Best friend with girlfriend/boyfriend

Buteo Buteo

Hi all,
Just wondering if there are any rules as to how much time someone should give to a close friend if he also has a girlfriend? I know that the girlfriend will get the bulk of the time - of course, that's only natural - but what if your best friend never ever wants to go out at the weekend because of his girlfriend and will only meet you one night a week, always the same night without any variation whatsoever for months on end? Is it ok to feel a bit annoyed by that?

Also, what you do if you plan a friends' trip away for both of you and he decides to bring his girlfriend along without consulting you? And what if he expects you to change the plans because his girlfriend can't afford to go to your preferred destination?

CaraMay

He is very out of order and I would explain to him why you are annoyed. If he doesn't take it on board then find a new friend

Buteo Buteo

CaraMay wrote: »

He is very out of order and I would explain to him why you are annoyed. If he doesn't take it on board then find a new friend

Well, I did lose my rag on our trip away (after a lot of alcohol) and said some really hurtful things to him and his girlfriend. I don't think he ever really forgave me for that even after I felt ashamed of what I had done and apologised profusely to both of them, that episode has been hanging over our heads ever since. But I noticed well before that how he would never come out at the weekends. We've had so many arguments over this and I think our friendship is hanging by a thread. My friend just won't talk about any of this.

LegacyUser

Well, some lads just do that.

My best mate used to do that to me. He did it for about 10 years from his early 20s. It was a right pain in the ass. His girlfriends across that decade were total spanners. Luckily now he's married to a really nice normal girl.

As for bringing a gf along on a trip that you're heading off on, well, that's not on.

My friend used to invite me out for a drink / coffee and his gf would be there every time. I had to say it to him. With regards to this remember that if he's that under the thumb, he'll probably say it directly back to her. My mate did....

The gf should have the cop on to not go on the trip but your friend should be able to draw the line.

What age is he and is this his first girlfriend?

retro:electro

You say you said some hurtful things to them, well is it any wonder then that he's drifting from you. Your friend is entitled to have a girlfriend and not go out every weekend if that's what he chooses. He shouldn't have to explain himself to you. People grow and change and develop. If he was to get married to this girl would you still expect him to drop her at your beck and call? Your trip away with just the two of you sounds like something you purposefully planned so she wouldn't come, and now that he wants her there you are put out. This is his life now, and she is apart of it, you need to accept that. Maybe focus on finding a girlfriend yourself or something? You said you were sorry to them but your post doesn't speak of someone who is sorry; you sound resentful. Don't resent your friend and his gf for growing up.

Stavro Mueller

I can understand why you feel aggrieved but there's nothing you can do. Some people drop their friends completely when they meet someone or suddenly can't step outside the front door without having their new boyfriend/girlfriend in tow. Your friend was making an effort to meet up with you even if it wasn't in the way you wanted.

To be fair he was out of order to spring the girlfriend on you on that trip but you don't know what went on in the background. Reading between the lines, I get the impression that you resent his girlfriend and perhaps blame her for messing things up. Maybe she is sticking her oar in too much but you're going to have to put up with her. She and your friend now come as a package and you're going to have to learn how to fake it.

CaraMay

'Losing the rag' plus arguing over this is ridiculous and I'm not surprised he is distancing himself. You should have spoken to him directly as opposed to the passive aggressive way you handled it. In fairness to your friend he is trying to get past this but i would think the friendship will fizzle out as it's very hard to stay friends with someone who resents your lifestyle. He was wrong but you should have spoken to him sober

Buteo Buteo

CaraMay wrote: »

'Losing the rag' plus arguing over this is ridiculous and I'm not surprised he is distancing himself. You should have spoken to him directly as opposed to the passive aggressive way you handled it. In fairness to your friend he is trying to get past this but i would think the friendship will fizzle out as it's very hard to stay friends with someone who resents your lifestyle. He was wrong but you should have spoken to him sober

Yes, I think my attitude has a lot to do with it. I really like the guy but I feel very frustrated at how things have turned out. The fault is probably mine in expecting these things from him. I used to make time for him when I was going out with my ex but maybe others are just different that way. I lost another friend in similar circumstances. I think it may be too late now to patch things up. Things will never be the same again. I don't know why I feel jealous of my friend's girlfriend but I just do. These feelings surprised me at first, I have to say.

I've been under a lot of stress lately and my friend has told me that his mother has cancer, and I went and acted like a d**k last week by bringing up our trip away last year. I'm sure that's the last thing he wanted to hear. The timing was pretty bad.

I think I have to at least make peace with the guy and maybe take some time out for a while and just be on my own. Should I put this to him? I suspect though that this will definitely end the friendship.

Stavro Mueller

Making peace with your friend is a good idea but be careful what you say regarding his girlfriend. I don't think going on about taking time out to be on your own etc. is a good idea. It's making you come across like a kid who's tugging on his mammy's sleeve to try and grab her attention. You'd be better off quietly stepping back a bit but staying in touch all the same.

Buteo Buteo

cymbaline wrote: »

Making peace with your friend is a good idea but be careful what you say regarding his girlfriend. I don't think going on about taking time out to be on your own etc. is a good idea. It's making you come across like a kid who's tugging on his mammy's sleeve to try and grab her attention. You'd be better off quietly stepping back a bit but staying in touch all the same.

Yes, that's a very good point. I don't know if simply saying "sorry" is enough at this stage. I seem to lurch from argument to argument. I expect my friend may have already decided that enough is enough. I'm probably too clingy by far.

Buteo Buteo

welloweooa wrote: »

Well, some lads just do that.

My best mate used to do that to me. He did it for about 10 years from his early 20s. It was a right pain in the ass. His girlfriends across that decade were total spanners. Luckily now he's married to a really nice normal girl.

As for bringing a gf along on a trip that you're heading off on, well, that's not on.

My friend used to invite me out for a drink / coffee and his gf would be there every time. I had to say it to him. With regards to this remember that if he's that under the thumb, he'll probably say it directly back to her. My mate did....

The gf should have the cop on to not go on the trip but your friend should be able to draw the line.

What age is he and is this his first girlfriend?

We're both in our thirties and he was single for a few years before meeting his present girlfriend.

I was afraid to tell my friend that I only wanted us to go away last year as I wanted to avoid trouble. Looking back now, I should never have gone on that trip and if truth be told, I knew beforehand that I shouldn't go but went anyway as I had committed to going and he had already mentioned bringing her with him.

There's a social event later this year that we attend every year. I don't want to go if my friend brings his girlfriend along but I can't mention that if he brings it up that event later in the year. I may go on my own but if they both turn up at the same event, it could be uncomfortable for all of us.

Lou.m

Buteo Buteo wrote: »

Well, I did lose my rag on our trip away (after a lot of alcohol) and said some really hurtful things to him and his girlfriend. I don't think he ever really forgave me for that even after I felt ashamed of what I had done and apologised profusely to both of them, that episode has been hanging over our heads ever since. But I noticed well before that how he would never come out at the weekends. We've had so many arguments over this and I think our friendship is hanging by a thread. My friend just won't talk about any of this.

If I were the girlfriend I would insist he go on the original trip and If i could not afford it I would insist he still go and enjoy it.

However YOU REALLY crossed the line in mouthing off. You can be sorry but you can't undo it and sometimes people just don't feel the same.

You come across as a little needy. He does not want to spend weekends with you. And you are arguing over it?

He sees you once a week that seems pretty normal for a friendship. Maybe he is tired of your drama.

He was making an effort. It seems also you shot yourself in the foot by making it awkward for you to hang out with him AND the girlfriend by being rude.

What do you expect him to do people do spend their weekends with the OH.

Do you have a girlfriend?

If I were you I would attempt to clear the air with the girlfriend.

R.D. aka MR.D

Buteo Buteo wrote: »

There's a social event later this year that we attend every year. I don't want to go if my friend brings his girlfriend along but I can't mention that if he brings it up that event later in the year. I may go on my own but if they both turn up at the same event, it could be uncomfortable for all of us.

What's your problem with his girlfriend? Is she not a nice person?

Have you tried to get along with her?

With my past exes and my current OH, I normally get his friends begging me to come out when he's heading out. Usually, i'll insist that he has a night out with the lads. However, with one of my exes, his friends used to text me to come down the pub to hang out when he was at work! You haven't mentioned why you don't like her so much.

Why can't you guys all go out together? Not all the time but a reasonable amount.

From your posts it comes across to me like you are very possessive of your friend. Is there more to the story than you are saying here. (you obviously don't have to.)

Flippyfloppy

Him bringing his girlfriend away is a bit odd, but you do say you knew about it before. How did it come about did he just announce it? Do you think from his side of things he's desperate for you and his gf to get on?

You also mention that he meets up only one night a week, and doesn't specifically want to 'come out' you mean nights out? You gotta question if you only view him as a drinking buddy/right hand man? Is that what your relationship with him is built on? If so, no wonder it's failing now.

I am quite surprised you're in your 30's. I genuinely expected mid 20's max. Maybe he just wants to take it easy/settle down. He may not act how you did yourself in your own previous relationships, but he's not doing anything inherently wrong, he's still meeting one night a week.

If anything, become friends with this girl. Things can only get better for you if you do. She'll probably try to set you up with her friends

Buteo Buteo

Thanks to everyone for your advice.

Stavro Mueller

Would I be right in guessing that you don't really have many other friends now to hang around with or go out with at weekends? It happens a lot when people move into their thirties and start settling down and/or having children. You might need to strike out on your own and expand your own social circle so that you're less dependent on this friend.

RandyMann

Hey Buteo, are you a man or a woman?

Big Bag of Chips

You say you organised a friends' weekend away. Was that you plural, or you singular? Did you regularly go away on weekends together before he started going out with his gf? You admit yourself that you are too clingy, so maybe your friend was politely trying to put a bit of distance between you without coming out and saying you are too full on about needing "alone time" with him.

Most people don't go in for the big soap opera heart to hearts about their friendships or why they are changing. They just change, and mostly the people involved adapt/get the message.

You seem to have a very deep dislike for his gf, for no real reason apart from he spends a lot of time with her. He has made that decision. I notice a lot that the gf seems to get blamed in these situations. She comes in and "takes" the fella away from his friends. She gets blamed for "demanding" his time and not "allowing" him to go out with his friends. I never knew there were so many boyfriends out there completely controlled by unreasonable girlfriends! I'm not suggesting it doesn't happen. (we probably all know at least 1 couple ) but I am saying it doesn't happen as often as people like to suggest.

If your friend has stopped hanging around with you as much, or stopped going away for weekends with you etc then that is down to him. Not her.

And if you have made it quite clear that you only want to spend time with him, away from her, then he is going to choose to not spend so much time with you. If I had someone in my life who was very open about their dislike for the person I love. And who were jealous of my relationship I would be very inclined to drop them, either slowly or very deliberately, in favour of the person I love.

Buteo Buteo

Yeah, I've been acting like a bit of tit, alright. I just need to back off a bit. I'm far too possessive.

I'm completely useless at people skills and tend to rub people up the wrong way. I have tried to change myself over the past few months and learn to keep my mouth shut but that's easier said than done for me after a few pints. I am getting there though but I do have these relapses where I snap at someone, almost always after a few drinks. I always hate myself afterwards and feel like s**t for days. It's got so bad that I avoid other people. A number of strangers have asked me am I a guard. I don't know what that means but it doesn't sound good.

Buteo Buteo

RandyMann wrote: »

Hey Buteo, are you a man or a woman?

A man. Why?

Buteo Buteo

cymbaline wrote: »

Would I be right in guessing that you don't really have many other friends now to hang around with or go out with at weekends? It happens a lot when people move into their thirties and start settling down and/or having children. You might need to strike out on your own and expand your own social circle so that you're less dependent on this friend.

That's true. I have one good friend and another guy I meet up with now and again. I've always been very independent and a bit of a loner. I find it difficult to click emotionally or intellectually with most people. I find that a lot of what I say goes over people's heads and I've been told that I have a dark sense of humour. I go to a social group once a fortnight and enjoy it a lot but am trying not to talk too much as at least one person will be annoyed by something I say.

baby and crumble

Theres a few things that jump out of your posts, op.

The first is that you seem to have a younger persons attitude to friendships. I've learned over the years (I'm in my 30's now) that it genuinely is quality not quantity. I have many very very very good friends that I see maybe 4 times a year. But the quality of time we spend together is brilliant, and i know if I need them I can call them or whatever. You don't have to see your friends physically all the time to keep a friendship alive. Particularly If you all get to your late 20's and all the other elements of life come into play: girlfriends, wives, work problems, mortgages, kids... When you're younger, going out is a key way to spend time with your friends but in my experience once you hit your 30's it becomes less about that and more about dinners and drinks in each other's houses, lunches, cinema trips...

And tbh once you're in a stable, committed relationship it's only natural for the amount of time spent with your partner to increase, and that time has to come from somewhere. Likewise when you have kids- you can basically kiss your friends with kids goodbye for a while unless you're willing to go and hang out with them all as a family. Which, tbh, can be awesome fun!

The 2nd is that you seem to regret the things you do and say when you're drinking- could you maybe cut down how much you drink rather than curb your contact with other people in case you say something? It seems like the more sensible solution to me.

Either way, you have to accept that you're growing up, and so is your friend. You have to understand that you are not your friends priority anymore, and that that's ok. You're probably high on the list, but this woman who is becoming his family is going to be prioritised, as his his relationship to her. And that's 100% completely normal and healthy. It sucks when you realise it, and if you're not in a similar position in your life, but it still is how it works.

RandyMann

Buteo Buteo wrote: »

A man. Why?

I just wasn't sure as some of your posts sounded like they were written by a woman.

I was thinking that if you were a woman, there was some jealousy issues from his girlfriend about your relationship with her boyfriend.

Thanks for clearing that up.

Buteo Buteo

RandyMann wrote: »

I just wasn't sure as some of your posts sounded like they were written by a woman.

I was thinking that if you were a woman, there was some jealousy issues from his girlfriend about your relationship with her boyfriend.

Thanks for clearing that up.

No worries. I should've made that clear at the start.

RandyMann

I'd say as advice, just busy yourself with your other mates in the interim. Don't stress yourself out as he may come back but he wont if there is discord between you and his GF.

Buteo Buteo

Another incident occurred a few months ago when the three of us were out drinking one night. It was my round and I asked them what they wanted. He wanted a pint of the same and she wanted a glass of a certain liquor (I presume I can't mention the name here). She offered to pay for hers as she said it was a bit more expensive (at least, that was my memory of what happened thinking back afterwards but I could be wrong) but I insisted that I pay. I already had a few pints in me at this stage. Anyway, her drink came to something like 8 or 9 euro and I commented on how expensive it was. I never drink those types of drinks and genuinely didn't know how much they cost. (Yes, I really am that ignorant of such things). She offered the money back. I said it was ok, not to worry, but she insisted. I took the money. I didn't sense there that was any major issue over this at the time.

A few days later, I met my friend. He wasn't at all happy with me over taking the money for the drink and he said that his girlfriend would never ever speak to me ever again. I was completely shocked by this. He said that what I had done was utterly disgraceful, that I did it just to spite his girlfriend and that it was a major personal insult to her. We had all had a great night out and things went really well. I thought we had turned a corner after my outburst last year so this came as a major shock to me.

I'm not a mean person when it comes to buying drinks. I never avoid my round and always make sure that someone doesn't end up buying me two drinks in a row. I know I shouldn't have taken the money or even commented on the price but I genuinely said it just as a comment, almost like I was thinking aloud or something. I never said it to spite anyone or insult anyone. I realise that I may have come across as a stingy b*****d but it honestly wasn't my intention to belittle anyone.

Am I at fault here?

CaraMay

You are coming across as obsessed op

Put it behind you and stop analyzing every detail

Buteo Buteo

RandyMann wrote: »

I'd say as advice, just busy yourself with your other mates in the interim. Don't stress yourself out as he may come back but he wont if there is discord between you and his GF.

Well, I texted him yesterday and told him I was sorry for what I said last week. He texted back and said "Take it easy. Go for a pint. The sky hasn't fallen".

Still, though, I know I'm still on probation and need to be really, really careful not to cause another incident with his girlfriend.

I tried giving up drink for a while but it's hard to go out and just drink non-alcoholic beer all night. I don't think I have any choice though. I just need to ditch the drink. Practically every stupid thing I've ever said was said when I was drunk. It puts me in a vile mood sometimes.

ziedth

You seem a bit hard done by to me TBH. Your not 100% without fault like I'd never mention the cost of the drink especially when she had made a point of it being more expensive and if it's your round it's your round unless someone is going down the double vodka and red bull route taking the piss then best to just Work away.

It's hard to know should you have accepted the money, it reads like she made a big deal trying to give it back to you so what could you do. If she insisted hard enough I think most people would back down and take it.

Edit: by the sound of it drinking isn't for you, if it causes problems then best keep it to one or two sociable one.

RandyMann

Buteo Buteo wrote: »

Well, I texted him yesterday and told him I was sorry for what I said last week. He texted back and said "Take it easy. Go for a pint. The sky hasn't fallen".

Still, though, I know I'm still on probation and need to be really, really careful not to cause another incident with his girlfriend.

I tried giving up drink for a while but it's hard to go out and just drink non-alcoholic beer all night. I don't think I have any choice though. I just need to ditch the drink. Practically every stupid thing I've ever said was said when I was drunk. It puts me in a vile mood sometimes.

Take your friends advice and take it easy and stop worrying. I would go easy on the drink for a while as I think the alcohol may be adding to your worrying, its just not worth it.

Lou.m

Buteo Buteo wrote: »

Yeah, I've been acting like a bit of tit, alright. I just need to back off a bit. I'm far too possessive.

I'm completely useless at people skills and tend to rub people up the wrong way. I have tried to change myself over the past few months and learn to keep my mouth shut but that's easier said than done for me after a few pints. I am getting there though but I do have these relapses where I snap at someone, almost always after a few drinks. I always hate myself afterwards and feel like s**t for days. It's got so bad that I avoid other people. A number of strangers have asked me am I a guard. I don't know what that means but it doesn't sound good.

Maybe they think are an honest strong type??

I think it is really good you want to not mouth off and realizing it is an issue is the main thing. Lots of people go through life never admitting what they could improve on.

The drink situation is really weird. I think your friend overreacted to that. I can't think of a reason why. He should have left it between you and his GF. If it went down as you say and you had said to leave it then she gave you the money and you reluctantly but graciously accepted then I can't see why he has an issue or had an issue?

And friendships are quality not quantity the friend that is there when you are going through **** ...not the friend who is there days on end but then pisses off when the **** hits the fan. Friends should not be needy. And friends want other people to be happy. You and your friends need full lives with partners or hobbies etc.

Don't worry so much ...your mate obviously feels better about it now.

To be honest you all sound a bit over the top with the drama. You could all chill ..life has enough already.