Can't cope with my mother.

Penny Tration

Not bothering to go unreg for this!

My mam is disabled. She can do some stuff, she iisn't bed bound.

Anyway. My younger sister (22) and I live with her and a 16 year old sister.

Just to clarify before I continue the post - moving out is not an option, as with the amount of money I give her in housekeeping, im lucky to save 30pw.

My sister and I work full time. Our routine is - get up very early, clean, give her her meds, cook lunch for the 16 year old to take to school (she won't eat a sandwich and is not allowed cook herself), get dressed and go to work. Most of the time, we don't have time for breakfast.

We get home from work in the evening, and make the mother ddinner, clean up after, more general house work, have dinner ourselves and pretty much fall asleep. We don't get to relax in the evenings.

We each take a day or two per week, where the other does extra work so one can go out.

Anyway. The problem is, we never do enough.

We're constantly exhausted, the house is never clean. The 16 year old will not cook or clean and is never asked to.

My mam, no matter what we do, demands more and more. We're exhausted from it and both getting extremely down mentally over it.

Regularly, my mam spends ages shouting at us that we don't care about her, don't respect her, don't do anything around the house, and are lazy scumbags.

When she's not saying these things, she's CONSTANTLY bad-mouthing our dad (they separated early this year). She encourages us to see him, but spends most of her time telling us horrible things about him, calling him every name under the sun.

If I disagree with anything she says, I'm kicked out. I do not have anywhere else to stay if I'm kicked out. I give her a large % of my wages and genuinely cannot afford to save for a deposit to move out.

I don't know what advice anyone can give, but I'm at the end of my tether. My sister and I work like dogs, but we cannot keep the house spotless and keep my mam happy. No matter what we do, it's never enough.

If anyone has any advice, I'd hugely appreciate it.

Apologies for the length and rambling nature. I haven't had much sleep, and I'm quite upset.

edit to add: I looked into getting her a carer or some help, and she refuses to allow a stranger into her house. She barely lets her siblings in!

ElleEm

You poor thing.

Are there any supports in place regarding your mam's disability? Does she have a support worker or can she get any home help? It certainly sounds like you all need to have a serious conversation about roles, expectations and abilities. If this isn't feasible with your mother, then you and your sister need to have a chat with the youngest, in a serious peer- to- peer way, getting her to acknowledge that she needs to help out.
You sound exhausted, and you will burn yourself out if you keep this pace up.

tomwaterford

is it possible for you to stay with your father for a while??...that's awful to be putting up with

Penny Tration

ElleEm wrote: »

You poor thing.

Are there any supports in place regarding your mam's disability? Does she have a support worker or can she get any home help? It certainly sounds like you all need to have a serious conversation about roles, expectations and abilities. If this isn't feasible with your mother, then you and your sister need to have a chat with the youngest, in a serious peer- to- peer way, getting her to acknowledge that she needs to help out.
You sound exhausted, and you will burn yourself out if you keep this pace up.

Thanks for that, I appreciate the response a lot.

She has no support worker, and has never been offered one. I've looked into getting home help, but she refuses it.

Myself and my 22 year old sister have spoken to the 16 year old. Unfortunately, she was spoiled and never disciplined much, so it falls on deaf ears. That said, once in a while she will spend an entire day scrubbing the house, which is very ggood of her.

We've even tried talking to our dad because they're supposedly on amicable terms, but he just says it's nothing to do with him.

Tbh, it just feels like neither him nor my mam give a damn about us. All they do is shout, bitch about each other, and refuse to listen to us.

Penny Tration

tomwaterford wrote: »

is it possible for you to stay with your father for a while??...that's awful to be putting up with

Unfortunately not. I've asked that, but he doesn't care enough to allow us to stay for more than one night here and there. I don't think I could leave the 22 year old to cope alone, even if he took me in.

username123

Green screen, you have posted before about this difficult situation, my heart goes out to you.

The only way to improve this situation is to do something that your mother will fight against, bring in outside help.

Contact the HSE, public health nurse, local GP, local CRC, citizens info etc and find out what supports are available, and take them. The reason these suports exist is because otherwise people find themselves in the situation yourself and your siblings are in, unable to cope.

What's more, someone should be entitled to carers allowance, I know one family who availed of this by moving a lady in who cared for the parent and did light housework, she got free rent and food and the family topped up the carers allowance monthly.

Your mother will resist outside help. This is unfortunate but you have to be cruel to be kind. This is not just about her, this is about you and your sister unable to cope. Everyone is affected, not just your mother so the decision is not hers alone.

Also, stop giving so much in housekeeping and find a way to move out. You have a responsibility to yourself to live your own life too.

I have been where you are with added alcoholic father in the mix and I became so I'll mentally and physically I was no use to anyone. Don't let that happen you and your sister.

Merkin

Oh hon, I remember you posting about this before elsewhere and I'm sorry to see things haven't improved. You are juggling a lot of balls right now and if you don't seek the help that you so need, something is going to have to give. When your mother is relying on you girls for her care (and she sounds extremely demanding and high maintenance if you don't mind me saying) she can't then dictate terms as to who gives you a hand from time to time. To what extent did you explore the option of supplemental help? Will her disability allowance cover this? I also think you need to have words with the sixteen year old, it seems like she is not helping out at all and she definitely needs to shoulder some of the burden, even if it just means cooking and cleaning up after herself. Your situation at present is not sustainable xx

GalwayGuy2

Apologies for the length and rambling nature. I haven't had much sleep, and I'm quite upset.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. What your going through sounds quite serious and very, very nerve wracking for you.

I can only think of two vague options.

1) Try and improve the home situation.

2) Move out and sink or swim.

There are massive pros and cons involved with both, but all options do boil down to that.

But, you really, really shouldn't be ashamed for posting this. It's a serious matter, and, I don't want to throw any words around, but it's good that you posted this.

EDIT:

I actually didn't want to mention this, but maybe i should.

What sort of disability does your mother have? I don't want to jump to conclusions, but there are certain elements that are similar to emotional abuse in the way that your mother is treating you.

I know people throw the word emotional abuse around a lot, but there are worrying signs of a relationship like that developing.

tomwaterford

green_screen wrote: »

Unfortunately not. I've asked that, but he doesn't care enough to allow us to stay for more than one night here and there. I don't think I could leave the 22 year old to cope alone, even if he took me in.

this is a pity....it sounds like she is an unhappy person who is taking it out on ye:(...I don't know what to say only that I hope it gets better...and there should someone who know better than me advise you

MagicMarker

Forget about the morning chores, spend that extra hour in bed. Cleaning can wait until you get home, make your sister's lunch the previous evening with dinner. But tbh I'd be ignoring her distaste of sandwiches, she'll eat it when she's hungry enough!

Penny Tration

username123 wrote: »

Green screen, you have posted before about this difficult situation, my heart goes out to you.

The only way to improve this situation is to do something that your mother will fight against, bring in outside help.

Contact the HSE, public health nurse, local GP, local CRC, citizens info etc and find out what supports are available, and take them. The reason these suports exist is because otherwise people find themselves in the situation yourself and your siblings are in, unable to cope.

What's more, someone should be entitled to carers allowance, I know one family who availed of this by moving a lady in who cared for the parent and did light housework, she got free rent and food and the family topped up the carers allowance monthly.

Your mother will resist outside help. This is unfortunate but you have to be cruel to be kind. This is not just about her, this is about you and your sister unable to cope. Everyone is affected, not just your mother so the decision is not hers alone.

Also, stop giving so much in housekeeping and find a way to move out. You have a responsibility to yourself to live your own life too.

I have been where you are with added alcoholic father in the mix and I became so I'll mentally and physically I was no use to anyone. Don't let that happen you and your sister.

Thanks for that.

With regards to housekeeping money - if we don't pay it, we get kicked out. Aside from that, it's spent on paying bills, she doesn't p!ss it away, so I can understand why she needs it tbh.

I'm making damn sure my mental health is kept under control.

With regards to getting help against her will - she's of sound mind. She is mentally fine, according to doctors. So surely she can refuse to allow people into her house?

I'll look into carer's benefit, although I assumed neither of us would get it as we both work full time.

Thanks again. It's really helpful having ideas I hadn't thought of thrown out

Gongoozler

What an unbelievable situation to be in. That sounds like hell.

I am curious though, if you and your sister are working full time and your mum is disabled, and your younger sister is in school, how does the house get so so dirty or untidy?

It sounds to me like you need to alleviate yourselves of something. As they say, somethings gotta give. If that's the housework, so be it. I don't mean completely, but ease off where you can. You need your time off.

Would it be feasible to move out if you had the money for a deposit? Is that the only thing stopping you?

And your younger sister not lifting and finger, not even making her own lunch? That is ridiculous. She's old enough to take care of this for herself. I don't mean to sound harsh but you also need to stop facilitating this. It's unacceptable that she contributes nothing to the housework.

username123

green_screen wrote: »

Thanks for that.

With regards to housekeeping money - if we don't pay it, we get kicked out. Aside from that, it's spent on paying bills, she doesn't p!ss it away, so I can understand why she needs it tbh.

I'm making damn sure my mental health is kept under control.

With regards to getting help against her will - she's of sound mind. She is mentally fine, according to doctors. So surely she can refuse to allow people into her house?

I'll look into carer's benefit, although I assumed neither of us would get it as we both work full time.

Thanks again. It's really helpful having ideas I hadn't thought of thrown out

I really really mean this, stop with the house keeping and get kicked out. Your finances are being controlled to keep you there.

Penny Tration

MagicMarker wrote: »

Forget about the morning chores, spend that extra hour in bed. Cleaning can wait until you get home, make your sister's lunch the previous evening with dinner. But tbh I'd be ignoring her distaste of sandwiches, she'll eat it when she's hungry enough!

It can't wait, though. The amount we do in the evening leads right up til bedtime, so we have to finish off in the morning.

Oh god, I've tried to get her to eat sandwiches. Unfortunately, she was raised being given what she wanted. If we disagree with her, she shouts, so we're told to do what she wants.

I'm going to try to get the cleaning done in less time, and get more sleep, but it's not working very well right now
:pac:

GalwayGuy2

@GreenScreen

Do you feel anxious a lot of the time about doing these jobs?

As in, are you afraid your mother's going to scream at you?

Penny Tration

Gongoozler wrote: »

What an unbelievable situation to be in. That sounds like hell.

I am curious though, if you and your sister are working full time and your mum is disabled, and your younger sister is in school, how does the house get so so dirty or untidy?

It sounds to me like you need to alleviate yourselves of something. As they say, somethings gotta give. If that's the housework, so be it. I don't mean completely, but ease off where you can. You need your time off.

Would it be feasible to move out if you had the money for a deposit? Is that the only thing stopping you?

And your younger sister not lifting and finger, not even making her own lunch? That is ridiculous. She's old enough to take care of this for herself. I don't mean to sound harsh but you also need to stop facilitating this. It's unacceptable that she contributes nothing to the housework.

Hey, thanks for that.

The house isn't exactly filthy, nothing like that, thankfully. It's just, things are dumped all over the tables, cups and glasses left lying around, bins filled and left for us to change, silly things like that, plus washing and drying a load of clothes, cooking, cleaning the kitchen after cooking, it takes up a fair bit of time.

With the sister, I'm trying to convince her to let me teach her to cook. If we refuse to cook her lunch, it's a screaming match with her and our mam.

Galway guy, I don't want to mention it on thread, as it's quite specific and may identify me, but it is not an emotional /mental illness, it is purely physical.

Sorry for any posts I miss, posting on my phone and wasn't expecting this volumne of replies!

Penny Tration

GalwayGuy2 wrote: »

@GreenScreen

Do you feel anxious a lot of the time about doing these jobs?

As in, are you afraid your mother's going to scream at you?

Yes.

Tokyo

Honestly, I can recommend carers, home help, etc until I'm blue in the face, but the first step here is you need to learn to say no.

From what I remember of your posts, your mum has issues to deal with sure, but she's not bedbound by any means and could take care of at least some of the household duties if she chose to. But instead she demands that you and your sister take care of everything, and you both keep bending to her will.

Couple of points:

1. Your sister is 16, not 6. She can cook a bite to eat for herself. And I imagine that she'd develop a sudden fondness for sandwiches after a few days if you weren't handing her a meal every day.
2. At your ages, both you and your sister need to be looking at moving out. Have you considered getting a place together? At the end of the day there has to be some kind of long term plan in play here - does your mother honestly expect you both to stay at home into your 40's or 50's, taking care of her for the rest of her life? Helping her now in the short term is all well and good, but if there is no sense of improvement on her part, steps need to be taken.
3. As people have already mentioned, you need to contact the HSC, Social Services etc and see what they can do for you that you can avail of. It's easy for your mother to say that she'll refuse any stranger coming into the house, I imagine that tune would change pretty quickly if you both weren't picking up the slack instead. This is exactly what such services are for, and I strongly suggest you give them a call.

LegacyUser

I'm not trying to upset you - but why in Gods name are you pandering to a 16 yo not liking sandwiches? Honestly, this would be beyond daft at the best of times, but considering everything else that you have to deal with, it is insanity!

She is almost an adult, she can make her own lunch. I'm still shocked that she lets you do that. And you are doing her no favours at all by continuing that, do you really want her to grow up to be that kind of demanding person? I hope she at least looks after her own room and clothes. She should be contributing to the house - not adding more work.

Sorry for focusing on a small aspect of your problems, but I'm just astounded at that. And you can easily solve it - starting tomorrow morning!

ElleEm

Can you have reasonable conversations with your mother ever? Could you chat with her and tell her that you and your sister aren't really managing, so either you get help, or the house stays dirty/ dinners don't get made, etc.?
It is really unfair that the burden of holding the house together is diminishing your quality of life. She needs to hear that, and take some responsibility for it. You can allow her to be in control of the level of help/ hours worked etc.but other than that, she should really be told this is happening.

GalwayGuy2

green_screen wrote: »

Yes.

It sounds like your mother is in a dark place and is taking it out on you (your sister?)

If you want my advice, you should extricate yourself from that situation as soon as possible.

If you feel guilty for leaving your mother/younger sister in that situation, then you should know that you can help more if you extricate yourself from the situation that you are currently in.

Also, I wonder could you go through a different route for social care? Your mother is sound of mind, but your younger sister is under the age of 18.

If you are worried about the situation at home, you could go through that route?

LegacyUser

It is time to get tough or you will find yourself just walked over. The 22 year old will crack and leave. I know you don't think she will be at that age and not being the eldest that is most likely what is going to happen and you will find yourself stuck, the 16 year old won't step up so you'll be doing all the work your doing now times 2.

I would stop cooking for the 16 year old. Certainly wouldn't be making her food in the morning. She'll start eating sandwiches and cooking quick enough when you stop doing it for her. I simple would not put up with it from her and if your parents aren't going to do anything then its time you did.

Follow the advance about the HSE, your mother is not going to listen to you. Accept this and get outside help to come in and deal with her. It's most likely not going to be very pleasant but the reality is there is no easy/nice way to fix this situation.

Gongoozler wrote: »

I am curious though, if you and your sister are working full time and your mum is disabled, and your younger sister is in school, how does the house get so so dirty or untidy?

Have to second this question. My mother is a massive neat freak and even she would struggle to fit so much hardcore scrubbing in to a day. You need to take a look at how the house is being run, I know it's going to be hard given how difficult your mother is but if your mother/sister is causing so much mess you need to consider removing items or re-arranging the house to make it more suitable for her disability and allowing you not to be cleaning 24/7.

Penny Tration

mike_ie wrote: »

Honestly, I can recommend carers, home help, etc until I'm blue in the face, but the first step here is you need to learn to say no.

From what I remember of your posts, your mum has issues to deal with sure, but she's not bedbound by any means and could take care of at least some of the household duties if she chose to. But instead she demands that you and your sister take care of everything, and you both keep bending to her will.

Couple of points:

1. Your sister is 16, not 6. She can cook a bite to eat for herself. And I imagine that she'd develop a sudden fondness for sandwiches after a few days if you weren't handing her a meal every day.
2. At your ages, both you and your sister need to be looking at moving out. Have you considered getting a place together? At the end of the day there has to be some kind of long term plan in play here - does your mother honestly expect you both to stay at home into your 40's or 50's, taking care of her for the rest of her life? Helping her now in the short term is all well and good, but if there is no sense of improvement on her part, steps need to be taken.
3. As people have already mentioned, you need to contact the HSC, Social Services etc and see what they can do for you that you can avail of. It's easy for your mother to say that she'll refuse any stranger coming into the house, I imagine that tune would change pretty quickly if you both weren't picking up the slack instead. This is exactly what such services are for, and I strongly suggest you give them a call.

Thanks.

My mam has apparently been told not to do anything at all in the house, as she's been in hospital for a few weeks. She's doing a little, but not much. She is quite unwell at the moment, though.

I am aiming to have moved back out before the year is out (i lived alone for a few years before moving back). Once that happens, I can relax a bit!


You've all been a massive help
Just being told I need to do x, y and z, despite what my mam thinks, helps a lot.
I have a day off from work tomorrow, so I'm going to go down to citizen's info, and see what options are in place and where we can go from here.

I love my mam to bits, but have to look out for myself too.

Thanks again for the posts.

Penny Tration

I'm going to stop cooking lunches for the 16 year old come tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to the argument after, but I know it's ridiculous to cook for her, jesus I cooked for myself and had myself a part time job at her age!

Tokyo

green_screen wrote: »

I'm going to stop cooking lunches for the 16 year old come tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to the argument after, but I know it's ridiculous to cook for her, jesus I cooked for myself and had myself a part time job at her age!

What argument? You're 20-something, she's 16. Fridge is there if you're hungry....

Penny Tration

mike_ie wrote: »

What argument? You're 20-something, she's 16. Fridge is there if you're hungry....

Basically what happens is - I tell her to make herself lunch. She screams at me until the mother wakes up. I'm shouted at to make the lunch, so that my sister will shut up and therefore my mam can sleep.

Feck it. I know you're all right.

username123

green_screen wrote: »

Basically what happens is - I tell her to make herself lunch. She screams at me until the mother wakes up. I'm shouted at to make the lunch, so that my sister will shut up and therefore my mam can sleep.

Feck it. I know you're all right.

Just put in earplugs or go out for a walk if that happens.

MagicMarker

green_screen wrote: »

Basically what happens is - I tell her to make herself lunch. She screams at me until the mother wakes up. I'm shouted at to make the lunch, so that my sister will shut up and therefore my mam can sleep.

Feck it. I know you're all right.

That can be the time you decide to go for a nice stroll/drive.

Penny Tration

Hadn't actually considered going for a walk when that happens. I will definitely do that!

Thanks so much, everyone.

LegacyUser

green_screen wrote: »

Basically what happens is - I tell her to make herself lunch. She screams at me until the mother wakes up. I'm shouted at to make the lunch, so that my sister will shut up and therefore my mam can sleep.

Feck it. I know you're all right.

Truly delighted for you that you've decided to do that! Honestly, I would let her go hungry, have dirty clothes & live in a pigsty of a bedroom before I'd be her skivvy again.

I'm sure it will be hard tomorrow, and maybe for a few days, but I can't say enough about how important it is for you and the 22 yo sister to be united and strong on this.

Maybe she will learn that she can't stamp her foot to get her way. I don't know what others think of this, but I'd be inclined to tell her that unless she looks after herself and also does 1/3 of the housework, you're moving out.

D Weasel

green_screen wrote: »

Thanks for that, I appreciate the response a lot.

She has no support worker, and has never been offered one. I've looked into getting home help, but she refuses it.

Myself and my 22 year old sister have spoken to the 16 year old. Unfortunately, she was spoiled and never disciplined much, so it falls on deaf ears. That said, once in a while she will spend an entire day scrubbing the house, which is very ggood of her.

We've even tried talking to our dad because they're supposedly on amicable terms, but he just says it's nothing to do with him.

Tbh, it just feels like neither him nor my mam give a damn about us. All they do is shout, bitch about each other, and refuse to listen to us.

Let the 16 year make her own lunch for a start. If she doesn't she goes hungry. She will change her lazy tune very soon

Chara1001

What an horrendous situation to be in op...

I agree with the other posters in that you really do need to start backing off in some respects. I don't know if this is a fair analysis and i could be completely wrong, but is it possible, do you think, that you and your sister have to pay such a large percentage of your wages to prevent you from moving out? As much as your mother bullies and abuses you, it sounds as though she's dependent enough to want to keep you there.

This is absolutely awful, as it is right now, you have no escape- you need to make one. You seriously need to start considering your own life. I don't know what age you are, but the way you're going, you could end up still living with your mother & taking her abuse into your 50's or 60's!!

My grandmother had 9 children, my grandfather died around 15 years ago and she looks for them to do everything for her- now there are about 18 grandchildren, most of us adults and we visit & help out a lot. That means she has from 22- 27 people available to help her out- or simply to pop in to visit, there's a constant stream of people going in and out. And believe it or not- it's not enough for her.
She is extremely manipulative, she plays people off each other, she creates stress and drama because she can, she calls some names, and tells others they're no good. Why? I don't really know but she has absolutely no idea of how good she has it compared to many others.
She fell and injured herself about 18 months ago, and needed 24 hour care for a while afterwards. She assumed she was going to go home and one of us would do the caring. Thing was that it included personal care, and my mum, aunts & uncles insisted on getting a professional carer in to carry out those duties. She refused and refused and fought as hard as she could, but they would not budge. She had no choice in it, but it was a necessary step for my family to draw a line as to how far they were willing to go. She still fights, but respects that line now. I think it was a bit of a shock to her when everyone unanimously refused her- as this never really happened before.

Op, you have your sister, you're not totally on your own at least. First thing is to stop doing everything for your 16 year old sister- you're not helping her here.

You need to start broaching the subject of outside help to your mother- NOT asking her, but telling her that your workload is too much and you are going to engage some help. When she gets that some things are out of her control, and that you guys are capable of making decisions that affect her, will she either soften or try harder to keep you under her thumb. You need to start looking at moving out- someone mentioned moving with your sister, and that's a great idea. But you've got to stay really strong- it's not wrong to think of your own life, but your mother will try to make you feel like the most useless, selfish daughter in the world.

First thing first, maybe give the HSC a call? Or find out about carers allowance? Get something in motion op, and things won't look so dark for long.

iusedtoknow

Christ, you're dealing with a lot - my heart goes out to you on this.

All lot of the advice given so far has been great....however - one of things I think you need to continue to do is work on the 16 year old, but not in a "there's the fridge" kind of way. Get her and keep on "your side" as it were.

She is still teenager, and will be going into leaving cert cycle, so will need you to support her. As a sibling, that shouldn't be your responsibility, but from the sounds of it...it is. I think you need take the bull by the horns with her and treat her to a degree like an part of the solution rather than an extension of a spoiled child and therefore part of the problem. Explain how much you and the other sibling do around the house practically AND financially - set up a roster so that at the weekends she HAS to do some tasks to keep the house in order, whether it's bathrooms, kitchen or hell...just cleaning up after dinner. She needs to start pulling her weight

Remember, that the social system is there for YOU as well, not just your mother. Respite care, home help etc is there to give carers a break as much as help your mother. As for cleaning etc before work. Stop it. Sheesh, there are some mornings before work that there is still some of last nights dinner in the pot in the sink with us. No it is not ideal, but it's a reality- especially when everything is falling on ye. I'm sure your mam can wash a cup now and again.

Look after yourself and your siblings, contact the HSE to see what help they can provide your mam AND ye.

Queen-Mise

Bemuji wrote: »

Maybe she will learn that she can't stamp her foot to get her way. I don't know what others think of this, but I'd be inclined to tell her that unless she looks after herself and also does 1/3 of the housework, you're moving out.

That is genius. Fair fcuks to your younger sister, she has a tantrum and gets her own way - unfortunately that is not going to work in a college or work environment.

You are her older sister not her mother, it's not upto to you to raise her. As others said she is sixteen not six.

Flat out - she is well capable of doing own laundry, washing, tidying, significant amount of cooking etc.

Tell her you are not her slave, she is practically an adult. If she is in Junior Cert year I would give her some slack. If not - then give her none whatsoever. Until she starts to significantly starts to help around the house, you are no longer her laundry, or anything else for her.


Not sure what to suggest about your Mam - is part of the negative behaviour worry about her health, bitterness on marriage break up. In clearer terms do you think she will get better in time, or has she always being critical since you were a child.

Penny Tration

Wow. The amount of fantastic responses I've received here, and in such a short space of time, is astounding.

You all have no idea how much I appreciate it. Sometimes you need an outside opinion to push you into action, I suppose.

Tomorrow, I'm going down to citizen's information, to find out if there's any help available, either financially or physically (preferably physically!).

Then, I'm going to go for a long walk with the dog, stick on some music, and forget everything.

Once I'm armed with the information I need, I can put it into action come tomorrow afternoon.

I'm lucky in that I have my sister helping, and an eextremely supportive boyfriend. I spoke to him about this tonight and he has said once his sibling moves out of his house in June, I'm welcome to move in. Too soon for that, but having the option of escaping for a night or two when I need it is great.

I'm going to cut back on the money I give, and start saving as much as I possibly can, so I can move back out and re-gain some freedom.

I genuinely cannot tell you all how much I appreciate the posts. I have a clear plan of action in my mind now, and I'm going to make sure I stick to it. Anyone who doesn't like it will just have to get used to it tbh!

I'm going to request this thread be locked now, not because I don't want more posts, but because ye have all given me fantastic, practical advice and have steered me in the direction I needed. If things don't improve, I'll request that it be reopened
Thank you all so much.

Tokyo

Locked at OP's request.