'Freshly' Devastated after 8 years????

zuhuraswa

I lost my mum 8 years ago. And while it was the most heart-breaking moment of my life, time helped to heal the pain a little. After two years, things were a little bit back to normal (never normal, but I coped on).
While I always had dreams with my mum in them, last night, the dream was so vivd than most. I woke up this morning and it felt like somebody ripped my heart of my chest when I remembered she is dead. I feel as sad and heartbroken as I had felt during the first month that she passed on for goodness sake. I feel so sad. I also lost my dad at a young age. I am a foreigner living in Ireland (currently single) so I cannot even share my pain with anyone in person. I just feel like picking up the phone to talk to the one person who was always there for me- my mum. I miss her so so much today!
Has anyone experienced something like this before after so much time has passed on? It is also not a special occasion like a birthday or anything, just out of the blue, but after 8 years?:(

CaraMay

I haven't but I'm sorry for your loss and that you are feeling so sad. Grief comes in waves and I think the waves just keep on coming even years later. I don't have any wisdom for you but am sending you a hug. Mind yourself.

Diane Selwyn

You often hear that 'time heals all' but I think CaraMay is right on the money - grief can be unpredictable and is not bound by the usual rules. I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. This might sound really odd but sometimes I actually miss that feeling of very raw grief from before the new reality became 'normal'. Its good to acknowledge your feelings. Just as a suggestion you might try writing a message to your mum that you can either keep or burn over a candle that you light for her memory.

zuhuraswa

Thank you all. I feel a whole lot better today. I guess I just didn't expect to be hit that hard again after all that time had passed. Thanks again.

CaraMay

zuhuraswa wrote: »

Thank you all. I feel a whole lot better today. I guess I just didn't expect to be hit that hard again after all that time had passed. Thanks again.

It just shows how much you loved her.

LegacyUser

My own mother died two years ago and today I sat in my car and cried my eyes out thinking of her. I don't mind being upset but sometimes the grief comes in the form of a panic attack where I pray that life without her is not real and that I'll wake up and it's all just a bad dream. Your tears will fall down your cheeks again OP, you loved your Mam and it's ok to cry for her, just be careful her loss doesn't become the significant part of your identity. Your Mam lived her life and you must live your own, perhaps you will get to meet again but until then remember her fondly.

beks101

My own mother's mother passed away 40 years ago and she still gets upset as if it was yesterday. They were very close and she passed at an early age for all the family, the youngest (my aunt) being only 11.

I remember vividly meeting my mother for lunch on her own mother's 35th anniversary, she started reminiscing about my grandmother and wept as though she had just heard the news. Because she lost the most important woman in her life, so suddenly and at such a young age, and there's just no accounting for that loss. It wasn't fair that she didn't have her wonderful mother there on her wedding day, or when she gave birth to the three of us, or as help around the house with the kids, or during all her difficult times over the years when we instinctively reach out for our mothers.

And it's not fair on you either OP. I'm so sorry for your loss - for your double-loss - and I hope you're feeling a bit better since you last posted. I don't think it ever gets easier. She was your dear mother and she should be here, she should be on the end of a phone line when you need her.

But she's not, and I think no matter how 'normalized' her absence may become over time, there'll always be moments when that harsh reality of loss and of lacking the person you loved the most will hit like a freight train.

Thinking of you pet xx

RayM

zuhuraswa wrote: »

While I always had dreams with my mum in them, last night, the dream was so vivd than most. I woke up this morning and it felt like somebody ripped my heart of my chest when I remembered she is dead. I feel as sad and heartbroken as I had felt during the first month that she passed on for goodness sake.

My mum died two years ago, and I still dream about her regularly. In a way, I find it comforting and reassuring, briefly feeling as though she's still here - knowing that my subconscious mind can 'recreate' her. And then I wake up, and the world is a horrible, lonely place again. The more vivid the dream, the stronger that sense of loss feels.

Galwayguy35

zuhuraswa wrote: »

I lost my mum 8 years ago. And while it was the most heart-breaking moment of my life, time helped to heal the pain a little. After two years, things were a little bit back to normal (never normal, but I coped on).
While I always had dreams with my mum in them, last night, the dream was so vivd than most. I woke up this morning and it felt like somebody ripped my heart of my chest when I remembered she is dead. I feel as sad and heartbroken as I had felt during the first month that she passed on for goodness sake. I feel so sad. I also lost my dad at a young age. I am a foreigner living in Ireland (currently single) so I cannot even share my pain with anyone in person. I just feel like picking up the phone to talk to the one person who was always there for me- my mum. I miss her so so much today!
Has anyone experienced something like this before after so much time has passed on? It is also not a special occasion like a birthday or anything, just out of the blue, but after 8 years?:(

My mother passed on 7 years ago, it was totally unexpected and I still get hit with moments of grief from time to time.
The fact that she is gone foreveris hard to take if I think too much on it.

There is no time limit on grief and the feeling of loss.

Frankie5Angels

Not 8 years for me, but I understand what you're saying. I'd liken it to someone 'slugging' me in the gut. Could be floating along just fine, then it hits. Wind completely out of the sails, just drifting on autopilot and revert to the feeling of helplessness and wonder if there's any point in bothering with a lot of things. As Galwayguy says above, there's no time limit and no one way to grieve - everyone is different.

missjm

I lost both my parents 2 years ago and still cry regularly. The dreams happen also, like you describe. I dream of them individually and never together for some strange reason. The more vivid the dream, the more upset I am the next morning because for that tiny moment I forget they are dead and think what happened 2 years ago was a dream. Also, like you I have nobody to sit down and talk to about it. I can well imagine that this doesn't go away. It shows how much you felt for your Mum that you still keep her very much in your thoughts and that is a good thing.
I began to write down my dreams - I don't know if it really helps but I was afraid I would stop dreaming. I cried writing them down but it was also a release. Lots of hugs.

December2012

zuhuraswa wrote: »

Thank you all. I feel a whole lot better today. I guess I just didn't expect to be hit that hard again after all that time had passed. Thanks again.

Ah my poor friend - it happens to me too.

My brother died decades ago. And sometimes I get a sucker punch to my heart when I hear a song, or get a feeling.

There is a thread here called "Things you'ld like to say to them". Maybe you could "talk" to your Mam on that?

you're not alone.

jos28

You are not alone and what you experienced is not unusual. You lost a hugely significant person in your life and time doesn't respect that. My gorgeous Dad passed away 10 years ago, even typing that seems weird, I can't believe I have lived 10 years without him. I had a rough time immediately after his death and eventually went for counselling which helped. The years have passed and I miss him everyday. That awful raw pain has gone but I still wish he was here.The practical side of me has dealt with it but the heart is a different matter.
Last month totally out of the blue I got an incredible urge to sit down with him, share a pot of tea and catch up on everything he has missed since he left. It hit me out of the blue and was overwhelming. I have no idea where this feeling came from or what triggered it, no more than you know why your dreams were so vivid. I hope you can put the episode into context and recognise all the goods things in your present life. Remember that your always have friends here to talk to.