Long Term Relationship help

LegacyUser

Myself and my boyfriend are going out about 7 and a half years now. We have moved in together and are living together for 9 months. Things are always great between us, we are very close and hardly ever fight.
I found messages on his phone to another girl that he used to work with when he worked in dublin 4/5 years ago. They were very sexual messages telling each other what they wanted to do to each other and sending naked pics and he even told her that if she was single and if they lived closer that they would definetly be together.
I confronted him about it and he can't give a reason why he did it and says he was an idiot. I was just back from holidays 3 days when I found the messages and he hadn't wrote to her since the day before I had come back (good sign ryt?) It had gone on less then a month. I'm finding it so hard to forgive him as I cant find one reason why he would do this and our relationship was not in a bad place at the time.
I know he deeply regrets it but about 3 years ago he was messaging girls on facebook but it wasn't half as bad as this time so I eventually forgave him but its different this time I cant even think about being with him again, but it has only been 3 days.
At the moment we are talking and he has asked me to give him time for him to make it up to me. We have both applied for college in sept and he says that he wants to go to college and live with me and get a better life for both of us.
Any comments or advise for me would be greatly appreciated

Tokyo

Hey OP,

ultimately you are the only person who can decide whether to give him another chance or not, but think about it for a second - do you think you can continue to trust and love him, knowing that your boyfriend was exchanging naked photos with another woman, and telling her that only for geography they would definitely be together?

Your boyfriend doesn't have to sleep with someone else to cheat on you - he's cheating on you emotionally just bey being far more invested in this other person than he is in you, and he's displaying a complete lack of respect for both you and your relationship, and not for the first time by the sounds of it.

For me that would be a dealbreaker, but you have to make that choice for yourself. If I were you I'd be looking for far more of an explanation than "I'm an idiot" though....

Lou.m

mairead16 wrote: »

Myself and my boyfriend are going out about 7 and a half years now. We have moved in together and are living together for 9 months. Things are always great between us, we are very close and hardly ever fight.
I found messages on his phone to another girl that he used to work with when he worked in dublin 4/5 years ago. They were very sexual messages telling each other what they wanted to do to each other and sending naked pics and he even told her that if she was single and if they lived closer that they would definetly be together.
I confronted him about it and he can't give a reason why he did it and says he was an idiot. I was just back from holidays 3 days when I found the messages and he hadn't wrote to her since the day before I had come back (good sign ryt?) It had gone on less then a month. I'm finding it so hard to forgive him as I cant find one reason why he would do this and our relationship was not in a bad place at the time.
I know he deeply regrets it but about 3 years ago he was messaging girls on facebook but it wasn't half as bad as this time so I eventually forgave him but its different this time I cant even think about being with him again, but it has only been 3 days.
At the moment we are talking and he has asked me to give him time for him to make it up to me. We have both applied for college in sept and he says that he wants to go to college and live with me and get a better life for both of us.
Any comments or advise for me would be greatly appreciated

He has a problem. He cannot be honest with you.

I would wager his behavior goes way further than you could even imagine seriously the online world has really no boundaries.

This is possibly something that has become a large part of his life and personality.

He is picking up girls and lying to string them along. He is lying to them to get naked pictures. He told that girl they would be together etc to get her to send naked pictures to him. He has a problem.

This problem has progressed and gotten worse as you have seen.

He probably can't stop without help. I'm serious.

He needs to talk to someone.

Some guys set up their whole FB profile to pick up girls...not necessarily to pick them up in life but to get them to send sex based content and for the high.

You said you hardly ever fight ...but this was going on. It sounds like there is a side to him he is not showing you. There is a part of his sexuality that he displaces. He needs to harness the dirty bad side of himself in a healthier way if he does not have the emotional intelligence to do this and still get an equal high he will do this again.

If you can't find a reason...then the reason is compulsion to do it ...it's there. The reason is the enjoyment of the activity itself. And of course the naked pics.

It is your decision. It is not about making it up to you it is about him never doing it again and that is going to seem like a sacrifice to him.

He really needs to consider is this relationship worth it. I know that seems odd me saying HE needs to consider that. But it is true. He needs to think about what that will be like.

And you need to now stitch this side of him into you understanding of his character when you judge whether he is worth it. Is a man who is in a relationship who sends dirty pics without you knowing to others worth it? Is he worth the second chance? Is he worth the risk? How great is the risk?

He needs to assure you that he really loves you and is not going to do this again and that he understands what that will be like and is genuine.

Then you can decide.

I would be saying no personally.

Interestingly what would he do if the roles were reversed do you think?

mairead116

Hey guys, Its me again, I had posted as guest because I couldn't remember my username! Thanks for taking the time to respond.
We have talked since and we talked about what we had and we were both very happy and in a good place. The only thing that he said that I could pinpoint that may have led to this is that. He starts work at 5am and therefore finishes early in the day. He says that he's bored because he has no friends to meet up with and its really frustrating him. He does like to workout alot and he busy's himself with gym but he said apart from work, gym and me its all he really has. He says thats why he's really looking forward to going back to college so he can make some proper friends. He says she contacted him and it was nothing but talking for him.
We agreed to get along and if the elephant walks in to the room to discuss it and not just ignore it. I have had fun with him that last 2 evenings but when I'm alone I get really upset and wonder am I making a mistake I'll regret down the line. We kissed this evening and he still made every single nerve ending fire but that left me more confused.
Again any advice or comments are welcome. Thanks

liz lemoncello

mairead116 wrote: »

..... He says she contacted him and it was nothing but talking for him. ...

Just talking? But this is what he said:

mairead16 wrote: »

...They were very sexual messages telling each other what they wanted to do to each other and sending naked pics and he even told her that if she was single and if they lived closer that they would definetly be together. ...

He says he'll make it up to you; how will he do that?

ahnow

One time doing it, and in my position I might consider giving him another chance...might. But that's a second time he's done it, and he can't even give you a reason for it.
How many more times will there be?

ash23

OP I found similar on my exs phone. He swore nothing happened and he had stopped texting her weeks before I found out. he showed me bills proving it.

About a year later I found out he'd had another phone he was using to text her and a couple of times he was away he met up with her etc.


It's all behind me now but being honest, I think given half the chance your boyfriend would cheat. Actually scrap that, he already has cheated. I mean he would physically cheat.

I've been where you are, wanting to believe what I was told because it was easier and wanting to salvage the relationship, making excuses for unacceptable behaviour.

It might be different with you but I know that I couldn't move on from it and was always worried about where he was, who he was texting etc. A relationship without trust is a terrible thing OP. And just not worth it imo.

Now, if I were to catch a whiff of cheating I'd end it. I'm not the type who can forgive and forget. Once the trust is breached I find it too difficult to trust again.

December2012

Are you each other's first relationship? Maybe it has run it's course

dixiefly

December2012 wrote: »

Are you each other's first relationship? Maybe it has run it's course

I would agree with this.

Probably a dealbreaker but the very least I would do would be to take a break from the relationship.