Am I been given the runaround?

Moonriver99

Hi, I'm not one for writing posts and asking for relationship advice but I would be grateful for any advice.

I've been with my boyfriend (now fiancé) for five years. Engages six months. We wr in a long distance relationship with him working in wales and me here because in his field there were no jobs here. The relationship has been long distance well over a year and he asked me to get engaged despite it. We felt it important to have a long engagement so while we never discussed when exactly he told me in a few years. He said maybe in three years which I was happy about. We didn't set a date, but I had an idea. The problem is we have been arguing a bit cos I felt he wasn't supportive. This is because a few things happened that made life tough.
My da passed away just before he asked to get engaged and it was so tough. I felt that I needed more support but I felt he shyed away from it which I can understand, it's hard when you don't know what someone is going through. Recently he told me, that he was going on a few holidays, and he doesn't have much money as it is and I asked was he saving for the wedding(still no date, although this time he had settled on three years) and he got defensive) and I apologized for asking. A few holidays here and there wouldn't be bad, besides he loves to travel, I wouldn't stop someone. Yet, I was feeling down and asked him to come home for a weekend. He said he couldn't, he had no money. Then suddenly a few weeks later he comes into money, (a couple of grand) we are having a casual conversation and he says he's hoping to go to New Zealand for a trip in two years with his mates which I know will cost thousands. I casually ask how would he do that if we are to get married in three years! he then tells me! he wants to go there before marriage and that it will be five or six years before we actually tie the knot that it's not a prority. I was so hurt. Only because he'd said to me he wants to get married sooner. I don't mind the long engagement, I wasn't ever pushy but I'd like to plan things) but any time it comes up he gets vague and I'm afraid if I wait another five years he could tell me oh, maybe in another year or two. It's beyond frustrating. I know he doesn't earn much otherwise in work because of a loan he has out and all his extra income goes on that. But he's blowing thousands on a trip (plus all his other little weekends away in between) I desperately love him but he thinks I'm trying to be pushy and on top of this I'm dealing with grief. I've been the one with him through his hardships and he tells me how great I was to him but now im not sure where I stand. I can't say my mood has always been great but I'm loving and if he were hurt or needed me, there would be no question, I'd be there. To listen and talk. Is it fair to not let someone know where they stand? Honestly I might have sometimes been moody here and there and we had arguments but is it unreasonable? I've been with him a long time, never made him marry me or pushed him into it. I'm sad because I don't want to let it go I guess I wished I was number one for once. How come he has clear cut plans for holidays? But when it comes to whqt I want and would love he is vague and distant? We are in our early thirties. Opinions appreciated.

Maphisto

Moonriver99 wrote: »

I've been with my boyfriend (now fiancé) for five years. Engages six months. We wr in a long distance relationship with him working in wales and me here because in his field there were no jobs here. The relationship has been long distance well over a year and he asked me to get engaged despite it.

There's a lot of info in your post so I've tried to break it down a bit.

The problem is we have been arguing a bit cos I felt he wasn't supportive. This is because a few things happened that made life tough.
My da passed away just before he asked to get engaged and it was so tough. I felt that I needed more support but I felt he shyed away from it

If he is unsupportive now - do you feel this will improve when you are married?

A lot of the time people don't know what to say when a bereavement occurs - I know I am one of them, but being there, offering, a hug, a hand, a lift when something needs doing ...

Having been in that particularly unhappy boat a couple of years ago, I can't find the words to adequately thank my wife for how she got me through it. There's nothing I wouldn't do for my wife and nothing she wouldn't do for me. That's what marriage is.

Recently he told me, that he was going on a few holidays, and he doesn't have much money as it is and I asked was he saving for the wedding .....
.... A few holidays here and there wouldn't be bad, besides he loves to travel, I wouldn't stop someone. Yet, I was feeling down and asked him to come home for a weekend. He said he couldn't, he had no money. Then suddenly a few weeks later he comes into money, (a couple of grand) we are having a casual conversation and he says he's hoping to go to New Zealand

No mention of the two of you going together? I'm old school. I understand wanting to do a big trip before "settling down" but if you're a couple that is surely the first option. Maybe you wouldn't want to go but was there no discussion?


I think the two of you need a good long hard talk about: the future; marriage; respect for each other; money.

This is unpleasant and I don't mean to be, but is it likely that he asked to get engaged out of a mixture of gratitude for your support in the past and a feeling of homesickness? That those ties have weakened now he has a new life and friends in UK?

Alf. A. Male

He's making it up as he goes along and suiting himself. I don't know why you'd aplogise for asking legitimate questions about your future, but his response and actions would suggest to me you are heading in very different directions regardless of being engaged.

Moonriver99

Thanks for your replies. I'm no angel, I know maybe I'm quite co dependent and like to be involved In things and I understand his importance to go places. I have tried to talk about it. But he ignores me for days, maybe I got too low about my dad's death but I do know had the tables been turned and he lost his dad I would have been done a lot more. He went off two weeks after my dad died and I asked him I stay for the months mind and he said his holiday ws booked. Sorry for all the info I know it's not easy to decipher.

I agree, he's making things up, sort of sending me around chasing my tail. I guess I've been with him so long that I find it hard to let go. I was Ill for a while last yer but now I feel better but he thinks I'm lazy.

It hurts and I tried my best to communicate, I have offered everything I have and I do realise it will never be good enough.

Maphisto

Moon I ttried to put a positive edge to my post, but your further post leads me to agree with Alf.A more.

Perhaps the relationship has run its course.

Sending you hugs.

Merkin

Why exactly are you letting him call all the shots? In any successful relationship, decisions that effect both of you are agreed upon and discussed. He seems to be making a whole host of unilateral decisions and you seem to be complying (unhappily) with each one.

You're also in your early 30s and if you know you want to get married I don't in all honesty see the point of a six-year engagement You're going to be left pretty high and dry then if he wants to procrastinate even further. You also seem to be extremely apologetic about asking him some very basic questions.

To be honest it doesn't look good.

Alf. A. Male

Moonriver99 wrote: »

he ignores me for days, maybe I got too low about my dad's death but I do know had the tables been turned and he lost his dad I would have been done a lot more. He went off two weeks after my dad died and I asked him I stay for the months mind and he said his holiday ws booked. Sorry for all the info I know it's not easy to decipher.

I agree, he's making things up, sort of sending me around chasing my tail. I guess I've been with him so long that I find it hard to let go. I was Ill for a while last yer but now I feel better but he thinks I'm lazy.

It hurts and I tried my best to communicate, I have offered everything I have and I do realise it will never be good enough.

So he's not there for you emotionally or physically and the "commitment" of the engagment has essentially been verbal only and not backed up by any planning or concrete actions.
What are you getting out of this? Not much that I can see and I think you need to work on yourself and improving your life and outlook so you won't be dependent on the illusory support of this "relationship".

It looks to me like he's going to go ahead and live his life to suit himself, while stringing you along until it doesn't suit him anymore.

kylith

You're in your early 30s, right? Would you like to have children, and have you talked about this with him? If so, were you planning to have them before or after you get married? If he's planning on going travelling with his mates in a few years I presume that he intends to put off starting a family until after that? So that's 2 years until this holiday then a year (?) in NZ, then he comes back and you've been waiting 3 years, then another three years to when he has (tentatively) agreed to get married so you'll be 36 in best case scenario.

You need to set out some sort of timetable for what YOU want in the future and go through it with him. Don't be afraid to say 'this is what I want'. It sounds like you've been letting him dictate the timetable of the relationship, and he's in no rush to do anything. You need to decide if your plans can wait for him, and if he's worth waiting for because, tbh, it sounds like his future with you is way down his list of priorities, behind his holidays and his mates.

And, so you know, there is no such thing as being 'too low' after your father's death. Your father had just died, FFS, being devastated is absolutely normal.

heretochat

So this guy offered you absolutely no support at all when your parent died but went off on holidays?

Now he is planning another holiday 2 years from now and basically has told you to stop bothering him with talk of getting married.

He seems to live his life the way that he wants to with very little care or consideration for your feelings.

He comes across to me as a selfish person who is keeping you dangling on a hook.

You seriously need to consider whether you are prepared to throw more of your life away on this sort of a person.

Flippyfloppy

I really don't like the sound of this guy OP.

For the record your story is not hard to decipher, you made everything perfectly clear. And you certainly don't sound co-dependent at all, in fact you're ok with your fiancé living abroad & using all his free time to flute off on holidays.

Would you consider doing CBT, get your thoughts in order?

stargazer 68

OP I have to agree with what others have said - he seems to be just suiting himself with no consideration at all for you.

He said marrying you was not a priority! :eek: I would have packed his bags at that point!

Magicmatilda

Given that you are in a long distance relatioship surely most of his holidays should be with you?

Has he asked you to go?

It sounds to me like you have been in this so long you don't realise what love is anymore.

Love is supporting someone, it is wanting to spend time with someone, it is respecting someone, it is laughing together. Do you two do any of that.

I think that you know this is not healthy and you know you need to let him go, you have referred to it.

It will be difficult and it will be painful but it looks like he is causing you more anxiety than he is relieving.

Honestly I think you would be well served by telling him to get stuffed and starting to build a relationship with yourself. As someone said to me recently I would rather be on the shelf than in the fridge!

The man you marry should want to marry you and i am afraid this guy doesn't sound like he does.

whiskeyman

You deserve better.
He's taking the proverbial with his carry on, especially given your ages.
He's doing everything to suit himself and nothing for you.
As hard as it's going to be, you need to end this and stop wasting your time.

Moonriver99

Thank you all for your posts. I'm upset and I sometimes thought it ws just me, ws I too pushy? So I would step away. We never talked about the wedding because he'd say I ws going on. He has now told me he doesn't want to get married til we are in our forties, do I have idiot written on my head? Why would someone offer a ring and change all the time?i never harassed him into it. I'm really hurt like, I can't believe someone would do anything like this to me. He's ended it with me now. It's soul destroying, I'm officially on my own. Thank you for your thoughts, not only did my dad die, my partner has left me. Thank you I really appreciate it.

Moonriver99

I just want to add I'm not trying to put on the poor me attitude. I did try honestly, I got stuck in a rut with my dads death but I'd never do what he has done to me. In reply to why I let him call the shots. I think I must have not much self esteem,

Meathlass

Moonriver99 wrote: »

Thank you all for your posts. I'm upset and I sometimes thought it ws just me, ws I too pushy? So I would step away. We never talked about the wedding because he'd say I ws going on. He has now told me he doesn't want to get married til we are in our forties, do I have idiot written on my head? Why would someone offer a ring and change all the time?i never harassed him into it. I'm really hurt like, I can't believe someone would do anything like this to me. He's ended it with me now. It's soul destroying, I'm officially on my own. Thank you for your thoughts, not only did my dad die, my partner has left me. Thank you I really appreciate it.

You poor thing. At least you know where you stand now though. He was just going to string you along forever. Was he ever planning on having children if he waited so long to get married.

I know it's tough but this is a blessing in disguise.

Moonriver99

No, magic. He has not asked me to go. I don't have the money to be fair. And in fairness he has come back to see me. And I expect him to live his life but just consider what I want sometimes.

IHeartShoes

It might not seem like it now, but you are waaaaaaay better off without a waste of skin like that in your life. Keep telling yourself that when you feel low or feel you miss him. You are better off without him.

Lean on your friends and family. Its hard. It hurts. But you will get through it. You have survived your Dad's passing, you will survive this and will be all the stronger and better for it.

I'm so sorry. S

Magicmatilda

Though it does not feel like it he has done you a huge favour.

He ended the relationship because he did not love you, he was right to do that, though how he treated you during it was completely wrong. He has finally grown a pair and done the right thing. You should thank him if anything.

If I were you I would sell the ring and go on a holiday while I figure out where to go from here.

Counselling would be an idea as well to look at why you put up with his c$%p in the first place. Because you did put up with it and you did stay in it. So you need to own that and do everything you can to ensure it doesn;t happen again.

I wish you the best of luck. Be kind to yourself and lean on your friends.

Moonriver99

Thanks guys, obviously losing my dad has messed up my judgement. He died suddenly too without warning so I've just come to the realisation that it really happened and my fiancé told me I need to be over it although he doesn't understand it. , it's hard to deal with that and then someone who won't be straight. I think his deal is he wants to paint me as some sort of bunny boiler who just wants to wear a white gown for a day and get my day out. It's not true, if that were the case I would have harassed Him a year after dating. We are together six years. I'd marry down the local registry office it's not about a fancy wedding. Just me and him, that's the thing. It was only about us. The funny thing is if he had been truthful a year ago, we wouldn't be here. Good idea to sell the ring, il plan a holiday maybe X thank you for your input. You put in honest opinions.

Addle

Moonriver99 wrote: »

Good idea to sell the ring

If he paid for the ring, he may look for it back.
Just don't spend until you know it's def yours to keep.

Sleepless and Manic

Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I'd be in pieces. You're being very strong.

Maphisto

Addle wrote: »

If he paid for the ring, he may look for it back.
Just don't spend until you know it's def yours to keep.

Feck him - make him sue for it.

Merkin

I think you should probably look into some bereavement counselling due to the sudden death of your Dad. It obviously came as a massive shock and a trained counsellor could really help with the grieving process.

Re your recent ex, he's done you a favour. Don't waste a moment more on him and make this a clean break.

kylith

Addle wrote: »

If he paid for the ring, he may look for it back.
Just don't spend until you know it's def yours to keep.

AFAIK an engagement ring is considered a gift and he has no legal right to ask for it back.

OP, you are so much better off without this guy. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will realise it soon.

Alf. A. Male

kylith wrote: »

AFAIK an engagement ring is considered a gift and he has no legal right to ask for it back.
.

Totally wrong, it must be returned if sought.