What to do now?

LegacyUser

I live in an estate, would be classed as a good area, in a midland town.
I own my house, and live with my children. I have lived here the last ten years plus.
Since the crisis, a good number of houses have been rented out through the rent allowance scheme. A new family moved in a few doors down and their eldest boy has been making life really difficult for my kids...the usual, taunting and roughness all boys do, but it's so constant that it's everyday now. I came in this evening and my son who is 11 was crying and soaked from a super soaker. Usually I tell him to cop on and toughen up, but both he and his younger brother won't even go out on the green now to play.
I bought this house with the view of staying here indefinitely.
But now I would give my right arm to be out of here. Prices have crashed to such and extent that I wouldn't get my money back on it(even though I bought 10+ years ago) .
I am so sick of going out to work, slaving away as much as I can , to provide a good environment for my kids, for their happiness to be ruined by others who don't and who I am , in effect , paying for.
I know I will get slated here, but I am at my wits end ....
Any suggestions?

Tokyo

At risk of pointing out the obvious, have you spoken to the other child's parents and explained the situation? Not everybody on rent allowance is a degenerate who lets their kids run wild - they may very well reprimand their child for acting the idiot. OF course there are other avenues you can explore afterwards, but speak to the parents first.

To be honest though the tone of your post goes a bit beyond just being concerned about your kid - you seem to have a grudge against the family as you feel that you are paying for them, while you have worked hard to buy your home. I understand why to an extent, but rent allowance isn't that cut and dry, and the family may have a good reason for needing to be on it. I only way that because if you approach them with that mentality from the get-go, I can't see the discussion ending well.

December2012

Why would you tell your child to "cop on"? He gets hassle from kids around and when he tells you he gets hassle as well.

hairyprincess

Would you be less annoyed if the bullying childs family owned their home?

Rubberchikken

The other kid is being a nuisance and irrespective of the type of house he comes out of you need to defend your son.
He's entitled to play outside without interference and if he cant deal with it he needs you to speak up for him.

LegacyUser

@ mike.ie: yes I did have a word with the parents and I was told to "f_u_c_k off " My approach was simple, just X plays on the green with my kids and - gave the examples of what he was doing- and would you please have a word with him about it. Nothing more.
I fully appreciate that r.a. isn't that cut and dry, nor did I mention anything about kids of people on r.a. being degenerates.
I guess, as you pointed out, perhaps I do have a partial grudge(in this particular situation). I wish I didn't. I can't help it.

@december2012 : I told him to cop on and toughen up, because in life that's reality. He has to stand on his own two feet in life, I can't hold his hand all the time. I wouldn't consider that as giving him hassle. I do stand up for him, but , in the rough and tumble of being out on the green, kids will say hurtful things to each other, that's life.

@hairyprincess: I'd be equally annoyed.

Foolscap

OP I don't think you're going to do yourself any favours commenting on rent allowance or how you think that impacts people's behaviour, it's snobbery of the worst kind. And by the way, YOU aren't paying for it. The collective taxation on all wages, on all parts of public life (roads), of all commodities pays for it. In essence, people on rent allowance pay for you also. The tax on their heating bill, pays your hospital bills, the tax on their food, pays for your roads. Don't think you have some kind of high ground here.

The simple truth is that your child feels bullied and intimidated by another. Why on earth would you tell him to 'cop on'. It's your job as a parent to sort this out. Why not go and speak to this boys mother to find out what is going on? Maybe the child means no harm and is just rougher playing, maybe he is indeed a bully, but your son and how he feels is priority.

JillyQ

Have you spoken to the other childs parents? Some people who are on rent allowance are onit through no fault of there own. The childs parents maybe reasonable about it, they also may not be aware that there child is acting the way he is. If it was me I would try and talk to them about it and see how you get on.

December2012

Just because life is tough doesn't mean you have to make your child feel bad about himself because something has happened to him. That's a shortcut to making him feel even more like a victim and weaken his confidence and therefore a bigger target for bullies.

Obviously, the method you have taken (making him feel bad for stuff that other people do to him) doesn't work because it's still happening.

Get your son into something like a martial art that will build up his confidence.

Colser

Its a tough one OP and very frustrating when it happens to your child.My advice will sound like its playing the victim but when youre dealing with kids like that your hands are tied in some ways.
Could your kids play their own garden until you get home in the evenings.Let them out in the green when you get home but make sure that your presence is visible .The other child will move on eventually to a new victim(not that you would wish this on anyone else) but unfortunately we can only look after our own.
It can be one of the disadvantages of living in an estate but it will pass ,I do understand that while its happeneing you just want out of the place but you have to let it run its course until the bullys attention is drawn elsewhere. Dont expect your child to tough it out on the green in the meantime as he wont be able to deal with that kind of behaviour by himself.

MagicMarker

Considering how you feel about your kids happiness you should probably know that the hurt he feels from this kids bullying probably doesn't come close to the hurt he feels when his mum basically just tells him to grow a pair. Just fyi.

Diane Selwyn

if you have no luck speaking to the parents you might consider talking to the other child's teachers/school. I saw something on TV the other day about an anti bullying programme that was being run in schools with some success. It was on the morning show on TV3 you might be able to find it on their site (sorry can't remember what day it was on exactly).

myshirt

How can you expect your kid to resolve these issues and cope with life etc, if you yourself are demonstrating zero success?

The parents told you to f.uck off? And that was it? Did you then go home and hide behind the couch?

Put it this way, that wouldn't happen my children. And no parent would tell me to f.uck off after approaching them on a perfectly reasonable matter. I think you need to grow a pair before you can expect your kid to. You are the parent.

Often there is a pattern. People who are bullied tend to have kids that are bullied. Don't let it continue.

Stand up for your children, get back down there and tell them in unequivocal terms that this behaviour from their child is not to continue. And do it quick.

LegacyUser

@magicmarker : hadn't realised how harsh I appear, but thanks for the comment. It's difficult being mum and dad....

@december2012 : gosh, yea I see your point. Thanks for making me see how cra-p my parenting skills actually are...

professore

I know what I'd say to them if they told me to duck off.

R.D. aka MR.D

OP again wrote: »

@magicmarker : hadn't realised how harsh I appear, but thanks for the comment. It's difficult being mum and dad....

@december2012 : gosh, yea I see your point. Thanks for making me see how cra-p my parenting skills actually are...

Hey OP,

I don't have any advice on your neighbour problem but I just want to say; don't let people make you think you are being a bad parent by trying to teach your kids to fight their own fights. It's how my brother and I were brought up and it's really helped us as adults in work situations etc.
It's a different style of parenting that maybe isn't in fashion now but i don't think that makes it any less valid.

Best of luck.

December2012

Hey it's really tough being a parent in that situation. I think that the lesson that life can be tough (which bit can be) and that people have to learn how to stand up for themselves (which they must) is not fixed by the parent themselves also using tough words and phrases that don't work on anybody.

If somebody was doing something similar to you in work you wouldn't get much guidance or inspiration in how to resolve the problem if you were told that it's the way of the world and you need to figure out how to deal with it on your own.

Some self defence clubs run summer camps / kids lessons specifically to help children avoid being bullied or singled out by giving the kids skills and confidence themselves. Hard Target in Dublin is one such club. But look around locally - I say martial arts because one thing it does is stop kids from getting afraid of being hit. And that helps their confidence.

And it's also another place to make friends, which in turn builds confidence.

The main thing is your boy has to know he can come to you with any embarrassing problem and you will help him and understand his fears. 11 is still very young to have figured it out.

stickybookmark

Could you rent out your house and rent elsewhere in a nicer estate?

ahnow

If talking to the parents doesn't work, if you can catch the kid in the act and threaten the police on him that usually works. Just put the fear of bejaysus into him. My parents dealt with a few childhood bullies like that, usually works wonders!