Do I love him?

pemaestra

I've been with my boyfriend over a year, most of that has been long distance. All going to plan we should be living together this summer but then it'll be long distance again for at least another year.
We get on so well, we clicked from the very begining. We have our problem, both personally and as a couple (though most of these are caused by the distance imo) but we both feel good about our future together. We're in our early/mid twenties and both want similar thing is life.
The problem is...sometimes I'm not sure I actually love him. I've never had a relationship over a couple of weeks before so I don't know what love is supposed to feel like. I care for him, I want him to be happy, I want to be with him...but none of these are the overwhelming urges I expected with love.

Maybe I was naive to expect that but people always say stuff like "Oh you'll just know" so I was sort of expecting something to happen. He makes me so happy but he doesn't make my insides do somersaults or anything? And it's not like he never annoys me, I often get upset at myself when he does/says something I don't like or we argue because I feel that if I really loved him I wouldn't be bothered by certain things.

Part of me feels like I was madly in love with him in the first six months or so but I convinced myself it was infatuation because I knew he wasn't there yet. So now maybe he's head-over-heals in love with me and I'm comfortably in love with him?

I really need to figure this out. We're both terrified that the curiousity is going to get the better of me and I'm going to leave him just to see what it's like with someone else. I can imagine a future with him, but I worry that it's based on deep friendship as opposed to love. Has anybody else been through something similar?

bee06

I think you might be putting too much pressure on yourself to feel some kind of change or sign to tell you that you love him. The somersaults and butterflies and that rollercoaster that you're on in the first few months does ease, it's natural. And just because he does things to annoy you doesn't mean you don't love him ... I find the fact that my OH does things to annoy me and I still want to be with him a sign that I do love him and vice versa.

Stop overthinks things and just enjoy your relationship.

retro:electro

If you have to question it then you're probably not. Having said that, love isn't always that summersault head over heels feeling. I love my boyfriend. I love being with him, I care about him and want the best for him. He also annoys the hell out of me at times and we argue; these things are normal. But I love him. How do I know? Because I just do. I don't question it, it's just there. The fact that you are debating with yourself whether you do or dont and also the fact that you're unsure about potentially running off with someone else would make me feel that you probably don't.

pemaestra

anna080 wrote: »

If you have to question it then you're probably not. Having said that, love isn't always that summersault head over heels feeling. I love my boyfriend. I love being with him, I care about him and want the best for him. He also annoys the hell out of me at times and we argue; these things are normal. But I love him. How do I know? Because I just do. I don't question it, it's just there. The fact that you are debating with yourself whether you do or dont and also the fact that you're unsure about potentially running off with someone else would make me feel that you probably don't.

But I don't understand how you can have a feeling that's just there. I mean is the love you have for your parents just there too? I know its a different relationship but I have had my doubts about loving my parents in the past because on a daily basis I don't feel anything in particular towards them. Can love just be background noise?

It's not like its always like this I go weeks or month at a tome without worrying about this but then it rears its head again and I can't think of anything else

lukesmom

Tough question to answer. But after 14 years with my husband i still get butterflies when he walks in the door or rings my phone. Maybe that's not normal either I don't know.

lollsangel

Me and my partner were long distance for the first 14ish months. We'd see each othr as much as possible. After 8 month I discovered I was 8 weeks pregnant. Okay that did kinda hurry the decision for me to move. I didnt feel butterflies much after the first few months. I think u need to try it out to see what your feelings are

CaraMay

See how it goes over the summer. If you don't feel closer after that then you may have a problem on your hands.

Merkin

I don't know if it's a case of you overthinking this (given that it's a recurring theme and you're even examining the "love" you have for your parents) or you're really just not all that pushed about this guy. I'd hazard a guess that it's a bit of both.

If anything it seems that you like the guy but when you love someone you bloody know about it - there is nothing you can do about it and that feeling of falling in love with someone and thinking about them constantly and wondering what they are up to......wow. And that love then evolves when you're with someone a while into something so amazingly wonderful and intense and intimate. I still think (and would hope!) that you always get some butterflies with the person you love.

Ask yourself this, how would you feel if the relationship was to end in the morning and you were never to see him again?

Legs.Eleven

Yeah, to second Merkin and to probably irritate you with the cliche but you really do just know.

pemaestra

Merkin wrote: »

I don't know if it's a case of you overthinking this (given that it's a recurring theme and you're even examining the "love" you have for your parents) or you're really just not all that pushed about this guy. I'd hazard a guess that it's a bit of both.

If anything it seems that you like the guy but when you love someone you bloody know about it - there is nothing you can do about it and that feeling of falling in love with someone and thinking about them constantly and wondering what they are up to......wow. And that love then evolves when you're with someone a while into something so amazingly wonderful and intense and intimate. I still think (and would hope!) that you always get some butterflies with the person you love.

Ask yourself this, how would you feel if the relationship was to end in the morning and you were never to see him again?

But see what you describes sounds like what I feel, I think about him all the time, wonder what he's doing, get worried or upset when I don't here from him. He's on my mind when I wake up and when I'm trying to get to sleep. But it doesn't feel...overwhelming or special? Yeah, I get excited when I'm going to see him or something but I've never had head spinning or difficulty going about.my daily life cause I miss him or any of the other 'symptoms'.

I don't know how I'd feel. I've asked myself this so many times but I just can't imagine it happening. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to imagine my parents being dead to see how sad I'd feel but I'd just end up upsetting myself because I couldn't feel anything which made me feel like a terrible child. So maybe I just have an issue feeling love? That's kind of what I'm hoping. I feel like if I can't love him I can't love anyone.

CaraMay

But the above describes romantic love!! You are overthinking and maybe looking for reasons for it not to work?

Maphisto

I think these things are always difficult to answer from a few lines of text, but here's my 2 pence (I hate the €).

I don't agree with the "you should feel butterflies and somersaults" school of thought.

Let me ask you this: How would you feel if he was no longer in the picture? Nothing tragic, lets just say his job has sent him to Darwin. Try and imagine it and then how do you feel?

bee06

pemaestra wrote: »

But see what you describes sounds like what I feel, I think about him all the time, wonder what he's doing, get worried or upset when I don't here from him. He's on my mind when I wake up and when I'm trying to get to sleep. But it doesn't feel...overwhelming or special? Yeah, I get excited when I'm going to see him or something but I've never had head spinning or difficulty going about.my daily life cause I miss him or any of the other 'symptoms'.

I don't know how I'd feel. I've asked myself this so many times but I just can't imagine it happening. It reminds me of when I was a kid and I used to imagine my parents being dead to see how sad I'd feel but I'd just end up upsetting myself because I couldn't feel anything which made me feel like a terrible child. So maybe I just have an issue feeling love? That's kind of what I'm hoping. I feel like if I can't love him I can't love anyone.

I don't feel overwhelmed by my love for my OH either. It feels natural and comfortable and just the way my life is supposed to be. It just fits. I definitely don't have difficulty going about my daily life ... If everyone in love was life that nothing would ever get done!

jellyboy

Hi op

The question i have is, Do you love yourself enough to love him ?

Merkin

pemaestra wrote: »

Yeah, I get excited when I'm going to see him or something but I've never had head spinning or difficulty going about.my daily life cause I miss him or any of the other 'symptoms'..

That's a rather adolescent and overly romanticised perception of what love actually is. Are you questioning yourself and your feelings because you're not suffering dizzy spells or having fainting episodes? Genuinely? Do you perceive these to be the 'symptoms' of being in love?

And I'm interested in your response about not being able to imagine him not bring there "can't imagine it happening". Is this because you are certain he won't leave you or you simply can't visualise it? Because if you can imagine it and how you would feel should give you an indication of how deep your feelings run.

Semele

I think it's interesting that you don't have very strong feelings of love towards your parents. I know it's almost a cliche now, but our relationships with our parents are where we originally learn about ourselves in relation to others and where we develop our emotional (and behavioural) "repertoire", so to speak.

I'm not at all surprised that you aren't having wildly overpowering feelings towards your boyfriend, because that doesn't seem to be your way of relating emotionally anyway. It doesn't come from nowhere unless you already have that capability*. There's nothing wrong with that unless you feel it is a problem. You don't say whether your relationship with your parents was positive or negative, just that you don't have strong feelings of love for them. I felt very similar to you for a long time and tbh it will always be my emotional style to some extent! I work in a therapeutic field and so have had to do a lot of reflection on the way I am in relationships and where that came from; and this has not only helped me understand myself better, but in doing so it has let me see what aspects I would like to change in some way. I can honestly say I have so much more confidence in myself as a result of years of therapy and in-depth reflection. I know better what aspects of my emotional repertoire are ME and are tied to my personality and values, and what parts are a hangover from other experiences and which I don't want to relate to/from anymore.

I know that people advise counselling/therapy very easily on here and it can sometimes seem as though this is saying there is something "wrong" with you. I would suggest counselling to you as a way of understanding yourself better, not to fix a problem. Your post is full of questions about what you feel and why you are like this, and those are the things that counselling is all about! It is some thing to consider, OP, and space to think about these things with someone who knows the theory may help you feel more authentically present in your various relationships.

*Just to be clear, I think anyone is capable of feeling love. I also think that a lot of us don't learn how to feel it or to demonstrate it well, and so our internal experience of it is constrained also, although this is open to change.

beks101

I think Semele hit the nail on the head.

I also think Hollywood has a lot to answer for. Love isn't sunshine and somersaults and butterflies for everyone. For many it is. But for many that's lust. Everyone's definition is different and is informed by their individual life history and personality.

I've always been a bit slow to the word. Lust, infatuation, no problem. I've probably lusted my way through most of my adult relationships and left that word out of my vocabulary when it comes to romance. Because love to me means family. It means once that word is used, they're as close, as special and as important as family, and that's a club to which I don't let many at all in.

A rake of disappointments and devastations in my own love life will have strengthened that definition. And then the low-key, understated but ever-present way that love has historically been expressed in my family informed my notions of 'love' too. It made it less about the fanfare and the 'jump on him at every opportunity' and more about the being there unconditionally, caring, supporting, and quietly expressing it through actions rather than words.

I don't think any of us can answer this for you OP. I also don't always think it's a matter of "when you know you know" for everyone. Some people are slower to love for a myriad of complex personal reasons. Some people have to lose it before they know for sure, and often at that stage it can be too late.

I think Semele is bang on about the family thing. Maybe your emotional responses aren't quite as Mills and Boon as others would be. Maybe you're less emotional by character, and then there's the matter of trying to 'grow' this love in a long-distance relationship. For some that infrequency of contact and skin-on-skin closeness would make it virtually impossible for love to bloom.

You speak of finding it "hard to imagine" many things - hard to imagine being without him; hard to imagine your parents passing away as a child. Perhaps you're someone who needs to see and feel things transpire right before your eyes in order to believe it. That's also a consideration. Based on that alone I'd say see how things go when you live together during the summer and see if things become more clear for you.

retro:electro

beks101 wrote: »

I think Semele hit the nail on the head.

I also think Hollywood has a lot to answer for. Love isn't sunshine and somersaults and butterflies for everyone. For many it is. But for many that's lust. Everyone's definition is different and is informed by their individual life history and personality.

I've always been a bit slow to the word. Lust, infatuation, no problem. I've probably lusted my way through most of my adult relationships and left that word out of my vocabulary when it comes to romance. Because love to me means family. It means once that word is used, they're as close, as special and as important as family, and that's a club to which I don't let many at all in.

A rake of disappointments and devastations in my own love life will have strengthened that definition. And then the low-key, understated but ever-present way that love has historically been expressed in my family informed my notions of 'love' too. It made it less about the fanfare and the 'jump on him at every opportunity' and more about the being there unconditionally, caring, supporting, and quietly expressing it through actions rather than words.

I don't think any of us can answer this for you OP. I also don't always think it's a matter of "when you know you know" for everyone. Some people are slower to love for a myriad of complex personal reasons. Some people have to lose it before they know for sure, and often at that stage it can be too late.

I think Semele is bang on about the family thing. Maybe your emotional responses aren't quite as Mills and Boon as others would be. Maybe you're less emotional by character, and then there's the matter of trying to 'grow' this love in a long-distance relationship. For some that infrequency of contact and skin-on-skin closeness would make it virtually impossible for love to bloom.

You speak of finding it "hard to imagine" many things - hard to imagine being without him; hard to imagine your parents passing away as a child. Perhaps you're someone who needs to see and feel things transpire right before your eyes in order to believe it. That's also a consideration. Based on that alone I'd say see how things go when you live together during the summer and see if things become more clear for you.

Bang on, and beautifully written.

acon2119

lukesmom wrote: »

Tough question to answer. But after 14 years with my husband i still get butterflies when he walks in the door or rings my phone. Maybe that's not normal either I don't know.

You're so lucky