Does it really get better...

zozo339

Well... My nan passed away on boxing day last year, which is nearly 5 months ago, in 4 days... and I've been told that it gets better with time... I don't believe so. I just can't help but cry more and more recently. It is actually only just setting in that she has gone, and I get upset when I am with my partner, and he must think I'm just being stupid and emotional, so I want advice on how I can explain it is only just properly hitting home that she is gone. I have always had an issue with showing my feelings, feeling stupid and stuff if I cry, so being able to actually cry infront of him is a big mile stone in itself. I miss her so damn much, it just breaks my heart, and the pain I feel from it is just overwhelming. I felt her around me, being with me and giving me comfort around the time after her death, but not so much these past few weeks. It's like she's gone, and I won't ever be able to talk to her again.

I feel stupid for missing her so much and grieving now, because its been 5/6 months since she passed (not like its years though is it) and I don't know how to deal with how I feel, and whether it's normal, as the last person in my family to pass, was my uncle Pat, and I was only 7 when he died, and didn't fully understand what was going on then.

Please help, and give any comments that would benefit. I'm really struggling at the moment, and even the tiny things seem to be getting to me, as I'm not facing up to the fact this is the reason I'm upset, I'm even trying to blame others for bs reasons, just so I get angry instead of crying. Although it does make me angry, upset, numb, all sorts, and I don't know what to do anymore..

readyletsgo

First of I am so sorry to hear of your lost, Christmas time is a very difficult time to lose someone.

Well, I lost my mam 10 years ago on New Years when I was 22 and I very much remember it not sinking in for months then hitting me like a ton of brick 8 months later that I would never see my mam ever again. It can be very hard to get those emotions out, since I am male, but they are going to keep coming until you deal with them.

As a friend said to me at the time, the first 6 months or so, it does get easier over time but you NEVER forget them, it just takes time.

Hope that helps, and its great you have someone there to talk to about your Nan.

zozo339

Thank you so much. It actually helps that a bloke has written back instead of a woman first off, as I love hearing opinions from both sides. I am so sorry for your loss. It must've been so tough and probably still is. She'll be watching over you though. I always feel so stupid for crying, and I don't know why that is. I guess I will never know why... That's what i need to get over, otherwise my emotions will just be stuck inside for longer than needed, and won't be healthy.

Okay, thank you. I shall bare that in mind. Also, I don't know how my cousin is dealing with it. He is 16 and I live with him. He has never shown much emotion about the subject and I don't know how to talk to him about it. At her funeral he did look upset, but never speaks about it. So maybe, him and I are more similar than we think.

God bless. xo

IvyTheTerrible

My brother died in June 2009 and I was quite numb to begin with. I actually found several months later a lot harder than the early stages. So it's normal what you're feeling.
However, I found it really has gotten easier. Of course there are times when it's hard, but in general I can think about him and happy times with him without feeling awful.

readyletsgo

Glad to help in a small way . It can be different for everybody.

As for your cousin, as he is a teenager, I would think he is just holding it all in, but most likely he will break down at some stage, and thats ok(!), but the only thing you can do for him if he doesnt want to talk now is try to be there when it all does come out for him.

Best of luck Zozo!

EDIT: Also, just so you know, 5 months is a very short time, you may think its been a while, but it will be very raw for a year or two, but you do learn how to deal with it in your own way eventually over time. I know after a year I thought mams death was a long time ago until older people started to point out to me that it was only a little while ago.

zozo339

Thank you yeah I believe so. Yeah he isn't very good at showing emotion I don't think, and I am only nearly 19 myself so I still find it pretty hard :/yeah maybe after not talking about it for so long. We remember her in good spirits. So that's good, I do regret not seeing her towards her last days, but I think I was scared because everyone was telling me she was so ill and that I wouldn't even recognise her. so I got scared and just hid away from the truth, then she was gone.. Thank you so much, that made me smile, the "Zozo" part haha, my real life nickname. So that brightened part of my day. Amazing how much better people can make you feel isn't it. yeah, it feels like a very long time, but yes 5 months isn't very long. Christmas time was the worst time for her to go - everyone in high spirits and such. She was given a wonderful Christmas Day by my uncle (her son) who cooked her a Christmas meal and sat with her the whole day. I didn't get to give her my present, and I found it only the other day. It just makes me so sad. I can't tell you what pain I feel inside. When you're hearts broken, you do really feel it. It's true.

Thank you for your responses so far. They've helped me see things from a different perspective in a way.

God bless. xx

Gongoozler

I wouldn't have known it before but yes in terms of grief, 5 months is a very short time. My mam died just over five years ago, and I still cry about her probably once a week, at a guess. I have a lot of anger towards her for smoking and for the doctor not diagnosing her in time, but I know most of what the upset is is just grief.

People do seem to expect that once x time has passed you should be over it by then. It's an odd one.

Here I am five years later and still thinking about it every day, and getting upset still.

There's not much you can do, except allow yourself be upset. There's nothing wrong with it.

December2012

I posted here before asking if how I was feeling was normal some 15 months after my Dad died.

In my experience feelings of grief can come upon you / me at any random time.

I have great periods and then something will set me off.

5 months is quite recent

zozo339

Thanks guys, I am very sorry for both your losses.
I think with time the only thing that will change is the way I can deal with it. Maybe. Although things do set me off as december2012 said...certain things set me off, and make me angry about it or make me cry, and the other times for long periods of time, I think I'm okay. But really, I'm not. I think as you said, gongoozler, is just let myself be upset. Sometimes I feel embarrassed to cry...and I hate it.

zozo339

And also, to add to that, I don't know whether my partner understands that the wounds are still very fresh and there's no way to change that. I don't want him thinking I'm an emotional wreck all the time, and that I'm miserable, because if not, I've got a really big, loud personality that everyone SEEMS to love, I just can't change how upset I am. And hiding it away doesn't help...just makes it worse. And sometimes my pillow isn't what I want...I want loving, understanding arms around me.

December2012

Unless your partner has personal experience he won't know how you feel.

I know I didn't until it happened to me.

Gongoozler

You'll find as time goes on, that you'll have those times that you are completely yourself and back to normal, and then have those times that you feel like having a cry by yourself. I suppose the balance between the two is what you aim for in time.

zozo339

Yeah I think so. Well his nan passed away around a year or two ago, and he was closer to her than I was to mine...which was very damn close. And he cries in front of me, and it's sad. Maybe he does understand.

Is there a time when he will think I'm just a winging girl who just can't get over it?? That's what I'm scared of. And is it weird that I talk to her sometimes??:/ I tell her what I'm doing with everyday things, and how I feel about stuff. It doesn't help that I don't have a relationship with my parents anymore..,since February, and it was my mums mum.

Thank you so much for your replies...and being so sensitive

December2012

I don't think it's weird to talk to her, I sometimes talk to my Dad.

Have you told your partner how you feel? Have you allowed yourself to melt and wail and gnash your teeth (if that's what you want to do)?

Gael23

I think it often can take up to a year before things begin to get better.
You say she was quite ill before she died, so try to take some peace in the fact that she is no longer suffering and that she lived a long and full life.