Starting to resent my dad because of his behaviour

QueenBee1

I still live at home with my parents but I am not comfortable with the way my dad speaks/treats my mam. For example I am planning on going away to Manchester just for a night as a break end of the month and he heard me and mam discussing it last night and asked was she going and we said yea just for the laugh and he went on at her the whole night about saying she didnt deserve a holiday because she wasnt working and that she was cracked an "aul one like her" going on holidays and it was far from holidays she was rared and all this and he is always calling her a big lump. He also makes her buy him smokes and things for the house and never spends a penny. I am so sick of this and i am starting to resent him for his behaviour. What should i do?

ABajaninCork

Nothing. Don't get involved. Your Mum & Dad's relationship is not your responsibility, I'm afraid...

Clearly your Mum tolerates his (bad) behaviour and knows how to handle your Dad. I'd just ignore it as much as possible. You could try speaking to your mother and see how she feels, maybe advise her how to handle him. but I'm not sure you'd be getting much of an answer. That's why I say it's not your responsibility...

Now - if he speaks to YOU in the same way he speaks to your Mum, then that's another matter, and personally, I would be putting him back in his box PDQ.

QueenBee1

but surely this type of behaviour isnt normal in a marriage?

ABajaninCork

What's normal? It can mean many different things to many different people. If your mother was bothered by your father's behaviour, then she is an adult. And she could take steps to address the problem herself. It's not for you as the 'child' to do it.

QueenBee1

I am not a "child" I am an adult also and I am concerned about my mother. While she doesnt say anything obviously if you were told you were fat and useless on a daily basis it would have an affect on you

boardzz

I think at the time he says it you should say something along the lines of "Don't speak like that to Mum". He will then realise what he is saying is not acceptable. Until now he has got away with it.

ABajaninCork

Did you not notice I put the word 'child' in inverted comma's?

I'll say it again. It is not your place to speak to your father. Your mother has to do that. All you can do is support her...

QueenBee1

Sorry. Its just so frustrating seeing it every day and I really am starting to resent him because my mum does everything for him and me and is the best in the world she doesnt deserve that

ABajaninCork

Of course she doesn't. Nobody deserves that. But SHE is the one to pull your father up. Each and every time he does it.

The fact she's going away with you and (apparently) hasn't paid too much attention to your father's childish antics speaks volumes to me. I think she knows how to handle him....

Ande1975

OP,
Has your Dad always spoken to your mum like this?
How does he speak to you?
What is your relationship with him like? Only understanding that can we advise how to broach this with your parents.
I know my mum vents to me a bit about my dad (who is a great guy) and she sometimes asks me to chat and he is receptive. I have a very good relationship with my folks though.

iguana

ABajaninCork wrote: »

The fact she's going away with you and (apparently) hasn't paid too much attention to your father's childish antics speaks volumes to me. I think she knows how to handle him....

But she isn't going away with the OP. The OP says that they only told the father that the mother was going too as a joke. That may be what speaks volumes, tbh. The fact that it is seen as so unlikely to be true, that it's funny.

OP, perhaps what you could do to help out your mum is to arrange a little trip away for just you and her. Don't say to her or your father that it's because of his behaviour that you have organised it. Just say it's a gift. Perhaps she'll really enjoy the trip and it will inspire her to make a few changes. If nothing else it will give her a respite from constant low-level abuse and make her feel loved and appreciated by you.

MagicMarker

ABajaninCork wrote: »

I'll say it again. It is not your place to speak to your father. Your mother has to do that. All you can do is support her...

Can't say I agree here, would you say the same if it was physical abuse rather than emotional?

Op, tread carefully, try and talk to your dad rather than be confrontational about it, but don't be surprised if nothing improves.

iusedtoknow

Was he in a crappy mood that day? Did they have a "disagreement" that you didn't know about? Everything OK money wise with them?

These are rhetorical. Even though they are your parents, and you are an adult - there are probably a lot of facets to their relationship and life that you just don't know about.

As for the smokes thing, sheesh - i ask my wife to pick things up for me/us all the time as she walks past 5 shops on the way from work. I'm never 100% sure if she pays using our joint cash or her own. Never been an issue for either of us.

What I'm saying is...you may be making a lot out of nothing - they could have had a fight, or he's worried about something. However...if this is a day to day things - try and support your mother on the big things and let the smaller things go. If your father is being verbally abusive, then you should encourage your mother to speak up for herself.

QueenBee1

iusedtoknow wrote: »

Was he in a crappy mood that day? Did they have a "disagreement" that you didn't know about? Everything OK money wise with them?

These are rhetorical. Even though they are your parents, and you are an adult - there are probably a lot of facets to their relationship and life that you just don't know about.

As for the smokes thing, sheesh - i ask my wife to pick things up for me/us all the time as she walks past 5 shops on the way from work. I'm never 100% sure if she pays using our joint cash or her own. Never been an issue for either of us.

What I'm saying is...you may be making a lot out of nothing - they could have had a fight, or he's worried about something. However...if this is a day to day things - try and support your mother on the big things and let the smaller things go. If your father is being verbally abusive, then you should encourage your mother to speak up for herself.

This is every day. He is always calling names and just generally being a p****. we are 5 minute walk to the shop and even if he is passing that shop he will still get her to walk up to buy smokes out of her money and if she asked for something he always asks for money.

SparkySpitfire

Make sure she knows that you're there as emotional support for her now that you're an adult and can understand these things better than you would if you were younger. If she needs help she'll need to know where to turn, gently remind her you're there.

Emotional abuse is a scary intangible scourge. My friends mother is convinced that she in incapable of driving outside the town limits because of constant put down from her husband. She gets a panic attack approaching the outskirts and WILL NOT go further. She's a nervous wreck and believes herself incapable of all manner of things.

I'm not saying your parents' relationship is like this OP, but I think it's important for folks to realise that emotional scars can be just as debilitating as physical ones and if the situation escalates something has to be done to help the mother. It's this attitude of "don't put your nose into other people's problems" that let violence behind closed doors go on for so long unchecked and free from stigma.

lovelyjubbly

Start with your Mam, next time you have her alone test the waters with something like- "I get upset when Dad calls you a fat lump because I don't think that's a nice thing to say to you. I think you are fantastic. Why do you think he would say something like that?". And go from there. Is this a new behaviour for him? How does your Mam react?

Someone else asked if he had a bad day? This does not excuse this type of behaviour.

My dad is like that (and violent) and we were lucky mam was able to get the strength to leave him. He says horrible things to my sisters which I pull him on, but now we spend very little time with him. It's on my terms now and whenever he has an outburst I pull back on visits and answering the phone calls, I'm at the stage where I barely see him which works for me.

Be extra kind to your Mam, compliment her and treat her out (if you can).

Queen-Mise

QueenBee1 wrote: »

I am not a "child" I am an adult also and I am concerned about my mother. While she doesnt say anything obviously if you were told you were fat and useless on a daily basis it would have an affect on you

Yes you are. You are their child. The dynamics are wrong for you to get involved. Anyway it is none of your business.

It is up to your mother to pull up her husband on his behaviour and words, it is not upto the child to do it.

If your mother wants to talk about it, she will bring it up some day.

LegacyUser

My parents had a perfectly normal marriage I think but like everyone else they didn't get along all of the time. When I was a teenager they had a row which started from my father picking up something the wrong way and getting annoyed at my mother. I felt annoyed that my father wasn't listening to my mother so I tried to stand up for her. All I succeeded in doing was making my father really really really angry. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say but repeatedly screamed at me to go away and mind my own business. I certainly learned my lesson that day

I'm telling you this story as a warning about what might happen if you try to intervene. I never knew until then that poking my nose into my parent's business was such a no-no. I understand why you want to help but this is between your mother and your father. By all means give your mother moral support and advice if she looks for it. Be very careful not to overstep the line and become a meddler though. That's just asking for trouble.

PucaMama

careful! wrote: »

My parents had a perfectly normal marriage I think but like everyone else they didn't get along all of the time. When I was a teenager they had a row which started from my father picking up something the wrong way and getting annoyed at my mother. I felt annoyed that my father wasn't listening to my mother so I tried to stand up for her. All I succeeded in doing was making my father really really really angry. He wouldn't listen to anything I had to say but repeatedly screamed at me to go away and mind my own business. I certainly learned my lesson that day

I'm telling you this story as a warning about what might happen if you try to intervene. I never knew until then that poking my nose into my parent's business was such a no-no. I understand why you want to help but this is between your mother and your father. By all means give your mother moral support and advice if she looks for it. Be very careful not to overstep the line and become a meddler though. That's just asking for trouble.

thats not normal behaviour from your father

No Pants

Your Da speaks to your Ma like this in front of you? Then it most certainly is your business and I would ask him to stop.

CaraMay

No Pants wrote: »

Your Da speaks to your Ma like this in front of you? Then it most certainly is your business and I would ask him to stop.

I agree. I would have no qualms about telling him he is acting like an obnoxious bully - seriously!! I doubt he will listen to you but you never know.