Terrified I will never get married or have kids

lonelylady321

Hey guys, I hope someone can offer me some advice or guidance. Basically I have a huge fear of being alone and never getting married or having children. I know at 24 alot of my age wouldnt even be thinking of this but it bothers me a lot. I dont go out much dont drink so dont attend clubs or pubs on a regular basis. I do hang out with friends go shopping cinema or that on weekends but spend a lot of time alone due to where I live and not having people my age around. I have had boyfriends and came out of a toxic relationship early this year. I went on a few dates with a guy since then but after our last date he just dropped contact. Basically I just cant see myself ever finding anyone or having kids.
Please dont judge, but I also had a termination when i was 18. now I am thinking I had my chance and let it go and I will never have the chance of pregnancy again. I am not intersted in counselling, have tried this and it brings up a chapter i would prefer stayed closed. Am I being silly here or has anyone else felt the way I do?

Raminahobbin

Honestly OP, it sounds like you're very unhappy in yourself and are distracting yourself from this by focusing on proving your worth through other people (marriage / kids). Your fear is a symptom here, not the problem- you're still very young and have oodles of time in front of you to figure the long-term stuff out. For the moment, you should focus on enjoying your own company and developing your sense of self through whatever interests you have. Learn to enjoy your own company, so that you don't have to rely on a reflection of yourself through others to feel important.

What's in the past is in the past, but it DOES form part of you. If there's stuff that happened that you just shut away and refuse to deal with, it won't get resolved and WILL remain in the background, colouring your personality and attitude to life. I know it's scary dealing with a subject you'd rather never allow to see the light of day again, but it's important to tackle it. Don't let fear control you, or it always will.

That chapter you'd rather stay closed is not closed; it's tainting the rest of you and making you unhappy. To close it, you need to open it first and deal with it.

Please reconsider the counselling; I really do think it would help you to have some guidance on shuffling through your turmoil.

December2012

You poor thing.

Have you "forgiven" yourself for having the abortion (and I'm sorry if that's a wrong word to use, it's all I can think of right now)? Are you being too hard in yourself about it? After all you did what you thought was best at the time and nobody should judge you for that - even you.

If you don't want to go for counselling, would you consider going to see a gynaecologist / obstetrician to discuss how, if at all, the termination medically affected your fertility? Plenty of women who have abortions do eventually go on to have healthy pregnancies.

There is no logical reason why having an abortion means you have lost your chance at having a family.

Separately, the fear you are experiencing must be tough on you too. But it's going to be counter productive - it could push you away from what you want and make it less likely that you will be open and able to a relationship.

Please be kind to yourself and mind yourself.

There is nothing in life that we cannot come back from.