Memory loss after death

LegacyUser

Hi All,

My boyfriend recently lost his father to cancer, it's been tough but we are getting through it as best we can, though the recent loss of my grandfather whom he was quite fond of hasn't helped matters.

One big thing I've noticed and that he's very concious of and gets upset over is that he is having terrile bouts of memory loss, mostly just small trivial things like asking the same questions quite regularly or not remembering having met certain people. Now his memory hasn't ever been photographic and he was forgetful before his dad passed but it's stepped up a whole lot recently. At times it can drive me mad being repeatedly asked things he knows or has been told, and it's staring to get him down and has caused some arguments between us.

I'm just wondering has anyone experienced this before, is it normal, what if anything can I do to help his memory improve?

nikpmup

I don't think there's a ''normal'' when it comes to grief. Memory loss could be a defence mechanism - his brain's way of blocking out the intense pain of his loss, much like the fabled numbness of the early days of bereavement. It could be that deep down he just doesn't want to remember. Or it could be a physical or psychological problem that has surfaced as a result of the shock of grief.

Grief, bereavement, takes a HUGE amount out of a person. It changes you irrevocably. Before I had a close bereavement, I didn't really get it; after having gone through losing someone close I wouldn't be surprised at all if I learned that bereavement causes you to grow wings and a tail.

If it's something that's worrying him then certainly I would recommend that he talks to a GP; if only to be reassured that it is grief related. If it's not, then the GP will be able to help too.

Try to be patient with him with regards to having to tell him things over and over. I know I was on autopilot for a good year and a half, 4 and a half years on, I'm still nowhere near the capable together person I once was. Time helps, but grief isn't linear - it doesn't follow a steady, diminishing path; it can sometimes feel like it's a fresh wound, even years later.

Remind him too, that you've lost your grandfather, and that you are both finding your way through bereavement. (I'm sorry about your loss too) Tell him that you will get through it, and it will get easier, but that it's raw at the moment and that you and he are feeling vulnerable. Take good care of each other. I hope you start to feel a little more hopeful soon.

LegacyUser

OP after my father died, which is now over 25 years ago, I couldn't remember anything for the two/three years prior to it happening. It's only now that my eldest child is the same age as when I lost him, that I can remember stuff....simple things!
The mind is a strange thing , maybe it's a defensive mechanism designed to help us get on with things, I don't know. I used to feel embarrassed by it as I genuinely couldn't remember. Maybe I was subconsciously blocking it out.
Hope things get better

dee_mc

I think it's normal to be very, very distracted at a time like this. If it's still the case in a few months time and especially if he's having difficulty talking about his loss and beginning to cope with it, bereavement counselling would be a good option.
I know it's hard to be gentle with him but keep in mind how vulnerable he must be feeling - probably a horrible cliche but try to be strong for him and hopefully ye'll both feel better soon.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. Over the last few weeks, both my mother and brother have been diagnosed with cancer.
I have been really forgetful during this time. Sometimes it is whole conversations, sometimes I am in the car and cannot remember how to get to my destination.

I presume it will pass, when I am less in shock.

I think my brain is just pushing some stuff out, it must be very hard for your boyfriend to function. Please be patient with him, if you allow yourself to get frustrated, it will end up being harder for you.

Take care.

seb65

It is a very, very common side effect of grief. His mind is preoccupied with the loss and constantly trying to make sense of it. I doubt getting angry with him is very effective or helpful in this situation. Over time, his short term memory will start to function again.

December2012

The overloaded was of the brain and the heart is devastating after bereavement, particularly when the relationship is very close.

Maybe you could help this problem of memory loss by using text messages, lists, etc.

Diane Selwyn

I would agree its not unusual at all when your brain is trying to process a whole new (and not pleasant) reality that you might misplace the car keys a few times. I have really clear memories from the summer before my brother died but then its all very sketchy for about 6 months afterwards. I was emailing a lot with my other siblings at the time and there is so much repetition it's clear that everyone was the same.

Maura74

Everyone is different when things like this happens, has partner been for bereavement counseling, should try and look one up in your area, Also regarding memory loss, not sure how old you partners is but perhaps he should see his GP and maybe s/he will recommend a bereavement counselor for him as well as checking out his health at the same time.

ahnow

Hi there, It's common enough especially for short term memory to go after a trauma. I'm after going through some stuff at Christmas, and since then I've had to literally write everything down, my focus and memory is shot.
It will just take him some time for it to come back to him.
I bought myself a planner that never leaves my side, maybe something like that might help? And I write everything in my phone as well.

professore

When my son died I was on autopilot for the next year. I think of it as my "lost year". Don't remember anything much from that time.

However if he was having memory problems before he should go to a GP just in case.

RossFixxxed

Grief is pretty indescribable, that's why so many artists spend so long working on it as one of their themes. Your whole world changes in one moment. Everything steady has moved, mortality becomes so real and scary. Your brain is trying to process the ultimate unprocessable thing: the end of someone you love.

I mean, think of what boozing one night does to your brain. Losing loved ones is like having the top of your head sawed off and a bag of screaming clowns stuffed in there. Your emotional centres, and every other part, go into protection mode. You can't handle it often. You can't rationalise it or stop it. You just aren't... you for a while. Forgetting things is very, very common.

There's a ton of practical concerns to deal with and every waking moment is filled with how unfair it is, how horrible it is. You want to change it, to trade places, to stop death for anyone ever again. You close your eyes and their face is there. You dream about being reunited and wake up to howling loneliness... It's bloody tough. It's amazing anyone in this position can remember how to tie their shoes some days.

Give him space, and keep normalising it for him. It is a part of grief, he's not a mess, he's in a HORRIBLE situation and dealing as best as he can. I wish you both well in a horrible time.

Mr. Incognito

Grief changes you. Some joy inside just goes. Ignorance is literally bliss. When my dad died I would go off and be morose on my own because it's impossible to describe. I was just very very sad. I thought I was fine but people told me after I radiated sadness. It will pass but it takes about a year.

nikpmup

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

Grief changes you. Some joy inside just goes. Ignorance is literally bliss. When my dad died I would go off and be morose on my own because it's impossible to describe. I was just very very sad. I thought I was fine but people told me after I radiated sadness. It will pass but it takes about a year.

Agreed, except for the time limit. I found the second year way worse than the first. Grief is as individual as the person that you lost. Everyone told me the first year is the worst, for me, it was almost easier as I spent much of it in a haze.