Crisis point

Max23ty

I need some advice sorry but this is going to be a long post . I am in a relationship for the past two years
At the start of our relationship he was texting people for sex ,lately it's been profiles on dating websites , deleting text messages in front of me phone calls in the middle of the night new girls on his contacts and then it's making me feel like I am the one with the issues convincing me I was behaving badly for calling him out on it he swears every time he has never cheated and loves me .
I normally just keep my mouth shut but for the pass month or so he has been very busy with work and I've seen less and less of him going days with out even hearing from him . He is now finished the project he was working on and I was excited about seeing him this weekend and spending the up coming bank holiday weekend with him .delighted we has gotten through it .
He called me today and dropped into the conversation that he was taking a few days off next week to spend time doing an activity with another girl . She's just a friend . I felt like I had been slapped but said nothing then . I tried to call him back he didn't answer . So I went basically nuts and texted him telling him what I thought . He eventually called me and said he was disappointed that I didn't trust him that he trusts me and wasn't sure if he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who didn't trust him .
I am not even sure what I am asking here I am in a panic that the relationship is over and ended up begging him not to leave me . Please help me make sense of this why do I keep clinging to this ? Is it all in my head like he says ? Should I just walk away ?

heretochat

Sounds to me like he wants to break up with you but is too cowardly to be honest about it.

So he trying to deflect on to you by saying it your fault because you don't trust him etc. etc.

All an excuse. Kick him to the kerb and move on

Alf. A. Male

You put up with his infidelity from the beginning and sadly this just licensed him to carry on. I'm at a loss to understand why you did, clearly he's not faithful and you should be long gone if you have any respect for yourself.

"then it's making me feel like I am the one with the issues convincing me I was behaving badly for calling him out on it he swears every time he has never cheated and loves me"

It's called Gaslighting Commonly used by abusers and cheaters to make their victims more vulnerable and cover their tracks. Don't listen to it, don't doubt yourself, if what you've said above is true he isn't faithful and hasn't been since the start.

"I am in a panic that the relationship is over and ended up begging him not to leave me".

What he has done up to now is entirely his fault, you are not to blame. If however you stay with him and carry on like the above, you are to blame for staying in this horrible situation and putting up with an unfaithful prick. I don't know why you'd panic that it could be over, you should be releived and glad to see the back of him. So, what are you gonna do?

Max23ty

"So, what are you gonna do?[/quote]

I guess I stayed because I love him so much when we are together it's fantastic but there is all ways something going on in the background with him but it always ends up with me apologising . I know if a friend of mine told me this my advise would be to dump him , it's just so hard I love him so much I don't know how to be without him . I want to see him so much now I am in physical pain . In the small hope we can fix it but I know based on what he has said if I do see him again it will be so he can dump me because I don't trust him and I just want to be with him . I have tried so hard to make him happy but it's just never enough .

Alf. A. Male

Max23ty wrote: »

I have tried so hard to make him happy but it's just never enough .

Why? He's not trying to make you happy. If you don't know how to be without him, this is the perfect time to learn. Gather people around you who'll look after you, tell the people closest to you what he's like and don't look back.

Stavro Mueller

You know, I'd love if you could tell us why you've stayed in this relationship for so long? I mean, he was sex texting in the early days which is not acceptable behaviour. Yet you stayed with him. Why?

It would not surprise me if he has been cheating on you all through this relationship and he's now at the stage where it doesn't matter to him whether you know it or not. Either it's because he wants you to break up with him. Or you're now in a mental state where he can do what he wants and tell you that you're the one who's in the wrong.

Do you have any family or good friends you can talk to? Because you really need to chat to someone who can put things into perspective for you. I'm gobsmacked that you want to stay with this man who clearly has absolutely no respect for you.

heretochat

The more the OP says the more it becomes clear that she is completely dependant on this guy. And more than that he knows it and is playing on it.

The OP clearly has low self esteem and "men" like her OH thrive on that.

But I get the impression that whatever is said here the OP will stay with him, even though it is clear he does not want her.

Ham Sambo

Why would you stay with a guy who treats you like dirt? give him the door and find a guy who will treat you the way a girl should be treated.

LegacyUser

I was in the exact same situation as you just recently. I knew I shouldn't be putting up with it but at the same time I didn't want to be without him. In the end i had no other choice but to realise that I was worth more than his **** and now I couldn't be happier, the head wrecking situation of what is he doing now, who is he with isn't worth it. You should be able to trust your partner. Everyone has ups and downs but he blatantly doesn't seem to care. It's not your fault. It's his. And if he's anything like my ex he'll come crawling back when he no longer has your undivided attention.

CaraMay

The longer you stay in this dysfunctional relationship, the more baggage you will carry into your next relationship. This relationship will not work as he is linung up your replacement as we speak. I don't think you will finish with him but do think he will move on without you as he clearly doesn't respect you and tbh you only gave yourself to blame for that given you are allowing him to treat you like crap.

The best thing you can do is walk away with some pride left.

Stavro Mueller

I dunno. My feeling is that he has been screwing around all through this relationship and hasn't left yet. He's getting something out of things as they are. Maybe the security of having a girlfriend who's unhealthily dependent on him at home is a safety net for when his other dalliances don't work out. Perhaps he gets a kick out of waving his infidelities under her nose and knowing he can get away with just about everything. It's win win for him.

The OP posted about this before last year. If she's still looking at this thread I'd like to know if she went for any counselling? Or did she take anything at all on board from what people told her last time.
http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=85408558

Merkin

Max23ty wrote: »

I am not even sure what I am asking here I am in a panic that the relationship is over and ended up begging him not to leave me

What on earth are you afraid of? If you think about the alternative very logically and clinically, what is it exactly that's so terrifying? Have you ever been in a loving relationship? I am suspecting no if you consider this shoddy treatment to be in any way normal.

Surely you'd prefer to be on your own, building yourself up, surrounding yourself with friends and family and no longer having the daily heartache than be with someone who clearly has no love or respect for you and is putting both your mental and sexual health in danger? It's a no brainer.

You're in an abusive relationship with a lying cheat who is preying on your vulnerability and making YOU feel you're the one at fault.

You need to cut this toxic person out of your life and go and seek the help of a professional.

EDIT: I've just read your last thread. You posted those things nearly a year ago and evidently nothing has changed whatsoever. There comes a time when nobody else can help you, you know. If you want your life to improve then you have to take some control because if you don't, you are equally complicit in your shoddy treatment. Did you take any of the advice on board from the previous thread?

Emme

Get rid and move on.

RossFixxxed

This isn't a relationship, it's a convenient back up chick for the guy. I'm sorry but it's true. You do need to walk away. If in doubt read what merkin has written and the others and start to rebuild yourself. You're in a hole here and you don't want to dig any deeper, and I understand that.

However, you have to get out of this situation, once your self confidence comes back and you get distance you will see just how much of a mess this actually is and why so many posters here are shocked by it. Please, please look after yourself first and foremost.

At what point will you decide to leave. As I read it:

There's no trust
He's on dating apps
He's having some kind of phone sex like relationships
He's off with girls being shady
You are completely on edge and distraught.....

And on the positive side:





There's nothing there.

Max23ty

Hi again everyone I just thought I would thank everyone for the advice and update ye.
No I didn't take anyone's advice here I stayed with him and let him convince me I was mad I even went to conceslling for trust issues.
We agreed to but it behind us and move on with me promising to get better
I should have taken the advice here and trusted my instincts I didn't .
Last weekend we spent a lovely weekend together , out for drinks shopping clubbing loads of sex etc
Sunday morning we stayed in bed late more sex of course he got out of bed and into the shower . I picked up his pance off the floor his phone fell out and there was a missed call from a girl . I checked the phone it was obvious that they had been seeing each other for a couple of weeks I called her told her I was his girlfriend and asked what was going on she hung up .
I am ashamed to say I still handled badly basically begging him to pick me . It's been a few days now and I feel a bit stronger . I am still madly in love with him and my heart is broken . And yes I still want him but I am going to try and stay away from him I haven't made any can of contact with him in two days and I all ready feel better.

Merkin

My advice stands, you need urgent professional help, you're evidently not able to tackle this by yourself. You've been offered such good advice here over the course of a year but it becomes pointless if you just ignore it and then post with each new instalment in this lengthy drama you seem to be addicted to. Go and see a professional.I believe only they are properly equipped to help someone like you change your clearly muddled thought processes. Best of luck.

Max23ty

Merkin wrote: »

My advice stands, you need urgent professional help, you're evidently not able to tackle this by yourself. You've been offered such good advice here over the course of a year but it becomes pointless if you just ignore it and then post with each new instalment in this lengthy drama you seem to be addicted to. Go and see a professional.I believe only they are properly equipped to help someone like you change your clearly muddled thought processes. Best of luck.

You are right I know this I will be seeing someone this evening and my plan is to see them every week Until I sort myself I am lucky that work have a free employee assistance program which have a 24 hour help line and I have been onto them all ready and they have already set me up with a counsellor who I am meeting for the first time this eve and I swear the only ever other update on this will be updating on my progress getting better . So far even the talks on the phone with the counsellor has helped . I am starting to understand why I do this most of you would probably have guessed but I do have history outside of this and The way I dealt with that was to basically push it away and try and forget it .

Merkin

Good, I think working through your issues with someone who is trained to understand and then alter your thought processes will afford you the best chance of a happy future, away from toxic influences like this one. Hope it goes well.

professore

He is a sociopath or even a psychopath - in psychology there isn't a lot of difference. Run away and don't look back unless you want to spend your life with someone who treats you like the dirt on his shoe. Has he been physically abusive?

Max23ty

professore wrote: »

He is a sociopath or even a psychopath - in psychology there isn't a lot of difference. Run away and don't look back unless you want to spend your life with someone who treats you like the dirt on his shoe. Has he been physically abusive?

No no physical violence . However when I told him I had rang is new girlfriend he was extremely angry with me want so far as to say that he hated me for ruining it with her

Stavro Mueller

Best of luck with the counselling. Sometimes it takes a traumatic experience like Sunday's one to bring you to your senses. I hope you are totally honest with them because my guess is that you weren't when you went about the trust issues. Did you mention the dating websites, the sex texting etc. to the counsellor when you went?

As well as seeing the counsellor, I strongly advise you to block this man's number as soon as possible. If you've a smartphone there are apps you can download onto the phone. I think for other phones you might need to give your network provider a call or change your number.

iPhone

Android

Windows

And if you feel weak, don't ever forget this

Max23ty wrote: »

When I told him I had rang is new girlfriend he was extremely angry with me want so far as to say that he hated me for ruining it with her

If you feel yourself wavering, this is the first thing you should think about. How this is the man who was supposedly your loving boyfriend blew his top because his girlfriend scuppered his chances with the woman he was seeing. Maybe you've done two people a favour here. Yourself for finally getting away from this lying toad and the other woman who probably never knew you existed.

Ande1975

Max23ty wrote: »

You are right I know this I will be seeing someone this evening and my plan is to see them every week Until I sort myself I am lucky that work have a free employee assistance program which have a 24 hour help line and I have been onto them all ready and they have already set me up with a counsellor who I am meeting for the first time this eve and I swear the only ever other update on this will be updating on my progress getting better . So far even the talks on the phone with the counsellor has helped . I am starting to understand why I do this most of you would probably have guessed but I do have history outside of this and The way I dealt with that was to basically push it away and try and forget it .

OP,

Can I just mention one thing when you are discussing with a counsellor? Please please please make sure you are talking about you and not trying to get answers from the counsellor on why your ex treated you in such a way or play out the drama.
Please focus on you and building some self esteem. Your ex treated you horribly and no one deserves that. You should have no respect, care or love for someone who treats people in that fashion.
Focus on you.

Good for you for taking a stand now. Please don't back down. You wouldn't keep your hand in a fire would you? then keep away from this loser,

Good luck