No energy for talking

LegacyUser

I guess i'm looking for help with this issue because I don't really understand why I can't snap out of it. Basically, ever since I can remember, I have been a shy kinda guy. I'm early twenties now, and have found that no matter what, I still retain that shyness.

I have tried many times to force myself into talking easily with people who I am not fully comfortable with and it rarely ever happens unless I have a few drinks on me. Even when relatives visit I wanna escape the conversation as soon as possible. In work I just don't have the energy to put myself among the extroverted types and chat away about anything. So I sit there feeling isolated until lunch time when I can talk to one person or 2 people on my own without a problem. But it's only certain kinda of people I can do this with. I guess it just frustrates me that

a) I sometimes just don't even want to make small talk
b) I cannot talk easily to everybody, I only easily get on well with certain people
c) I don't feel like I have the energy to talk in front of more than 2 people. I contribute nothing to group conversations except listening and laughing.

I have tried so long to become more talkative but i'm not sure what is hampering me. Maybe this is just a characteristic trait. But that won't exactly stand me in good stead for meeting new people in life. I guess it would be nice for advice or if there are others that feel like me it would be good to know I'm not alone.

The thing about it is that I have friends, ad I do get on well with people and I do have a good personality when I show it. There's just certain situations and times where I probably come across as a mute, devoid of energy and personality. And unfortunately these situations are those we're i'm likely to be judged harshly, such as work.

LegacyUser

Hi

You could try counseling to try and get to the bottom of it.


They say extraverts are the people who gain energy from talking etc.

If you could try to think of it as you are gaining energy from talking.

And maybe try taking an acting class or an improve group class.

People's brains work differently. And you are possibly tying yourself up in knots by stressing over it. Relaxing will help.

Think of it as gaining energy from talking. Get a high from it.

I can talk but I like to be quiet sometimes too.

Maybe try to get to know people who talk about topics you are interested in.

And it is a muscle...if you want to get good with it you have to use it.

Get familiar with topics in the news maybe just to enter into discourse.

Join a debating team! Argue! Debate! That is a sure way of how to learn to gain energy from talking.

Half of talking is the feedback..you have to listen to the feedback ...listen and understand the person. Talking is really a combination of ideas and people. You seem when writing you be able to handle language from your post. Now you need to train your cognitive abilities to react fast enough to do this in real time verbally. It is not as hard nor as complicated as that seems just jump in.

Everyone has a preference for the people they like to talk to. That is ok. But trying to be pleasant to all and making sure people are happy in your presence is a little kindness that goes along way. And of course that is a two way thing.

Learning to verbally emote yourself and express yourself can bring you energy if you let it. It can be a release.

Groups are more difficult because there is more info to process quickly you are trying to gauge many more different emotions and show feed back that shows empathy and other reactions not just verbally but other ways.

Think of interpersonal chatting as trying to generate energy between you all. It is also about finding out about people and letting them get to know you.
Or failing that TRY MIME :-)

Seriously you are not alone at all. And even if you can't become the most talkative you can still meet people.

But either some counseling if it is needed or drama/improv or debating. Talking can energize and refresh you. Think of it that way. And it is ok to be quiet too. Are you a good listener? Do you understand people?

There are sometimes psychological reasons for speech delays.

ongarboy

OP - sounds like you are an introvert and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. If the world was only full of extroverts, it would be a very head wrecking place. (this is not a dig at extroverts, btw - we need equal numbers of all positive personalities types)

The power and benefits of introverts are slowly becoming recognised and appreciated. I suggest you YouTube Susan Cain's Power of Introverts speech and you may better appreciate that there is nothing wrong with not being the chattiest person in the group. You've already stated that you are likeable, enjoy the company of individuals and get on with certain types of people so you are not lacking social skills or positive personality traits.

Unfortunately, it is still difficult as society and particularly workplaces appear to place more weight on those who are more extroverted but as per Cain's video, maybe after watching it, you will feel less apologetic or frustrated about the fact that you are not the life and soul of the party. You don't have to be and it won't mean decent or genuine people will like you any less.

RossFixxxed

I'd echo the above, if everyone blathered on and on like me, getting all enthusiastic about stuff that many find boring it would be intolerable.

However, you can gleam something form that. Some people LOVE to talk, and appreciate an audience. Simple example, we meet each other, and I mention I love mountains, and I went to Everest. If you show ANY interest or ask any questions I'd be DELIGHTED to tell stories, facts, silly things that happened, that time I fell down the hill on my face in front of the armed Maoist insurgents, who robbed everyone except me cos they were laughing at me and so on!

You don't need to be always talking, find people with enthusiasm and take a little interest and you'll be chatting away in no time! There's nothing at all wrong in shyness, and being an introvert. Just don't be dour, just take an interest. A well placed "no way, really!?" or a "that's really cool, how dangerous is climbing Everest anywayw" can make you seem engaged, interested and a cool person to chat to.

Many people love talking about themselves, and they'll take an interest in you.

What do you love? What's your passion? Tell me here, and I bet it's something interesting and something you could tell stories and even I could learn things about!

Actually, what ongarboy said about not needing to be the life and soul of a party and that genuine people will like you is a VERY good point. The life and soul could easily be the loudest most obnoxious person to many at the party. And it may remove you from a lot of superficial people and leave you with people who took the time to get to know YOU and not your big party persona!

Keep being you mate, there's loads of loud blathering eejits like me around, variety is great! Once you're a bit more self asured and comfortable in your skin, and not trying to be something you're not you'll come across even better without needing to say any more than you normally do. Bet you've loads of interesting stuff in your head too!

Lou.m

It's fine to be an introvert if you are content to be.

I would agree with a lot of what all the posters have to say.

If you WANT to work on it you can and do drama or whatever.

If you don't that is fine. You are fine friend to have as you are.

But if you are not happy then you can find a happy medium.

There is a book called the introvert advantage which is interesting.

I don't mind talkers or non talkers. But it can be difficult to gauge non talkers feelings unless they express them. They can sometimes come off as standoffish or cold or that you are bothering them.

If you are happy as you are then be you. I would wager you have an interesting mind and once you get going with the right person you have a fascinating brain to pick.


If you career does not need that skill then maybe you don't need to worry about it. I would say you are very likeable as you are. :-)

I am a bit of a hybrid. Introvert but can talk....I can chatter....but I need my alone time. I can get very intimidated by talking to certain people sometimes. It is as if my emotions of fear well up.

Are you a good listener? That can be vital are you the sort of person people tell their secrets to and know they will go no further?

If you feel you are happy as you are then you are fine as you are. And if people judge you they will come to know you are a kind person.

I would say if you feel you would like to converse more then try new things. But if you don't want to then that's fine. So long as you don't feel you can't talk about feelings to people etc.

If you accept people without judging them and are kind ...then they should do the same.

Lou.m

NotAChatterbox wrote: »

I guess i'm looking for help with this issue because I don't really understand why I can't snap out of it. Basically, ever since I can remember, I have been a shy kinda guy. I'm early twenties now, and have found that no matter what, I still retain that shyness.

I have tried many times to force myself into talking easily with people who I am not fully comfortable with and it rarely ever happens unless I have a few drinks on me. Even when relatives visit I wanna escape the conversation as soon as possible. In work I just don't have the energy to put myself among the extroverted types and chat away about anything. So I sit there feeling isolated until lunch time when I can talk to one person or 2 people on my own without a problem. But it's only certain kinda of people I can do this with. I guess it just frustrates me that

a) I sometimes just don't even want to make small talk
b) I cannot talk easily to everybody, I only easily get on well with certain people
c) I don't feel like I have the energy to talk in front of more than 2 people. I contribute nothing to group conversations except listening and laughing.

I have tried so long to become more talkative but i'm not sure what is hampering me. Maybe this is just a characteristic trait. But that won't exactly stand me in good stead for meeting new people in life. I guess it would be nice for advice or if there are others that feel like me it would be good to know I'm not alone.

The thing about it is that I have friends, ad I do get on well with people and I do have a good personality when I show it. There's just certain situations and times where I probably come across as a mute, devoid of energy and personality. And unfortunately these situations are those we're i'm likely to be judged harshly, such as work.

By the way that IS a BIG contribution. One of the best.
You should be liked as you are, the person you are and are happy to be.

Be glad you are who you are.

Umkay I am going to go off on a tangent here ....but stay with me.


Ok there used to be this show Called Mister Rogers' Neighborhood too old for me but my Mom liked it.

On it there is this character (its a kids show) there is a tiger. He is reading all about his ancestors. But the more he reads the more he realizes he is not like all the other tigers. He is quiet and gentle and doesn't roar and growl and show his teeth. And it makes him feel bad sometimes. Lady Aberlin (lady Aberlin) his friend tells him 'Why are you sad you don't scare people? If you scared people and growled I would be afraid to visit you, Maybe those old wild Tigers growl that is who they are but I think you are an advanced tiger you have evolved into something very fine' .

She sings a song.

I'm glad
You're the way you are
I'm glad
You're you
I'm glad
You can do the things that you can do
I like
How you look
I like the way
That you feel
I feel that you
Have a right to be quite pleased with you
I'm glad
You're the way you are
I think
You're fine
I'm glad
You're the way you are
The pleasure's mine
It's good
That you look the way you should
Wouldn't change you if I could
'Cause I'm happy you are you.

I think what I am trying to say is ..friendship or love is unconditional ...conditional love is not to be used as an incentive to make someone 'improve'

There's a time and place for incentives, but love by and for another person is one domain where trying to introduce incentives does more harm than good because of the nature of human psychology.

This is another thing fred rogers sang..

it's you I like,
It's you yourself,
It's you, it's you I like.It’s you I like,
It’s not the things you wear,
It’s not the way you do your hair–
But it’s you I like
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you–
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys–
They’re just beside you.

But it’s you I like–
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you’ll remember
Even when you’re feeling blue
That it’s you I like,
It’s you yourself,
It’s you, it’s you I like.”

It is not what you say that Mr Rogers likes...its you.... cuz thats love and friendship.

People need to watch this show....its like necessary for LIFE ..


Sorry if this went a bit weird. But seriously that show is ...WISE.

And that clip makes me well up!

Whether you choose to try and talk more should not be because you want to make friends ...friends should like you ...inside...you should like you inside. Like yourself unconditionally. And don't change to seek approval . It starts out with feeling there is something wrong with you. And that is damaging. Social approval or being liked or loved should not be an incentive. That means it is conditional and means it is not real and it is damaging.

If you would like to be more social it should have nothing to do with what others think. Because they should like you as you and not whether you talk or not.

Maybe that is what you are looking for.

poundapunnet

OP I used to be like you! Up until a couple of years ago I'd push myself to go out clubbing, make myself really anxious by trying to take part in big group conversations or feel really down on myself when I couldn't/didn't, and I relied pretty heavily on drinks and drugs to make myself sociable (and inevitably just feel bad about myself again the next day).

It was only really when I got out of college that I just started going 'you know what, the hell with it, I'm old enough to know myself by now and I'm not doing this anymore'.

I'm well aware that to strangers and casual acquaintances I can seem a bit odd or stand-offish, but I've also become much more happy with myself and confident in my personality because when I'm not stressing myself out about trying to take part in small-talk with all comers or participating in big group banter then I'm better able to focus on the relationships that I actually care about. I have (I just counted) six people outside of my immediate family that I'd consider proper friends-some of whom live in other countries so I don't even see them- but without a doubt when I stopped trying to be someone I wasn't in terms of my capacity for socialising, my overall social life is infinitely more rewarding for me, and I have the mental energy to be properly invested with the friendships I value and be there for those people.


Definitely agree with the stuff about listening and asking questions, most people love that. Something else you might think about if it's really bugging you is to practice small talk. I work in the catering industry and when I first started I'd be shaking going to a table to take someone's order, ten years later and I'm genuinely not even listening to myself when I'm making small talk with customers, and it's something that's fed into the rest of my life-I still get burned out pretty quickly at things like weddings and funerals but at least I'm not actually terrified. Now I'm not saying pack in the day job to become a barista, but could you look into doing some voluntary work or something? Something where'd there'd be a high turnover of strangers you have to deal with.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice so far. All really solid information that I will take on board. But it's still hard not to get down about my current predicament, especially in terms of work. I've found that once someone thinks of you a certain way, and then that person realizes other people think it too, it is next to impossible to change their perception of me.

I see myself as a good reader of people and can tell just from the way some people blatantly blank me when talking, that they have had a conversation amongst themselves about how quiet I am. When all agreeing on this, they will go out of their way to avoid being seen talking to me or even recognizing my existence. I've seen this happen before at school. I personally don't view the workplace any differently in that regard. It's annoying knowing I went through 4th-6th year of school, then college and now work without talking to many people. I don't know how many changes of scenery I will need before I either snap out of it or learn to accept myself instead of getting really pissed off about it.

Lou.m

NotAChatterbox wrote: »

Thanks for the advice so far. All really solid information that I will take on board. But it's still hard not to get down about my current predicament, especially in terms of work. I've found that once someone thinks of you a certain way, and then that person realizes other people think it too, it is next to impossible to change their perception of me.

I see myself as a good reader of people and can tell just from the way some people blatantly blank me when talking, that they have had a conversation amongst themselves about how quiet I am. When all agreeing on this, they will go out of their way to avoid being seen talking to me or even recognizing my existence. I've seen this happen before at school. I personally don't view the workplace any differently in that regard. It's annoying knowing I went through 4th-6th year of school, then college and now work without talking to many people. I don't know how many changes of scenery I will need before I either snap out of it or learn to accept myself instead of getting really pissed off about it.

I am not sure I understand this post very well so apologies.

But are you saying you would like people to acknowledge that you are listening even if you say little. As in if you are in a group for them to realize they are talking to you too and not just the people talking back?

Or for people also to realize that it is not that you are being rude or don't want to talk to them or anything it's just that you need a while to get going or are better one on one or something?

Sometimes with quiet people they themselves are difficult to read. People may perceive your quietness as a wish not to participate or be bothered.

It might take a while for people to realize that they ware welcome to initiate a conversation with you or that you might like to initiate one with them with less people around.

Maybe try addressing it yourself instead of letting them speculate. Explain you are sometimes quiet but that in smaller groups you are happy to speak with people. Or that sometimes it is draining and you need your space and alone time but you are happier when you know people or are into the swing of it or something. Or however you know yourself to be. 'Sometimes I am really quiet but I like being included and talking in smaller groups'.

Also realize that people are not always going to want to talk to you solely on your terms you have compromise a little even if it does spend some of your energy.

But I would not say change yourself....make the best of yourself...blossom into the best you .

Rubberchikken

I would consider myself a quiet person but i have learnt over the years ( aging probably helped;) - one thing i also learned us that people are so concerned about themselves that they dont give any real thought to others.

If you want to change how people see you, try a bit of small talk. Ask people questions. They love talking about themselves.
And all those talkers need a person who will listen to them and laugh at their jokes.