Depression & An Angry Boyfriend

LegacyUser

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We used to be so happy, but it feels like we will never be happy again.

During the recession, I kept my job, I took lots of paycuts and there wasn't an opportunity to progress, but I kept it and it was something to be proud of (they made others redundant but I work hard and I was valued enough to be kept). A small achievement in my life. It is still very badly paid but I like what I do.

My boyfriend lost his job, I supported him financially and emotionally. He now has a good, well paid job. He never stops giving out to me about my job though. He feels that I am a failure because I am not well paid and I don't work for a big organisation like him. He told me that I fail to use my talents to progress and he rants and rants about how we will never be able to do nice things because I am not well paid. He wants me to quit my job and find another well paid one, but I work in a niche industry so this means leaving what I am interested in and studies for years behind for a job that pays more but I don't think I would like.

I am depressed, I cry everyday. I live with him and dread any questions about my day because it leads to a rant from him. I feel so isolated and alone. He used to be my best friend but now I feel like he is just a bully. He ranted at me for hours last night about how I am wasting my life and bringing down the quality of his. He says that he wants me to be happy, but I don't think so.

This morning he told me to go to the doctor and sort myself out. He doesn't see any connection between his behavior and my sadness though. He says that he has to be cruel to be kind, but it feels to me like he has a bad day at work and comes home and takes it out on me. He says that I always complain about work, but I don't mention it at all because I am afraid of the explosion.

I can't stop crying and I constantly feel anxious and sad. I don't know what to do. I used to feel like I wasn't a roaring success but not a failure but he has made it clear that I am a failure. I don't think that I will ever live up to his expectations. He saya that work has made me depressed, that I have no hopes or dreams anymore, but I feel that I used to be youthfully optimistic about it all and that I just grew up a bit.

My life just seems such a mess, I am on a very low wage and have been for years, but I enjoy my work. My boyfriend is constantly angry and resentful and I just can't deal with it. I wish that I just went to sleep and never woke up again. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

ViveLaVie

Wow. I'm shocked just reading this post. Firstly, know that you have no reason to doubt your value and the worth in your job. I say fair play for doing what you love. Very commendable.

You looked out for your boyfriend and supported him when he needed it but he seems to be destroying hour self-esteem. He is emotionally abusive towards you. I think you should leave him.

Hugs op.

retro:electro

He is an abusive bully and you need to break up with him. He can have whatever lifestyle he wishes then.

ahnow

Op, you've mentioned several times in your post that you enjoy the work you do, and that you're proud of the work you do, and that you were kept on because you were such a good worker. That's nothing to be put down about. I think you've had to listen to your boyfriend go on horrible abusive rants so much that you're actually starting to believe him. The only person making you feel bad about it is the very person that should be supporting you.
You deserve better than that ****. If you're so terrible then why is he still with you? Your boyfriend is an asshole, and you can clearly do so so much better for yourself, and he hates that. He's nothing but a bully.
Don't listen or believe him.
Dump him!

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend loves money and status more than he loves you. To him will always be second best. None of this is your fault.

You are not a failure. This is his problem, he is the one with the issues. Anyone who judges their worth or others' worth by social status or career sucess or how much money they make, is a seriously desperately insecure person.

He is abusive and controlling, a nasty piece of work and your relationship is toxic.
The one shinning light in all this is that you thankfully saw his true colours before you married him or had children with him. You have a chance to escape, take it. You've wasted years on this loser, don't waste anymore. Leave him now before he destroys you.

Alf. A. Male

You sure you're depressed? 'coz it sounds like you're stuck with an asshole boyfriend. The kindest I could say about it is that he wants better for you but is going about it all the wrong way, but I suspect that's being too kind to him.

jellyboy

Hi op

its one side of the story that you are telling
I'm sure his side has a balance to your post

i remember breaking up years ago from a beautiful person
and in my eyes it was all her fault ,to my friends and anybody that would listen
She done this and she done that..i painted a horrible picture

years later i met her and finally had to admit to myself , i was the one who was a knob head ,but through my own pain ,couldn't see what i was doing and saying ..

it reads like you want to end it ,but don't know how
that your justifying it by his faults

if that is the case ,and you don't want to be with him
make it quick and easy

Merkin

You need to dump your boyfriend. The anxiety and sadness will go if you cut him out of the equation, he is not being cruel to be kind, he is just being cruel.

Stavro Mueller

OP - your post made me feel sad and angry. No wonder you're in bits - even the most confident of people would be shattered if they had to put up with the barrage of abuse you've been facing into. Is he bullying you like this because he's not getting his way? Here is one of many websites out there that list the signs of emotional abuse. Are these ringing bells for you?

Thinking back -did your boyfriend ever show signs of being domineering or cruel before this I'm wondering is this an escalation of what was lurking in the background before this? I'm also curious to know why you don't have anyone to turn to? Did you have friends before you got together with him? Have you family? When he goes off on these rants have you ever told him to stop? Are you afraid of him? Are you afraid of being on your own?

Legs.Eleven

OP, you can´t stay with someone who brings out these emotions in you. Your relationship should be your safe, positive and supportive place because the world is hard enough. Your partner should be the one person on your side or what´s the point of it all? You´ll make yourself sick being so upset like that so much. It´s not good for mental of physical health.


Keeping your job in a crisis and doing something you love really is something to be proud of; very few people are in your shoes. Don´t let the constant nagging and belittling from your boyfriend make you believe anything different.

You need to get away from this relationship.

Soft Falling Rain

Get the **** away from that man right now.

Sorry to be blunt op, but he sounds like a horrible person. I'm speechless after reading that.

LegacyUser

jellyboy wrote: »

Hi op

its one side of the story that you are telling
I'm sure his side has a balance to your post

i remember breaking up years ago from a beautiful person
and in my eyes it was all her fault ,to my friends and anybody that would listen
She done this and she done that..i painted a horrible picture

years later i met her and finally had to admit to myself , i was the one who was a knob head ,but through my own pain ,couldn't see what i was doing and saying

Wow just wow. His side of the story is irrelevant. The example you've given is worlds apart from the OP, the behaviour the OP has described is mentally and emotionally abusive(the fact you can't see that is worrying tbh). There is no excuse for abuse. No matter what the OP has done no one ever ever ever deserves to be abused in a relationship. No matter what his side of the story there is absolutely no excuse (or "balance" as you put it) for emotionally abusing someone, no one ever brings abuse upon themselves and to suggest so is quite frankly disgusting.

No one has to be cruel to be kind. The only thing you need to be kind is kindness.

He's making you miserable, you deserve happiness.

Daisy78

So your job (and money) were good enough for him when he was out of work but not now when he wants to keep up with the Jonses?!! Well good for bloody him.

What would happen if he lost his job tommorrow....would he be happy enough to rely on your income to support both of you if that were to happen? He sounds like a total snob OP, one that puts status and wealth before his partners happiness. To me he sounds like a very insecure individual who needs to have all the boxes ticked in order to have what he considers to be a happy life. For me this would be a red flag in a relationship, his nitpicking of your career choice could in the future very well extend to other areas of your life that he doesn't approve of. What do you do then? Do you try and fix those "problems" to keep him happy? And the fact that he is so shortsighted as not to see why you would be feeling so miserable just makes the whole thing worse. It would be one thing if you were actually unhappy with your career choice and looking to him for advice on what to do but you've made it clear that your job gives you a lot of satisfaction so case closed.

Be proud of how you have conducted yourself, you seem like a very caring and reliable lady with your head screwed on. Just a pity your boyfriend doesn't appreciate that.

Tigger99

Your post made me sad before I even started reading about your boyfriends behaviour. Talking about having a job that you are proud of being a small achievement of keeping it through the recession. That is not small OP.

You sound broken. Broken down by constantly having to defend yourself. Can you stay with family or friends for a few nights? You don't have to make any decisions now about your relationship. Breaking up is hard enough without your self confidence already having been reduced to so little. It is scary but take it one day at a time.

Mind yourself. And you will get through this because your confidence might be eroded but you have an inner strength that will get you through this. Huge hugs.

LegacyUser

From what you have told us your boyfriend sounds like a horrible person.

I am sure he was not complaining when your job was supporting him after he lost his job.
Along with this you give him emotional support when he was out of work.
I have to be honest hear he has some nerve complaining to you about your job, your lack of ambition and the fact that your lack of income is now holding you both back.

At this stage I the next time he fights with your about changing your job I would remind him that it was lucky you kept your job when he lost his. I would tell him that you are not leaving your job but you are leaving him.

Why should you stay with a man who has so little regard for you. You deserve to be with a man who treats you with some respect not with a man who uses you when he hits a bad patch and then belittles you after this.

RossFixxxed

Sometimes there can be a reaction on here to say dump him. So I came on to address that, I've sat staring at the screen blankly trying to think of ONE reason not to dump him and I can't. Dump him.

Finding pride and happiness in your job is a wonderful, and sadly rare thing. It's really important to you and your self worth. It's a fragile thing. I read the first part thinking "I wish I could find meaning like that." And then the description of how you feel and how he is acting started. It's absolutely emotioinal abuse at this point and you need to get away from that. Cruel to be kind is being harsh when you are doing something reckless/dangerous/bad for you, not when you are doing something you love that doesn't earn him enough money, that is beneath contempt. You deserve FAR better.

Banjoxed

So So Sad wrote: »

I have been with my boyfriend for years. We used to be so happy, but it feels like we will never be happy again.

During the recession, I kept my job, I took lots of paycuts and there wasn't an opportunity to progress, but I kept it and it was something to be proud of (they made others redundant but I work hard and I was valued enough to be kept). A small achievement in my life. It is still very badly paid but I like what I do.

My boyfriend lost his job, I supported him financially and emotionally. He now has a good, well paid job. He never stops giving out to me about my job though. He feels that I am a failure because I am not well paid and I don't work for a big organisation like him. He told me that I fail to use my talents to progress and he rants and rants about how we will never be able to do nice things because I am not well paid. He wants me to quit my job and find another well paid one, but I work in a niche industry so this means leaving what I am interested in and studies for years behind for a job that pays more but I don't think I would like.

I am depressed, I cry everyday. I live with him and dread any questions about my day because it leads to a rant from him. I feel so isolated and alone. He used to be my best friend but now I feel like he is just a bully. He ranted at me for hours last night about how I am wasting my life and bringing down the quality of his. He says that he wants me to be happy, but I don't think so.

This morning he told me to go to the doctor and sort myself out. He doesn't see any connection between his behavior and my sadness though. He says that he has to be cruel to be kind, but it feels to me like he has a bad day at work and comes home and takes it out on me. He says that I always complain about work, but I don't mention it at all because I am afraid of the explosion.

I can't stop crying and I constantly feel anxious and sad. I don't know what to do. I used to feel like I wasn't a roaring success but not a failure but he has made it clear that I am a failure. I don't think that I will ever live up to his expectations. He saya that work has made me depressed, that I have no hopes or dreams anymore, but I feel that I used to be youthfully optimistic about it all and that I just grew up a bit.

My life just seems such a mess, I am on a very low wage and have been for years, but I enjoy my work. My boyfriend is constantly angry and resentful and I just can't deal with it. I wish that I just went to sleep and never woke up again. I don't know what to do or where to turn.

I lived in that situation and it nearly crushed my spirit. Only solution was to leave.

MugMugs

So So Sad wrote: »

He ranted at me for hours last night about how I am wasting my life and bringing down the quality of his.

Well show him the door and tell him to enjoy his quality lifestyle and remind him how you looked after and supported him when he was jobless and living off the state.