Hate my job & stuck in a rut

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Regular posted going anon. Mods - this is a work related issue but there's also other issues involved, so feel free to move to the Work Problems forum if you feel it appropriate. Apologies for length - need to get this off my chest now.

Long story short - my life is a bit of a mess at the moment. I'm 25 and single and living in Dublin. I've hit a bit of a wall and need some advice from strangers!

I hate my job. I've been in it for 4 years and have made absolutely no progression at all in those 4 years. I've moved around departments but I've only moved horizontally rather than vertically. And the reason, I hear you ask? My boss doesn't like me. He just doesn't like me and refuses to allow me to progress in the business because he just doesn't like me and my personality and the way I work.

A month ago, I put together a proposal for a project. I had this really well planned out and all of the points in my proposal could not be argued with. I submitted this to my line manager and he sent it onto the boss. Boss agreed it was a great idea and was badly needed but not from me. His reason for turning down the project? Because he said so.

Around 3 weeks later, at the request of my line manager, I put together a proposal for why I felt I deserved a pay increase. It was very clear and highlighted the fact that I do basically twice the amount of work of my colleagues on a similar salary. Again, the boss agreed I had some good points but it was still no. I asked for a reason. His reason was because he said so.

I went for an interview last week feigning health issues to get the day off work and I thought it went really well and to be honest, I thought I was going to get the job. It was a decent salary increase, better hours, less bull**** and I was really excited about it. I found out yesterday that not only did I not get the job, but I was second on the list. Fcuking second. Devastated is not the word.

Anyway, that kinda brings me to where I am now. Stuck in a job that I despise, with no prospects of promotion or change. Earning f-all money, crying in the bathroom at work and living off rice and beans for the last 2 weeks of every month. By the time I pay my rent, bills, loans and transport and food for the month, I have no disposable income left. I haven't bought any new clothes since February. I don't wear make up anymore because I can't afford it. I haven't had a night out in about a year and the last time I was in the cinema, it was when Django Unchained was out. I know these aren't essentials, but it's nice to do something other than sit at home watching telly and going to bed early, which is what I do for the entire month. I haven't been in a relationship since 2011, and I can't even remember the last time I had sex.

I have established a small group of friends where I live now, and one very close friend who is very good to me but I know he's a total flake and will fcuk off travelling soon because he has no commitments here.

I can't move house, because I don't have enough money for a deposit plus first month's rent. I will not move home because I don't get on with my parents and I do not want to move back in with them full stop. I can't get a new job, even the ones I am literally perfect for because I'm always second best. On top of all of this, I am madly in love with someone who is never going to look at me the same way, and every time I see them my heart breaks a little bit (not worth going into now, but just for perspective about how crappy things are).

I've been to counselling before but I don't think this is a counselling issue. This is a "I don't know what to do" issue because I have no money and no prospects and it's all just a bit shít.

Anyone who can impart any advice at all, I would really appreciate it because I cannot see the wood for the trees at the moment and I don't really have any friends I can rely on and my parents are broke so they can't give me any support either.

Thanks a million.

Tokyo

OP,

if I'm to be blunt, your post doesn't come across as feeling down or upset - it comes across as angry - at everyone and everything. And an awful lot of assigning blame where you shouldn't really IMHO.

You're angry at your boss because he didn't accept your project proposal, but part of being in the position that you are in is knowing that for every ten proposals, one will probably see fruition.

You're angry at your boss again because you didn't get a pay raise, but he's not obliged to tell you why he came to that decision. To be honest, given the current economic climate, I don't know of anybody who has gotten a pay rise in the last few years.

You're angry that the job interview because you came second. The person you were up against was more suitably qualified, it's that simple.

You're angry at your friend and call him a flake, when all he is doing is heading off to travel and see that world.

You're upset with the person you are madly in love with because according to you he is "never going to look at me the same way"

That's a whole lot of anger and blame right there, and TBH a lot of it is unfairly assigned. I understand that you feel that you are in a tough place right now, but part of taking control of a situation is accepting your part in it and making changes in the areas that are under your influence.

Regarding your work, if you are unhappy there and you feel there's little chance of change or promotion then by all means keep applying for other jobs. But realise that it's going to probably take more than one, or five, or ten interviews before you are successful - that's just the nature of the job market at the moment. It might sound cliched, but a positive mental attitude is important here, and walking into an interview with the attitude of "I'm always second best" will get you absolutely nowhere, and interviewers will pick up on that.

As for the home situation, if you are, as you say, "living off rice and beans for the last 2 weeks of every month" then you seriously need to reassess your budget, and where your money is going. I'm not aware of your background, but there are families out there who have to make it from week to week off a single wage. You say for example that you can't afford to move, but if it's that much of an outlay then you can't really afford not to move either. Have you considered finding a cheaper place to live? Or sharing? As an employed person it should be possible for you to get a short term loan to cover deposit and such until your old deposit is returned. You should also figure out where the rest of your money is going, and see if you can cut things back there too - for example could you drive a smaller car, or use public transport more often? Do you need the phone or internet plan that you are on? Could you shop more practically, could you be more aware of the electricity you use, so on and so forth.

As for the guy, there isn't really much we can do for you there. What makes you think that he wouldn't be interested? If he's said that outright then you should perhaps steer clear of him for a while and focus your attention elsewhere. If he hasn't said that then maybe you should investigate further the possibility of something happening between you both, rather than just defaulting to "he'd never want me anyways".

LegacyUser

Hi Mike_ie,

I know you're frequent around these parts and give very good advice, so I'm a bit upset with your frank reply.

I gather from your response that it appears I am, excuse the French, píssing my money away and that's why I'm broke.

Just for a bit of perspective - I am living in a house share. I did rent by myself and downsized last year to try and get my finances under control. The rent is reasonable, that's not the issue.

I have no disposable income. All of my money goes on rent, bills, loan repayments, helping my parents out, travel to/from work and home and food. I get paid an exceptionally low wage for what I do. In my free time, I run (because I can't afford the gym) and I watch TV. I haven't done anything fun in such a long time.

I have budgeted within an inch of my life. I am not wasting money anywhere. I wish I were, and then I could figure out a way out of this circle but I'm not.

I know things are bad for everyone. I know that. I see it every day with my parents trying to scrape together money to put my baby brother through college.

I know salary increases are not commonplace, but they are happening. I know that for a fact.

I am angry, yes. I'm angry that I'm 25 with a first class honours degree that I'm still paying off and I'm stuck in a dead end job with no career prospects. I'm angry that I work my arse off and get paid pittance and have no life.

I sound spoilt, I realise this. I just think there has to be more to life than working for nothing and having no enjoyment in life. I've tried to further my career and I've tried to get a new job for over 8 months now to no avail. Everything just feels a bit pointless at the moment and I don't know how to make myself more positive when I have €30 until the 29th of this month.

I would appreciate advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation and come through it. If you wish to chastise me for budgeting/time management/moaning/blaming others/not being positive, please do not post as I really don't need to hear any more of that. My mother should have a degree in it.

Ande1975

Hi OP,

Right now it appears to you that you are in a no win situation. Its a frustrating feeling with no apparent exit door.
I don't know what area you work in but it reads to me that you are very good at your job and work very hard. I am guessing you could be working in an area that is highly competitive and an employers market.
You have to deal with one thing at a time. Right now the priority is a higher paying job.
Obviously you come across well in interviews if you are second in line for the role but you need to focus on what you can offer to stand out.
Get feedback. Have you asked your line manager or boss for feedback? What specifically is it about you and the way you work that they do not like? The must beneficial feedback is the stuff that is uncomfortable to hear. You are giving someone a chance to adapt. We don't come to the market with all the right interpersonal skills. These are things we have to learn.
They have to be factual and specific - not vague. If you are delivering, even overdelivering but not advancing because you are not liked is something that can happen but needs addressing as its unfair.

When you do interviews and are unsuccessful - do you get feedback?
I interview a lot of people in my area and for different companies and the one thing that is very important to note that when you are being called for an interview, its to see how you as a candidate would fit within the company culture. How you respond, how you conduct yourself is what's being observed. Your CV shows you can do the job its how you do it is what's important. Research companies you are interviewing, try and talk to someone who works there. Use connections. This is how it works in my field.

Once you have sorted that part of your life, everything else will fall into place.
I can feel the frustration but tackle one thing at a time. You are young and believe me it won't be like this for long but the only person who can change any of this is you. I know that sounds lame but its the reality.

Good luck

Tokyo

broketiredpissedoff wrote: »

Hi Mike_ie,

I know you're frequent around these parts and give very good advice, so I'm a bit upset with your frank reply.

I gather from your response that it appears I am, excuse the French, píssing my money away and that's why I'm broke.

Then I would suggest that you perhaps re-read my post again, because nowhere did I say or imply that you are pissing your money away. Based on the limited information that you provided as an anonymous poster, I advised you to look into areas of your life where perhaps you could re-examine your budgeting strategy. Seeing as you have now provided more information, I can provide more accurate advice. My first suggestion would be to have a chat with your bank and see can you restructure your loan repayments - I'm sure that the bank would prefer for you to pay them back over a longer period of time than not to be able to pay it back at all. Second, I appreciate that you are helping your parents out, but if that's crippling you in the process than you may need to reassess that for now until you are more financially secure. If you're in a house share with friends, look into buying in bulk together or cooking communal meals - it works out a lot cheaper than cooking alone. Also look into ride-sharing in order to get to work (assuming that you drive).

I am angry, yes. I'm angry that I'm 25 with a first class honours degree that I'm still paying off and I'm stuck in a dead end job with no career prospects. I'm angry that I work my arse off and get paid pittance and have no life....

...I just think there has to be more to life than working for nothing and having no enjoyment in life. I've tried to further my career and I've tried to get a new job for over 8 months now to no avail.

Quite honestly that anger shows, in this thread at least, and while you may not appreciate the 'frankness' of my response, that kind of anger doesn't translate well into job interviews, or wage increase discussions with bosses. It's self defeatest, and the first step towards progress would be getting past that, in my opinion.

broketiredpissedoff wrote: »

I would appreciate advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation and come through it. If you wish to chastise me for budgeting/time management/moaning/blaming others/not being positive, please do not post as I really don't need to hear any more of that. My mother should have a degree in it.

Again, re-read my post. Nobody has chastised you, in fact the replies have been nothing if not helpful. And for what it's worth, I give advice based on having been in the same situation on more than one occasion.

Ande1975

To be fair to the OP, there is nothing worse when you feel stuck, angry, frustrated, is to be told to overhaul your attitude. Its just poking the bear.
I know as I've been in scenarios where people fly off the handle when all they want is acknowledgement and understanding. Then they are more receptive to feedback.
Of course this is boards and not face to face.

Back on topic, OP, as I said previously you are obviously very good at your job plus adding the detail that you got first class honours means you are intelligent as well as a hard worker.
That's fantastic.

The thing is, not all hard working, intelligent people get ahead. There's a skill called managing upwards. I've been in my career nearly 20 years and I've seen people get ahead because they can shmooze their seniors. Now that isn't always the case but its not uncommon.

What some of the posters are getting at, is that perhaps, just perhaps you could unintentionally be sabotaging yourself with the approaches you have taken so far. Do you come across as intense? Again I would seek feedback, don't question it, thank them for it.
Read 'Where's the Gift?' by Nigel Bristow.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies folks.

I understand where you are all coming from. I would point out that I am venting on this thread, and have been commended by my employer for my professional and courteous manner on more than one occasion. I would never be like this in work and I keep my rage very much covered up as there's a big "Postive Mental Attitude" movement in work at the moment, so I do my best to adhere to that.

I suppose that makes me even more angry, because I can't express how I feel to anyone I work with. It's a bit like being in a relationship where something big is bothering you, and you can't express that so it builds up and bubbles away inside instead, making the problem worse. The project proposal and pay increase proposal were done in a subdued, here is my proposal let me know what you think kind of way. Not a "I demand this and I want this so give it to me" which is how I think I came across initially.

I don't really have a choice in terms of giving money to my parents, as they are in a bad way financially at the moment and my other sister has gone to Oz and is working on an apple farm there, so she can't send any money home.

I'm just... like I feel I'm going to be working in this place forever and never getting any further than what I do now, which is high pressure and low money. I want to be able to take a holiday or even just get a takeaway on a Friday, and I can't. Everything I can think of to improve my professional prospects - take a course, buy better interview clothes etc - I don't have the money to do.

I know I've built this picture of myself going around raging at the world, but I'm actually fine in the day-to-day, but it's when I hear of people going to a wedding in Spain or getting a new outfit for a party or just having the craic on a night out, it makes me feel so sad and frustrated that I can't do that. It plays on my mind at night and I'm hardly sleeping trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of this bind.

I might talk to the bank and see what they say, although because my account is always down to the last fiver at the end of the month, I don't know how accommodating they will be.

Sorry for snapping at you Mike, I just wanted some empathy rather than what I've already heard before and obviously you didn't know that my mother is the queen of telling me that I need to look at my budget/stop expecting so much of my employer. Sorry again.

Colser

Hi Op...I can certainly see why you feel so frustrated as it seems the chips are really down for you at the moment. I agree with Andy1975 in that you really need to sort the job situation and the rest of your problems should ease as a result.

If you can keep away from the bank at the moment it may be better as you dont want repayments to be another problem to add to your list at the moment.

With regards your present boss/job I would advise that you step back and only do as much as everyone else (can be difficult when you are diligent but try it). Say nothing and let them come to you if they notice and then bring up the subject of workload and pay again.It may be that he knows you are a good worker who wont change even when he treats you badly.

Decide today that you are going to concentrate 100% on changing jobs and dont let up until you are successful (dont be too disheartened if this takes time as you know you deserve better than your current working conditions)

Best of Luck.

Rekop dog

broketiredpissedoff wrote: »

.

I would appreciate advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation and come through it. If you wish to chastise me for budgeting/time management/moaning/blaming others/not being positive.

Anyone who's been through a similar situation and came through it would not display all the negative traits that you have in this thread quite frankly, you need to break from your current woe is me mentality and focus on the positives of which there's many from what I've read.

You're 25 with a first class honours degree and 4 years work experience. In my eyes that makes you highly employable. Young, educated and experienced is three huge boxes ticked for any prospective employer. Changing jobs is always the best way of moving faster up the pay grade in any case, but when there's very little chance of it within your current job it's an absolute no brainer to seek new employment.

LegacyUser

Rekop dog wrote: »

Anyone who's been through a similar situation and came through it would not display all the negative traits that you have in this thread quite frankly, you need to break from your current woe is me mentality

Honestly it's easy for you to say that when you're not in this persons shoes, quite obviously they are finding things tough which is why they came here for advice. I've felt like the OP has many times there's nothing wrong with venting.

But I will agree that getting a new job is the best option for you OP, yes it may be a struggle but you WILL get there. I know how soul destroying it is to get rejected from potential jobs time and time again. But the fact is, you cannot give up, you must keep trying until you get something.

Ande1975

Rekop dog wrote: »

Anyone who's been through a similar situation and came through it would not display all the negative traits that you have in this thread quite frankly, you need to break from your current woe is me mentality and focus on the positives of which there's many from what I've read.

You're 25 with a first class honours degree and 4 years work experience. In my eyes that makes you highly employable. Young, educated and experienced is three huge boxes ticked for any prospective employer. Changing jobs is always the best way of moving faster up the pay grade in any case, but when there's very little chance of it within your current job it's an absolute no brainer to seek new employment.

No offense but I think the OP has heard the attitude feedback loud and clear - no need to labour the point.
It's all very well and good to say change jobs etc but we have no clue what area she is in and it could be highly competitive with candidates with a similar pedigree as herself.
It's not easy to see the wood for the trees when you are in a 'funk'.

Tokyo

broketiredpissedoff wrote: »

Sorry for snapping at you Mike, I just wanted some empathy rather than what I've already heard before and obviously you didn't know that my mother is the queen of telling me that I need to look at my budget/stop expecting so much of my employer. Sorry again.

No harm, no foul - we all need to vent sometimes. Just give me a heads-up beforehand next time!

Your situation seems somewhat clearer in your next post, and to be honest, I think you need to talk to your parents about the financial help that you are providing them because by the sounds of things, what you are doing now isn't sustainable and this is the straw that's breaking the camel's back. You seem to have bitten off more than you can chew (or, possibly, it was thrust upon you) in terms of trying to keep both yourself and your parents afloat, while your sibling is travelling round Australia with none of these concerns. I know that it's difficult, but if they have financial concerns then they may need to take a little more responsibility for them, or find an alternate means of dealing with them through the bank, etc. It doesn't mean you are turning your back on them, but you have to live too, and that may mean reducing how much you pay them for a while until you build a better life for yourself. I have to admit that I find it a little odd that you feel that you *need* to continue providing for your parents too, considering the somewhat tense relationship that seems to exist between you and them.

Keep applying for the jobs, definitely. But I will reiterate what I said above - it's going to take quite a few interviews, and a few heartbreaks over them, before you get the job you want. But rather than getting angry afterwards, take the time out to contact the interviewer and ask for feedback on your interview and how it went - it's an excellent way to improve your interview technique for next time round, and it gives you something to work with, rather than falling into the spiralling thought of "another failed interview".

strobe

You were second on the list for the job? That's not a negative result. With the way things are there could well have been 50 very qualified , experienced people competing for the job, possibly more, and you were just nipped to the post. That one other person was basically the only reason you didn't get it.

The fact that is your reaction, viewing that as an absolute negative, talking about it as you may as well throw the towel in completely because of only just barely missing out on that one job you went for, only seeing bad things about it, suggests you've developed very unhelpful and unhealthy and entirely innacurate negative ways of thinking which can only be hindering you, in terms of both your work and your personal life. (the rest of your posts suggest the same - an innacurate default wholely negative view of things which aren't at all wholey negative.)

As money is an issue perhaps you could look into the free CBT based course that aware.ie carry out? Its a six week once a week course that focuses on developing techniques to control negative thought patterns and help yourself get your head right.

In the meantime keep applying for jobs. If that one other person had've come down with a bout of diahrea the morning of their interview you'd be in that job now.

But the while getting out of the job you hate and into something better and all that comes with that, would obviously improve things for you, I think you may find that snapping out of such a negative way of thinking may not be something that just happens should your circumstances change. Its probably going to take a bit of work, so start now, the sooner you do the easier it'll be. I've heard very positive things so far from people that have attended that aware course. So I'd definitely look into it. Its not a case that you'll walk out of week 6 and be good as new, but it might give you some tools to start reversing the negative mental habits you've developed yourself.

Good luck.

Flippyfloppy

Hi OP

I think this is indeed a Counselling opportunity. Just for somewhere real to vent/ work out your thoughts. It sounds like you can't talk to your parents (you mentioned not getting along) or colleagues and maybe not friends.

Bulk buying good is definitely a viable option.

Finding out what points on your proposal were good and bad would mean at least you're taking something from this job. Use your boss as a mentor, like him or not. Listen to people's opinions.

It doesn't sound like you go out much so I have a serious suggestion, how about babysitting??? You could be employed both Friday and Saturday nights, they might sort out a takeaway for you, and the rate is 10 euro an hour. That's gotta help. And definitely look at restructuring your debt.

You'd also be surprised, if you call your phone/tv & mobile providers , tell them you've been with them X amount of years, but you can no longer afford payments so you'll have to look elsewhere, you might get a good deal.

Are you due any tax refund? From the rent you pay? Medical bills? College fees?

ivytwine

Hey OP, I haven't read all the thread, but I would like to say I know somewhat how you are feeling. I was earning absolutely nothing until around Feb this year. I could have got social welfare supplementary but I kept putting off applying for it. Anyway, dropping sledgehammer hints to my manager eventually worked and I got more hours- will be getting more from June too. I also managed to get a loan to go back to college part time from October too.

I was tired, pissed off and broke too. A couple of nights when I'd left work and missed the bus I'd walk down to the next stop crying in frustration.

But the important thing is that didn't last forever- no situation does. Things will change for you.

Keep applying for jobs and you will get something eventually. The other posters are right tho- the anger in your posts are palpable. It's ok to vent and it's understandable why you are so anger. However, if this is coming across and you're going into interviews with this negative "oh you're not going to hire me" attitude, it will come across. Food for thought.