What age is it appropriate to give seperate invites?

cactuspaw

OK, just wondering. I have received an invite to a family wedding. To the whole thing. Im 30. I'm single, and I'm invited as my parents guest/+1/the 3rd name on their invite. I dont live at home and I would usualy consider this is where the child is added, but I'm a bit old to be with my parents. Especialy as my siblings who are parnered off have received their own invites.

Just wondering what age is it appropriate for you to give a separate invite from the parents, and in terms of the single person at a family wedding, how do you manage that? always add a +1?

solerina

As someone who is recently married I would have put the names of some cousins on the same invite with their parents if they still lived at home (and actually were single, altho I hadn't thought of that bit until now) otherwise they got a separate invite to their address. It didn't even occur to me that anyone would be offended.

lazygal

We sent invites to all guests. My brother lived at home but he got his own invite. We only asked adults so wouldn't have treated adults as a "child" on a parent invite if that makes sense?

cactuspaw

I have been to a lot of family weddings and enjoyed all of them and usualy was invited on a family invite with the other siblings, but that was mostly when I was in school or college. Maybe its coz im at an age now when my firends are getting married and I notice more. If sombody is single in a group going to a family wedding is it normal to stick them on a invite with their parents? I would have always thought after a certain age your considered seperate, considering you will be staying away from them and traveling seperately.

mrsbyrne

My friend made her son and his brides invitations by hand. They were gorgeous but very fiddly to make. Long after she thought she was done family (the brides sisters mother etc) who didn't need invites were looking for their own invite for a keepsake. She got thoroughly fed up of making them in the end but it was worth it.
OP were the invitations either very expensive do you think or perhaps homemade?

rainbowtrout

cactuspaw wrote: »

OK, just wondering. I have received an invite to a family wedding. To the whole thing. Im 30. I'm single, and I'm invited as my parents guest/+1/the 3rd name on their invite. I dont live at home and I would usualy consider this is where the child is added, but I'm a bit old to be with my parents. Especialy as my siblings who are parnered off have received their own invites.

Just wondering what age is it appropriate for you to give a separate invite from the parents, and in terms of the single person at a family wedding, how do you manage that? always add a +1?

Not everyone gives a +1 automatically to single guests. Maybe your relations wanted to avoid giving out +1s by putting you on the invite with your parents and invite you as a group of 3 instead of your parents and you with a +1, as may have been your expectation based on your post.

That or they could have been lazy and just not bothered writing a separate invite. To be honest, I have no idea where half my cousins live so if I was getting married, I'd have to start ringing aunts/uncles for addresses or send all invites to the home house.

stinkle

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Not everyone gives a +1 automatically to single guests. Maybe your relations wanted to avoid giving out +1s by putting you on the invite with your parents and invite you as a group of 3 instead of your parents and you with a +1, as may have been your expectation based on your post.

This. Ive a young (early 20s) cousin who lives at home and as far as I'm aware is single. I felt mean sending her an invite just to her actually, and did want to avoid any +1 drama with her too. We don't have space and figured an invite just to her might be ambiguous. So one invitation was to all three.

In your case does your relative know your new address? I just sent a load of cousins invites to the family home address.

cactuspaw

stinkle wrote: »

This. Ive a young (early 20s) cousin who lives at home and as far as I'm aware is single. I felt mean sending her an invite just to her actually, and did want to avoid any +1 drama with her too. We don't have space and figured an invite just to her might be ambiguous. So one invitation was to all three.

In your case does your relative know your new address? I just sent a load of cousins invites to the family home address.

Relative, according to my parents, delivered all the invites for my siblings and the their partners and the one to me and my parents, by hand, to our home address. The couple getting married live across the road and although may not know our addresses, are pretty aware of the fact that none of us live at home and have not lived at home for at least 5 years. When I went to the hen I explained I had to come down for it, as I was never really at home.

As for the invites being hand made, I would be of that frame of mind of want to keep one as a keep sake. Its not that I didn't get a +1 or an extra person, its that I am independent of my parents, like my other siblings. I love the invitation part of the wedding, I've made invites for friends and know the stress of it. These invites weren't, but perhaps they had to keep to a budget on how many they could give out.

So Im just wondering now, since I am considered as my parents +1 do I still have to give a gift?

ElleEm

cactuspaw wrote: »

So Im just wondering now, since I am considered as my parents +1 do I still have to give a gift?

Was the invitation written to 'Cactus mam and Cactus dad + 1' or was it to 'Cactus mam, Cactus dad and Cactus Paw'?

Your nose certainly seems out of joint that you didn't get your own invite. Would you seriously not bring a present just because your name was not on it's very own piece of paper?

stinkle

That's a good question, and I'm not sure how to answer it. Are you annoyed that you didn't get a seperate invite? They genuinely might not have wanted to hurt your feelings by giving you an invite on your own. If your feelings are hurt anyway then that probably backfired, unfortunately.

The most likely thing is: they have a certain number of guests to invite, and would rather not have strangers there as if space is tight it might mean people they actually know can't be invited. Most couples aren't made of money, and some venues have max numbers that they can't go over even if money was no object. Therefore they don't want to be in a position where guests start asking if they can bring someone, so try to word invites as delicately but clearly as possible. By adding you to your parents one it means all three of you are equally invited, unfortunately for whatever reason they can't facilitate an additional person as a +1 for you.

Things like this also dictate how many invitations to make/order and that might have some bearing on their decision not to send you a seperate one. We sent invites to people in all sorts of permutations depending on their personal situation/how presumptuous they are about things (eg assuming their kids are invited, their boyfriend of one week is invited, that kind of thing - some folks really need stuff spelled out to them). Hopefully no one intended to upset you, these things are often hard to gauge

catallus

OP, these people are obviously basking in the warm glow of prenuptial bliss; they see any person who is single as being sub-human therefore they decided to put your name down on your parents' invite; I can imagine them laughing with each other as they wrote out the invites: "hahaaha" they would cackle, "wait until cactuspaw sees this!!!!"

There's only one thing for it, Cactuspaw; you must plan your sweet revenge. Flamethrowers were invented for this type of thing. Go for it! I direct you to the second episode of the eighth season of The Simpsons, "You Only Move Twice" which includes a tutorial on efficient flamethrowing:



And when the job is done you can sit back and bask in your own bliss, while listening to the wailing and gnashing of teeth of your tormentors!

You're welcome!

Dolbert

I put my cousins' names on their parents' invitations out of handiness as I'm sure is the case here. OP, your cousin was thoughtful enough to invite you but you're annoyed because it wasn't done in a manner to your liking? Just goes to show that when it comes to weddings, some people will get their noses out of joint over absolutely anything.

cactuspaw

Dolbert wrote: »

I put my cousins' names on their parents' invitations out of handiness as I'm sure is the case here. OP, your cousin was thoughtful enough to invite you but you're annoyed because it wasn't done in a manner to your liking? Just goes to show that when it comes to weddings, some people will get their noses out of joint over absolutely anything.

TBH, your right. We are all invited, we are all going and they are getting married to each other, so where peoples names are put on invites isn't really that big of a problem.

Mrs OBumble

Dolbert wrote: »

I put my cousins' names on their parents' invitations out of handiness as I'm sure is the case here. OP, your cousin was thoughtful enough to invite you but you're annoyed because it wasn't done in a manner to your liking? Just goes to show that when it comes to weddings, some people will get their noses out of joint over absolutely anything.

That's fine if ALL the cousins were treated that way. But in this case, the only one treated that way was the one who's not married.

TBH, my nose would be out of joint, too. Maybe not if I was only 20. But by 30, definitely. And even more if I had a long-term partner (who conceivably I had been with for longer that some of my sibilings had been married).

However I would get over it: life is too short to get stressed over other people's insensitivity.

If I had a partner who was not invited, then I probably wouldn't go to the wedding - 'cos with a full time job, you see little enough of them as it is.

If I was single, and could stomach a wedding, then I probably would go. But the gift would be an addon to my parents, not something just from me. So it would obviously be of a lower value overall.

Gatica

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Not everyone gives a +1 automatically to single guests. Maybe your relations wanted to avoid giving out +1s by putting you on the invite with your parents and invite you as a group of 3 instead of your parents and you with a +1, as may have been your expectation based on your post.

That or they could have been lazy and just not bothered writing a separate invite. To be honest, I have no idea where half my cousins live so if I was getting married, I'd have to start ringing aunts/uncles for addresses or send all invites to the home house.

Agree with this post. We invited some of the cousins on the parents invite, even though they may have lived separately or abroad. They're not settled enough anywhere for us to know where they will be at any particular time, so it was easier to invite them as a family.
We got presents from them separately (bought by their mother I'm sure though ), but it wouldn't have bothered us one way or another.
On the other hand, cousins living separately at own address with partner, we sent own invite. If one was single and we knew lived independently at a particular address we'd have sent own invite I think, but we didn't have anyone in that situation, so it's hard to say. I think that consideration whether one is being invited "alone" or without +1 may come into play.
We certainly didn't give random +1's to have random people at our wedding.

mrsbyrne

OP I do think it was very cackhanded of your cousin to just add you on to your parents invite. I know couples are finding the guest list very difficult. My cousin invited us to his wedding in March despite us not having met for 20 years. His father (my mothers brother) insisted that we be invited. Our 17 year old daughter was not included. There was then a torturous phone call from the uncle explaining that 2nd cousins weren't being asked blah blah blah. He was speechless when I told him that I had already e-mailed our regrets and that I couldn't understand why he would be inviting us, he (my cousin) hardly knew me and I felt he should have been inviting his friends and colleagues from work.my uncle seemed to have thought that we would be highly insulted if we weren't asked as they saw the wedding invites as being like Willy Wonka tickets.
You've been treated disrespectfully. Don't let it cause a problem between you and your cousin. The bride and groom have probably been fighting about the guest list for 6 months. Don't you start to off again!

kkcatlou

I agree that it's really disrespectful! I'd be insulted if it were me!! I'm sure they didn't mean to be offensive, but it is quite mean! Even if they didn't want to give you a +1, they could still have spared the couple of euro to send you an invite yourself, or if they were that tight, just add an extra invite to your parents envelope! I would definitely just add €50-70 to your parents present in that case!

I think the point here is your age. I don't know why, but if you were 20 or even 25, it would be grand, but at 30 it's treating you like a child.

We were wondering what to do in this instance regarding younger cousins, and as they all have brothers and sisters, we are thinking of putting two invites in the one envelope - one for parents, and one for the 2-3 younger cousins who still live at home/ in college. They are all 21 or younger though! Some have on/ off girlfriends, but it's hard to keep up, and to be honest, at that age, I think it's awkward bringing a girlfriend/ boyfriend to a family wedding!

robinph

Some people are far too sensitive.

The last cousins wedding I went to I'm not even sure if I got an actual paper invite, the parents told me when it was on, I hopped on a plane and went to the wedding. The parents may have got a paper invite with my name on, but really not worth the couples bother with trying to figure out where I lived at the time or paying the postage when they could just tell my parents to tell me. Trying to think back further and I'm pretty sure that I didn't even get an invite to my brothers wedding, I was just told when it was over the phone and expected to turn up.

Miaireland

cactuspaw wrote: »

OK, just wondering. I have received an invite to a family wedding. To the whole thing. Im 30. I'm single, and I'm invited as my parents guest/+1/the 3rd name on their invite. I dont live at home and I would usualy consider this is where the child is added, but I'm a bit old to be with my parents. Especialy as my siblings who are parnered off have received their own invites.

Just wondering what age is it appropriate for you to give a separate invite from the parents, and in terms of the single person at a family wedding, how do you manage that? always add a +1?

I am in the same boat as yourself and to be honest it doesn't bother me if my name is on my parents invite or if I get one on my own. I do assume if my name is on my parents wedding invite it is just me and no plus one.

rainbowtrout

Miaireland wrote: »

I am in the same boat as yourself and to be honest it doesn't bother me if my name is on my parents invite or if I get one on my own. I do assume if my name is on my parents wedding invite it is just me and no plus one.

Same here. I haven't lived at home for over 10 years, but my cousins only have a vague notion of what county I live in, let alone know my address. I've had my mother ring me on a couple of occasions to tell me I've been invited to a cousin's wedding and it's never once occurred to me to ask if I got a separate invite or was on a family one for any of them. I was invited, I'm not bothered what the format of the invite was. It'll only end up in the bin anyway.

faceman

I think you're looking at this the wrong way OP. Are you close to your cousins or is it a case you see them once a year or less at a family occasion?

It's got nothing to do with age. It's sounds like you aren't close to them and when compiling their wedding list the couple said "oh we must invite the cactuspaws". To them the cactuspaws are you and your folks. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Gatica

faceman wrote: »

To them the cactuspaws are you and your folks.

I think that's part of the issue here though, it's not just parents + cactuspaw = cactuspaws, it's parents + cactuspaws * x = cactuspaws. She's got siblings (x-1 number :P), who got separate invites. I can kind of understand feeling hurt at being treated differently because she's not married.

Boggley

We are sending out our invites in a few weeks time. I sometimes think people either forget or don't realise the expense of a wedding to the bride and groom.

In our case - we want our extended family there, but if we were to give all our single relatives a plus one we would then be forced to cut our own friends etc from the guest list in order to allow strangers attend our day!

So for us, coupled relatives will get a separate invite, those who are single will go on the family invite.

The way I see it is - if someone takes offence that's their problem, its not like they are going to have to sit in a corner alone, they will know the majority of people there.

From another perspective, would you expect to bring a friend to all family events (birthdays, funerals, family dinners etc) because you are single and your siblings are married. Why are weddings perceived so differently?

lazygal

Boggley wrote: »

We are sending out our invites in a few weeks time. I sometimes think people either forget or don't realise the expense of a wedding to the bride and groom.

Sometimes I think brides and grooms either forget or don't realise that just because they're getting married doesn't mean manners go out the window. The cost of getting married in Ireland is€200 and everything outside that is purely discretionary. We didn't treat adults as appendages of their parents and we don't expect to be treated like that ourselves.

Boggley

lazygal wrote: »

Sometimes I think brides and grooms either forget or don't realise that just because they're getting married doesn't mean manners go out the window. The cost of getting married in Ireland is€200 and everything outside that is purely discretionary. We didn't treat adults as appendages of their parents and we don't expect to be treated like that ourselves.

I was speaking more in terms of the plus one Lazygal - in that not every wedding party can afford to invite a plus one for every single person on the guest list.

I have been included on invites along with my parents and never even thought anything of it, we are a family. It has never offended me. I wouldn't have thought it would offend anyone.

lazygal

We treated adults as adults, not as children invited with their parents. The extra couple of Euro to send a separate invite didn't smash the budget.

miss no stars

Cripes,


Even as a kid I got my own invitation to family weddings! If your family is so big that you're inviting cousins you haven't seen in years and thus can't afford to send all of them their own invites, why on earth are you inviting all of them?! And if any of them get their noses out of joint about not being invited while other closer cousins do get invited, well let them have their noses out of joint - it's not like you see them regularly and have to deal with it! But treating a grown adult like a child living with their parents is ridiculous.


I think the correct thing to do would be to send cactuspaw her own invitation (she's 30 and hasn't lived with her parents for over 5 years ffs and the only reason she didn't get her own invite is she's single!). But giving someone their own invitation doesn't automatically grant +1 rights, just put a little note in it saying something like "Cactuspaw, we'd have loved to be in a position to put a +1 on your invite, but our budget and the size of the room mean that it just wasn't possible. I hope you understand and we sincerely hope you'll be able to join us on our big day. Lots of love, CactupawCousins".

Or here's a novel idea, send all the siblings the one invite. CactuspawParents get one, CactuspawSiblings get one.