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No Birth Partner

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  • 18-05-2014 9:10pm
    #1
    Misdemeanour
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭


    Long story but basically looks like I won't be having DH as my birth partner. He is really not great around blood or mention of any kind of bodily functions and although he was my rock during the birth of our 1st, he was way out of his comfort zone and I did find myself anxious about him throughout.

    Honestly, I'm fairly gutted about this but I know that if he isn't there wholeheartedly then it's no good and I would hate to put him through something that he will find so traumatic. It will only cause me stress.

    My question is this...am I going to be forced to have someone else as a birth partner? Faced with the choice of going it alone or roping in my mother, sister, friend or doula, I would rather go solo. Nor do I want a midwife feeling the need to hover over me. I just want to get into the zone and do what I have to do.

    Has anyone any experience of this? Any feedback would be great but husband-bashing at this stage is not going to help. I just want to start making some positive preparations for how I am going to manage this.


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    #2
    Chattastrophe!
    Closed Accounts Posts: 3,284 ✭✭✭Chattastrophe!


    Of course you're not going to be forced to have someone else as a birth partner!

    In ways I kind of think I'd rather have done it alone. I had my boyfriend in with me, presuming he'd be kept well away from the business end of things, but next thing I knew, the midwife had him holding the heartrate monitor way down low on my tummy with blood and meconium-filled waters spurting all over him ... maybe a beautiful experience for some, but honestly, it's a shared experience I could have absolutely done without!

    No reason you can't do it all on your own. If the midwives annoy you with their cheerleading, just tell them to feck off. :)


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    #3
    rotun
    Closed Accounts Posts: 303 ✭✭rotun


    I was there for the arrival of our two.. I just basically got in the way.

    No loss if I wasn't there.. bar the emotional part obviously..


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    #4
    January
    Closed Accounts Posts: 23,865 ✭✭✭✭January


    If you tell anyone before they'll all probably be shocked and try talk you into having someone there.

    If you feel happier doing it alone then don't let anyone talk you out of it.

    No husband bashing, some guys really are no good at stuff like that and there's nothing wrong with that. Personally, if my partner didn't want to be there I'd have done it alone too, I couldn't have had anybody else.


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    #5
    Suucee
    Registered Users Posts: 1,816 ✭✭✭Suucee


    My friend had to do it alone. They are both polish and have no family here and not many friends ( i didnt even no her at the time) but basically they had no one to mind their toddler so her husband had to stay at home.

    She was fine and just got on with it.

    Another woman i know who is due soon doesnt want anyone with her. Not sure though if her partner does or doesnt want ti be there but at the moment she says she is doing it alone. Her mother thought she might get to go in with her but she is adamant no one is.


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    #6
    dizzymisslizzy
    Registered Users Posts: 45 ✭dizzymisslizzy


    I'll be doing it alone. I'm not with the father and definitely do not want either of my parents there for it. Not looking forward to it really but it is what it is :)


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    #7
    cyning
    Registered Users Posts: 3,251 ✭✭✭cyning


    My hubby had to leave before I gave birth on our first: like that he is not good with blood etc and was terrified of fainting so he stayed as long as he could. Besides which I could not bare being touched I didn't want to hold his hand or anything! He came in afterwards and left again while I was being stitched. I was induced so he was there for some of it, but only as much as we were both comfortable with.

    On our second we had the same plan: except this time he managed to be there for the whole lot (well kind of I was induced again!) including the delivery if the placenta but only because it went really fast and then he had the baby plonked in his arms and couldn't leave :) he did leave the room while they put in the cannula in my hand. And he would rather not have been... And I wish he hadn't been either!

    So basically don't tell anyone your plan because they will just stress you out. I wasn't sorry at all not to have him there the first time, and he says himself he felt like a spare part the second time. You'll be absolutely fine on your own!


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    #8
    Misdemeanour
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Misdemeanour


    Thank you so much everyone. I don't think I realised how much this was stressing me but you have all helped me so much. As your replies started to come in last night I felt more relaxed and then for the first time in weeks didn't lie awake worrying from about 2am! I feel like a new woman this morning. I'm always amazed at the kindness of strangers and I'm very grateful to you xxx


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    #9
    Misdemeanour
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Misdemeanour


    Thank you so much everyone. I don't think I realised how much this was stressing me but you have all helped me so much. As your replies started to come in last night I felt more relaxed and then for the first time in weeks didn't lie awake worrying from about 2am! I feel like a new woman this morning. I'm always amazed at the kindness of strangers and I'm very grateful to you xxx


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    #10
    Misdemeanour
    Registered Users Posts: 4 ✭Misdemeanour


    Thank you so much everyone. I don't think I realised how much this was stressing me but you have all helped me so much. As your replies started to come in last night I felt more relaxed and then for the first time in weeks didn't lie awake worrying from about 2am! I feel like a new woman this morning. I'm always amazed at the kindness of strangers and I'm very grateful to you xxx


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    #11
    Merkin
    Registered Users Posts: 8,230 ✭✭✭Merkin


    I honestly wouldn't worry about it.

    Myself and hubster are going to play it by ear and see how it goes on the day. He's been there for every scan and antenatal appointment and we're very much Team Merkin but I think I will probably end up getting on with it myself and I'm fine with that. He will definitely be in the vicinity but I know that he will feel utterly helpless and at sea if he sees me in any kind of pain. Funny considering he is a biopharmaceutical scientist and has a PhD and vast experience in all kinds of production and research involving blood products, he's still actually quite squeamish (he says he's not) when it comes to me/my discomfort.

    I also categorically DO NOT want him seeing my fanjita in anything other than a sexual light, which may sound odd to people but I just don't. So if he wants to be there he can (and stay well away from the business end) or he can stay outside. He also is saying that it's up to me on the day whether he is there or not, or for what parts.

    So we're very much open to seeing how it goes and what transpires on the day and what feels right at the time. Who knows, after me saying all of this he could end up delivering baby Merkin for all I know! I do know that having no birthing partner wouldn't bother me though as I'm very much a "get on with it" type of person. So don't worry about it if you don't have a birthing partner, it's perfectly OK not to.


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    #12
    SmokeyEyes
    Registered Users Posts: 1,032 ✭✭✭SmokeyEyes


    I think it's a personal thing, for me I need my fiance there and he 100% wants to be there through every moment but for you OP, the midwives are so fantastic, so good at making you feel safe and looked after, they're like a temporary mammy so you'll feel completely safe and in the right hands..:)


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    #13
    rotun
    Closed Accounts Posts: 303 ✭✭rotun


    SmokeyEyes wrote: »
    the midwives are so fantastic, so good at making you feel safe and looked after, they're like a temporary mammy so you'll feel completely safe and in the right hands..:)

    Absolutely, they have it like clockwork..


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    #14
    Rosy Posy
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,666 ✭✭✭Rosy Posy


    I found in my labours that I really wanted to be alone. I held off calling my oh or the midwives for as long as possible and enjoyed just getting into the zone. My oh is very calm so I happy to have him there for the delivery but if he was in any way stressy or paniced I would have not wanted him there. A friend got bullied into letting her mil come to her birth and spent the whole labour hiding in the toilet! I do think that being comfortable and at ease makes a big difference to the progress of the labour so if you want to be by yourself then that's your prerogative. It's your birth- you get to call the shots. If you're into music maybe make some playlists you can listen to to get you in the zone.


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    #15
    thebomb
    Registered Users Posts: 58 ✭✭thebomb


    Iam going have no birth partner either... father of the child is not involved.. sister mam cousin few friends offered to be there but I feel totally comfortable doing it my self, I think there is noting wrong with wanting to do it yourself... as you said get in the zone and do what u have to do and it will fly :)
    Best of luck


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