I don't want to be my sisters bridesmaid - advice please!

magicmushroom

Hi all,

Just looking for some advice here regarding my sisters wedding next year, July 2015.

I'm from the UK but live over here permanently.
I got married myself in 2011 and asked her to be my bridesmaid which was the obvious thing as she is my sister.
It was only a small wedding but she done nothing at all to assist in the arrangements, not in a horrible way, just purely down to the fact that she was in another country.
I arranged my own hen, went to my dress fittings alone etc - it was fine but the only role she played was to look like a bridesmaid in the pictures!

Anyway - she is getting married now next year and she has asked me and her best friend to be bridesmaids.

Her friend is fantastic and doing lots for her, really involved and I'm over here feeling there's nothing I can do.
I've asked if I can help in anyway but No, it's fine - she's chosen the bridesmaids dresses, I'll be expected to go over for a weekend for a fitting at some stage nearer the time.
She is planning a weekend hen in Ibiza, again I'm not involved in the arrangements, her and her friend are doing it all.

My own marriage recently ended and I am now living alone, paying rent and bills etc by myself.

I can barely afford to save €50 a month at the moment, I'm so worried about having to come up with hundreds of € for a trip to Ibiza plus other wedding expenses.

I've told her I can't afford to go, hoping she would rethink the plans (weekend away somewhere in the UK maybe) but she just said oh sorry to hear that, if you can't come I totally understand.
I want to go though, I don't want to miss my only sisters hen.

Anyway, another point is I have also recently started seeing someone.
It's going well, 6 months nearly now and he's met her and my Mum, he will be invited to the wedding.
He won't know anyone though and if I'm bridesmaid I will be at the top table, leaving him with relatives he doesn't know.

I think it would be easier for both my sister and I if I wasn't bridesmaid - it would save her the cost of my dress, shoes etc and also save me having to go over for fittings, and take the guilt away of not doing my 'bridesmaid duties' - and I won't have to sit at the top table.
I can still help out on the day of course, just without all the frills and cost of having a title.

What are your thoughts?

What it all comes down at the end of it is possibly hurting my sister - I would hate to do that, she means the world to me, so I'd appreciate others views so I can decide whether to speak to her or just go with the flow and stay bridesmaid - and hope for a windfall between now and then!

Thanks

Milly33

Oh sounds like a tough one, but then it doesn't sound like it is much fun either being a bridemaid. Have you tried to just ask her outright, just explain it all to her. Not too that it might end up cheaper for you to be in the bridal party than out of it, that's if she is paying for the dress and shoes at least you wont have to worry about getting and outfit and you might get more freebies

I have asked my own sister (another to go) and wouldn't dream of doing anything that would put them out or put them to great expense, even at that she was on already saying that we could arrange it all around holidays next year so it is no extra cost. So not asking especially since there are only two or ye is a bit suss alright.

You can pull the other one too and just not go if you cant afford it, you have said it to her if she pipes up just let her off and say you did explain well in advance.

I get what you say with you new partner, congrats to you for that!! Hope his loverly and it works out for ye.

It does get a bit boring when the other half isn't there at functions but you could ask if he could be seated with you or you could sit with him instead. It is the norm to have all the wedding party at the top table, rightly it should be just family but anywho each to their own. One extra wont spoil the brew.

Addle

I don't see any good reason in your post not to be bridesmaid.

You can not go to the hen and still be bridesmaid. Did you really think they'd change plans just to suit you?

As for your boyfriend, he won't have to spend the whole wedding day without you, just ceremony, photos and maybe the meal.
As a mature person, he should be able manage that.
I've done it. If anything, it's a good way to meet people on the day.

_Whimsical_

I think Addle might have a point. It is unfortunate you have money troubles right now and that you'll be missing out on things you'd like to be part of, but you'll be missing the hen regardless of whether you are bridesmaid or not.If you go as a guest you'll need to buy your own dress and shoes which will be more expense. It sounds like your sister is being reasonable and not placing any demands on you. In years to come the memories of the day,the getting ready,the shared moments,the in jokes among the bridal party are the things you'll remember, not the inconveniences. Those memories will be precious to you both and last a lifetime. I think it'd be a shame to miss out.
As for your partner, hes bound to understand, and while hopefully you'll be together forever this time next year he might be someone you used to know, your sister will be your sister forever.

magicmushroom

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

I think Addle might have a point. It is unfortunate you have money troubles right now and that you'll be missing out on things you'd like to be part of, but you'll be missing the hen regardless of whether you are bridesmaid or not.If you go as a guest you'll need to buy your own dress and shoes which will be more expense. It sounds like your sister is being reasonable and not placing any demands on you. In years to come the memories of the day,the getting ready,the shared moments,the in jokes among the bridal party are the things you'll remember, not the inconveniences. Those memories will be precious to you both and last a lifetime. I think it'd be a shame to miss out.
As for your partner, hes bound to understand, and while hopefully you'll be together forever this time next year he might be someone you used to know, your sister will be your sister forever.

You're right - great post, thanks for the advice - guess I'll just have to cut back where I can between now and then and see what I can save.

Thanks for the advice girls, all much appreciated

coats

On the other side of it, if you really don't want to be bridesmaid, sit her down and tell her. Neither of my sisters wanted to be bridesmaid, and I wasn't in the least offended by that. They can both relax and enjoy the day without any of the stress

Birdie086

I am getting hitched New years eve coming, and we have decided that bridesmaids/groomsmen will not be at the top table, we will be splitting them up into two separate table with their partners, adjacent to the top table.

The simple reason being, all our bridesmaids/groomsmen are a collective whose partners may or may not know each other and at least one or two will not know anybody else at the party.

The other bonus is they can all relax once the meal starts and enjoy their day.

Your sister does not seem to placing any pressure on you in the build up to the actual day(similiar to what I am doing) so maybe you could suggest this table set up so your partner is not left with people he doesnt know.

_Whimsical_

Birdie086 wrote: »

I am getting hitched New years eve coming, and we have decided that bridesmaids/groomsmen will not be at the top table, we will be splitting them up into two separate table with their partners, adjacent to the top table.

.

I think that's a much nicer idea. The whole notion of a top table is very dated and a bit awkward,who wants to be the focus of attention up on a pedestal while you eat your dinner? I definitely would follow your lead on that.

Andiewoo

I think you need to be bridesmaid,if my sister wiggled out of being my bmaid I'd be devestated... Your partner will be fine its not about you or him it's about your sister..
She's your sister..... Time to be selfless...

GarIT

Is it not the done thing that all your travel expenses and stuff are paid if you're a bridesmaid.

clint_silver

GarIT wrote: »

Is it not the done thing that all your travel expenses and stuff are paid if you're a bridesmaid.

It's not really a done thing. It's a thing that can be done. No more then it's a done thing that the brides father pays for the wedding.

GarIT

clint_silver wrote: »

It's not really a done thing. It's a thing that can be done. No more then it's a done thing that the brides father pays for the wedding.

That strange, personally I'd be embarrassed if the bridesmaids or groom'smen were asked to pay for anything.

clint_silver

GarIT wrote: »

That strange, personally I'd be embarrassed if the bridesmaids or groom'smen were asked to pay for anything.

As a groomsman I'd expect the suit hire and dinner on the day. That's it. Anything else is completely discretionary and unless the B&g are very well off (which most people aren't) I'd point blank refuse. Each to their own though.
My point is there's no done thing, just things that are done.

mrsbyrne

Not really on topic, sorry, but I'm interested to see that in the US the bridesmaid pay for their own frocks despite having little or no say in style, colour etc. And the grooms family make a contribution towards the flowers. Once again, things that are done.

cactusgal

I'm American and have never heard of the groom's family contributing towards the flowers? Very true though that bridesmaids in the USA have to pay for absolutely everything. Which is why so many American brides have 4-6 bridesmaids, sometimes more. Because the bridesmaids pay for themselves and it can get very pricey!

mrsbyrne

cactusgal wrote: »

I'm American and have never heard of the groom's family contributing towards the flowers? Very true though that bridesmaids in the USA have to pay for absolutely everything. Which is why so many American brides have 4-6 bridesmaids, sometimes more. Because the bridesmaids pay for themselves and it can get very pricey!

I got that info from the Judge Judy show! Maybe the flowers bit is a Jewish tradition. Fascinating about the bridesmaids though.

amdublin

Andiewoo wrote: »

I think you need to be bridesmaid,if my sister wiggled out of being my bmaid I'd be devestated... Your partner will be fine its not about you or him it's about your sister..
She's your sister..... Time to be selfless...

Really

If my sister really didn't want to do it, I'd prefer her not to do it. Who wants your sister doing something they don't want to do?? She's your sister... time to be selfless...

Sulla Felix

Addle wrote: »

I don't see any good reason in your post not to be bridesmaid.

You can not go to the hen and still be bridesmaid. Did you really think they'd change plans just to suit you?

As for your boyfriend, he won't have to spend the whole wedding day without you, just ceremony, photos and maybe the meal.
As a mature person, he should be able manage that.
I've done it. If anything, it's a good way to meet people on the day.

This. Adults can actually talk to other adults.

At my cousins wedding before christmas, they split all the cliques up. I knew exactly one person at my table of twelve ( who was at the other end of a square table so not exactly within gossip range! ) The woman to my left was the wife of someone at a completely different table etc etc.

Everyone bitched when they saw the plan, then proceeded to have a ball of a time with all their new friends. Best wedding I've been to and the seating played a large part in it.

tinkerbell

Sulla Felix wrote: »

This. Adults can actually talk to other adults.

At my cousins wedding before christmas, they split all the cliques up. I knew exactly one person at my table of twelve ( who was at the other end of a square table so not exactly within gossip range! ) The woman to my left was the wife of someone at a completely different table etc etc.

Everyone bitched when they saw the plan, then proceeded to have a ball of a time with all their new friends. Best wedding I've been to and the seating played a large part in it.

What a horrible thing for the bride and groom to do - I actually think that is very childish - invite people to a wedding and split them up so they are forced to mingle. You're not a child being encouraged to make new friends in school.

Back to the OP - you don't need to go to the hen. If you can't afford to do so, just tell her. She'll understand. I think it's very selfish of you to think she's change her hen plans just to suit you - she is the bride, it's her hen, not yours.

Regarding your new partner, he'll only be sitting away from you at the meal. He'll manage. Unless you suggested that you don't sit at the top table for the meal and instead sit with your partner.

amdublin

Sulla Felix wrote: »

This. Adults can actually talk to other adults.

At my cousins wedding before christmas, they split all the cliques up. I knew exactly one person at my table of twelve ( who was at the other end of a square table so not exactly within gossip range! ) The woman to my left was the wife of someone at a completely different table etc etc.

Everyone bitched when they saw the plan, then proceeded to have a ball of a time with all their new friends. Best wedding I've been to and the seating played a large part in it.

This has to be a wind up post.

Jesus it's hard enough doing a seating plan without adding to the work "by splitting all the cliques up".

And at weddings I don't think they are "cliques", eh more "your friends".

Typer Monkey

Sulla Felix wrote: »

This. Adults can actually talk to other adults.

At my cousins wedding before christmas, they split all the cliques up. I knew exactly one person at my table of twelve ( who was at the other end of a square table so not exactly within gossip range! ) The woman to my left was the wife of someone at a completely different table etc etc.

Everyone bitched when they saw the plan, then proceeded to have a ball of a time with all their new friends. Best wedding I've been to and the seating played a large part in it.

I would absolutely hate if this was inflicted on me. Forced to make small talk with people I don't know while all the people I do know are dotted around the room making small talk with strangers...why would you do this to your guests???

Christ I hope this never becomes a 'thing'

mrsbyrne

Typer Monkey wrote: »

I would absolutely hate if this was inflicted on me. Forced to make small talk with people I don't know while all the people I do know are dotted around the room making small talk with strangers...why would you do this to your guests???

Christ I hope this never becomes a 'thing'

Oh its a thing alright and its well intentioned if a little misguided. Power crazed brides and grooms think if they force "desegregation" (if you will) on the two seperate sets of parents and friends , and make them eat together then they will all emerge bosum buddies for life, one huge united happy family.Fat chance.

Sunny Dayz

mrsbyrne wrote: »

Oh its a thing alright and its well intentioned if a little misguided. Power crazed brides and grooms think if they force "desegregation" (if you will) on the two seperate sets of parents and friends , and make them eat together then they will all emerge bosum buddies for life, one huge united happy family.Fat chance.

We actually did something like this at our wedding. We didn't split partners up but we mixed up the various sides of the families. It worked for us cos my husbands family are 3 hours away from my family and it was a good way to get the families together. We had relatives afterwards saying I met so and so from the other family at our table they were lovely etc etc and I found that it did get them talking. Even mixing it so that both sides of my parents families were together, some of them haven't seen one another since my parents wedding or our communion/confirmation! It might not work for everyone but it worked for us.

Sunny Dayz

Getting back to the OP's post.

You state when you got married your sister had no input other than standing in for photos. You did all the work. Now the tables have turned, she is getting married and all your input will be is standing in for photos but you don't seem happy about this. I think you are just annoyed that you have no input in her wedding. She had no input into yours, was she annoyed also?

In relation to your partner, the wedding isn't until next year, he will surely know some more of your family by then. I was with my partner about the same length of time when he was best man for his brother and I hardly saw him all weekend but I got on well with his family and they were great company.

ronjo

Sunny Dayz wrote: »

We actually did something like this at our wedding. We didn't split partners up but we mixed up the various sides of the families. It worked for us cos my husbands family are 3 hours away from my family and it was a good way to get the families together. We had relatives afterwards saying I met so and so from the other family at our table they were lovely etc etc and I found that it did get them talking. Even mixing it so that both sides of my parents families were together, some of them haven't seen one another since my parents wedding or our communion/confirmation! It might not work for everyone but it worked for us.

Maybe they were just being nice.
It does seem a little strange to me but at least you didnt split partners up. Thats totally crazy.

kkcatlou

ronjo wrote: »

Maybe they were just being nice.
It does seem a little strange to me but at least you didnt split partners up. Thats totally crazy.

That was the norm up until a few years ago, and is definitely coming back in again. The best weddings I've been to are the ones who did this! You get to mix with new people, chat about the couple, and it breaks the ice.

Flippyfloppy

kkcatlou wrote: »

That was the norm up until a few years ago, and is definitely coming back in again. The best weddings I've been to are the ones who did this! You get to mix with new people, chat about the couple, and it breaks the ice.

Jeez. Our wedding was a distance away for our guests, every one of them had to travel. They all went to expense to go to it, they all have kids etc and had gone to effort to get sitters, there was no way we would have dreamed of splitting groups or families up.

Definitely , at a wedding, sitting beside new people can be ok because you make the best of what you have, but I'd choose my family/social group any day!

robinph

ronjo wrote: »

Maybe they were just being nice.
It does seem a little strange to me but at least you didnt split partners up. Thats totally crazy.

Splitting couples up would be odd, but sounds much more interesting to have the normal social groups mixed up a bit with a couple of people from one part of your life on each table chatting to someone they've not met before. It's only for a couple of hours whilst people are sat down eating anyway, not like they are forcing you together for the whole day.

Family weddings I've been to though the various bits of family have usually ended up sat together, but then we only see each other once every year or so anyway. But when going to friends weddings it's more common to be split up from the usual groups a bit.

Gatica

Yes, it's very common. I don't like it personally. Sure, you make the best of the situation and make small talk to the randomer sitting beside you for the 3 hours (sure only dinner, but still 3 hours!), and find out how they know the B&G, and then once that's over you still go back and talk to your friends and never see that random person again. No one is going to tell you to your face they didn't like your seating arrangements.

It's only a good idea splitting up groups of friends where you'll benefit someone else who might not know many at the wedding by sitting them beside a couple of your fun and outgoing mates. That way at least you're spreading the "fun".

I don't mind as much when they're mixing up groups in lots of 4-6, but definitely don't want to be sitting at a table of strangers. Then I guess it's luck of the draw who ends up beside someone they don't know... It's a social occasion at the end of the day, not a lesson in sociability.