Comments about being single/childless

LegacyUser

Hi all,
I am 36 year old female.
Am single and childless.

Am so tired/fatigued on comments from people about these 2 things. I mean, its like every day someone has a comment to pass.

I get the "cant believe you are still single" line ALOT. 3 times last night. And alot of why are you still single. Alot of enquiries. Feel like Ive to constanly defend the "single life". I was at a work do last night, and this became the theme (of my night).
One of the guys (senior to me who is married with a child) says to me "dont you think you should be having children now at your age".

I dont even know if I want children. Sure, if the right relationship came along, maybe. But I said this back to him and he says to me then "Im concerned about you-you know Ive always had a soft spot for you". I said "ha! there is no need to be concerned for me, I enjoy my life/have fun!". And he just says the same line back to me.

Im unsure at this stage how to handle what to say back. I mean, I should have to justify my lifestyle (constantly). I mean am 36 now, am I going to get questions at 45 going "why did you never marry/have children?" comments?

Jonty

Well one way of looking at the "cant believe you are still single" line is that the people saying it obviously believe you are a worthy catch :-)

Neyite

Its almost like a rite of passage OP. I guarantee that if you did have a boyfriend, the questions would soon change to "So. When are ya giving us a day out??" After you get engaged it's be "Any date set yet?" then when you helpfully oblige them with a day out, there will be the questions of the pitter-pattering of little feet variety. And if you did have one child, you'd not be long before you are pestered to give said child a sibling. Really, it never ends :rolleyes:

I endured years of that. I, like you, tried to be nice about it, tried to even explain to people, which only opened me up to more pass-remarkable comments.

Then I realised it was none of their business. So now, I just have a few stock phrases depending on whoever is asking. My politest is "Thats a very personal thing to ask someone, isnt it?" and stare levelly at them until they change the subject. If its someone my own age I can be a bit cheeky and say "Oh, are we talking about our sex lives then? Ok! you first then!"

Addle

I never know how to respond to those kind of comments either.
Last work night out I attended, my manager told me she thought I was odd for being 'so independent'! Wtf?!

Only today, my mother asked me did I not want 'another half'?
I told her I was whole, and didn't need anything.

Rubberchikken

If you had a child they'd comment on when ur going to have a second one.
If you had 2 they'd say u shud have 3 and on it goes.

Some people just have to say something/anything. Others think that peopke really want to listen to their opinion.
Imo i'd say try to laugh them off/be dismissive if u like.

It's nobody's business what you do with your life.

dafunk

I'm also 36, childless and single and also get asked these questions constantly. My usual response is to ask them why they're trying to pull me onto their sinking ship. I know its rude but it usually shuts them up. It's a horrible question to ask someone. Far too personal.

Colser

You can be sure OP that a lot of those tactless people would swap places with you in a heartbeat...In future just smile and say"Why do you ask that?" This throws them and puts the ball back in their court...behind it all they hate to see anyone happy imo...enjoy your life and ignore them

beks101

A few choices responses, depending on your mood:

"Why am I single? Why are you in a relationship?"

"Because I'm crazy. Legitimately psycho. I kill all my boyfriends and wear their skin"

"Why are you still married?"

"What kind of question is that?" And pause. Let them feel like an idiot.

"Because I was born that way"

"Because I'm an Aries/Sagittarius etc and have an extremely low tolerance to bull****"

"Because I only date married men"

"Why? Why not?"

"Because I ate my last boyfriend"

I used to actually enjoy that question. It's either a chance to call the asker's intellect into question or to have a bit of fun. I usually found it was the old fuddy duddy narrow world-view types who asked and the right combination of the above will make sure they'll think twice before asking someone again.

CaraMay

I agree with beks in that I would never respond to those comments with a serious response. I only had my first child way older than you and was single til late 30's and never had anyone (bar a few drinken muppets on nights out) say stuff like that to me. It's such bad manners and so ignorant. Why do they think you are single?? Obviously as you haven't met someone you want to be with yet duh!! How thick are they?

Big Bag of Chips

Rubberchikken wrote: »

If you had a child they'd comment on when ur going to have a second one.
If you had 2 they'd say u shud have 3 and on it goes.

If you have 2 of the same sex you have to "go again".
If you have 1 of each, that seems to be acceptable and you are "allowed" stop!
If you have 3, (2+1) then you have to go for a brother/sister for the one who's on their own...

Sometimes you get told "that's enough now"

And on and on it goes.

I think people just comment. And it's "easy" conversation. Not easy for the person being questioned, but easy for the questioner as they don't really have to think about it. I don't think people mean to offend or even realise that line of questioning can be upsetting or awkward etc. It's just something else to say.

And the reality of it is... They don't actually care! They're just talking. Once you move out of their line of sight they don't give you a second thought.

LegacyUser

Thanks every one sooo much for replying to me.

I guess the second person who said it to me didnt realise the first person said it to me, the third didnt realise Id heard the same comments already too.

By the end of it all, I thought I mustve had a big arrow over my head or something. Just thought it was really weird that someone would say they were concerned for me. Like I had a disease or something.

I did have an opportunity in my 20s to settle down, twice. Both wanted to get married. I didnt. So I had to be brave and unselfish and walk away. Try explain that to people, and you do get funny looks.

I do enjoy my lifestyle. Ive done so much for myself/experienced so much in the last few years that a married person may not have had the chance to do. Ive learned alot about myself. But I would never say to a married person "as an individual, do you know who you are?"

There is a song out there "youre nobody till somebody loves you" and I feel being raised in a society where people think this is true has badly influenced the person, and an individual. What about a song "youre nobody till you love yourself"?

CaraMay

I would say your colleague was being a bit of a sleaze tbh. If he asks why you never married you should say 'because I've lost faith in marriage given all the married men who hit on me'.

Do you want to have kids? 'Ugh no'

Rude questions don't deserve straight answers.

Addle

stupidcomments wrote: »

I did have an opportunity in my 20s to settle down, twice. Both wanted to get married. I didnt. So I had to be brave and unselfish and walk away. Try explain that to people, and you do get funny looks.

I have never told my family that I turned down a marriage proposal. They'd never understand.
I prefer that they think I was dumped!

Daisy78

I agree with the above poster. ...what the heck is an older married father doing asking you that type of question.....there is something a bit sleazy about it..not to mention downright rude and inappropriate.

If someone dared ask me that id point that out. ....."hmmm what an inappropriate question. ..why do you ask" or something alomg those lines.

LynnGrace

Colser wrote: »

You can be sure OP that a lot of those tactless people would swap places with you in a heartbeat...In future just smile and say"Why do you ask that?"This throws them and puts the ball back in their court...behind it all they hate to see anyone happy imo...enjoy your life and ignore them

This is a useful response to many questions, that are nobody's business, including any questions about being single/ married/ children etc.
I've used it, on occasion, when someone I've been hardly introduced to, asks me something nosey. Said politely with a smile and an enquiring look, it leaves the other person flummoxed.

A friend of mine who got married a couple of years ago was being pestered by some relatives on both sides about when she would have kids. I said to her, ask them how would they like to discuss their own private lives, and then you will discuss yours with them.