Girlfriend can't disconnect from intense job

LegacyUser

Ok I have a real problem. This is probably going to get bumped into the relationship section and if you feel that’s what’s justified then fine.

Right here is my problem. I am currently going out with a recently graduated psychologist (master’s degree)
She works in schools dealing with difficult children who have difficult backgrounds.
I am so proud of her, she does **** I can't even begin to think about.

However, she comes from a VERY upper class family, I come from a very working class family. My childhood was horrendous. I grew up in the 1980s in Dublin the child of mixed religion family in one of the poorest areas of the city. I have fought long and hard to get away from that world and as such I have asked her to talk to her psychology friends about the horrible stories she hears from her clients.

At first they were just unpleasant stories about asshole families. However now they have veered towards her having a client whom she feels is being sexually abused. As a freshly graduated student she does not have the mental faculties to disengage with the situation. She has told the principle and her supervisor but she still comes home and freaks out at me. She is drinking to the point where I can't deal with her.

she I freaking out at me because I don't want to hear about it and I know I sound like a callous asshole but in fact I just can't. She chose a career where **** like this was a possibility and I didn't exactly because when I hear a story like that I just want to kill the person involved.

She just shouts at me about how my life choices are childish and how my career is bull****.

I just can't deal with hearing stories like that and she can't stop getting angry with me because I want to be kept out of it.

I feel like an absolute piece of **** because there is NOTHING I can do. But this means nothing to her. She just wants to be angry with someone and this is not the first time it’s blown up in my face.

We are meant to be emigrating to Canada in about 4 months I have no idea what to do.

Help!

R.D. aka MR.D

Have you tried talking to her about it in neutral location during the weekend?
So not at home right after work.

Tell her your concerns and let her know how much it is bothering you.

Maybe she needs some support from a fellow professional or a mentor or something like that.

You say that you don't want to listen to her and that is fair but have you sat her down and explained why you don't want to. Maybe your approach when she begins to talk about it puts her defenses up. It can be very difficult to be in a relationship when you think the other person doesn't care about your worries.

Chara1001

Hi Op,

I have a lot of friends who are clinical psychologists and work with people who have been in the worst situations imaginable- sexual abuse, torture victims etc.... this work can take a toll on them, and it's preferred that they attend psychologists themselves at times. Every single one of them does this.
Your gf should be developing in this area, she should be aware that she will be affected at times, and she must take the necessary steps to protect herself. Doing what she's doing to you is completely wrong- you don't have to come home and listen to this, and she shouldn't require you to- or punish you for not doing it.
Having said that, it sounds to me that clinical work mightn't be the right path for her- maybe she should go down the route of a research psychologist (not as much client to professional face to face work). She has still a lot of study ahead of her to become a psychologist, as I believe she needs a PhD, but she really needs to figure out if she can handle the therapy side of things. She's got to realize that she can't help people if she can't deal with what she's told.

Merkin

She simply cannot bring her work home with her to that extent.If she is drinking to excess and coming home and being aggressive then she herself needs psychological help as a matter of priority.

strobe

She sounds like quite a selfish... so and so, tbh.

Taking stuff out in you, outright insulting you, demanding you act as her counseler while she gets hammered drunk...

I get she has quite a stressful and emotionally difficult job but so do thousands of people... they don't all come home and treat their partner like crap as a result of it...

Is it just in relation to her job stuff she is like this? Is she controlling in general?

I dunno... If it was me I'd be sitting her down over the weekend, when she hasn't been drinking, and spell it out straight. Tell her her behaviour was completely out of order and leave her in no doubt that next time she took her issues out on me in the way she has been it'd be the last time we spoke. That's all the advice I can come up with really, don't make excuses for her assholeness for her, her job doesn't in any way justify or excuse her behaviour.

I know people don't like ultimatums in here and normally I don't either but I think its perfectly applicable here. She cops the **** on, with the help of counselling or whatever else she needs, or you leave her.

moochers

Hi OP

I come from a social work background so I can understand that some of the cases can be very difficult. However, that is the nature of the work and your gf would have being aware of this when making her career choice.

A huge part of social work/psychological training is supervision and self care so that the practitioner develops the necessary skills to counsel a client properly and ethically. When a practitioner becomes too involved and affected by the cases it is very difficult for them to do their job properly.

One of the most important aspects of your gf's job is confidentiality so it is actually very unprofessional of her to go home and discuss her cases with you. The cases should be only discussed at work with her colleagues who are involved in the cases and that's it.
The fact that your gf is drinking in order to cope with the stress is worrying, so she needs to go to counseling.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Your GF should be getting proper supervision to help her with these issues and given her emotional state at the moment, I'm guessing this is not being provided. Unless she is an educational psychologist she is not a trained therapist with a masters degree. She is in an exceedingly difficult situation if she does not have the skills and resources to manage the current situation

As other posters have said, if she wants to continue to work in this area without such negative consequences she needs to get professional support. If this support is not being provided in her job then she needs to seek it externally. It will help her understand her current situation and helps her manage the emotional baggage attached. Personal development is part of professional development.

The current situation is not fair on you and it's not healthy for her.

Cyclepath

OP, Counsellors and psychotherapists (and in some cases, Social Workers) are required to undergo a process called 'Supervision' where they talk to peers about their caseload and how it's affecting them. They are also obliged to seek personal therapy on a regular basis.

For some strange reason, Psychologists are not required to do this! Or rather the societies and organisations to which they are affiliated do not make it a pre-requisite for accreditation. Perhaps this is a form of academic snobbery... However it doesn't negate the fact that anyone dealing with this sort of caseload is obliged on a moral and personal basis to first of all ensure their own mental health.

It's time you drew a line in the sand. Nobody likes an ultimatum, but this situation requires one...

stargazer 68

Op you are emigrating in 4 months so she will be leaving this job behind. Is she going to do the same type of work in Canada? Can you see yourself hanging on in there for 4 months in the hope that it will be different when you leave the country?

skooterblue2

I used to live with a Child Protection Officer. I never heard the stories but I knew somedays when she came home to meet her with a cup of herbal tea at the door and say absolutely nothing and let her be ALONE. She told me all these "brand new kids fresh out of college and trying to change the world would burn out fairly fast". there is only so much you can do where you are working with families with generations of abuse and you cant fix then 2 hours a week over 6 months. She see the mechanics of all the problems and doesnt have the resources, co-operation of the family or a competent system with supports to fix it.

She is on a fast track railed to a complex break down, this is inevitable unless she learns to disengage. She needs to learn to stop work at 4:45 and learn the skill of admitting to the failure of the system. I think a lot of elements are going to conspire against her. The alcohol, the system, lack of proper supervision and her own mental health are showing signs of stress. You either need to get these supports in place or get ready when these structures fail which Imagine they will in a very short period of time.

Or you may decide that you may not be able to help her and you may have to look after your own health foremost. I dont feel I have the experience nor the full story to advise you what to do.

moochers

You mentioned that your gf works in schools dealing with children from difficult backgrounds, I really do not mean to be flippant but teachers have to deal with cases such as these on a daily basis. Teachers main priority is to educate so very often they get very little training re: child protection however they are often the first people to identify and report child abuse/neglect cases. Furthermore they are very often the first people that a child may confide in. Of course, it is natural to be upset and horrified about such cases but a teacher not only has to deal with it, they then have to put it aside to concentrate on teaching the class.

You're gf does not have that added pressure at the moment. But the likelihood is that she may well end up working in a high security unit where there are very damaged children from dysfunctional backgrounds. How will she cope then. I know you mentioned the fact that she is a new graduate and comes from an affluent background but this is irrelevant in my opinion. You are either suited to a job or you are not and clearly your gf is struggling. A psychologists role is to provide therapy to clients who have personal issues/crisis. If she was not aware that she would be dealing with such issues then I must say she was very naive.

If I needed help and had trust in confiding with a psychologist and then found out they were going home getting hammered drunk and blabbing my innermost secrets I would be horrified. Your'e gf needs to seek professional support asap, if she cannot cope and is taking it out on you, how can she then expect to provide safe, ethical and productive therapy to her clients.

lovelystuff

I work as a psychologist myself (completed a doctorate which is essential to work in nearly all fields of psychology) and can honestly say I am horrified that she would come home and speak about client cases in such detail. That is completely unethical, and stories like this are unfortunately what put people off speaking to psychologists in the first place. For ethical and insurance purposes all psychologists must undergo adequate supervision to deal with issues like this. Not go home and blab to their other half! Best of luck op, not an easy situation to deal with.

iusedtoknow

my wife is a doctor and deals with a lot of awful horrible things on a day to day basis. She's finally in her specialty, but when she rotated through ER she saw things that she simply was not prepared for, especially here in the US (she initially trained in Spain, where she had heard about gunshots in theory, but had never seen in real life).

Her hospital have counsellors on site 24/7 specifically for doctors to talk to after their shifts if they need to..so that they don't bring their work home mentally. She also takes her oath and confidentiality agreements very seriously.

It is sort of weird if I meet her for dinner and her colleagues are there, as I can tell that they want to discuss thing together to decompress, but can't as I am there. There are things my wife sees and does on a day to day basis that she simply cannot discuss with me. Sometimes when she comes home, she will literally go to the fridge, get a drink and go into our study room for an hour to decompress, then come out without a bother on her - she needs that hour.

In short...your GF may not be up to the job that she is in - and this is not her fault. It sounds like she is not being properly supervised. Canada fortunately is slightly more set up for mentoring and supervision. Maybe it will be better for her to go, but you also have got to make sure she understands what your limits are and why.

December2012

I echo all the other posts above.

The only thing I'll add is that it is bang out of order for her to berate your career and to keep being snobby about your different occupations.

She's not god.

ElleEm

The first thing to address is the fact that her stress levels do not give her to right to talk to you like she has been doing. Her behaviour is not on, and you need to talk to her about this.

She clearly has a huge problem in managing her own stress levels, so maybe suggest ways of easing this, like meditation or exercise.

On the work thing- well, this really concerns me. I have a background in working with at risk kids, I am sure I have heard the same stories as your girlfriend, and I KNOW it is not easy. Your girlfriend is clearly not receiving adequate supervision and support from her superiors, and this HAS to be addressed. The fact that she is breaching confidentiality and struggling at home could be very damaging to her clients. She will also burn herself out professionally, damage her relationship (with you and others) and self medicating with alcohol may lead to dependency issues. Fair play to you for seeking advice, but I would urge you to talk about this sooner rather than later.

Semele

It's not entirely clear what the OPs girlfriends job is, but she's not a fully qualified psychologist! It's a doctoral level qualification (or in some fairly rare routes to professional practice, a masters followed by further intensive training) which there is no mention of her having. There are many jobs like this that take psychology graduates in support work type roles (I've done years in various ones myself) and there is really no formal requirement for the staff in these roles to have regular supervision, or even much on the job training (which is essential IMO, as a psychology degree is an academic course and doesn't teach the clinical skills required to work safely with people in need).

I think it's shocking that organisations can let people go into jobs like this with so little support, as it can be a huge shock to the system for someone who hasn't encountered the types of issues that they will have to deal with. However, it is unfortunately a very under regulated area. A qualified psychologist has to have regular supervision, however this is a requirement of the professional registration. Psychology graduates in support type roles are not registered with a professional body and as such aren't entitled to much guidance. Some employers are ethical and care about the needs of their staff (not to mention their clients, who rely on staff being fit to practice safely) and some are not. It sounds like your girlfriend has been unlucky with this job. She really needs to consider:

A) reporting the abuse that she suspects. It doesn't matter if her manager doesn't take it seriously. A safeguarding issue can and should be raised by staff of any level. She can make an anonymous call to the police or social services, but it would be highly unethical to do nothing.

Seriously considering if that particular job is the right place for her. It sounds like an uncompassionate and fairly unethical organisation, in terms of how it supports and trains staff to work in difficult situations and with vulnerable people. If she genuinely has a passion for the work and wants to stay in the field, then she should look for a job that doesn't burn her out emotionally so much.

C) if she can't raise these issues safely in work (which should be the first port of call), and is unwilling to leave the job, then she needs to seek external supervision/counselling.

The whole situation just seems so uncontained and unsafe to me. Sadly it's not as uncommon as one might hope. I've had horrific jobs myself en route to my current role and have equally heard horror stories from friends in the same career path.

I'm not sure if we're allowed to link to other sites here (?) but I would suggest you get your girlfriend to check out a site called clinpsy.org.uk. It's a forum for qualified psychologists and psychology graduates in early career roles, and is a great source of support and advice on professional issues. I found it very useful at times in the absence of any supervision in some of my early jobs.

Soft Falling Rain

I also worked in social care OP, not the same as being a psychologist but both fields share a common principle; your self care is absolutely paramount to doing the job.

Your girlfriend needs to be sat down and told in no uncertain terms to get her head straight, because givem what you've described, not only is she doing damage to herself I also can't imagine she's doing her job anyway effectively.