Flat mates: living with a couple and they're both friends

Mike2k

I'm living with two close friends, one is a friend for nearly 10 yrs, the other is his gf, who I became friends with through him. The landlord's understanding is that I am living with the girl but unofficially, her boyfriend, my friend has moved in. The story is as follows:

A few months back, he moved back to the area and asked if he could stay short term. I said fine, for a short while, with a small contribution to my rent - the place is confined, and I figured this was a good way of putting a price on the favour. She was not involved in the conversation with me. However, I agreed to it in the short term. After a few months, I had to bring up the subject again (with him, which is wrong because she should have the say she being the official tenant) to find out the status quo. There was no sign of movement from them, and so I said OK to him continuing to stay but increased his rent contribution.

Now, it has come to the stage where I'm finding it very difficult to live with a couple. I am angry, and feel that I am being taken for granted. If I look on daft, I see that every house declares "couples not accepted". Against my better judgement, I allowed the situation to run until now.

Everybody I have spoken to since the arrangement came to pass has asked me why they haven't moved out yet, or how I stick it. In advance of allowing the situation to take hold, I expected respect from these two friends, as the arrangement was proposed as a short term measure.

Clearly this is not the case. I am in two minds to move out, but I feel that as I have lived in the flat for over 3 years,and she has only lived here marginally longer, I am well entitled to stand my ground. However, I don't enjoy confrontation (clearly) otherwise I wouldn't be in this mess.

I would like some advice, and I grant that I have been a gob***** to allow it to escalate as it has.

I am considering moving out for an easy life, or telling the landlord and allowing all hell to break loose, or holding my ground and asking them to move out. I would appreciate all advice (and criticism!!)

Mike2k

I should point out, this evening before I left the house, I have strong suspicion they were recording my conversation with my gf to eavesdrop on some potentially significant remarks from myself - I'm almost certain of it.

Fries-With-That

I think you should move out, you allowed him to stay, on condition that he pay a portion of your rent.

Now you're cheesed at the arrangement. If you had allowed him stay as a favour you'd be in a stronger position, to lay down the law, but you have him paying a portion of your rent

Mike2k

How about I no longer accept the rent contribution from him??!

dpofloinn

Mike2k wrote: »

How about I no longer accept the rent contribution from him??!

Too late for that now. That option expired the very first time you accepted rent from him.There are two possibilities for you now are stay and put up with it or pack your bags and hit the road

groovyg

What kind of place are you living in? Is it a tiny two bed apartment? Tbh once he moved in the rent and bills should have been split three ways until he found a place of his own. I assume now they want to just live together themselves.

Have you had a chat with the two of them to find out what they want or are going to do?

As you said yourself you have let the situation go on to far along which has allowed you to build up a load of anger that possibly will result in you losing the rag with them thus the loss of two friendships. But if you haven't told them how you have felt they might be thinking you are totally grand with him living there when in fact you are ready to let rip at them!

Mike2k

groovyg wrote: »

What kind of place are you living in? Is it a tiny two bed apartment? Tbh once he moved in the rent and bills should have been split three ways until he found a place of his own. I assume now they want to just live together themselves.

Have you had a chat with the two of them to find out what they want or are going to do?

As you said yourself you have let the situation go on to far along which has allowed you to build up a load of anger that possibly will result in you losing the rag with them thus the loss of two friendships. But if you haven't told them how you have felt they might be thinking you are totally grand with him living there when in fact you are ready to let rip at them!

It is a two bed apartment but living space is generous enough and there is a separate bathroom as well as the two en-suites. From what I gather from you he has already got away lightly by me not insisting on a straight split three ways on rent.

The real issue here is the manipulation by the guy. I know well what he is like and he knows how to bring out the soft side of me. e.g. I moved into flat originally years ago when another guy moved out because he said to me that she was "too shy to live with strangers". Of course she would be fuming if she knew this but he was effectively telling me she was soft in the f***ing head.

He also said when we discussed the current arrangement that she didn't want the fuss of moving (again, like she's a bit soft or something).

As opposed to everything I've heard in the thread so far, I think where I really went wrong was by giving the guy who is sub-letting do the negotiating when he has no rights at all . By rights all three of us should have been in the one room.

groovyg

Have you had a chat with her at all? If its just the two of your names on the lease then her boyfriend has no real rights at all and you should be discussing this with her as opposed to him. If you do decide to move out I would think if they are together a long time they will probably want to live by themselves and not bother getting another tenant.
I doubt if the landlord really cares as long as he is getting he' rent, of course if he found out there was three of yous living there he might just increase the rent.
Its a tough one op.. looking for a nice place in a good location is hard to find especially where rents are increasing.

No Pants

Mike2k wrote: »

I should point out, this evening before I left the house, I have strong suspicion they were recording my conversation with my gf to eavesdrop on some potentially significant remarks from myself - I'm almost certain of it.

What?

Mike2k

No Pants wrote: »

What?

Yes!

Mike2k

Basically I was in foul mood all evening in their company because the place was a tip, stinking of rank food, laundry everywhere and clearly I was directing it at them. I can elaborate if you wish No pants....

littlelulu

Living with a couple doesn't work. Its a nightmare. They eventually rule the roost!

I'd move out anyway. Chances are they will have to jump ship too unless they pay all the rent which I doubt they will.

Its not worth causing a row over. Life is too short to be bitter and resentful.

Mike2k

littlelulu wrote: »

Living with a couple doesn't work. Its a nightmare. They eventually rule the roost!

I'd move out anyway. Chances are they will have to jump ship too unless they pay all the rent which I doubt they will.

Its not worth causing a row over. Life is too short to be bitter and resentful.

I agree with your sentiments, the problem is a bit of "The Field" has come out in me - "this is MY flat!!!!"

ABajaninCork

Why are the poll results hidden?

This isn't going to end well - the only option you've got OP, is to move out.

El_Dangeroso

Mike you are going to have to bite the bullet.

Just sit down and write out what you are going to say first. It will make it a lot easier and you'll be less flustered when it comes to spitting it out. Get a (non-involved) friend to help you.

Be friendly and imagine a good outcome but be prepared to stand your ground and be prepared for the worst (her or you moving out). Good luck!

Mike2k

ABajaninCork wrote: »

Why are the poll results hidden?

This isn't going to end well - the only option you've got OP, is to move out.

Apologies, never put up a poll before so I the results will be available tomorrow evening, it seems I can't change settings now.

I also don't want poll results to influence perspectives

groovyg

Mike2k wrote: »

I agree with your sentiments, the problem is a bit of "The Field" has come out in me - "this is MY flat!!!!"

Its not your flat though, you just rent it and the landlord could easily turn up tmw and tell you he wants to sell it and you have x amount of time left there.
You should probably get on to the landlord and let them know the situation. When is the lease up?

Mike2k

There is an open arrangement with the landlord whereby he has us registered with the PRTB but neither of us signed a lease. I negotiated €50 off the rent for each room approx 18 months ago for example and there was no need for signing of a lease for the new arranged rent.

The temptation to contact the landlord to get him to turf us all out is growing, but he is an honest and good mannered man and at the moment I feel bad enough about allowing the arrangement to continue, never mind letting him know. I would still prefer to sort this independent of him...

groovyg

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Mike you are going to have to bite the bullet.

Just sit down and write out what you are going to say first. It will make it a lot easier and you'll be less flustered when it comes to spitting it out. Get a (non-involved) friend to help you.

Be friendly and imagine a good outcome but be prepared to stand your ground and be prepared for the worst (her or you moving out). Good luck!

Good advice, call a meeting between all three of you as soon as possible

robvondoom

No one likes confrontation, it's not exactly a leisurely activity. But whether you like it or not, you would appear to be doing yourself the majority of the harm. Instead of being upfront you've seemingly reacted to everything with a silent, yet angry acceptance. That anger will have almost certainly manifested itself in the group long before you consciously began "directing it at them". If you're telling them everything is fine while still smouldering about this and that then your flat mates don't see you as being angry at them, just as being angry.

By giving in to this supposed "fear" of confrontation you yourself, through months of seething, have formed the necessity for a confrontation out of thin air. In reality, all that was and is required is a calm, rational conversation between three adults. If you talk to them calmly and with respect, explaining to them how you're feeling then the vast majority of people would likely be apologetic in a situation such as this.

LynnGrace

El_Dangeroso wrote: »

Mike you are going to have to bite the bullet.

Just sit down and write out what you are going to say first. It will make it a lot easier and you'll be less flustered when it comes to spitting it out. Get a (non-involved) friend to help you.

Be friendly and imagine a good outcome but be prepared to stand your ground and be prepared for the worst (her or you moving out). Good luck!

I agree with this. Things aren't working out, by the sound of it, so it's time for some honest discussion.

Axwell

You have a few options but you need to consider the result of those actions and see which you prefer.

Do not have a 3 way conversation on this, you will get into an argument and have it as 2 against 1 all the time. This is between you and your housemate. If you are going to talk to anyone then it should be with your housemate. The boyfriend is not a tenant there so he has no say in the matter to be honest.

So you need to discuss the matter with her and say that since her boyfriend is living there he will have to start contributing equally to the rent and bills, a three way split on all of those as he is in full use of the place at this stage.

You have to consider though if that's what you want and you are happy with. If they agree to that and two months down the line the place is a mess and they never tidy up after themselves are you going to be wishing you just moved out in the first place? Once he is paying his share then any arguments will always be 2-1 and you will have little say in anything.

If thats not what you want or they arent agreeing to it then you have 2 options, either you move or they do. How you go about that is up to you - I wouldnt go running to the landlord first off as it will ruin your friendship and also it might backfire and he might ask you all to leave. So I would say to her that the arrangement isnt working out, that her bf is taking advantage of your kindness at the beginning. If you go with this option before the above one you can say that you didnt sign up to living with a couple and that is not the arrangement with the landlord either and that if they want to live together they should look for somewhere else. Again this is a conversation for you and her, he is not a tenant paying full rent and bills so his opinion isnt really important it comes down to who lives there and thats you and her.

Alternatively you move, but depending on how long you are living there rent may have gone up in general and you might not find somewhere in the same location if it suits work etc so if you go down that route do some research first into whats available.

Mike2k

Thanks to everyone for your advice, I have written out what I am going to say and I will post back what the response and outcome is!

No Pants

Mike2k wrote: »

I can elaborate if you wish No pants....

No need, I get the general point now, thanks.

Mike2k

Haven't touched this in a while. The plot thickens as I have solid evidence that the guy flatmate is cheating on his long term girlfriend (the other flatmate). I still haven't discussed the apartment at the moment as I am weighing up my options. The guy is in serious bother now, it is so obvious that he is making a fool out of her doing the dirt on her.

ABajaninCork

Mike2k wrote: »

Haven't touched this in a while. The plot thickens as I have solid evidence that the guy flatmate is cheating on his long term girlfriend (the other flatmate). I still haven't discussed the apartment at the moment as I am weighing up my options. The guy is in serious bother now, it is so obvious that he is making a fool out of her doing the dirt on her.

The fact he's cheating is irrelevant, and none of your business. Girlfriend is going to find out sooner or later!!

It's of far more importance to you that he pays fair shares and stops poncing from you. Why haven't you had that conversation with Girlfriend yet? Are you waiting for the bomb to drop?? Either they go or you do - Simple!!

Mike2k

ABajaninCork wrote: »

The fact he's cheating is irrelevant, and none of your business. Girlfriend is going to find out sooner or later!!

It's of far more importance to you that he pays fair shares and stops poncing from you. Why haven't you had that conversation with Girlfriend yet? Are you waiting for the bomb to drop?? Either they go or you do - Simple!!

Well to be honest she won't find out, probably wouldn't believe me if I told her either. They were both gone away for a while which is why I haven't spoken to them yet

nick1984

this seems like a very twisted and bent up arrange of affairs

as an outsider I can only offer my point of view and from reading all this thread

you may sit down and tell them that this arrangement isn't working and the flat is getting cramped and that people need there space a 2 bed apartment isn't built for three people, plus if you had a partner staying over it would be even more in the apartment
As for the rent side of things as you have taken money from the person they will see this as an entitlement to live there.. know ok that's fine all and good with for the few months that was proposed that the person would be staying there for. Not to continue for months on end this seems sorry to curse but a bit of a pi$$ take to continue living there and making no attempt to find a place for them self

now your biggest problem is are they intending on staying here you may sit down with both of them and be firm and upfront that this extra lodger was only meant to be temporary until they found there own place be prepared for a confrontation this will be inevitable but be cool and reason with them and you should be ok if they become narky and wont listen to reason just set the record straight and tell them your leaving and the landlord will be notified.

if they flatmate has been a friend for so long they wouldn't have let this go on for so long im sure there want there own space so its kind of unfair to be doing this really.
As for the fact he's cheating is his own business never get involved with anything like this as 99 times out of 10 you will be made out to be the bad guy so let nature run its course and im sure that will surface soon enough

sorry I cant really give much better help but if I was standing in your own boots I'd be ready to move out as your only getting yourself annoyed by staying there

the_syco

Mike2k wrote: »

The plot thickens as I have solid evidence that the guy flatmate is cheating on his long term girlfriend (the other flatmate).

And now to decide who is your mate... your mate, or your mates girlfriend.

LynnGrace

In your situation, I wouldn't get at all caught up in their issues.
Bottom line, you want the living situation sorted, you have to look out for yourself, so put other considerations aside, and decide what you are going to do, to sort the set-up.

Mike2k

Thanks for the advice to steer out of their issues. Really, I know it would never end well as I have enough to contend with without making myself look like a villain. Also they could both decide to call my bluff on my claims, I know the guy has more than enough neck to do that much. The guy has been a "friend" for upwards of 10 years but he doesn't make friends with others easily as he tends to be hostile towards people in day to day life. Considering the dynamic of our interactions, it's probably wrong to call what we have as a friendship. It's an exercise in taking, then asking for advice, and offering his when it's not offered. And getting me to move in with his GF to gift him a favourable position in future if he needs a place to move into.