When to share personal issues in a new relationship

LegacyUser

A few years ago in my early 20s I had one awful episode of depression. I was out of work for several months & ended up in hospital for several weeks.
Before that I sometimes wondered was I depressed and had gone to 2 counsellors and 2 gps but when nothing seemed to work I kind of felt "well I mustnt be depressed so!" and was nearly relieved. My episode of depression then completely floored me-I didn't realise what was happening til it was really bad.

I drifted from counsellor to psychiatrist feeling like nothing was helping-because it wasn't. I'm so grateful that I was referred to an excellent psychiatrist, I think one of the most highly regarded in the country and everything fell into place as quickly as it crumbled.
To be honest I think the main part for me was the medication, I'm on a very low dose of 3 things & the combination seems to work for me (he's changed it a few times at my request but I always want to go back!) and the low dose of each means iv no side effects. As well as that though, I did CBT and mindfulness courses and feel I'd be better prepared if I were to have another episode.

Still, I find it stressful thinking about telling a new partner about this. Before it happened to me I probably would have thought it was a huge deal so feel I can't expect anything else from others. I don't feel I have issues with low moods/anxiety now as it really does feel like they're under control but I get tired/worn out quite quickly and have issues with sleep (I know they're all connected but sleep problems are the ones I haven't been able to 'fix' as easily)

Anyway, I haven't been in a long term relationship in last few years. I was with two guys for a few months each but ended both as neither felt a good "fit". Now I'm in the early days of a new relationship which feels like it "clicks" really well. I was thinking, I see the psychiatrist once every six months (more if needed but it hasn't been needed) so thought maybe that was a good time frame. I know there's no *real* answer to this but does it sound reasonable to wait 6 months to tell a new partner something like this. Maybe its not even long enough. If it were all in the past I mightnt tell at all but considering I've to take medication every night it could be annoying having to hide it forever ;-)

What do you think, should I wait as long as possible or try to share ASAP?!

dudara

There's no right or wrong answer. I suppose the question to ask is how comfortable do you feel with your new partner? I think when you reach that comfortable point, you'll know when to share.

Secrets in a relationship never work, so I definitely wouldn't recommend keeping it internal. Relationships are all about the good, the bad and sometimes the downright ugly!

Stella11

I wouldn't think it's a good idea to spill all too early in a relationship before the other person has gotten a good chance to know you as how you are now so won't be put off. Too much too soon is never a good thing. I'd wait a bit maybe 3 months to six months depending on how solid you two are. Hope it works out for you.

Tokyo

feedbacknewrelationship wrote: »

What do you think, should I wait as long as possible or try to share ASAP?!

Neither. As dudara rightly stated, there's no set time or deadline in which these words need to be said. It's like telling a person that you love them - you will know when the right moment is, when they will feel comfortable with what you are telling them.

Personally I think that it's a very positive thing that you are taking the steps to tell your partner about this. Depression, like a host of other things, is part of your life, and your partner should be aware of this. Give the relationship a chance to evolve to the point where you feel like sharing this part of you with your partner - only you can know though when that point is.

Good luck with the new relationship OP.

zuhuraswa

Stella11 wrote: »

I wouldn't think it's a good idea to spill all too early in a relationship before the other person has gotten a good chance to know you as how you are now so won't be put off. Too much too soon is never a good thing. I'd wait a bit maybe 3 months to six months depending on how solid you two are. Hope it works out for you.

I would totally agree with this. While honesty is always the best policy, too much too soon is never a good idea-I learnt from experience.

strobe

I'd say whenever you feel that either you, or they, are beginning to genuinely look at the relationship as being a long term thing. Could be two months or two years in, but I think you always know when that point is.

Merkin

First and foremost I am pleased to hear that you got the help you so needed, it sounds like you've recovered really well and are managing the illness wonderfully which is just great.

I think it sounds like it is still early days. Are you exclusive now? Because this really isn't going to directly impact on your relationship (you sound like you're managing well and a relapse unlikely) then I'd wait until you're good and ready. There are no set parameters as to an appropriate time, you'll know when you feel really close to the other person and when you trust them enough to want to share something personal like this. So it really is a case of doing it when the time feels right.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.
Still In very early stages (dating really) of new relationship so it certainly doesnt feel "time" yet but hopefully il know when it's right to bring It up.

Thanks again :-)

LegacyUser

Been there and had the same issue as you. In fact, following my depressive episode, not only I did not tell anyone, but I was terrified a new partner or even friends would find out (didn't help I had a few souvenirs on my wrist from cutting either...). This was back in the 90's, when depression was pretty much unheard of, or at least very much associated with "loonies".

Now a days I do share this with new partners and close friends when we are at the stage of the relationship in which we would share more personal things (let's say, if my partner feels comfortable about sharing some insecurity of his, or some more private childhood episode etc). Obviously I don't say it in the first few dates, but in a way the depression itself - and above all, *overcoming it* - is a huge part of who I am, and I'm actually quite proud of being able to say, "look, I hit rock bottom, but hey, I'm here, laughing, smiling and you know what? I'm freaking strong!". So as weird as it may sound, for me it is now a days more of a story of success than a secret I try to hide.

With that said, I had an ex who - in the middle of a really nasty argument in front of a lot of people - brought it up as a way to attack me. Wasn't nice to have someone I loved screaming in front of a group of mutual friends, for some completely unrelated reason, that "no wonder I got locked up in a nuthouse". But you know what? If it had not been this, he would have found something else I had shared with him to attack me. So screw him. Says more about his character and morals then about me

Above all - be proud of yourself, that you are doing well and that you won this battle.

All the best!