Am I unreasonable?

LegacyUser

My b/f and I have a great relationship, together around a year. We have lots in common and have recently begun to spend a lot of time together. I have a small issue in the grand scheme of things and wonder if I could get some input?

He often wears the same clothes for days at a time, in particular underwear. Now his dress sense was never the best but I can work on that.

The underwear thing is beginning to put me off being intimate. I change mind daily sometimes more often. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do the same? Do men change theirs daily? Showers are every day but on goes the same underwear afterwards. Is he just still living in his bachelor days and does not realise he should be changing them?

I have had to mention a few times about clothes etc and don't want to feel like a nag! I only realise that should be move in together, this little issue could indeed become a very big one!

Tokyo

I've met people with less than stellar hygiene before, I've probably been one of them from time to time, but I'm finding it really hard to fathom why somebody would go to all the trouble of showering on a daily basis, and then pull on the same underwear afterwards. I can only hazard a guess that your boyfriend might be a little bit lazy in this regard, and also a bit ignorant about hygiene standards. Unfortunately not everybody learns this as part of growing up.

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a certain level of hygiene from somebody if they expect you to be intimate with them as a regular part of your relationship, and the only way that this will get resolved is by talking to him about it. It doesn't have to be a "HOLY CRAP DID SOMETHING DIE DOWN THERE?" approach - but let him know that it is an issue for you and that sooner or later this is going to be a deal breaker. Something else you could also do to make it a little more lighthearted is perhaps gift him some nice boxers that you think would look good on him, and suggest that he might wear them next time you are intimate together.

Emme

Why did you put up with this lack of hygiene for so long? Are you lacking in confidence and settling for less than you think you deserve? Your bf shouldn't have to be told about personal hygiene.

Tell your bf that it would be nice if he could have a daily shower and change of underwear. Tell him it's nicer for you when he's clean.

dipdip

Maybe he doesn't have a lot of underwear. Buy him 7 pairs of boxers, a week's worth. Ask him to change his underwear daily as dirty underwear is offputting for a woman. Don't make a big deal of it.

StripedBoxers

I agree with mike_ie and Emme. I've never known anyone to wear the same underwear for four days, especially if they shower every day, its bizarre to me tbh.

You need to say it to him - just say what you said here, that its putting you off being intimate.

You're together for a year so you should be able to talk about anything, I know this is a sensitive and awkward issue but its better to have that discussion now rather than let it fester and become a bigger issue.

Do you know if there's actually a reason why he does this? Is it just laziness or habit?

LegacyUser

I do not have lack of confidence or anything like that, its just that recently we have spent more time together so I have become more aware of the issue. Showers/baths are not a problem.

I really think it is just out of habit, dress sense is not the best either but I figured I could buy some clothes for birthdays etc which is coming up soon. I think he has spent a long time being single so has got into bad habits.

Part of me is thinking if for example he comes up to me and stays for several days, that he may have had them on several days previous too.

I don't want to make a big deal out of it because otherwise he is a pretty decent person who has gotten into some bad habits.

It is not that easy really to say to someone could you please change your underwear because it is putting me off you.......... and this is not an issue I could discuss with friends because I don't want people to look at him differently. They all love him so thank you for the replies

Emme

dipdip wrote: »

Maybe he doesn't have a lot of underwear. Buy him 7 pairs of boxers, a week's worth. Ask him to change his underwear daily as dirty underwear is offputting for a woman. Don't make a big deal of it.

Ask him to change his underwear daily after he has a shower

iusedtoknow

Cleanones wrote: »

He often wears the same clothes for days at a time, in particular underwear. Now his dress sense was never the best but I can work on that.

The underwear thing is beginning to put me off being intimate. I change mind daily sometimes more often. Am I being unreasonable to expect him to do the same? Do men change theirs daily? Showers are every day but on goes the same underwear afterwards. Is he just still living in his bachelor days and does not realise he should be changing them?

I have had to mention a few times about clothes etc and don't want to feel like a nag! I only realise that should be move in together, this little issue could indeed become a very big one!

I would be the type that changes after every shower, so when I lived in a warm climate it'd be two times a day. But I'd imagine most people would be the same. After shower/bathing. It isn't anything to do with being a bachelor or something, it's just a bad habit/laziness that can affect anyone, regardless of gender

Gently bring it up to him, in relation to being intimate and I'm sure he'll get the idea.

One other thing thing though, don't go on about changing the way he dresses. That is not your place to discuss with him...his hygiene is one thing, but if he's happy enough the way he dresses leave it be - if you go too much into this, he probably will start to see you as a bit of nag.

irishguy1983

I just wanted to throw this out there in the hope it might help!

I used be that guy - I used only change my jocks every 2/3 days - no idea why as I would shower every single day and I would change my socks every day. Can't explain why I only changed my jocks every 2/3 days - now i change every day!

Not sure if this helps or not

Kali_Kalika

When he's in the shower go and take the old boxers and toss them in the machine and replace them with a clean pair My other half was of the same inclination (or lack there of!) and I knew a "conversation" about it would be 1) awkward and 2) futile (he's the type if you tell him to do something, guaranteed it'll be the last thing ever to happen!) so took the direct, indirect approach and he never commented on it - and now nearly 2 years into the relationship - he's getting clean ones for himself after showers

Also - try the Cesar Millan "Tssssst" at him :D (I joke I joke!):D:D

Legs.Eleven

I've been with a fella or two like that :cool: I find humour does the trick. Bring it up in a light-hearted, humourous way but don't make it into a massive deal.

LLMMML

There's nothing unhygienic about not changing your underwear every day but if it bothers you then you should probably have a discussion about it.

Merkin

I would find this so off-putting. It's counter productive having a shower every day and then stepping into a stinky pair of jocks....eeughhh.

I second buying him more underwear. Have a look at his size and style and then I'd go and buy him loads of pairs and just say that you noticed he seemed to be wearing the same pairs all the time so you treated him to more. Conversation over. Don't make a big deal of it and he'll probably be delighted as I don't know any man who buys jocks and socks for himself!

Gyalist

I disagree with buying him more underwear, unless you are happy with taking on the role of being his substitute mother. Make your feelings clear about his hygiene and let him spend his own money and buy his own underwear. I'm assuming that we're talking about a grown man here.

iusedtoknow

Merkin wrote: »

I would find this so off-putting. It's counter productive having a shower every day and then stepping into a stinky pair of jocks....eeughhh.

I second buying him more underwear. Have a look at his size and style and then I'd go and buy him loads of pairs and just say that you noticed he seemed to be wearing the same pairs all the time so you treated him to more. Conversation over. Don't make a big deal of it and he'll probably be delighted as I don't know any man who buys jocks and socks for himself!

This is really bad advice OP. You are looking at changing his habits, not becoming another Mam.
I buy all my own underwear/socks. Sheesh, if the other way is the case, how to single men cope...especially in their 30's/40's without a mam or gf buying their underwear for them

OP- do not be passive aggressive about this. Talk to him about it, tell him how much of a big deal/turn off it is for you and take it from there.

tara73

Gyalist wrote: »

I disagree with buying him more underwear, unless you are happy with taking on the role of being his substitute mother. Make your feelings clear about his hygiene and let him spend his own money and buy his own underwear. I'm assuming that we're talking about a grown man here.

I would second this.
I know it is not easy to address such an issue, but you are together 1 year, so you should be quite comfortable addressing also delicates issues like this. just approach him in a respectful, non patronising way.

you said he most certainly got into this bad habit from being single for a while, so he might not be aware of it and that it's bothering you and probably he's thankful you let him know. It might be an embarrassing situation for a moment, but as you said in your opening post, better to be addressed now than you becoming more and more resentful towards him.

and definateley leave out the new jocks buying for him. from my point of view it's a no go, like poster above said, it's like taking the mammy role.
you're both growing up, so you should be able to let him know what's bothering you and he should be able to respect this request and follow up on it (and buy more undies if necessary):)