In a horrific situation

LegacyUser

I am posting here on behalf of a friend who is so distressed that she is unable to.

My friend has been married for the last two years to a man she dated for eight years prior to that. They are both early 40's and last year had their first baby. Her husband has a successful business whereas she has opted to be a full time mother. They have experienced difficulties in their relationship like most couples but have worked through them - until now.

Six weeks ago her husband met a woman through a friend. This woman had recently arrived in Ireland from America. She mentioned she was looking for some work and my friends husband suggested she come and do some work for them around the house such as cleaning and taking care of the baby to give his wife some time to do things in town. His wife was somewhat reluctant to agree to this as she didn't feel it was necessary but the husband insisted. Shortly after this lady took up her position, I visited my friend. I noticed this woman was quite attractive and bore a rather striking resemblence to my friend. It had become quite clear that my friend was deeply uncomfortable having this woman in the house. She felt intimidated by her good looks and how well her husband treated this woman. I began to become concerned and rightly so.

A week later my friend called me and requested me to meet her urgently. When I met her I realised her worst fears had been confirmed; her husband was having an affair with the other woman. She was devastated, a broken woman.

However this is not just any ordinary extra marital affair, its sick and twisted. Her husband has been open about events from the beginning. He has been intimidate with this woman on front of his wife and child. He has openly 'declared his love' and told his wife that he has found 'new happiness' after just one month. He has moved out of their room and into the spare room with this woman. His wife has to endure the horror of her husband having sexual intercourse with his lover night after night while she is in the room across the way feeding their baby alone. He even had the audacity to ask his wife if she would be intimate with him again because the sex with his lover 'wasn't that good'. He also regularly boasts about how beautiful this woman is and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her and if she were to leave him then he would rather die. I could go on about some of the other appalling behaviour this man has engaged in but I just can't anymore.

This man is sick. I have never in my life heard anything so twisted. His wife agrees that something is seriously wrong and that he needs professional help. The woman is in utter shock. She cries herself to sleep every night. She desperately wants to leave but as she has little money she finds herself backed into a corner. She refuses to leave the upstairs compartment of the house because she can't bear to see her husband and this woman holding hands and kissing and doing God know's what else downstairs. Last night she had a confrontation with this woman in which she was mocked about her appearence and this lady claimed that her husband, 'doesn't wan't you, he wants me'.

I am desperately trying to help my friend out of this awful awful nighmare. Does anybody know how I could help her?

Neyite

There is emotional abuse here. Put her in touch with Womens Aid, they will be able to help her by counselling, accessing services to end her marriage such as legal advice to instigate a separation and division of assets and assist her in finding somewhere to live, and other social supports that she needs for her and her baby.

ash23

Has she any family or friends she can go and stay with. I understand she is fearful about leaving him because she has become dependent on him financially, but seriously, for her own sanity, she needs to get out of there.

There is assistance for people parenting alone and while it might take time to get it all ironed out, she simply can't stay where she is with the way her husband is treating her and their baby.

As Neyite said, it's emotional abuse and Womens Aid will be able to help but clearly her confidence is at an all time low. As her friend all you can do is listen to her and encourage her to make the (admittedly very scary leap) to get out of this relationship. For her own sake and the sake of the baby.

CaraMay

Wonder if this wan was his 'pen pal' and this is all a ruse. She needs to get this woman out of her house ASAP and may need help from friends or family to get the girls bags pack and dump them out the door.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

Wonder if this wan was his 'pen pal' and this is all a ruse. She needs to get this woman out of her house ASAP and may need help from friends or family to get the girls bags pack and dump them out the door.

This by a MILLION!

I would have dumped her sh*t out on the road when this first started and as for that scumbag she's with, same. I wouldnt care if I was backed into a corner, he's cheated right in front of her face. He doesnt deserve to breathe the same air as her.

ongarboy

Bloody hell! Peoples capacity for cruelty continue to amaze me. It's a wonder the new mistress doesn't have a shred of decency either and is happy to move in and also do it under the wife's nose. Sounds like both your wan and the husband are not the full shilling. It's frightening that you can date and be married to someone for 10 years and not be aware of their true character.

OP's friend is married and has rights. Womens Aid should be contacted immediately as others have posted. The hubby will know what he has lost when he's kicked out of the house, limited access to his child and his wan has quickly moved onto wrecking another marriage.

Ann84

As her friend, you need to help her get in touch with a solicitor asap. If she is going to stay in the house (which I think would be unbearable) she is going to have to set clear boundaries.

Personally, I think she would be better to gather evidence of the situation, proof of the affair etc, move in with anyone she can with her child and get onto filing for divorce.

Her marriage is over, there is no recovery from this 100% so now she needs to get her head straight, look after herself and her child and start talking legal implications.

My aunt went through something similar (the woman didn't move in but the affair was being waved under her nose), like your friend, she was a stay at home Mom with 2 boys under 4 at the time.
The best thing she did, was get back her own sense of power in the situation, at fist she was competing with the other woman (a completely set up situation!) but once she realised she didn't want her ex, she got her sh*t together, pursued legal separation, got maintenance and got a job... While minding the boys 100%.
It can be done, she can do this but she will need support. Help her get the he'll out of that house, she will not be able to think clearly while immersed in that totally bizarre situation.

What is still there for now? Get her to talk to people, family, friends... Get her out of there, it's awful,

Ps forget what he and the other woman are doing, forget making excuses for them it doesn't matter. At the end of the day, your friend needs to worry about her own mental health, her child and getting herself back on her feet... Who cares what they do, who cares why... My aunts ex is blissfully happy with his ex mistress still 10 years on... It doesn't matter to my Aunt, and it shouldn't matter to your friend. Just get her away from them fast.

Merkin

This is just so twisted, I'm shocked. The poor, poor girl. There is no way on earth she should leave the house, she won't get back in. She needs to contact both Women's Aid (this is severe emotional abuse) and also a good family law solicitor as a matter of priority because she is really up against it and needs the help of people who are professionally trained in these areas and are able to give her the support and advice she so desperately needs. In the meantime, all you can be is a very good friend.

LegacyUser

As a man I am shocked at what I have just read.
There is so much support out there for people who find themselves in the same situation as your friend, take all the advise given and get help for her.
Personally I agree with the previous posters, there would be a pile of black sacks with all their stuff waiting outside the door for them when came home and all the locks changed.
As hurtful and stressful as the situation is, try to assure your friend that she deserves better and that he is not worth dirt.

heretochat

I'm no expert on family law at all but my reactionis the exact same as Merkin's. Why should she leave her home to this absolute cretin and his floozy? Once she is gone I would imagine he would make it very hard for her to enforce any rights where the dwelling is concerned.

He has effectively abandoned her and the child and it is him that should be finding some new digs.

Legal advice is absolutely paramount in my opinion and should be sought without delay.

Addle

She won't lose legal rights to her home by leaving. She might lose her mind if she doesn't though.
I'd couldn't stay.
There must be someone she can stay with.
She mightn't want people to know what's going on, but she has to put herself and her baby first.

Not a usual course of action to be advised, but I think in this case deserved; can someone 'heavy' threaten him?

ash23

Personally I would think that her mental health is more important than bricks and mortar. I was in a similar position myself albeit not nearly as bad. My then partner left me for another woman and we were living in the same house. I could hear him talking to her on the phone, knew when he was going to see her, was seeing photos of them pinned up on the spare room wall etc.

He was refusing to leave the house we owned and the best thing I ever did, both for myself and my child, was to leave the house and find my own place. It was absolute torture living there and I barely had the strength to leave, let alone fight for the house.

OPs friend is in a very vunerable state right now with a small baby and a husband who is being emotionally abusive and wearing down her confidence and her sanity.

I'm not suggesting she move lock, stock and barrell but she needs to remove herself from the situation and surround herself with support. Simply going to stay with family or friends for a week or two would do her the world of good.

If he were physically abusing her she would be best to leave and get herself out of harms way. Emotional abuse is no different.

A bit of time away from the scenario to give her some headspace and peace and she will be in a much better frame of mind to fight her corner in terms of the house, maintenance etc.
If she stays there she will most likely continue to be walked on and treated abysmally.

Ann84

She won't loose rights to the house if she leaves, HE has abandoned the marriage, he is having an affair.
She needs to remove herself and her child from the situation! I don't know how anyone could recommend she stay there and what, get two people to leave?! She won't win, there is nothing to win for her there, she will end up getting picked apart by her ex and his new partner, it's already started based on the recent run in they had..

Why she would draw more of that kind of conflict on herself when she could walk away and start again is beyond me! It's a house, a house she probably won't even want to stay in if they were gone?!

OP could you help her find somewhere safe away from the situation so she can get her head together?

dipdip

Do the husband and his mistress ever both leave the house?

If they do, could she change the locks and have a contingent of friends and family come over to remove their belongings from the house and put them outside? Could a friend move in with her and the baby for a few months for a bit of extra support?

Tokyo

Addle wrote: »

Not a usual course of action to be advised, but I think in this case deserved; can someone 'heavy' threaten him?

Addle - as per the forum rules, not a course of action to be advised at all. Considering your history and that infractions are accumulative, red card issued. Any more posts like this and your access to PI will be removed.

Regards,
Mike

Wabbit Ears

I was once in a similar but not as serious situation.

We lived in an apartment and shared a room and our bed but the relationship was over.

One day she came back with a new boyfriend and they slept together in the living room.

I was in shock.

Next morning I left for work and just said, as cold as fcuk so as to leave no questions, that when I got home, herself and everything she owns was not to be there.

Now some stuff she took she shouldn't have but she was gone out f the house. I only saw her once when I got back some documents I needed, didn't care about any material stuff. Haven't ever spoken to her since.

This breakup and the way it happened destroyed me for years, its a horrible horrible thing to do to anybody, to replace them in fromt of their face.

OPS friend needs to cut these ties completely. Kick them both out, change locks and get a barring order.

IrishEyes19

Firstly I have to say how sorry I am for your friend. I will add I dont believe he needs professional help, this isn't the actions of a man who has a had a break down or struggling. This is a vindictive, cold hearted person who does deserve his wife. It is obvious these events were planned beforehand, OP. Could you put your friend up for a while or does she have family she could lean on. This is abuse, OP. She will eventually crack under it.

Sleepless and Manic

Absolutely horrifying. I'm speechless.

Its like a horror film and i'm yelling at the screen "GET OUT NOW". Seriously NOW. Today. Tonight. That sort of cruelty is abuse, plain and simple. I wouldnt expect any kind of rational sane communication with them and I shudder to think of your friend being under the same roof.

Get her to a hotel, talk to a solicitor the next day and send the bill to the "husband" (does he qualify for such a title?).

Also I'm afraid to say but if you want to help your friend OP you could let her and her kids sleep on your sofa if need be. I really believe she should be out of there.

Sleepless and Manic

I wonder what sort of Visa this recently arrived american has?

Sounds like she's playing him for the Irish/EU passport.

Sleepless and Manic

ash23 wrote: »

I'm not suggesting she move lock, stock and barrell but she needs to remove herself from the situation and surround herself with support. Simply going to stay with family or friends for a week or two would do her the world of good.

If he were physically abusing her she would be best to leave and get herself out of harms way. Emotional abuse is no different.

I agree. She must get out now.

She's not giving up her house (or her rights to her house) by getting out of an abusive situation. If that were true anyone could be bullied out of their property. Ridiculous. The notion that she cant leave for a week without losing her house is utter nonsense. What if she went on holiday?

She's hiding in an upstairs bedroom with a 1 year old and she needs out. now. And she needs to talk to a solicitor asap as well.

lovelyjubbly

I'm afraid your friend may need to stay in the house, at least until she has sought legal advice. If she leaves the house she won't be entitled to go on a housing list or receive rent allowance, as she has a legal stake in a home. People fleeing domestic abuse are treated poorly by the State.

It's all well and good saying leave due to your mental health but effectively becoming homeless is a pretty crappy option.

Seek legal advice and contact Women's Aid.

bakergirl91

wow..... i am truly shocked at how cruel people can be. I think there is some excellent advice here, but it is essential that your friend leaves .....eventually, but i dont think she can now. However, i think this 'other woman' has motives of her own, which has been mentioned by other posters. She clearly wants your friend to leave.... and in a manner i wouldnt want her to get her own way. I think seeking legal advice is essential in this circumstance as soon as possible to secure your the house, as well as to deal with this woman that has invaded!

LegacyUser

OP My ex husband did something along the same lines...brought his then gf (and there were many) into the house and had sex on the couch in the sitting room while I was upstairs tending to our three very young children and could hear the whole thing. I was so shocked I couldn't speak, but I knew that if I were to lose the head, I would lose everything. Keeping rational thought at a time like this is sooooooo difficult . But from somewhere I found the strength to hatch a plan to oust him with minimal upset. Your friend simply has to tell him to go. No one can accept this cruelty. My GP actually was my first port of call. I managed then to get clarity of what I had to do, and have strength. She must get legal advice, and decide what way she wants to go. Separation and divorce proceedings in this country take so long she will need a lot of support. It's laughable. By the time my divorce has come through, the whole procedure will have taken longer than the marriage!
She really needs legal advice and a referral from GP to a good therapist to help her through this horrendous time.
Cyber hugs to her.

acon2119

Wabbit Ears wrote: »

I was once in a similar but not as serious situation.

We lived in an apartment and shared a room and our bed but the relationship was over.

One day she came back with a new boyfriend and they slept together in the living room.

I was in shock.

Next morning I left for work and just said, as cold as fcuk so as to leave no questions, that when I got home, herself and everything she owns was not to be there.

Now some stuff she took she shouldn't have but she was gone out f the house. I only saw her once when I got back some documents I needed, didn't care about any material stuff. Haven't ever spoken to her since.

This breakup and the way it happened destroyed me for years, its a horrible horrible thing to do to anybody, to replace them in fromt of their face.

OPS friend needs to cut these ties completely. Kick them both out, change locks and get a barring order.

She needs professional advice, it's easy for other people to tell her what to do but I know from experience its not that easy to get him out or get a barring order, in my experience he can torture her mentally but unless he hits her she wont get a barring order easily. But she does need somewhere to rear her child so if she is strong enough to fight it, she should get him out and stay in her house until her child is reared, that way she has a long while to prepare for the future financially.

Greenduck

I am genuinely shocked reading this. I cannot imagine how she is feeling right now. Is there a time were she could pack his bags and hers and get the locks changed? She also needs to go speak to a professional..either GP or therapist to help her through this emotionally.

I would sort of disagree on what others are saying about leaving. That's clearly his plan, so I would stay put and make life as difficult for him as possible. For example...have as many of your friends around when he comes home. Refuse to do any housework etc. This is HER home..why should she be bullied out by two people (who sound a bit mentally unstable tbh). The man is an disgusting bully and sometimes they need to be stood up to.

miamee

She definitely needs to get some legal advice as to what she should do next and how to do it. The priority would be to get him and that woman out of her home. It may not be very straight forward though.

I wonder could she invite someone to come stay with her for moral support? Her mother, a friend, a sister perhaps? She must be going out of her mind, the poor woman and trying to keep things normal for the baby at the same time. I feel so sorry for her and wish her the best of luck.

Addle

miamee wrote: »

She definitely needs to get some legal advice as to what she should do next and how to do it. The priority would be to get him and that woman out of her home. It may not be very straight forward though.

I wonder could she invite someone to come stay with her for moral support? Her mother, a friend, a sister perhaps? She must be going out of her mind, the poor woman and trying to keep things normal for the baby at the same time. I feel so sorry for her and wish her the best of luck.

I hope his family know what he's up to, and his employer. Nobody will have any respect for him.
With any luck, he'll be shamed into leaving.

miamee

Addle wrote: »

I hope his family know what he's up to, and his employer. Nobody will have any respect for him.
With any luck, he'll be shamed into leaving.

Hmm maybe inviting one of HIS family to come for moral support would do the trick, depending on her relationship with them and his (would he care what they think/listen to them, etc.)

dixiefly

It is hard to add much to what has already been said. As others hae said he really sets a new level in how obnoxious he can be.

She should remember that (imho) her issue is with HIM. She can be the focus of her ire but she could probably be any one of many women that he could have latched on to.

I am not particularly expert on these things but the following is what think she should do.

1. See a solicitor and get a clear set of options. If they live in a small town I would not go to the local solicitor they always did, he/she could be influenced by the fact that her husband is in business and might not fight her case as well as he could. She needs to get advice on getting a solicitor that could have her welfare as the only motivator and prepared to fight it.

2. She should probably see her GP as stress levels are probably immense and a report from GP might be helpful in getting a barring order. As I say I am not too expert in this.

3. She should get family / friends to come and stay with her in the house as much as possible.

4. She should be guided by solicitor on the best tactics vis a vis staying or leaving the house.

But her priority is to identify a good solictor that will be on her side 100% and to meet the solicitor ASAP.

Emme

dixiefly wrote: »

2. She should probably see her GP as stress levels are probably immense and a report from GP might be helpful in getting a barring order. As I say I am not too expert in this.

3. She should get family / friends to come and stay with her in the house as much as possible.

4. She should be guided by solicitor on the best tactics vis a vis staying or leaving the house.

But her priority is to identify a good solictor that will be on her side 100% and to meet the solicitor ASAP.

This is excellent advice but no 2 would be a very good option if it could be enforced. The scumbag husband might start to think differently on if he thought his little dalliance would put him out on the street! Eitherways it's too late. He's done the dirt and rubbed his wife and child's nose in it.

Riskymove

Sleepless and Manic wrote: »

I wonder what sort of Visa this recently arrived american has?

Sounds like she's playing him for the Irish/EU passport.

wouldn't be much point it would be at least 4 years before he could divorce and remarry

ABajaninCork

Riskymove wrote: »

wouldn't be much point it would be at least 4 years before he could divorce and remarry

Yeah, but if that's the case, I bet the silly cow hasn't even realised it. She'll be in for a mighty long wait.

Da Shins Kelly

Wow. This is really shocking. I can't really add much to what has already said, except I do think she should stay in the house, unless the stress of it all is really, really getting to her. They're trying to bully her. Why should she be run out of her own home?

First thing's first, I would do as has already been suggested and get in touch with a good solicitor and work through options regarding a separation.

If there is any time when she is alone in the house and they're gone, get a few friends and family together to fcuk their stuff out the door and change the locks. I'd also advise someone to stay with her for a while afterwards for support in case the situation escalates in any way. He has effectively ended the marriage, he has no business being in the house, and the other woman certainly doesn't either, but you never know how they might react to being told to leave.

Support from Women's Aid could go a long way too.

ABajaninCork

If the house is in both names, then unfortunately she can't throw HIS stuff out in the street. But I wouldn't hesitate to fcuk HER stuff out and dare him to call the Gards.

Being the biatch I can be, I'd also be calling Immigration...

willow tree

The poor woman & child.. beyond belief. Its difficult to take & ask for support when you've low self esteem so i think thats where you, her friend comes in. Call on friends & family she trusts. Call a local womans aid for advice. Call citizens information. She can get the woman out of the house & even, i've known cases where the guards will call & advise one person (the husband in this case) to leave the house for a while if she rang & asked them. I really hope for her in time that she can move on from such despicable people & find a happy, positive life for her & her child.

daRobot

What a horrific story, just reminds you that there are some vile people out there.

As above, lawyer up (a good one) and make sure she destroys her husband to the best of her ability.

To do that to a mother and child, with a live in whore (who is no better than the husband) is just unfathomable.

Soilse

She should ask her solicitor if you can get a temporary barring order for them both. Not sure how it works for marriages but domestic violence (physical or emotional) can only escalate. Her solicitor should then tell her to get a letter from her GP stating how tramautised she is, then you as her friend with her consent should start ringing her family and friends and see about having someone calling over to her regularly. Its a terrible situation for a new mum in such a vunerable situation. Good luck