Confused about relationship

LegacyUser

Hey Guys, I just need some advice on a relationship I'm currently in. I'm 28 year old male in a relationship the last 4 months with an amazing 33 year old woman. The problem I have (if you could call it that) is that she is madly in love with me and thinks I could be "the one", and she's said this on a number of occasions (although admittedly usually when there are a few drinks involved.

I'm thrilled and absolutely flattered by this but my problem is I'm not sure I feel as strongly about her as she does about me. I don't really believe in "one true love" but I do believe in compatibility, and I believe that we have great chemistry together and are a fantastic fit. I enjoy her company, she's funny, smart, beautiful and puts me at ease the way nobody else can. Being with her has been great for me and it's made me a stronger, more confident person. I've only known her a few months and she already knows more about me than my best friends of 10 years. I guess what I'm asking is is that enough of a basis for me to give this relationship a shot and see what happens? Or is it doomed to failure? I'm not as versed in relationships as she is and I don't want to hurt her the way she has been hurt in the past, I'm not sure she'd recover from it. It worries me greatly that I don't feel as strongly about her as she does about me. It worries me that I will end up hurting her in the future because I don't feel the same.

I never really questioned in much before, I know I feel strongly for her so I thought I'd play it by ear and see if that developed further but she's told me recently that she's had a bit of a bust up with one or two of her close friends (which she's greatly upset about) because they've questioned whether I've felt as strongly for her as she did for me, and whether or not I was liable to throw her on the scrap heap. I'd imagine they were a little more diplomatic than that but that's the jist of it. Hearing that made me question whether or not they might be right? and whether or not I should spare her before I really do damage. Would it be unfair to let it progress and see what happens? (Which is what I'd like to do)

Sorry about the long post. Any advice is much appreciated.

Humria

Hi OP,

I think it's admirable that you care so much about protecting her from future hurt but she is a grown woman and you need to treat her as such. Be honest with her and let her make the decision about whether she wants to continue the relationship.

Do you see a future with this woman? You don't need to "know that she is the one" but you need to feel that it's possible that she may be the woman you end up with. If you are certain that she isn't, you shouldn't pretend otherwise

If you see a future with her tell her what you've said here: that you feel strongly about her and that you want to be with her, that you see the possibility of a future with her but you are not as certain as she is yet about that future.

Everyone and every relationship is different, but for me, a few months is a really short time to be so certain, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

tcif

4 months is not enough time to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, which is what it sounds to me like you're trying to figure out. Your GF telling you you're "The One" might be flattering but it also seems to be putting you under pressure to reciprocate when the relationship is still in a very early stage. I love my partner madly and know I will gladly spend the rest of my life with them but that's 4 years in - if you asked me at 4 months the most I could honestly have said was that I'd never felt more for anyone and was happy and excited about where we were headed but we were still only starting on our journey - loving someone enough to know they're the one takes time!

If you say you have great chemistry and have fun together and bring out the best in each other then worrying about the relationship being doomed to failure because you're not sure about "the one" after only 4 months is wildly premature. You have to take the time to give it a go and see where it leads. My advice would be have a think and ask yourself do you feel that spark for her that says this could go somewhere? If you don't, walk away. If you do, talk to your GF and be honest about how you feel and where you're at, emotionally, at this stage of the relationship. If she's happy to keep going with that knowledge, stop worrying and enjoy your time together.

Merkin

The problem I have (if you could call it that) is that she is madly in love with me and thinks I could be "the one", and she's said this on a number of occasions (although admittedly usually when there are a few drinks involved.

It worries me greatly that I don't feel as strongly about her as she does about me. It worries me that I will end up hurting her in the future because I don't feel the same.

she's told me recently that she's had a bit of a bust up with one or two of her close friends (which she's greatly upset about) because they've questioned whether I've felt as strongly for her as she did for me, and whether or not I was liable to throw her on the scrap heap.

Wow. I think she is putting enormous pressure on both you and what is essentially a fledgling relationship. I understand that she is 33 and while I loath the term biological clock, women are up against it in many respects. By the same token she is only 33 and you have not been together very long at all. Her telling you that you are "the One" and having altercations with friends on foot of your level of commitment (and relaying it back to you.....manipulative much) just smacks of someone who is really rather desperate to get you to make some grand commitment post haste.

Is she even enjoying this time with you or has she just got her "eye on the prize"?

Would it be unfair to let it progress and see what happens? (Which is what I'd like to do)

No, I think this is perfectly reasonable. I do think in the interest of transparency you should tell her this however. There IS an age gap so if she has her heart set on being engaged by 34, married by 35 (which I would hazard a guess is the case) then you need to tell her that you are not at that stage yet. That you enjoy her company, you're loving getting to know her and that you'd like it to grow organically rather than feeling under pressure to be "the One" when you're not quite at that stage yet.

Don't waste her time if you see it going nowhere but by the same token, don't allow yourself to be pigeon holed prematurely into a "husband to be" role when you've only actually been seeing each other a few short months.

Pippy1976

Notsurewhattodo wrote: »

let it progress and see what happens? (Which is what I'd like to do)

You've said it yourself. You'd like to see where this goes and if yee end up being together then that's how it's meant to be.

It's only been four months and I would suggest talking to her about maybe not looking into the future too much at this early stage and just let's see where it leads to.

I think she's put a bit of undue pressure on you very early on. I'd say stick with it but make her aware that you're not quite there yet. That's o.k. too, you know.

FionaCassim

Notsurewhattodo -

This happened to me. In reverse. I thought you might be my ex, so similar is this story.
He is 27, I am that 33 year old woman, the one he said was a fantastic fit, smart, funny and beautiful. Word for word. Except he agreed when I said I love you (he actually said it first). He agreed I was the one. Etc.

I have never been bothered with children and this was a problem for him, a serious one. So I said I would consider it.

last week, out of the clear blue sky, he called, YES CALLED, to say he wanted to be single, didn't want a relationship and that was it. The day before we were happy, together, in love.

So, yes, just end it if you're not sure. Because you'll never be sure and you'll end up being another one of those exes she hates and bitches about with her mates, because she's been through all this before and never thought you'd be the one to jerk her around and make false promises when your heart was never really in it.

Good luck x

strobe

FionaCassim wrote: »

So, yes, just end it if you're not sure. Because you'll never be sure

After 4 months..? Utter madness. Id say the vast vast majority of people didn't know for sure after 4 months if the person they ended up falling in love with and marrying, was going to be that person. You can't even really know someone all that well after 4 months.

Op Merkin hit the nail on the head. Absolutely give it time and see if something more develops for you, but be up front with your gf that that is where things stand right now. You're mad about her and think the two of you are crazy compatible and would like to see where things go. Tbh if she has a serious issue with you not being 100% certain you want to spend the rest of your life with her after knowing each other 4 months you should probably cut and run and scortch the earth behind you.

Lou.m

Notsurewhattodo wrote: »

Hey Guys, I just need some advice on a relationship I'm currently in. I'm 28 year old male in a relationship the last 4 months with an amazing 33 year old woman. The problem I have (if you could call it that) is that she is madly in love with me and thinks I could be "the one", and she's said this on a number of occasions (although admittedly usually when there are a few drinks involved.

I'm thrilled and absolutely flattered by this but my problem is I'm not sure I feel as strongly about her as she does about me. I don't really believe in "one true love" but I do believe in compatibility, and I believe that we have great chemistry together and are a fantastic fit. I enjoy her company, she's funny, smart, beautiful and puts me at ease the way nobody else can. Being with her has been great for me and it's made me a stronger, more confident person. I've only known her a few months and she already knows more about me than my best friends of 10 years. I guess what I'm asking is is that enough of a basis for me to give this relationship a shot and see what happens? Or is it doomed to failure? I'm not as versed in relationships as she is and I don't want to hurt her the way she has been hurt in the past, I'm not sure she'd recover from it. It worries me greatly that I don't feel as strongly about her as she does about me. It worries me that I will end up hurting her in the future because I don't feel the same.

I never really questioned in much before, I know I feel strongly for her so I thought I'd play it by ear and see if that developed further but she's told me recently that she's had a bit of a bust up with one or two of her close friends (which she's greatly upset about) because they've questioned whether I've felt as strongly for her as she did for me, and whether or not I was liable to throw her on the scrap heap. I'd imagine they were a little more diplomatic than that but that's the jist of it. Hearing that made me question whether or not they might be right? and whether or not I should spare her before I really do damage. Would it be unfair to let it progress and see what happens? (Which is what I'd like to do)

Sorry about the long post. Any advice is much appreciated.

If I were her and you were not on the same page as me I would want you to end it or I would end it. I need the other person to be on the same emotional page as me.

But I am not her of course that is just what I would do.

I think you should talk to her about it though.

FionaCassim

Lou.m I agree. If you have to ask if this could work based on a list of already promising factors, you're not sure. There's no guarantees in life but what if you're not sure in 4 years, or 10 years? If you keep over thinking the situation and holding back you'll never be sure anyway. If, as Lou.m said you are not feeling what she is clearly feeling, end it. She's been open and honest with you about her feelings, she deserves the same respect.

LegacyUser

I'm not hugely impressed that she's blabbing (even when a bit drunk) that she thinks you're the One and is madly in love with you. It seems like something a much , much younger woman would do, not a 33 year old. This isn't her first Rodeo, as the saying goes. There is an air of panic about saying stuff like that so early.

So I do wonder if her age has made her recklessly indiscreet whereas when she was younger she'd have been a bit happier to relax and wait and see. Cos she does not sound relaxed at all.

I don't particularly doubt her feelings for you - but I wonder if her utter thrill at falling for someone has heightened those emptions from just "falling for someone" to "He's the One" which is a whole step up the ladder of intensity.

As a woman, I can say that the early thirties is a rather unnerving time. I was married, but most of my friends weren't even in a relationship, and I witnessed their unease as their "window" for having children drew smaller and smaller with each passing year. When they fell for someone at this time they tended to fall HARD cos there was the hope that this might be The One that would make all the uncertainty finally end. Even the ones who didn't particularly want children wanted to get out of the dating game cos by that stage they were deeply weary of it, all the men left single at 35 seemed to be either longterm commitment-phobes or had bitter baggage, and just they wanted someone lovely and kind to be there in their lives always. In other words, they wanted to finally RELAX.

Her friends are presumably her same age or thereabouts and are acutely tuned into this particular feeling. So they are expressing their concerns early on, and thats fair enough. They are effectively saying to her "You are 33 - if he's not that into you, get out. You can't afford time wasters"

However her repeating this conversation indicates she wanted to hear your response. She is speeding far faster than you. This is not a conversation that is customary at 4 months.

I would push back - the emotional speed of a relationship should not be dictated by one person, and you'll just end up gushing about how amazing she is to compensate. You'll start feeling guilty you are not at that stage yet, and why should you? Who says you have to hit it at exactly the same moment, like couples climaxing in Mills & Boon books??!

I also do not think a frank exchange of expectations would be wise after just 4 months - again, that'd be her dictating the emotional pace, and who has those conversations at 4 months anyway? Just reassure her of your huge interest in her, and ask can you just enjoy each others amazing company.

Lou.m

Coronala wrote: »

I'm not hugely impressed that she's blabbing (even when a bit drunk) that she thinks you're the One and is madly in love with you. It seems like something a much , much younger woman would do, not a 33 year old. This isn't her first Rodeo, as the saying goes. There is an air of panic about saying stuff like that so early.

So I do wonder if her age has made her recklessly indiscreet whereas when she was younger she'd have been a bit happier to relax and wait and see. Cos she does not sound relaxed at all.

I don't particularly doubt her feelings for you - but I wonder if her utter thrill at falling for someone has heightened those emptions from just "falling for someone" to "He's the One" which is a whole step up the ladder of intensity.

As a woman, I can say that the early thirties is a rather unnerving time. I was married, but most of my friends weren't even in a relationship, and I witnessed their unease as their "window" for having children drew smaller and smaller with each passing year. When they fell for someone at this time they tended to fall HARD cos there was the hope that this might be The One that would make all the uncertainty finally end. Even the ones who didn't particularly want children wanted to get out of the dating game cos by that stage they were deeply weary of it, all the men left single at 35 seemed to be either longterm commitment-phobes or had bitter baggage, and just they wanted someone lovely and kind to be there in their lives always. In other words, they wanted to finally RELAX.

Her friends are presumably her same age or thereabouts and are acutely tuned into this particular feeling. So they are expressing their concerns early on, and thats fair enough. They are effectively saying to her "You are 33 - if he's not that into you, get out. You can't afford time wasters"

However her repeating this conversation indicates she wanted to hear your response. She is speeding far faster than you. This is not a conversation that is customary at 4 months.

I would push back - the emotional speed of a relationship should not be dictated by one person, and you'll just end up gushing about how amazing she is to compensate. You'll start feeling guilty you are not at that stage yet, and why should you? Who says you have to hit it at exactly the same moment, like couples climaxing in Mills & Boon books??!

I also do not think a frank exchange of expectations would be wise after just 4 months - again, that'd be her dictating the emotional pace, and who has those conversations at 4 months anyway? Just reassure her of your huge interest in her, and ask can you just enjoy each others amazing company.

She is not relaxed because this is a serious relationship for her.

You say one person cannot dictate the speed of a relationship but then say he should.

They are not on the same level. They need to talk about it and perhaps end it because they are at different stages.

'Indiscreet' as a description for telling him seems to indicate that you think she should hide what she is feeling instead of being honest.

and ask can you just enjoy each others amazing company.

That might not be enough for her. And they need to talk about that honestly. It would not be enough for her and I am around the same age as the OP. I would be either wanting the same from him or I would want to move on.

Don't be afraid to let go of something that is just great for the time being because you are now looking to settle down.

The OP could find himself in a defacto serious long term commitment if he does not voice his concerns over the difference in their feelings now. The longer he leaves it the harder it will be.

No I will say this....some people are gushing by nature ...I mean they love romance and being romantic. It is not necessarily literally true. It's not disingenuous but you know what I mean.

But if this lady is serious about you and wants to start planning things you are going to find yourself dragged into that unless you say actually no I don't feel that. And you might have to accept she does not want to wait to see. Maybe she will I don't know. But I wouldn't. It had been long enough.

I would say be honest with each other and don't try to manipulate each other. Be honest about each other about your needs. And if you can't meet each others needs then maybe decide this is not right.

This is not a conversation that is customary at 4 months.

It definitely would be at around three months for me And it seems to be for her. She feels the need to address it. He has the right to his feelings but he needs to be blunt about them to her. So she can decide for herself whether she wants to continue.

It sounds like you are saying try get around her and belittle her needs. If two people are not compatible or are not on the same emotional page they need to part. She will end up resenting him.

You'll start feeling guilty you are not at that stage yet, and why should you? Who says you have to hit it at exactly the same moment, like couples climaxing in Mills & Boon books??!

They don't but I would be deciding to cut my losses at this stage.

You are assuming that the destination is going to ultimately the same. The likely hood is if he is not there yet he is not going to get there with this woman.


OP i would say simply be honest with her and say I am not feeling that yet. Don't dictate how you want her to respond to this. She might be happy to wait and just be with you but she night not. But whatever happens you both have equal right to have your needs met.If you tell her she can decide whether or not this will meet her needs. You are obviously not comfortable with her thinking you are both in this place now when you are not there yet or might not actually get there. So express this.

You both have a right to know where you are.

LegacyUser

OP, as a single female, your post has saddened me. Your gf sounds like the great match for you (perhaps not "the one and only", but definitely a damn near perfect one!)
Sure, 4 months is early. But equally I presume ye've both been around the block enough to know when something feels right? Personally I'd applaud her for being honest& open.
What more does she need to do in order to fit the criteria? How many years does that take?
Another poster said she saw loads of friends "fall hard" just because they were in their 30's and the biological clock was ticking. Well equally I've seen girls feign being all casual& relaxed& anti-marriage, & then ending up married. In general, men don't respond well to being pressurised. Your gf is either too blunt or too naive to play the game a lot of other girls do.

CaraMay

You have to be pleasantly honest with her as you are doing no favours by pretending you are more into it than you are. That doesn't mean you have to break up with her but be honest about where you are now. You can't stay with someone because you worry about hurting her feelings. We are all adults and one of the risks entering a relationship is that it doesn't work - if she can't play with those stakes then she shouldn't be in the game.

LegacyUser

Your girlfriend is 33 and is being honest about how she feels. She has had a fight with some of her friends in regards to you. Her friends might know that she had a few bad relationships in the past. Perhaps they know she is keen to get married/have children and they may not see you as the settling down type.
Along with this they don't want to see her wasting time with someone who long term does not want the same as she does.

At this stage I would start to think about the following before you have a chat with her about how you feel
a) Is marriage/children important to you or have you no interest in either
b) How long do you expect your girlfriend to wait before you move in together/get married or have children?
c) What are your long term plans ie do you plan to change job, travel, work abroad ect.

At this stage I would be very honest with your girlfriend about what you want from your life in the next few years. If you have no interest in getting married or having children I would let her know this now.
If you are happy to be with her for the moment let her know this and say to her that you don't feel the same way about her just yet.

Once you tell her this she could be happy to wait a while to see how things progress or she might decide to end things with you. When you have this conversation with her you have to be prepared for her reaction.
She might be upset or unhappy about what you say but you have to be honest with her so she knows that long term you want or don't want the same things.

DukeOfTheSharp

Sit down and talk to her, very sternly, about the situation and inform her that this really isn't your speed. Of course, there'll always be different speeds in a relationship, but this? She's ran for the finish line before you feel you've even started. She may be a great match for you in many, many ways, but her actions have put you on edge...what does that tell you?

Be honest with yourself; is this what you want? To be with someone who has already made up her mind about how significant your relationship is and drunkenly spouts it off to anyone who'll listen. She's 33, she needs to mature and act like it. This has put phenomenal amounts of pressure on you to figure out where you're at in the relationship, and after four months you can't be expected to know that. Her friends falling out with her means one of two things, at least to me; 1) she's got a track record of doing this and they've gotten tired of the grind of having to deal with her when things don't work out, or 2) they're far too involved in her life and are terrible friends because they're not trying to calm her down or give reasonable responses to her feelings. I don't really see an settlement here because she's moved the timetable up on you in an unfair fashion and now, instead of having time to develop your feelings and see where they'll lead, you've become trapped in a pressured position on whether to feel the same way or not. Sitting down with her and talking your way through this honestly is the only way to fix this complete emotional mess she's landed you both in.