Boyfriend's sister

Foolscap

I know as problems go this isn't the worst but it's really starting to affect me.

My boyfriend's sister (and mother sometimes) are really pass-remarkable. Whether its what a TV presenter is wearing on TV to what someone decorated their house, a comment is passed. This sister has had 3 friends get married this year, these people are her best friends and she has commented on a) one was too fat to wear the dress she picked b) one's engagement ring was rotten and c) the bridesmaids dresses were awful. I can't imagine in a million years talking about my closet friends like that.

Yesterday I had to sit through a dinner in which she and her mother picked apart the latest friends wedding, in particular the "disgusting" outfit the mother of the bride wore. They asked my opinion and I just said "she obviously felt comfortable in it so thats why she picked it" and then they got all defensive about "not being bitches, just saying...I wouldn't pick it".

This girl is getting married this year and I'm dreading it. I seriously don't want to go. Their attitude has also put me off getting married myself, knowing I'll be talked about.

How can I just ignore this type of stuff and let it go over my head? It genuinely upsets me!

Alf. A. Male

Why do you care what they think? I'm surrounded by eejits like this in my office, but I'd be worse to bother listening. Let them talk, get on with your day.

Foolscap

Well that's what I'm trying to do. I don't want them eejits to bother me but I can't figure out how exactly to do it!

Merkin

They sound like they should belong in a coven! :eek: What awful wenches, and I usually find the most critical and caustic are less than perfect themselves.

I would just resolutely not engage in these type of conversations and if they ask for your opinion I'd simply say that everyone is entitled to wear what they want/do what they want etc as long as it's not hurting other people or having an adverse effect on them. Next time they ask you, just reply that if you were absolutely perfect yourself then you'd feel in a position to comment but because you're not, you won't.

LegacyUser

Honestly OP, you just have to ignore this sh*t.

You should hear the stuff my OH mam says to me. Got the hair done recently me, few highlights nothing major and she says "oh your hair's nice. But I wouldnt get anymore highlights in because it doesnt suit you" That is not a compliment I dont care what anyone says, it was a blatant insult and no need for it.

I get constantly bitched at cos apparently I'm a "failure" due to the fact that I'm not obsessed with having a career. I have a job the last 5 years, yeah it might not be great but it pays my bills and I'm happy enough, but no no! Not good enough for her! Always dropping sly comments to me about it but I let them go over my head now.

I called her out on the behaviour one day when she made a show of me at a fancy restaurant with the whole family there and in fairness I didnt even insult her, I just called her out directly and she wouldnt speak to me for a week after her insults were less frequent after that. Still get the odd one now and then where she thinks she offering "advice" or constructive criticism. But honestly OP not being bad but you need to thicken up that skin of yours because you'll only drive yourself mental.

It can be infuriating listening to people like that but go to a happy place in your head and block them out if you can or shrug it off! Once you start practicing the shrugging off I promise you it gets easier. It did for me

Foolscap

Thanks Merkin. They seem to buy into these awful gender stereotypes, almost like they think being 'bitchy' is natural. It's like being at school with Mean Girls.

I think your strategy is right. Just don't engage with it at all. Thanks!

Stavro Mueller

The thing with these sorts of people is that nothing you do will ever be right for them. So why bother? I'm sure they're talking about you behind your back anyway.

LegacyUser

Eleanor Roosevelt was a wise woman. One of her most famous quotes was
"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people"!

OP, don't worry about small minded petty individuals such as those two. Chances are anyone who knows them is sick of their carry-on also.

ElleEm

Foolscap wrote: »

They asked my opinion and I just said "she obviously felt comfortable in it so thats why she picked it" and then they got all defensive about "not being bitches, just saying...I wouldn't pick it".

It sounds like you made them reflect a bit on their behaviour, and that us why they responded in a defensive way. Just keep yourself to yourself, and if you are asked to contribute, say something similar to the above. Every time you respond in a way that makes them feel like b!tches, they will probably be less likely to invite your opinion again.

Big Bag of Chips

Foolscap wrote: »

Their attitude has also put me off getting married myself, knowing I'll be talked about.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news Foolscap, but you can be almost certain they already talk about you. You say they comment on everything/everyone. So why do you feel that comments about you would be only confined to your wedding? Your wedding would just give them something consistent and prolonged to talk about.

As someone else has mentioned, anyone that knows them probably roll their eyes when they see either of them coming.

Stavro Mueller

Foolscap wrote: »

This girl is getting married this year and I'm dreading it. I seriously don't want to go. Their attitude has also put me off getting married myself, knowing I'll be talked about.

Not getting married isn't going to achieve anything. To be brutally frank you're going to have to learn how to toughen up or this pair will mar your life. If it's not a wedding they're bitching about, it'll be your house, your furniture, your cooking, the clothes you put on your kids...

ABajaninCork

Another way to deflect criticism is to say it out straight - 'I'm not interested'. Or 'Why do you say that?' Works like a charm with my SiL! :pac:

I hate bitchiness and gossip, so once I make my position clear, people tend to back off. Must be the Londoner in me - we really DON'T give a ****!

December2012

To be honest OP I think you handled it perfectly!

Gossips need other gossips to thrive - you've let them know you're not into that in a polite way and they noticed that.

Separately - they're not your boyfriend. Never let the in laws dictate your relationships natural course.

beauty101

I used to be best friends with a girl who sounds exactly like your BF's sister and mum and it really used to get on my nerves, so much so that I had to distance myself from her.

They probably don't mean anything by the bitchiness, but it obviously runs in the family. Just ignore it and rely on the fact that you're not going out with either of them!

Foolscap

Thanks everyone for all the replies, I really appreciate it. Glad to know I'm not the only person who finds this kind of behaviour really unsettling. A few people mentioned toughening up, I totally agree. Thanks again everyone!