Why do you want/not want children?

strobe

There's a similar thread to this in another forum and I thought it would make an interesting thread here as its not something I hear talked about often from a male point of view.

Do you have children, or intend to have children at some stage, why so?

Are you childless and intend to stay that way, why is that?

I'll post back with own views later when I get the time.

Wishiwasa Littlebitaller

If I was rich, I'd love them but not a chance I could deal with the financial stress of raising kids today. I just know I would not be able to cope with the pressure and of course I understand that parenting is not all about money, but the money side of things is a large part of it and I just couldn't handle it at all.

I have family with kids and I just can see that it's a big deal for them coming up with the funds to adequately feed, clothe and school them. If I'm honest, I think it has aged one of my family members far beyond his years.

So, if I win the lotto, it'd be like the clampetts at my place, but otherwise, I shall venture on childless and take pleasure in my nephews and nieces as a way of compromise.

Pawwed Rig

Some parents put themselves under alot of financial pressure with regard to their kids. This is usually an inability to say No and a relectance to be sensible*. Food, shelter an clothing are relatively cheap and considering the state give you €130 per child per month the additional costs are not so great. The time factor is a bigger deal in my (admittedly brief) experience.
We have one already and will definitely be having more.

*for example insisting on all new items for a newborn in ridiculous as second hand stuff has only been worn once or twice. The amount of free stuff we had to turn down was astonishing.

keith16

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

*for example insisting on all new items for a newborn in ridiculous as second hand stuff has only been worn once or twice. The amount of free stuff we had to turn down was astonishing.

I'm the same. Have one with another on the way very soon.

The amount of just stuff the people bring the house is unreal. I filled the large boot of my car with stuff the other day and brought it down to the charity shop.

We will be re-using a lot of No1.'s stuff for No.2

The financial burden is over-stated IMO. A bit of planning and financial common sense goes a long way.

Aside from that, I found parent-hood at bit - meh - at the start. I didn't form a bond with the little guy straight away.

He is 2 now and we have an incredible bond. Playing lego, bringing him out on his bike, and play-fighting are all awesome! I can't wait until he's old enough to play FIFA!!

Obviously there will have to be boundaries in time too. Discipline is important.

Yes, I don't socialise as much as I used to. And yes, maybe it will be a few years before me and the OH can go on another nice holiday for ourselves. And yes, there is a huge sense of responsibility.

Small sacrifices for a big reward IMO.

Pawwed Rig

keith16 wrote: »

We will be re-using a lot of No1.'s stuff for No.2

Exactly. My little fellah has been known to wear his cousins pink body suits going to bed. It didn't seem to worry him too much that it wasn't blue:D

keith16 wrote: »

The financial burden is over-stated IMO. A bit of planning and financial common sense goes a long way.

I always laugh when I hear people giving out that Man U/Liverpool have released a new jersey so soon after the last one and the 'Ah sure ya have to get it for them' attitude. Some parents also translate their bias for branded items onto their kids, who really don't care unless socialised by their parents.

keith16 wrote: »

He is 2 now and we have an incredible bond. Playing lego, bringing him out on his bike, and play-fighting are all awesome! I can't wait until he's old enough to play FIFA!!

That is the bit I am looking forward to. When we can have a kick about in the garden, building stuff, annoying his mother etc etc

We socialise probably more now than we used to as we make more of an effort to attend occasions and functions. I probably drink less now but don't miss it if I am honest.

_Redzer_

I want the money, independence and freedom.

I look forward to being an uncle. All my uncles had large families so I'm not really close to any of them, but I am close to my siblings. If ever and whenever they decide to have children, I think I'd have the time to be a more hands on uncle. I'd like that.

Plus I could just fúck them back to the parents when I get sick of them.

Win/win for me!

CelticRambler

Having children is like an 18-year adrenaline rush (maybe longer - I've only got to 18 years so far). It starts with a lot of WTF???s, then you get in to it, think everything's going smoothly and suddenly one or other of them lobs something unexpected at you and you have to re-think your strategy, sometimes even your beliefs. You can't choose to hand in your notice, or put the game on pause till you check what Bear Grylls recommends: you've got to make decisions and live with them.

I think the parents who feel "aged" are the ones who try too hard. Children are amazingly independent and don't need to be told how to grow up, just given a bit of direction. The same goes for the financial side of things. It's absolutely mad the amount of money relatives want to spend buying clothes for a 0-month old, and some parents seem to get stuck in that way of thinking buying them all kinds of stuff all through their lives. My sisters spend a crazy amount on plastic and electronic toys, but when my nephews and nieces come to visit, they play happily for days on end with the old reliables: mud, sticks, flowers and jamjars.

Now that my four are teenagers, I'd love to start again ...

strobe

strobe wrote: »

Do you have children, or intend to have children at some stage, why so?

I will repeat some of the answer I gave on the other thread that inspired this one.

For us there is no real reason or set of reasons for why we chose to have children. It was always just assumed it would be something we would do - when the moment and circumstances seemed most to lend themselves to the endevour - and we simply made our life plan around the notion that we would at some point be reproducing. We currently have 2 of the 4 children we have planned on.

But being pinned to the wall and been asked to explain "why" we want this? I do not think I can give a coherent answer. We simply do. And maybe it is because we simply can. It is one attribute of life available to us that we want to explore - and we want to explore every facet of it.

By this I do not mean to look down on anyone who does not have children as having lived a life incomplete. Or less valuable. But so too would I not tell a color blind person they are "missing out". They experience life with every bit of zeal as we do - but they still are missing out on one dimension all the same. That is not a quality comparison - but a quantity one I guess. One can enjoy ones life from one font - some - or many. I am just on the many end of the continuum.

I want to experience every dimension of life. But the less selfish part of it comes from always wanting to help someone - shelter someone - give everything I have to offer to someone - and one way to do that is to have children. It stimulates and utilizes every aspect of ones inner altruistic desires and instincts.

And I relish the challenge. Because it is a challenge. And no matter how much love and adoration you go through - do not believe anyone who tells you it is not a challenging and testing and trying time and experience. It really. REALLY. Is. And if you are not game for that, or up for it, I really advise you never do it. It will debilitate the rest of your life in no small way. It will take it over like a malicious parasite. But if you see that as a challenge worth taking - and the rewards that there are as being sufficient to pay for that investment - then go for it!

But not a decision to be taken lightly. Too many people have kids as a matter of course - by accident - or because they think they know what it involves but they underestimate it. Its a bit like that old movie fight club. You have to go into it knowing its gonna seriously hurt. But it hurts good

Galwayguy35

Yes I'd like to have a family someday, but if another 5 years has gone by and I have not found someone by then I think I will accept that it just wasn't meant to be.

astonaidan

If I met my dream girl, I like idea of having kids carry on my family name, there is 5 guys in our extended family and not one has carried the name on yet oldest 45 youngest 25, really think it might be down to me :cool:

Mrs W

Is this a male only thread? I'm not good with other peoples kids, never could relate to them or talk to them really until I had my own. Even when I was pregnant I didn't know how it would work out but 15 months later it's the best thing thing that I've ever done.
I have a completely new outlook on life as does my husband and especially my parents. She's a breath of fresh air and I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. My dad has his own business and works 6 days a week since I was a baby, now I can't get rid of him! It's even changed his outlook on life

You don't have to buy everything new or spend fortunes on stuff, don't let finances stop you. We spent the morning tumbling and I haven't laughed so much in years

I don't think anyone has ever had a child and regretted it

CelticRambler

Deleted User wrote: »

And I relish the challenge. Because it is a challenge. And no matter how much love and adoration you go through - do not believe anyone who tells you it is not a challenging and testing and trying time and experience. It really. REALLY. Is. And if you are not game for that, or up for it, I really advise you never do it. It will debilitate the rest of your life in no small way. It will take it over like a malicious parasite. But if you see that as a challenge worth taking - and the rewards that there are as being sufficient to pay for that investment - then go for it!

But not a decision to be taken lightly. Too many people have kids as a matter of course - by accident - or because they think they know what it involves but they underestimate it. Its a bit like that old movie fight club. You have to go into it knowing its gonna seriously hurt. But it hurts good

Spot on! :cool:

I do wonder if the "challenge" sometimes sets men and women apart. A comment that used to have me gritting my teeth in frustration was my wife's baby-group friends talking about looking forward to "getting my life back" when their child went to school. I know a lot of the time they just meant having a several hours in the day to themselves (we were in England at the time) but every single time I heard that phrase, I wanted to smack them and say "this is your life, and it's got children in it, so get used to it!" To the best of my knowledge, every one of those women has since got divorced ...

Mackman

Unlike my wife, I was reluctant to have a baby at the start, (she's the spontaneous, jump in with both feet type of person, I'm the complete opposite, which makes life quite interesting).
I thought we had to have our own house, stable jobs, all that. But she convinced me that it would all work out.

Turns out the wife was right, best thing I have ever done. My daughter is only 20 months old, but she is amazing. It boggles my mind that she grew from something so small and helpless into a person, with her own thoughts, and free will. (she thinks farts are funny too)

Financially it can be challenging at times, but we have been given so much stuff by people. We rarely have to buy her clothes, never had to buy a car seat or cot. Never bought her a pair of shoes even. Once they start drinking real milk and real food, the cost goes down again, because they can eat and drink what you do.

It's tough too, the responsibility of this person that depends on you for everything, I have massive respect for single parents. I can totally understand people who don't want to have kids. Not having all that time to yourself, being able to do things on a whim, that's probably what I miss most, just popping out to the cinema, or going out for dinner and a few drinks.

We plan on having one more, not for a few years though. But I think that will be it. I've always liked the idea of a large family, but in reality, I think 2 will be plenty. Plus with the world population growing, I dont want to add to the problem, replacing the 2 of us with 2 kids is ok IMO.

sam34

Mrs W wrote: »

I don't think anyone has ever had a child and regretted it

Seriously? I know plenty who have, from my own sister to people I encounter through my work (psychiatrist).

jellyboy

The best feeling is when they leave home .
they transform into mini mes..

All the values,morals and love of all things humorous begins to shine through
but knowing that they are individual people with their own minds.



its a bit like watching the future..



plus i get to have a life free of kids and get adults in return
and at 44 ..thats a pretty cool thing ..

diveout

sam34 wrote: »

Seriously? I know plenty who have, from my own sister to people I encounter through my work (psychiatrist).

I have a friend with three kids and she once said she should have had abortions. And as a result of her kids she has spent most of her life in Tesco.

I laughed but geesh! Then again people say things when they are feeling stressed or angry and the notion passes so there might be days they do and might be days they don't.

Wompa1

diveout wrote: »

I have a friend with three kids and she once said she should have had abortions. And as a result of her kids she has spent most of her life in Tesco.

I laughed but geesh! Then again people say things when they are feeling stressed or angry and the notion passes so there might be days they do and might be days they don't.

Sounds like she's using her kids as a scapegoat for her own failures

diveout

Wompa1 wrote: »

Sounds like she's using her kids as a scapegoat for her own failures

She isn't a failure. And maybe she is acknowledging the natural consequences of single parenting with three children.

CelticRambler

Mackman wrote: »

Not having all that time to yourself, being able to do things on a whim, that's probably what I miss most, just popping out to the cinema, or going out for dinner and a few drinks.

That's more of a problem with society, though, isn't it? Like the trouble with taking your child out of school during term time, or restaurants with a no-children policy, and obviously events with a drinks license ... :mad: That's one of the few really good things about bringing up a child in France: no-one bats an eyelid if you take your toddler or 5-year-old to an all-night event, and they either join in and keep dancing till 2am or crash on a mat in the corner of the room with a dozen other children.

username123

Mrs W wrote: »

I don't think anyone has ever had a child and regretted it

I know lots of people who have. Even though they may love the child, they hate parenting or they hate the loss of a different life. There are often threads on boards where people talk about resenting having a child or their partner resents them having a child. It's naive to think that no one ever regrets it.

eviltwin

CelticRambler wrote: »

Spot on! :cool:

I do wonder if the "challenge" sometimes sets men and women apart. A comment that used to have me gritting my teeth in frustration was my wife's baby-group friends talking about looking forward to "getting my life back" when their child went to school. I know a lot of the time they just meant having a several hours in the day to themselves (we were in England at the time) but every single time I heard that phrase, I wanted to smack them and say "this is your life, and it's got children in it, so get used to it!" To the best of my knowledge, every one of those women has since got divorced ...

I wouldn't read too much into that tbh, its a big culture shock when you have had no children and can do as you please to suddenly being with this tiny person 24/7. It can be very full on. Most stay at home parents probably live for the day their child starts school or preschool, its not a bad thing.

Wompa1

diveout wrote: »

She isn't a failure. And maybe she is acknowledging the natural consequences of single parenting with three children.

I said failures...didn't say she was a failure as a person. Everybody has failures in life...you tend to learn more from your failures than your successes. It's about what you do with it

bnt

I just don't see any reason for it - and I'm one of those people who needs a strong positive reason to do something that serious. "That's just what you do" doesn't cut it for me. I see too many people apparently sleepwalking in to parenthood without thinking it through fully, or thinking that they have to do it, when you really don't have to.