Parents being overbearing over me emigrating

LegacyUser

Ok here is the situation. I’m 31 years old and I’m emigrating to Canada with my girlfriend for two years. I’ve been planning this move in earnest for about six months and as a wider plan for about five years. I’ve worked very hard to get the money together and make sure I know what I’m doing when I get over with regards what area I want to live in, rent prices, cost of living, setting up bank accounts, transport, what companies I want to apply to etc.
I had kept the fact I was moving kind of low key until I had a definite answer that I was moving, as I didn’t want to upset my parents. I had mentioned it to them slowly from around the time I applied for the visa but I only got my acceptance letter a few weeks ago and so I bought my tickets about two days ago and then I rang my parents to tell them yesterday.
They then called me back last night and have decided they want to come over with me and make sure I “get somewhere decent to live.” And that I don’t fall for any scams or wind up in a bad area. They also want to give me a large sum of money, so I don’t have to worry about rent for the first few months.
This all sounds really nice on their part but it’s all a bit smothering too in a way. I know I sound like a spoiled little **** “oh my parents want to help me move and give me money” etc but the fact is that this was supposed to be me starting a new life and being independent. Over the years I’ve had trouble finding any kind of decent work and there have been times when I’ve had to rely on my parents for a loan and failing that I was on the dole so I’m just sick of living on hand outs as it makes me feel like a child. I just want to make my own way in the world.
I know it sounds stupid but I was kind of looking forward to working in bars and buying ****ty furniture and working my way up on my own steam. To have my parents come with me and be over my shoulder kind of misses the point of me trying to do something for myself, something I can be proud of.
Am I making any sense?

Alf. A. Male

If you haven't already, maybe tell them what you've written in your post and hopefully they'll understand your motivation. Maybe compromise on the offer of help by telling them that you are very grateful for the offer, but you'll get started on your own and if the wheels come off then you'll let them know and hopefully they can help at that stage.

Yes, I think a chat about it is the only way to go, express what you've said here. For them it might be hard as well to see you set off to a strange place on your own and not being able to help.
As well as promising you'll ask for help if you need it, maybe also suggest they come visit once you're set up and ready to have people over and you can let them know whenever that is.

Merkin

emigrationwoes wrote: »

They then called me back last night and have decided they want to come over with me and make sure I “get somewhere decent to live.” And that I don’t fall for any scams or wind up in a bad area. They also want to give me a large sum of money, so I don’t have to worry about rent for the first few months.

Aww, you know what, they sound so sweet and supportive which is great. You are 31 however and I think it's important to get across to them that this is something you really need to do on your own. Remind them of the saying "easy come, easy go" and that for your own personal development you and your girlfriend want to really make a go of it yourselves. I'd definitely invite them over when you're settled and include them etc but I'd be firm in telling them that this is an important right of passage for you and you want to do it without depending on them.

miamee

Be very open with them, tell them you are grateful for the help they have given you in the past but it's time to get started on your own and you are looking forward to it. Tell them that you have X amount of money saved, you have scoped out areas to live etc. If you have only just told them that you are definitely going and soon and have told them little else, they possibly think this is some hare-brained idea that you haven't really though through when it actually sounds like you are very well prepared. Tell them about the research you have done and reassure them that you can look after yourself.

By the sounds of things they have been looking after you financially up until not too long ago with loans etc. so it's not a stretch for them to think you might still need their help. Tell them to save the money they would have given you to pay for tickets to come visit once you are settled in. By the way, they sound very generous and lovely.

Long story short: if you want them to treat you like an adult, speak to them like an adult

ABajaninCork

I think the offer of financial help from your parents is an amazing one. What's not so amazing is the fact they want to come out with you and vet where you live, and generally look over your shoulder as you try to set up your life. I bet that's really going down a bundle with your GF!!

The others are right. You're a big boy now and it's great you want to do this under your own steam. You've obviously researched carefully and in great detail which is to your credit, and proves you're ready to make the move. A lot of people wouldn't do that.

Tell you Mum & Dad that you'd love for them to visit you once you're settled, and leave it at that. I'd also set up Skype for them, so that they can 'see' for themselves, rather than coming out with you and getting in the way.

LegacyUser

Right so update. I called them up to talk about it and they'd already booked flights. I explained that I really wanted to do this on my own and that I had budgeted for my first few months there and everything an I may as well have been talking to a brick wall.

All they kept saying was " ah yeah but this way we'll be there to help out" no matter hw many times I expressly said " I want to do this on my own, its important that this something I do for myself" all I got back was " ah yeah but this way we'll be there to help out"

Honestly. brick wall.

I think I'm going to leave it a few days and then try have a chat with my ma ( the marginally more reasonable one) and try get them to change the dates of the flight to come over a month or so after we've moved in. Like I'd be delighted if they wanted to come over then and I could show them around and if, at that stage, I was somehow in financial stress I could borrow some money off them then. but like I said they just can't get their heads around it.

ABajaninCork

OMG!! :eek: I think there'll be trouble ahead...What does your girl say about this - does she know??

You really need to talk to your parents again. Quickly!!

Merkin

ABajaninCork wrote: »

OMG!! :eek: I think there'll be trouble ahead...What does your girl say about this - does she know??

You really need to talk to your parents again. Quickly!!

:eek: Totally agree! Here she is, making an exciting move and emigrating with her boyfriend and building a new life together and the parentals in law are coming along for the ride?

Dude, you need to nip this in the bid immediately.

LegacyUser

Yeah she is not happy at all, thing is she is heading over two weeks after me and my parents are only heading over for 5 days now so they won't overlap. I think at this stage I'm just going to let them. if I'm honest I am well aware how weird it is but if it puts their mind at ease I figure **** it. I thin the main issue is that my both my grandparents on my fathers side died last year and he had a major falling out with my sister ( the only one of my siblings with grand kids) so I think he's in panic mode regarding losing family and he wants to help out as much as possible for his own peace of mind. sure it massively infringes on my reasons for going (namely so I can go somewhere to stand on my own two feet and my self reliant) but screw it.

Magicmatilda

So your parents are going to pick the place you and your girlfriend would live and she is not - utter madness. I assume you are serious about this girl - if you are emigrating together. Are you always going to choose your parents feelings over hers?

With this kind of controlling behaviour I am not surprised they have fallen out with your sister. You need to make it clear that if he wants to help you then he will let you do this alone.

You need to put your foot down now. You talk about wanting to stand on your own two feet - well do it.

Tell them that you do not want them there. Stop pussy footing around the issue. It is not healthy.

How do you see this going when you get married, have kids etc - will they be calling the shots then too.

kylith

You're going to have to lay down the law, I'm afraid. Are you currently living at home? If you're not then you can very reasonably tell them "I am 31 years old. I have been looking after myself for X years. You need to stop treating me like I am a child". If you are living at home then it might be more of a fight.

I'm the same age as you and if my parents announced that they were going to come choose my house I would assume that they were joking. You are a grown man and they need to accept that fact.

Merkin

emigrationwoes wrote: »

Yeah she is not happy at all, thing is she is heading over two weeks after me and my parents are only heading over for 5 days now so they won't overlap. I think at this stage I'm just going to let them. if I'm honest I am well aware how weird it is but if it puts their mind at ease I figure **** it. I thin the main issue is that my both my grandparents on my fathers side died last year and he had a major falling out with my sister ( the only one of my siblings with grand kids) so I think he's in panic mode regarding losing family and he wants to help out as much as possible for his own peace of mind. sure it massively infringes on my reasons for going (namely so I can go somewhere to stand on my own two feet and my self reliant) but screw it.

I'm sorry but you need to put your foot down. No wonder your girlfriend is vexed, I'd be furious. Even though she is going there a fortnight after you, the decision to find accommodation and laying down little roots together should be done as a COUPLE. It's exciting and those decisions should be made jointly.

You're 31 for goodness' sake, it really is none of your parents' business and it really is up to you to be assertive enough to say you're not happy with it and that they had no business taking it upon themselves to book flights without consultation to help YOU settle into a new country. You're a big lad now and part of being an adult is standing on your own two feet and being able to say "no" when the situation arises.

Tramps Like Us

I cant believe you just sprung it on your parents after you had booked flights

They are only going for five days tbh I'd humor them seen as you are moving away and wont be seeing them regularly. Last thing you want to do is sour things and hurt their feelings

Mrs Garth Brooks

I think Canada isn't far enough for you.

Seriously, you're a grown man.

Im sorry but what would your parents know about the city your going to in Canada to help you out over there?

They dont have to hold your hand.

Booking a flight over with you? Thats way out of line. Its their problem they're out of pocket, so dont let them guilt trip you. Change dates or something.

But its all very smothering.

iusedtoknow

Jeez in 5 days they won't be able to do much to "help out". The first few days are going to be a fog anyway because of jetlag and everything


Apartment viewings can sometimes be organized days in advance, often enough it isn't on the day. Likewise, I can't imagine too many landlords would be willing to rent to you if you show up with Mammy and Daddy.
what about getting your bank stuff sorted, that can take long enough when you're in a new country

I would humour them to a degree, but make it clear they're not welcome - make arrangements yourself for the bank, apartment viewing etc.

tinkerbell

Oh for goodness sake, OP. You're 31 years of age - it is time to start acting like an adult and stop pussy-footing around your parents. Your girlfriend is so justified in being furious over this - she's emigrating with her partner (a huge decision) yet her partner's mammy and daddy want to come along to approve of any choices you make. Tell them that they have to change their flights and that they will not be coming over with you as you are not a child. They can visit once you are settled in after a few months. You need to nip this in the bud. Your parents will keep treating you like a child if you keep allowing them to.

Also, at 31 you should be able to stand on your own two feet and not have to accept money off them. There comes a point where you just have to have financial independence so you shouldn't even be thinking along the lines of "if things don't work out then I can go look for a loan". You should be thinking "things WILL work out, I am an independent adult".

username123

Cancel your flight and rebook one without giving your parents the flight information. Go alone. Do not entertain this nonsense. If they wish to spend 5 days alone in a Canadian city let them.

Calhoun

Op, this could be a defining point in your relationship with this girl and really any other relationship going forward. I don't know anyone who wants to be with a man/woman child because if this is the reaction now you can imagine if it was something more serious.

As they have booked flights ask them could the move them to later in the summer invite them over to visit you both once you have settled in. Make sure though they understand they will be there as guests and nothing more.

Grandpa Hassan

OP, you say in your opening post that this move is supposed to be you "starting a new life and being independent". If you parents come to set you up, then you are not achieving that. So what's the point in going.

The first stage of becoming independent is to cut the apron strings. You need to tell your parents not to come. And hold your ground. If you don't get past that stage now, then I suggest that you never will

IrishEyes19

username123 wrote: »

Cancel your flight and rebook one without giving your parents the flight information. Go alone. Do not entertain this nonsense. If they wish to spend 5 days alone in a Canadian city let them.

I wouldn't be an a$$hole and do that either, jesus fair enough its a bit smothering, but they are still the people who raised the OP and helped out. All in all, OP, I'd let it go, at the end of the day its your decision about your apartment, make that clear, but I wouldnt go destroying a relationship with your parents over it, people here are very quick to dismiss your parents, but it really boils down to the individual relationship people have with their family. Mine would be very strong, so I can see both points of view here.

ncmc

I can see both sides of the argument here, on one side, yes it is a bit smothering but on the other, you parents have lost a lot of family this year, are you the only other child apart from the sister they don't speak to? It sounds like they're being a bit over protective, but it's probably well intentioned and they're probably just worried about you moving so far away. It's only for 5 days, realistically you're not going to get much done in that 5 days. I don't know where in Canada you're going, but I'd think it's unlikely you'll get an apartment and furniture sorted in five days!

I say let them come out, let them see that the city you're living in isn't a murderous hell hole and then send them on their way happy that their little boy is safe. In the larger scheme of things, it's not *really* affecting your girlfriend to any great degree. I know you're all grown up now, but sometimes our parents still see us as kids. My parents still sometimes call me 'the child' because I'm the youngest.... I'm 35 next week! I think your parents mean well, that's the spirit in which I would take the gesture.

zoobizoo

Tough situation to be as I'm sure that you don't want to upset them.

Just tell them that you have decided not to start looking for a place to rent until you're more settled into the city and know where the good places are and not until you know where you will be working. No point in finding accommodation first.

Put your foot down.

Say to them that that is a decision that both yourself and your gf have come to and that while they are more than welcome to holiday, that you will be taking the first two or three weeks to find your feet in the city.

dudara

I'm a bit gobsmacked by your parents' behaviour. You're 31 years old, not 31 months old. I'm sure their intentions are good, but this is not the time or place for them and they should realise that.

However, the question is why do they think it's justified to treat you like this? Do you need to cut the apron strings & stop replying on them?

There is no way they should come over until after you are settled. Then they can visit to their heart's content. Having them over during the transition period will only continue this cycle.

dissed doc

ncmc wrote: »

I can see both sides of the argument here, on one side, yes it is a bit smothering but on the other, you parents have lost a lot of family this year, are you the only other child apart from the sister they don't speak to? It sounds like they're being a bit over protective, but it's probably well intentioned and they're probably just worried about you moving so far away. It's only for 5 days, realistically you're not going to get much done in that 5 days. I don't know where in Canada you're going, but I'd think it's unlikely you'll get an apartment and furniture sorted in five days!

I say let them come out, let them see that the city you're living in isn't a murderous hell hole and then send them on their way happy that their little boy is safe. In the larger scheme of things, it's not *really* affecting your girlfriend to any great degree. I know you're all grown up now, but sometimes our parents still see us as kids. My parents still sometimes call me 'the child' because I'm the youngest.... I'm 35 next week! I think your parents mean well, that's the spirit in which I would take the gesture.

I agree with this. The issue with "cutting the apron strings" is not going to be achieved by excluding your parents out of the blue. They probably mean well and the context is also important. You will be living over there soon enough and contact will drop down to a phone call every couple of weeks, so it will be easy to cut the apron strings without bad feelings.

Do people really need to move to another country and need that crucial few days to achieve this? And if they come over, will you and gf need to move again to some new place and again and again until you can yourselves mentally cut the apron strings, because it is you who needs to balance adult relationships with your parents and also your person life and needing to be black white one or the other is not a good way of achieving harmony.

Big Bag of Chips

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that you are maybe a little bit relieved that they are insisting on going. You are 31, and only now taking your first steps towards independence (if I read your post right).

By 31 most people have spent the previous decade stepping towards independence and "training" their parents to accept they are capable independent adults rather than still "their child". It doesn't happen over night and can often be met with resistance from parents who don't want to let go! Lots of people have the same issues as you, but have them 10 years earlier. So by the time they get to your age the new adult relationship between parents and "child" is well established. That is why people are surprised at your situation.

But to be honest, you've spent 31 years, and most importantly the last 10 years, allowing your parents to look after you. So crazy as it sounds to everyone else, it is perfectly normal for them, (and you) to go out with you and hold your hand while you get sorted.

You're not protesting all that much. So in this case let them go, you've already decided you will. And maybe when you come home after being out there you will have matured yourself and your parents will find it easier to accept the new adult you!

But... Please please please, in future do not involve your parents in important decisions between you and your gf. There is nothing more unattractive to a partner then others having a huge influence or say in their life. What ever 'say' they (and you) think they are entitled to in your life.. they don't have the same entitlement with your gf/future wife(?)

ABajaninCork

I agree with BBOC. I think the horse has bolted with regard to the parents. Unfortunately, I think the girl will also bolt! Which girl in their right mind allows their BF's parents that much control.

OP -Let your parents come out if you must. But I think you're making a huge mistake if you want your relationship to continue.

Rosy Posy

Why not treat the 5 days they are out there as a mini holiday and a nice way to say goodbye? Stay in a hotel with them and do touristy things but don't make any decisions about your living arrangements until they're gone. That way they get some dedicated son time and to get a feel for your new city but you still get to call the shots re flat, furniture, job etc.

kylith

Rosy Posy wrote: »

Why not treat the 5 days they are out there as a mini holiday and a nice way to say goodbye? Stay in a hotel with them and do touristy things but don't make any decisions about your living arrangements until they're gone. That way they get some dedicated son time and to get a feel for your new city but you still get to call the shots re flat, furniture, job etc.

That's a good idea, and if they try to get into apartment viewings or anything like that you could say that you're waiting for your gf to come over so that the two of you can choose your home together.

hardCopy

Tell them to push their flights back a few months so they can come and see your new place once you've settled.

Your girlfriend will think you're a mug if you let them push you around like this.

Maura74

Just speak to your parents and tell them that you want to be independent and they should be proud of you for doing that. Also let them know that you will be very busy when you arrive in the new country getting to grips in a stranger place ie finding your way around ect., and you will feel guilty at not having time to be with them which would be a further worry for you and GF.

Also reassure them that you will Skype them on the first night there and as much as possible to them know how you are getting on and that way they will not feel so isolated from you. Maybe where you are there a while they could come out for a holiday when you both have time free to be with them.

LegacyUser

[QUOTE=emigrationwoes;90501660Like I'd be delighted if they wanted to come over then and I could show them around and if, at that stage, I was somehow in financial stress I could borrow some money off them then.[/QUOTE]

Are you for real? This, combined with your opening post about having borrow off them at times when you were out of work. My god, you're behaving like a child. It's no wonder they are treating you like a child. They possibly think you aren't capable of setting yourself up and being financially independent and to be honest, I wouldn't blame them. You're 31 years of age! Needing financial help from your folks at 21 might be understandable but you're a grown man. Start behaving like one and maybe they'll start treating you like one.

Tigger99

If you don't stand up to them on this you are sending them and your girlfriend, a strong message that it's ok for them to meddle in your life. If I was the girlfriend I would be pretty pee'd off that they have such strong influence.

Btw can you imagine turning up to view places to live with mammy and daddy in tow? No landlord will touch you as you will seem like you can't look after yourself.

Aside from the above, you've asked your parents to hold off coming over, they ignored you and booked flights anyway!! I'd be extremely annoyed at them disrespecting your wishes. Surely they need to learn that there are consequences for doing that?

Demonique

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I wouldn't be an a$$hole and do that either, jesus fair enough its a bit smothering, but they are still the people who raised the OP and helped out. All in all, OP, I'd let it go, at the end of the day its your decision about your apartment, make that clear, but I wouldnt go destroying a relationship with your parents over it, people here are very quick to dismiss your parents, but it really boils down to the individual relationship people have with their family. Mine would be very strong, so I can see both points of view here.

Just because they raised him doesn't give them the right to treat him like a baby

scallywaggles

It's worth considering your parents point of view. They might want to provide help when you need it now rather than giving/leaving you money later on in life when you are set up and don't need it. I really don't see the problem in accepting money or a loan from parents who want to help you. If you really don't want to take it as a gift tell them you would like to try going it alone and that perhaps if you need help down the line you could borrow off them and pay them interest.

Independence is largely a state of mind that you need to work on establishing, in reality few people are truely independent. Being able to stand up to your parents and explain why you and your gf are going and that you want to go it alone will be a start but it doesn't mean you have to completely reject what they offer. Ask them to hold off on visiting for 6 months while you get set up. If you explain yourself properly they'll probably follow your lead.

ABajaninCork

scallywaggles wrote: »

If you explain yourself properly they'll probably follow your lead.

Too late. They've already booked flights!!! :eek:

scallywaggles

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Too late. They've already booked flights!!! :eek:

Ah yeah but I'm sure he can convince them around to changing them and having a holiday later! They probably just got a bit over excited and in their shock at his booking his flights without saying anything first they followed his lead and booked theirs without saying anything first!