Am I being taken advantage of?

LegacyUser

Met this nice guy about 1 year ago, most of our relationship has been long-distance as he went abroad for a better job. He is truly committed and talks about marriage and kids (we are both mid-30s). We see each other once every two months and talk a good bit on the phone.

I consider myself an independent woman and rarely come across as clingy and demanding. However – and this may sound petty – I spent a fortune on him for his birthday and valentine’s (150 euro each, and I was unemployed at the time) to get something I knew he really wanted. When my birthday and Christmas came up he sent me flowers for my birthday and nothing for Christmas (he earns a really good salary btw). It is not the money itself but the gesture.

He keeps repeating that he loves me more than he ever loved anyone, that he wants us to be together blablabla but really, I’m starting to think I’m being taken advantage of, or that I made him too comfortable in this situation. When we meet up we go for one or two dinners (and we split the bill) and we have a good amount of sex, which we both enjoy. We never travel together or do anything that requires more thought and planning then grabbing burgers in a semi-trendy pub.

When we are apart, he does his own things and so do I. My mother recently started getting on my case saying he’s taking advantage of me cos basically he gets attention, free sex and doesn’t give much in return other than some skype chats and fancy promises. To make matters worse, he is absolutely not in any kind of sexual/sensual activity via phone or skype, so that means only having sex once or twice every 2 months, which is highly frustrating for me. And I’m mid 30’s and could be wasting my time - both my time to have great sex with other guys more often and my biological time to have kids.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’m beginning to wonder whether my mother is right. I’m trying to be open-minded here, but… what do you guys think of this situation? Am I being taken advantage of?

Karen8

I dont think he's taking advantage of you, that was your own decision to spent a fortune on his birthday and christmas gifts.
I also think that there're comunication problems between you too and your relationship should be discussed with him, not with your mother.

Tokyo

How are you being taken advantage of? Other than the expensive gifts that you chose to buy for him, he splits the bill when it comes to going out together, gives you as much attention as you give him, and agreeing with the notion that he gets "free sex" seems somewhat comical when followed by the complaint that he won't engage in sex chats over skype with you.

To be honest, sentences like "And I’m mid 30’s and could be wasting my time - both my time to have great sex with other guys more often and my biological time to have kids" would lead me to think that *you* are less invested in him than he is in you. If it's going to work then you both need to talk honestly about the future and what you both want. It may be possible to spend more time together, or engage in activities together. But maybe you need to look at yourself and your own feelings, and think hard about whether he's the right person for you. But listen to yourself and how YOU feel, and not your mother.

livemusic4life

All i can say is, having wasted 5 years of my life in a situation that seems very similar to yours is to have the talk about one of ye moving. If thats not an option then leave.

Maybe I'm cynical but if i had my time over again knowing what i know now, i wouldn't have bothered. I just ended up with a broken heart after being used and cast aside when someone closer to home caught his eye.

LegacyUser

OP here, thank you very much for your replies.

Just to clarify, the gifts are just one representative example of what goes on in other areas of our relationship, and I did talk to him about it several times (not about the gifts itself, but about not being comfortable being less than a part time girlfriend for him, and having the feeling he doesn't put much thought into our relationship, other than repeating that he wants to get married "someday").

Again, the problem is not the money, the problem is that after 1 year he couldn't be arsed to think of anything more personal to give me than flowers. So what is it gonna be this year? Teddy bears and chocolates? (anyone that knows me just a little bit knows I'm def not the type of girl who is into this things, and I have a zillion hobbies that, had he paid enough attention, he could have bought something really nice with 20 euro).

Mike, yeah, he splits the bills, and he is happy to have sex once every two months. Well, I'm not. Perhaps I have a higher sex drive them he does, but no, it's not enough for me to only have sex every second month. Perhaps he is too engaged in his amazing new job and his great new friends in this foreign country and it suits him to have guaranteed sex encounters every second month and someone to talk to about the weather via Skype on the rare nights when he is bored at home. But for me, if I wanted to talk about trivial things on Skype and have no sex life when I'm still young and can enjoy myself, I'd get myself a penpal, not a boyfriend.

What other activities can we engage in together, when he is living in another continent? Online chess? He may talk about kids and marriage, but nothing has changed in this dynamics for 1 year, and I'm the one who won't be able to bear children in another 2-3 years, not him. I am the one who will find it much harder to find a new partner to build a life together when I'm 38-39, not him. He has all the time of the world, hence he lack of urgency. We did talk about the future and he says all the beautiful words but yet there's no end in sight for his time abroad (it was initially going to be a temp job of 6 months, but it got extended), and I have no intentions of moving there.

It's not about my mother having a saying in the relationship. It's just that I'm afraid that, as livemusic4life and my mother said - both being women and having had experience in a similar situation - that there may be be more to this situation than I'm able to see at the moment, and it might be too late when I realise I wasted my time and my youth waiting for something that won't materialise.

Thank you very much for your insights.

diveout

Make it an open relationship. Problem solved.

Obliq

OP, like Mike above, I really think you need to do a bit of self-examining here and figure out is this the guy for you.

If I was in a semi-long-distance situation with my fella, I would be frustrated yes. But I know I'd be talking about all the options with him before thinking I could get more/better sex somewhere else. If I thought I could get better fun elsewhere, well.....he wouldn't be my fella, and he'd deserve better than a woman who thinks that.

Regarding your Ma's opinion. If you haven't spotted for yourself that marriage to this fella would consist of the excitement of an odd dinner in a gastro-pub and a few bunches of flowers, then I can see why your Mum has given you her opinion. To me, a relationship (married or not) should have some shared interests, so perhaps approaching him about some weekends away or something special (doesn't need to be expensive - a trip to go hill walking or sightseeing only costs the petrol) would give you a better idea of whether he's up for doing something different with you. Unless you speak up and ask for changes, you can't tell if you're being taken advantage of in any way.

Merkin

zzzzzzzzzzzzffffffffffdddd wrote: »

he is happy to have sex once every two months. Well, I'm not. Perhaps I have a higher sex drive them he does, but no, it's not enough for me to only have sex every second month. Perhaps he is too engaged in his amazing new job and his great new friends in this foreign country and it suits him to have guaranteed sex encounters every second month and someone to talk to about the weather via Skype on the rare nights when he is bored at home. But for me, if I wanted to talk about trivial things on Skype and have no sex life when I'm still young and can enjoy myself, I'd get myself a penpal, not a boyfriend.

So why are you with him? Genuinely? Your post comes across as you don't even LIKE the guy, let alone love him. And he's putting in little to no effort either. You have a shag every couple of months and talk about the weather over Skype? It sounds like a barrel of laughs.

As for being taken "advantage" of? What antiquated language and not surprisingly coming from someone much older. How exactly is he taking advantage? If you choose to shower him with gifts in between talks about the weather and the occasional roll in the hay then that's your prerogative.

This sounds dead in the water to be honest. It doesn't sound like you communicate. There doesn't seem to be any tangible affection. You seem to resent him being abroad, resent the things you buy for him, resentful that he's robbing you of your fertile years - I'd call it quits if I were you.

CaraMay

Sounds to me like you are with him because you don't want to start again. You don't seem to like him, don't respect him and aren't happy with your sex life. I think you should both be free to meet people you are compatible with.

skooterblue2

If he doesnt know after a year........ you are wasting time

Emme

zzzzzffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

Met this nice guy about 1 year ago, most of our relationship has been long-distance as he went abroad for a better job. He is truly committed and talks about marriage and kids (we are both mid-30s). We see each other once every two months and talk a good bit on the phone.

OP, have you gone over to see him and stayed with him for weekends in the country where he works?

It's easy to talk about marriage and kids and come across as being committed but he has ample opportunity to cheat abroad and have his needs met there.

I think you're wasting your time. Have a talk with him about one of you moving closer to where the other lives and see where that goes. If it doesn't go anywhere move on. He has a half-assed attitude to your relationship - he skimps on presents and you don't travel together only go to pubs. I don't blame your mother if she thinks he's only in it for easy sex.

When I was in my 20s I was in a long-distance relationship and he couldn't make his mind up over anything. We met here when he was in college and after a year he went abroad for work. The relationship finished when he confessed to cheating on me with someone he met abroad.

Riskymove

skooterblue2 wrote: »

If he doesnt know after a year........ you are wasting time

It's funny how these things seem to go from zero to dumpsville in about 10 seconds

OP, if you have not raised any of these issues over the year then you are giving the impression everything is ok. If he is comfortable with things and you are only venting in online fora rather than saying anything, you are enabling this situation you are unhappy with.

You seem to think he has some fantastic life abroad when it would appear he is in exactly the same situation as you. The difference seems to be that he is happy and you are not.

At the very least talk it out

Bafucin

zzzzzffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

Met this nice guy about 1 year ago, most of our relationship has been long-distance as he went abroad for a better job. He is truly committed and talks about marriage and kids (we are both mid-30s). We see each other once every two months and talk a good bit on the phone.

I consider myself an independent woman and rarely come across as clingy and demanding. However – and this may sound petty – I spent a fortune on him for his birthday and valentine’s (150 euro each, and I was unemployed at the time) to get something I knew he really wanted. When my birthday and Christmas came up he sent me flowers for my birthday and nothing for Christmas (he earns a really good salary btw). It is not the money itself but the gesture.

He keeps repeating that he loves me more than he ever loved anyone, that he wants us to be together blablabla but really, I’m starting to think I’m being taken advantage of, or that I made him too comfortable in this situation. When we meet up we go for one or two dinners (and we split the bill) and we have a good amount of sex, which we both enjoy. We never travel together or do anything that requires more thought and planning then grabbing burgers in a semi-trendy pub.

When we are apart, he does his own things and so do I. My mother recently started getting on my case saying he’s taking advantage of me cos basically he gets attention, free sex and doesn’t give much in return other than some skype chats and fancy promises. To make matters worse, he is absolutely not in any kind of sexual/sensual activity via phone or skype, so that means only having sex once or twice every 2 months, which is highly frustrating for me. And I’m mid 30’s and could be wasting my time - both my time to have great sex with other guys more often and my biological time to have kids.

As much as I hate to admit it, I’m beginning to wonder whether my mother is right. I’m trying to be open-minded here, but… what do you guys think of this situation? Am I being taken advantage of?

Is he seeing someone else too?

Have you said you would like him to make more effort?

Long distance relationships are very difficult to be satisfied with.

I guess tell him your feelings and see if he is the type of person who can give you what you need in a relationship.

If you tell him and he cannot or does not want that then you guys are not suited.

If you feel you are being taken advantage of then express it.

If I was feeling i was being taken advantage of I would say and if i felt I could not say I would end things.
If you feel like you could talk about it then try that.

But you deserve what you give. If you need more then you need more. And there are others out there who will give that.

zuhuraswa

skooterblue2 wrote: »

If he doesnt know after a year........ you are wasting time

I agree with scooter on this. But from you post, it also seems that maybe you are not communicating well and the guy does not know/understand your expectations regarding your future together. You definitely need to talk.

Idle Passerby

Are you living on separate continents indefinitely? If so it seems a lost cause.

If he has lived abroad the whole time you've been together and you only meet every second month that is barely anything after a whole year.

He may want to get married 'someday' but has he said he wants to marry you? I wouldn't take vague comments from a man living on another continent as grounds that he see's any sort of future with you.

You say in your post that you have 'a good amount of sex' but later on you say it isn't enough. It cant be both.

In terms of the gifts, he's not taking advantage, it was your choice to buy him expensive things. The apparent lack of thought he put into your gift isn't a great sign considering the distance and infrequent contact.

_Whimsical_

I say get out now OP. I'm not usually one to throw out stark advice like that but really it just does not sound like you are not having any of your needs meet here and unfortunately it doesn't sound like he has much interest in meeting them.
It sounds like you might be his comfort blanket to cushion his move abroad, until he finds his feet you are a great back up plan. It seems very odd to me that he is talking about marriage and kids after one year while showing little interest in chatting with you not to mention seeing you or talking seriously about one of you moving to be together to live with one another.That strikes me as suspicious . it just doesn't ring very true.

I'm not materialistic but I do think that gifts matter sometimes, particularly when you're seperated, you need some tangible sense that he's thinking of you and that your a priority in his life. I also think even if it's not popular that how someone chooses to spend their money often reflects what's of value to them. Not getting his future wife a Christmas gift when she is unemployed and has got him a gift is weird . Why would he not want to treat you or make you feel special if he is planning to marry you?

Maybe this is just is way, he's one of those unthoughtful people who doesn't understand his partners basic needs. If that's true do you want that to be a permanent fixture in your life? Is he the type of person you want to marry and have children with?
It doesn't sound like you do. I think you should do yourself a favour and move on.

_Whimsical_

Also everyone here seems to be very hung up on the gifts. I'm open to correction but I don't think the OP is here worrying about the gifts and being taken advantage of in that respect. I think she's feeling that she is being told she is very special to someone, that he wants to marry her and that she is acting as if this were true. She's shelving her own sexual needs, she's out buying thoughtful gifts and she's wondering if she's being a mug for believing this sweet talk when she can't put her finger on anything that suggests is true. I think that's where she feels she's being taken advantage or even plain lied to.

Big Bag of Chips

If you want more frequent sex then you are in the wrong relationship. Not meaning to state the obvious but you live on different continents. It's not like he's somewhere relatively close and can pop home every 2nd weekend.

Phone/Skype sex is not for everyone. If he's not into it then he's not into it.

I get the impression from your posts that you don't feel this fella is "the one". He's the one you are with because you feel time is running out for you so you'll stick with him and hope he sorts himself out rather than break up and have to start again.

What is the future plan? You are unemployed, he has work on a different continent. So.. have you plans to move over to him and find work? Or does he give up his job and move back here to possibly no work? If you are going to be married you need to at least live together.

He doesn't seem to have any plan, but neither do you. You are waiting for him to do something about it. I think he's right to not commit to a sooner rather than later date. You don't know each other. You don't appear to be particularly compatible. There is a lot about the relationship you are not happy with. And yet you are stressing over not moving it along and having concrete plans for a wedding. There is a lot more work needed on your relationship before either of you should be seriously considering getting married.

You are not happy with the status of your relationship. Long distance in such a new relationship is undoubtedly difficult. You have lots of complaints about it, but don't seem to be trying to find any solutions. Instead preferring to lay all the blame at his feet.

He seems happy enough to see how things go for the moment. You are not happy. So it's up to you to tell him how you are feeling and what you would like to happen, and when, rather than up to him to read your mind.

You say you want a bf, not a penpal.. well I'm afraid then it would seem like you need to find someone closer to home.

skooterblue2

zzzzzffffffffffhhhhhhhhhhhh wrote: »

He is truly committed and talks about marriage and kids (we are both mid-30s).

And I’m mid 30’s and could be wasting my time - both my time to have great sex with other guys more often and my biological time to have kids.

Fertility is a big issue that is over looked. Girls aged 19-22 get pregnant very quickly (3 month) from regular unprotected sex. During the twenties this is good, Early thirties may need a little help. Late thirties you get into assisted reproduction and technicalities. Nobody ever talks about it. then there are difficulties with Autism and other complications. There is never an ideal time for kids because you are in college, starting a job, opening a business, sick parent something else going on. Kids happen and people work around it.

If you want kids .... you are really short on time here. Life is hard enough to meet someone and as you get older it becomes so much harder with constraints and other baggage. Make the most of life and remember you only get one shot so make it count.

dixiefly

zzzzzzzzzzzzffffffffffdddd wrote: »

OP here, thank you very much for your replies.

Just to clarify, the gifts are just one representative example of what goes on in other areas of our relationship, and I did talk to him about it several times (not about the gifts itself, but about not being comfortable being less than a part time girlfriend for him, and having the feeling he doesn't put much thought into our relationship, other than repeating that he wants to get married "someday").

Again, the problem is not the money, the problem is that after 1 year he couldn't be arsed to think of anything more personal to give me than flowers. So what is it gonna be this year? Teddy bears and chocolates? (anyone that knows me just a little bit knows I'm def not the type of girl who is into this things, and I have a zillion hobbies that, had he paid enough attention, he could have bought something really nice with 20 euro).

Mike, yeah, he splits the bills, and he is happy to have sex once every two months. Well, I'm not. Perhaps I have a higher sex drive them he does, but no, it's not enough for me to only have sex every second month. Perhaps he is too engaged in his amazing new job and his great new friends in this foreign country and it suits him to have guaranteed sex encounters every second month and someone to talk to about the weather via Skype on the rare nights when he is bored at home. But for me, if I wanted to talk about trivial things on Skype and have no sex life when I'm still young and can enjoy myself, I'd get myself a penpal, not a boyfriend.

What other activities can we engage in together, when he is living in another continent? Online chess? He may talk about kids and marriage, but nothing has changed in this dynamics for 1 year, and I'm the one who won't be able to bear children in another 2-3 years, not him. I am the one who will find it much harder to find a new partner to build a life together when I'm 38-39, not him. He has all the time of the world, hence he lack of urgency. We did talk about the future and he says all the beautiful words but yet there's no end in sight for his time abroad (it was initially going to be a temp job of 6 months, but it got extended), and I have no intentions of moving there.

It's not about my mother having a saying in the relationship. It's just that I'm afraid that, as livemusic4life and my mother said - both being women and having had experience in a similar situation - that there may be be more to this situation than I'm able to see at the moment, and it might be too late when I realise I wasted my time and my youth waiting for something that won't materialise.

Thank you very much for your insights.

I think that you have made up your mind and dont really need advice here. I cant comment if either of ye are in the wrong here but you are not happy so would definitely advise you to end it.

skooterblue2

Be very careful here ... grass is always greener on the other side ......
You know what it is like dating mid thirties? even late thirties

You have people who have theses issues that are completely un related to you and you are expected to deal with them and accomodate them. Finding a single, straight educated guy with drink, substance, gambling, mental health issue with a job and not living at home is like finding a Dodo egg. They are hard enough to come by and when you do meet them they are usually negated by they are someone elses property.

Put some effort into seeing if you can fix it first. Good guys are hard to come by

cactusgal

I broke off an LDR that was going nowhere when I was 36. Shortly following, I started going out with an acquaintance, a guy (33) who I'd always thought was nice but had never paid much attention to before, bc I was so caught up with LDR guy (who also claimed to want to marry me, etc, but his actions said just the opposite!)

Fast forward 10 months, and I am SO so glad that I made the decision to end my LDR. My boyfriend now is truly the loveliest guy that I've ever met, I love him to bits and as time goes by, we are getting closer and closer. I feel so lucky to have met him. It's cliche, but I can truly say that each day is better than the last.

So. Don't lower your standards, age 30 something or not!

MugMugs

skooterblue2 wrote: »

Finding a single, straight educated guy with drink, substance, gambling, mental health issue with a job and not living at home is like finding a Dodo egg. They are hard enough to come by and when you do meet them they are usually negated by they are someone elses property.

Put some effort into seeing if you can fix it first. Good guys are hard to come by

By god, I never realised I was so rare !

OP, don't live your life by what if's. Live you life by the now !

Merkin

cactusgal wrote: »

So. Don't lower your standards, age 30 something or not!

I wholeheartedly echo this sentiment. Don't ever settle, you'll regret it if you do.

skooterblue2

MugMugs wrote: »

By god, I never realised I was so rare !

read it again there is an age factor in there as well, mid to late thirties ..... bit like finding a Unicorn

Maphisto

I agree with Sunflower. Given his Superduper job couldn't he treat you to a fekking meal?

Have you ever been out to his job? Is that a possibility, that you could talk to him about? Maybe as a present he could help you with the fare.

Does he have a g/f or live with someone in this foreign country?

Fudge You

If the op is not working. Why doesnt she plan on moving over???

Does your boyfriend even know what you have written here?
Communication is the key. Before you dump him, talk things through.

Carlos Orange

Talking about being taken advantage of or in terms of clocks is probably the wrong way to go. There is a certain relationship dynamic and each of you is either happy with it or wants more. If you are both happy that is cool , if not you need to talk about practical steps and timelines to improve it.

It sounds like you only ever meet when he is in Ireland. Maybe suggest spending some time together where he is. It mightn't be terribly practical to do but his reaction will tell a lot. It also sounds like even when he is in Ireland you don't see a lot of him. The one LDR I was in we were basically living in each others pockets when in the same country. Doesn't sound good if you are not but that depends on what you both want.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thank you very much for your insights, it has been great help.

I appreciate those who understood this is not about presents, it is about acting in accordance with his words and promises. To clarify, we are both highly skilled and could easily get a job both here or abroad - the reason why he went abroad has more to do with "personal growth and soul searching" than the recession. The reason why I'm not gonna move to a different continent "even though I'm unemployed" - as someone suggested - is because I'm an independent human being who worked and studied really freaking hard my entire life, I have a lease with my landlord for a house I like, friends I love and a life here and I'm not willing to leave all this behind for someone to doesn't compromise on his whims and gives me empty promises. And for a country I have no interest in and can't speak the language.

I had yet another long discussion with him about this tonight, as I had several times before, so he is aware of my frustration. Yet when he visits Dublin we spend very little time together. And he resents me for suggesting he should spend more time with me than with friends and family. Well, I resent him for expecting me to wait indefinitely (at least another 3-4 years) for us to then see whether we are compatible sharing a house or not. I think I'd like a "make or break it" approach, even if we were to go away the two of us for just 1 week abroad, no interference from parents or friends, and figure out whether we would kill each other or not....

The reason I'm still with him is because I genuinely love him. I have no problems dating and attracting guys, mid-thirties or not, but to be honest I am not particularly desperate for marriage and kids to the point of settling. Which may come as a surprise to him.

As Sunflower and Whinsical said, when in a LDR and especially at mid-30's, gestures speak louder than words, and this is why I may come across as demanding. I begged him to go for a day or a weekend together while he still lived in Dublin (in the beginning of the relationship I was earning good money and he was unemployed, and I offered to pay for it) yet he was never interested, as he was too busy with beers with the lads or sunday dinners with his family. We just don't know each other at all to move in together, and much less to have babies and marriage. Yet he doesn't get that.

As Oliq said, this is exactly what worries me: "that marriage to this fella would consist of the excitement of an odd dinner in a gastro-pub and a few bunches of flowers". Forever. I mean, if in the first years together we don't do anything fun or special as a couple, when will that happen? In fairness, he is a lovely guy, very sweet, we have great sexual chemistry, I doubt he would cheat on me and I do know he loves me. But I also get annoyed he makes all these promises and then acts like a freaking player. At least with a player I know where I'm standing and have no feelings or expectations.

I'm sorry for venting here, I'm just very hurt and frustrated, and I don't know whether I'm being harsh on him or whether I'm just being an idiot and wasting my time.

Maphisto

Hi OP thanks for the background information. It puts things into context.

The key part for me was that he does not spend all of his leave with you when he's over here. That removes any doubt I'm afraid. I'm as sure as I can be that you are being taken advantage of.

I wish you well OP

CaraMay

Op it's a dead end and sounds like the continuation if a similar post from a few months back?

You won't move to him for valid reasons and he won't move home so what's the point?

Merkin

adfadsfadfadffa wrote: »

I had yet another long discussion with him about this tonight, as I had several times before, so he is aware of my frustration. Yet when he visits Dublin we spend very little time together. And he resents me for suggesting he should spend more time with me than with friends and family.

Didn't you start a thread on this very topic just a couple of short months ago? It was based solely around the fact that this guy comes back to Dublin for weekends but doesn't spend a moment alone with you, preferring instead to spend time with family and friends?

Regardless of whether you did or not, you are very clearly flogging a dead horse here. The simple fact of the matter is that he clearly doesn't want to spend any of his spare time with you. You don't really need to know anything else. I'd be pulling the plug on this with immediate effect, he's not as interested as you think and his declarations of love are empty when he can't actually be arsed to spend any time with you.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok, from your latest post your situation does sound very similar to a post here just before Christmas. If that was you, then I think you need to reread that thread, and reread this thread and see that in the space of 5 months, nothing has changed. And you need to be honest with yourself. You say you love him... but from your posts it doesn't sound like you really really do! You are annoyed, frustrated, disappointed, feel you are just being used for sex whenever he's home.

You have to take a little bit of responsibility here. This has been the situation for as long as you have been in a LDR - yet you keep expecting things to magically change. They are not going to change. People cannot fundamentally change. He is the way he is. You are the way you are. You both just sound incompatible. You are reaching an age now where you are thinking marriage and kids sooner rather than later - he is giving you a date of 3 or 4 years, before you even live together? Are you planning on getting married whilst still living apart? Having a child and being effectively a single mother until he gets home?

These are all options that could work. But, and this seems to be the big problem - he doesn't seem interested in any of that for the moment. And even if he does agree to it - are you going to get any "family time" together when he comes home? Or are you going to be slotted in there along with all the friends and other family members.

I'm not saying you don't love him. I'm not saying he doesn't love you. But there is just too much that needs to change for you to be happy with this relationship. I just wonder are you wasting your time trying to change so much to get it to a place where you are happy? And would you be better off starting afresh with someone who is closer to what you need in a bf and in a relationship?

Defiler Of The Coffin

adfadsfadfadffa wrote: »

I'm sorry for venting here, I'm just very hurt and frustrated, and I don't know whether I'm being harsh on him or whether I'm just being an idiot and wasting my time.

You're not an idiot OP but you're certainly wasting your time. I know you said you love him but what good is it when he just isn't that bothered about you? Home every two months and even then he can't even spend a full day with you? It's going nowhere and you know it.