Too reliant on support group

LegacyUser

I have suffered from depression for a number of years now and when I had a particularly bad bout of it in April 2010 I started going to a depression support group near where I live (I won't mention the name of the group as I am not sure if it is against the rules but I think you can guess which one it is).
It's on every Thursday night at 8 pm and lasts for an hour and a half. I have been going most nights since (I have missed a few in that time). I have got to know the people there really well and I consider them my friends at this stage. Some people come and go from the meetings but there is a core group of four or five that come every week.
The thing is I really rely on these meetings for support for my condition. I actually look forward to the meeting every week and when it is over and I head back to my car I feel really down. It is virtually my own social outlet during the week. It's not that I enjoy sounding off about my problems (you only gets a certain amount of time to talk anyway).
I like to hear how the others are getting on and give them a few comforting words if I can.
It's just not that "normal" to feel so dependent on it.
I hate my job and have handed in my notice (I finish up in a month's time) and I don't have many friends. I am in a meetup group but I don't go to their events very often. I have two other good friends that I don't meet as often as I should. I stay in almost every weekend and I never go out during the week at night. This is all because I am so depressed. I am on an anti-depressant and my GP is aware I have depression. I also suffer from insomnia so I need proper rest at weekends. I would like to break my dependence on this group but I don't know how.
When looking for a new job I would be reluctant to move too far away because then I wouldn't be able to go the meeting. If there was a meeting on every night of the week I would go. I couldn't imagine not going to it.
I don't think the others in the group are as dependent on the meetings because they have friends they confide in who know they have depression (particularly the female members).
I haven't told my (few) friends that I have depression because of stigma I suppose but also because it's not a very cheerful subject.
It is stupid to have a dependence like this but it's just the way it is.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

Seeing as you have made the step of talking to your GP about your depression and getting medical treatment, have you considered getting a referral for a counsellor from him too? While it's good that you are attending a support group, you still seem to be bottling up a lot of your concerns about your depression, and I imagine that it would be very helpful to talk them out in confidence, one-to-one, with somebody who has experience with people suffering from depression such as yourself?

JuliusCaesar

There's a big difference between friends, and people you know really well in a support group. Friends you see at other times, not just at work or school, or wherever you happen to see them.

You need some real friends, and to start going to the meet-up, to start meeting your other friends, both regularly. It took you some time and being consistant at going to the group to get to know the people there that you now regard as friends, and you need to do this in the other situations. It takes time to get to know people. And no, nobody tells people they've only just met the details of their situation - only when you get to know and trust the person.

You will probably find it beneficial to have some support eg counselling while you are doing this. There are low-cost and no-cost counsellor available.

Queen-Mise

People go to support groups all the time. I know people going to AA for 40 odd years, or Alanon or other such organisations.

The problem isn't the support group per se, the problem is, is that it is your only social outlet. So of course it then seems bigger than what it is. If you were going to the cinema one night, football practise another night, play rehearsals or drinks with friends other nights & then the weekends sleeping in. Your life would be full and that Thursday night meeting wouldn't seem so important then.

Of course with the depression, doing that much stuff would be nigh on impossible. See if you can find other supports not just the single group and see how you can on.

LegacyUser

I have seen a counsellor off and on over the last few years and she helped me quite a bit. It was really thanks to her that I joined meetup and made a few new friends.
She is a little expensive though and is a bit far away from my home so when I am out of work I won't be able to go see her anymore. There is a cheaper option nearer home that I will use instead if I need it.
I suppose I prefer going to the support group because there are people there that have the same problems as I do and it helps a bit to share with someone who understands.
On nights out with friends nobody wants to hear depressing, down-in-the-dumps talk (understandably). I wouldn't talk like that on a night out 'cause I know nobody would want to hear it.
I just seem to have found myself to be defined by depression.
The person who posted about going to the cinema and football practise etc, those are great ideas and I'd love to do them. I'd like to connect with people like that and still have the support meeting.
It's not easy though, just this morning I had bad anxiety and cried before I went to work. I almost wasn't able to go in today but I had to do it as I need to earn and save as much money as I can before I finish.

Rubberchikken

it's good that you get such support/help in your group. you said you have a couple of friends but don't meet up too often. could you plan to meet them a little more frequently?

Semele

Take this opportunity to start broadening your social horizons and the group will naturally start to assume less importance in your life. There's nothing wrong with your current level of dependence on it because it sounds like it fills a useful function in your life, but as you have quite rightly identified, others in the group don't seem to rely on it socially so much and this is a healthy goal to work towards. Don't stop going because you feel you should or anything- it's rarely a good idea to take away a support system without something in its place. As you make more friends and have a fuller life it will become less important naturally, but for now it seems to be serving its purpose!

Queen-Mise

ciaran_73 wrote: »

I have seen a counsellor off and on over the last few years and she helped me quite a bit. It was really thanks to her that I joined meetup and made a few new friends.
She is a little expensive though and is a bit far away from my home so when I am out of work I won't be able to go see her anymore. There is a cheaper option nearer home that I will use instead if I need it.

It's not easy though, just this morning I had bad anxiety and cried before I went to work. I almost wasn't able to go in today but I had to do it as I need to earn and save as much money as I can before I finish.

Get back into your counselling again. It will help with the anxiety and the thoughts that are giving you yourself a hard time.

Don't mind the tears (male or female), it is pain coming out. The more that come out the better - well that is my philosophy anyway, doesn't mean I'm right.

Find something that suits you interests wise, be it online, in person, sports, arts, whatever. Sometimes doing stuff like going to a GAA match surrounded by people is enough. Whatever you do doesn't necessarily have to be intimate or small intense situations.
Although I'd suggest something that there is laughing in, or shouting at a team - both are great for getting you out of yourself.

ongarboy

As you seem comfortable discussing your issues with others at this meeting and providing others with advice there, would it be worth discussing this dependency issue with the people there to get their take on it? The other regulars have probably gotten a good insight on you over the months and maybe can provide you with some accurate observations and tips on how to address it.

Is there a group leader that supervises that you could mention it to also? The last thing the group focus wants to do is to make people feel down once the session finishes each week so I'm sure this would be a worthy discussion point. I would think loneliness and social isolation are often contributory or resultant factors of depression so it wouldn't be an off topic subject.

Be careful as well not to let the weekly group become an opportunity to wallow in your depression. You should try and take one positive or self improvement take away action item from the group each week (eg I will clean the attic/go for a 5km walk/call a friend I haven't seen in a while/update my CV etc) so that you have some focus point to achieve in advance of the next meeting. This in itself would give you motivation and maybe distract you from the type of come down you feel when you leave these meetings. Good luck!

Starokan

Hi Op,

I would not worry about being overly dependant on the support group. We all need some form of interaction with others in our lives , at the moment this is yours. Embrace it for what it is and for what it brings to your life. If you start to view your dependancy on it as being somewhat wrong then you will begin to lose the benefits it brings.

Try and enjoy going to and don't be ashamed of looking forward to it and then over time try and expand your social life by finding something else on another night of the week.

Fair play on having the guts to call it a day in the job, many of us just endure work we really dislike for years and years, if you do not have another job to go to yet keep an eye on the patterns you develop. Its easy to start sleeping in later and losing focus. Try keep a routine, join a gym something that keeps you out and about day to day.

Feel

OP, there is nothing wrong with being reliant on support groups if it helps your mental well-being. Be kind to yourself.

As others said to expand your social contact could further improve your positive coping skills. To experience closeness on a regular base is important as a counterweight not to give in to negative thoughts.

LegacyUser

I have booked a session with a low cost counsellor. I had built up a good rapport with the counsellor I was seeing before but can't really go to her anymore now that I will be out of work in a month's time as she is too expensive and too far away from where I will be living (my parents) when I leave the job. I will give the new counsellor a chance though, she might be OK.
To the person who suggested going to a GAA match, there's actually one on this Thursday evening that I want to go to but it's on the same time as the support group meeting so I will have to miss it.
Sometimes I do feel a little ashamed of looking forward to the weekly meeting and depending on it so much (it's the highlight of my week; sad as that is).
Someone suggested discussing this dependency issue with the people in the meeting to get their take on it. That is actually something I was going to do anyway, I will ask them tomorrow night.
As someone else said I am letting the weekly group become an opportunity to wallow in my depression a little. The thing is I don't want to do that and I desperatley want to change it.
I have made steps; I think the knowledge that I am soon going to be out of that terrible job has made me more open to try new things.
I went to one of the meetups tonight for an hour and there is a weekend away coming up soon that I have signed up for.
I really need to break my dependence on the counselling meeting. I can't ever see myself giving it up completley but I have to have something else socially.

InReality

Sounds to me your doing all the right things.
My guess is when you don't need the group you wont go , that might take longer than you'd "like" , but ..

My own depression/anxiety often shows up by finding "new ways" to give out/criticize myself , so I try and keep an eye out for those type of thoughts ..

Do you think you that might be part of what your doing ?

LegacyUser

InReality wrote: »

Sounds to me your doing all the right things.
My guess is when you don't need the group you wont go , that might take longer than you'd "like" , but ..

My own depression/anxiety often shows up by finding "new ways" to give out/criticize myself , so I try and keep an eye out for those type of thoughts ..

Do you think you that might be part of what your doing ?

Oh yeah I am great at that. I constantly find fault with myself; when I get something wrong in work I say "I should have known that". When I say something stupid to somoeone I meet, I keep thinking about it. If I forget something I tell myself I am stupid.
Now I have found another one; I look forward to going to a depression support group. How sad is that?
I have been going to a Life Skills course which deals a lot with things like this (dealing with negative thoughts) but I find it hard to get into to be honest. I know what they are saying is right but I find it hard to convince myself of it.

Semele

ciaran_73 wrote: »

Oh yeah I am great at that. I constantly find fault with myself; when I get something wrong in work I say "I should have known that". When I say something stupid to somoeone I meet, I keep thinking about it. If I forget something I tell myself I am stupid.
Now I have found another one; I look forward to going to a depression support group. How sad is that?
I have been going to a Life Skills course which deals a lot with things like this (dealing with negative thoughts) but I find it hard to get into to be honest. I know what they are saying is right but I find it hard to convince myself of it.

Hi again Ciaran.

I read your latest post and have been meaning to reply ever since! I want to recommend a book to you- its one that I have found very useful myself and that I use in my work with clients. People seem to take to it really well.

The book is called The Compassionate Mind, by Paul Gilbert, and is the starting point for Compassion-focussed Therapy (CFT). CFT is fairly new and is one of the so-called third wave of cognitive therapies. It is basically CBT but with an extra focus on the evolution/physiology of negative feelings and on the power of compassion/kindness to challenge this.

Paul Gilbert is a very experienced CBT therapist and clinical psychologist. He explains in the book that, in his years of practice, he found a subgroup of people didn't get much benefit from CBT. They would often say what you have- that they logically understand but that they can't feel it. It was this part of your post that made me think its worth recommending to you!

This group who felt like this had depression and anxiety issues that were long-standing and were underpinned by high levels of shame and self-criticism, which were a barrier to them feeling better...basically they didn't feel that they deserved to feel better, and were very punitive and uncompassionate to themselves. Paul and his colleagues found that CBT worked much better for these clients if focussed work was done first to address some of the shame and self-criticism, and to develop an attitude of kindness and compassion towards oneself.

Have a look at the book- it has loads of exercises that you can do yourself and explains it all much better than I can! I have found it invaluable and it really fits with how I understand psychological change to occur.

Actually this link is a great overview of CFT (its by Paul Gilbert also and made freely available online). Have a look at that first and maybe speak to your counsellor about it if you feel it fits with you. Best of luck, and try not to be so hard on yourself! If the group, or anything else, works for you then don't deprive yourself of it because you feel you shouldn't need it.

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CFMQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.compassionatemind.co.uk%2Fdownloads%2Ftraining_materials%2F3.%2520Clinical_patient_handout.pdf&ei=pkuDU87YG6j00gXlloHIBA&usg=AFQjCNGuWloESIiQW_ZFppclXbmeh9Yufw&sig2=rYyFXNB3LPqOB4lD7EqXOQ&bvm=bv.67720277,d.d2k

LegacyUser

Semele wrote: »

Hi again Ciaran.

I read your latest post and have been meaning to reply ever since! I want to recommend a book to you- its one that I have found very useful myself and that I use in my work with clients. People seem to take to it really well.

The book is called The Compassionate Mind, by Paul Gilbert, and is the starting point for Compassion-focussed Therapy (CFT). CFT is fairly new and is one of the so-called third wave of cognitive therapies. It is basically CBT but with an extra focus on the evolution/physiology of negative feelings and on the power of compassion/kindness to challenge this.

Paul Gilbert is a very experienced CBT therapist and clinical psychologist. He explains in the book that, in his years of practice, he found a subgroup of people didn't get much benefit from CBT. They would often say what you have- that they logically understand but that they can't feel it. It was this part of your post that made me think its worth recommending to you!

This group who felt like this had depression and anxiety issues that were long-standing and were underpinned by high levels of shame and self-criticism, which were a barrier to them feeling better...basically they didn't feel that they deserved to feel better, and were very punitive and uncompassionate to themselves. Paul and his colleagues found that CBT worked much better for these clients if focussed work was done first to address some of the shame and self-criticism, and to develop an attitude of kindness and compassion towards oneself.

Have a look at the book- it has loads of exercises that you can do yourself and explains it all much better than I can! I have found it invaluable and it really fits with how I understand psychological change to occur.

Actually this link is a great overview of CFT (its by Paul Gilbert also and made freely available online). Have a look at that first and maybe speak to your counsellor about it if you feel it fits with you. Best of luck, and try not to be so hard on yourself! If the group, or anything else, works for you then don't deprive yourself of it because you feel you shouldn't need it.

http://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CFMQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.compassionatemind.co.uk%2Fdownloads%2Ftraining_materials%2F3.%2520Clinical_patient_handout.pdf&ei=pkuDU87YG6j00gXlloHIBA&usg=AFQjCNGuWloESIiQW_ZFppclXbmeh9Yufw&sig2=rYyFXNB3LPqOB4lD7EqXOQ&bvm=bv.67720277,d.d2k

Thanks for that, I will check it out.