Non existent to people

LegacyUser

Hi,

I have just graduated from school and if I'm honest I have completely mixed feelings.
I was fairly quite and invisible in school to both teachers and students since I began. I've always been the last picked in PE etc.. I haven't gone to the afters of the grad and I regret it so much. I never got anything at awards days over the years in school and I am literally non existent to most people.

My Dad was an alcoholic for most of my life so I didn't go out drinking like everyone else did. He now has depression and has been barely able to leave the house for the last few years. The main reason I didn't go to the afters of the grad is because it would of involved over an hour on a bus with a load of people I know and new people. I am scared I am becoming like my dad. There was a vote in my year recently for a load of different things (most likely to become principal etc) and literally everyone in the year got something apart from me.

How can I change my life before I start college. I really don't want to be invisible anymore.

dee_mc

When you start college you will be leaving a lot of things behind. Embrace this.
College is great because you'll find yourself in the company of people with similar interests, values and priorities in life, more so than in secondary school. Have a look at the clubs and societies that will be available to you as a student - great opportunities to form a social group that won't necessarily have alcohol at its centre, which I feel is important for you.
You are not becoming your father - that's a legitimate fear, but you have a clear level of self awareness and sensitivity that'll prevent you from making the same choices he did.
Have another think about the awards etc in school - I remember feeling so let down when I was 'passed over' for these sorts of things in secondary school. It took a bit of time and distance to realise that I was far from ' the only one' not to be acknowledged in this way! I was very quiet in school too, and absolutely obsessed with the notion of not being noticed or acknowledged by many of the teachers and students. Having met some of my former classmates and teachers in the 11 years since I finished school I've been surprised by their take on the person I was: for example, where I thought I was shy and insular, they have remarked on me being 'focused' and 'self contained'. I'm not blowing my own trumpet here, but simply reminding you that being the quiet one isn't necessarily a bad thing! I was so shocked to realise that in my down times, the only person to have a truly negative perception of me, was me.
In the next few years you'll grow up so much and have so many great experiences. Enjoy them, and look forward.

dee_mc

Sorry, a couple of other points: talk to your GP about feeling anxious and invisible, as there are lots of supports available to help you work through your feelings. If you find it hard to say it out loud (as I did the first time I approached my GP about feeling depressed!) show them your post here, or write down how you feel.
Your Dad would also benefit from talking to someone about his options: would your mum or another relative take responsibility for helping him to take this step? You have enough going on without this added stress!
And 're missing the afters of your grad, bear in mind there will be other opportunities to round off this chapter of your life, like the celebrations after the exams, the debs, the leaving cert results - you missed little or nothing.
I wish you all the best and hope you feel a little better about things

Alf. A. Male

I didn't win awards and stuff in school or get voted most likely to become something or anything like that. Can't say I even noticed it at the time and it has certainly not made one iota of difference to my life so far. I recently met a teacher I hadn't seen in 25 years, he told me I was well-remembered in the school, thought of as a very calm presence who was a bit of a leader and good to have in the room. I didn't think of myself that way back then, so it was a bit of a surprise and was more validating to me that any award back then would have been. Don't read anything into the lack of overt recognition now, it is really meaningless and your life is all ahead of you.

I can understand why your dad's behaviour and situation affects you, but you are not him and do not need to become him. Children of alcoholics can have their own problems of course, but they don't always repeat the pattern and there's no need for you to. Have a look at Al-Anon http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/ They are there for the families of alcoholics and could be well worth contacting for you. Best of luck and enjoy college.

artvanderlay

I would advise you to avail of any counselling services offered by the college - I wish I had done so years ago as I had similar feelings to yourself. I was quiet and shy, although I was very good academically and had a fairly decent family background. Having a parent that is an alcoholic, and struggling with depression, is a tough one as it means you can't fully rely on an adult that should be there for you - that's why I would suggest counselling/talking to someone, just so that you start to build support around you whilst you are becoming an adult and dealing with everything that comes with that.

woodchuck

Hi OP,

Your post reminds me of myself about a decade ago! I was very shy in school and kind of just floated along unnoticed. I wasn't bullied or anything, but just ignored a lot and felt invisible. As a result I didn't make any/many friends and was quite miserable. I vowed to myself that things would be different when I went to college. I viewed it as a fresh start. Nobody knows you in college so you can really start over and be your true self. I made sure that I made an effort to put myself out there and engage in conversation with people (e.g. waiting in line to register, sitting beside people before and after lectures, in labs etc). I didn't have much time for clubs unfortunately due to the long hours of my course, but despite that after a while I formed a core group of friends who I'm still friends with today

So go for it OP and make sure you make the most of this opportunity! I'm not going to lie though, I was sh1tting bricks when I started college I suffered from social anxiety so it was a really tough thing for me to do. I was also scared that after building up college as 'the promised land' that it wouldn't turn out to be all I expected. But it worked out well for me in the end and it can for you too... it just requires a bit of effort!

As a side note I didn't even bother going to my debs. I really didn't see the point. I was starting a whole new life for myself, viewed it as taking a step backwards and I've never regretted it!

P.S. Another tip I just thought of... for the love of good do not default to looking at your phone when you're on your own! (more of an issue nowadays compared to 'back in my day' :P). It's becoming a bit of a safety net for people when they're on their own, but you should take the opportunity to see out someone to talk to.