Need some advice for dealing with problems that have taken over my life

harbtibes

Hi,
This might be a bit of an essay I'm seeing if anybody offer me some resources/advice on my situation.

I've been severely depressed for at least 5 years at this stage. It's very much a self-esteem related issue. I'm 25 years old. It's very intimately related to a problems with social anxiety and general anxiety. I've had to drop out of college twice over these problems. I dropped out of an engineering degree in trinity and then went on to drop out of a degree in NUIM. I really tried hard with the degree in NUIM but I was too anxious to talk to anybody that I was in classes with and didn't make a single friend for 3 years. I was so anxious walking around and just kept to myself. I had huge trouble with assignments and just couldn't get them done despite spending dozens of hours on them. I went to see various counsellors and the different people there to support students having a hard time but I eventually just stopped going in and didn't even contact the college to tell them I had dropped out.

When I came started in college at age 18, I was very chatty and very friendly, despite being incredibly self-conscious. I got to know lots of people and people would have considered me as sociable but it got to the stage where I felt that people started getting a very different social vibe off me which made them uncomfortable. I became severely depressed and went to see various therapists and psychiatrists but honestly I have received no lasting help from any of it. I've tried CBT, an anxiety treatment programme, I was on a heavy dose of antidepressants for 3 years and I really feel that I have run out of options. All I do is think about suicide and I figure if I this same person in 4 years time then I will let my family and friends know in good time and tell them that I cannot bear to live a life so filled with sadness and so devoid of any meaning or satisfaction. I am not currently a danger to myself so please don't post any suicide resources. I've literally felt this way for 3 years.

The issues are very related to the way that I view myself and my mind berates me all day. I constantly tell myself that I'm a loser and compare myself to every single person that walks down the street. I feel like I have nothing going for me. All I think about is suicide and I really have no idea how to solve any of the problems in my life. I am really gut-wrenchingly sad nearly all day every day. I am incredibly lonely and have never had a girlfriend despite wanting one. Before all these problems started, I wasn't hugely successful with girls but it wasn't a major problem. I feel completely undesirable and complete piece of **** and I'm just unbearably lonely. Since I dropped out of college, I have begun working full time but I spend most of the time feeling miserable and unable to tell anyone about it. I have gotten fired from 3 jobs since last year. They are all waiting jobs and waiting jobs make me miserable and anxious but I have no skills to go and look for anything. I'm currently seeing a therapist but honestly, it's little to no ****ing help. I've been to see half a dozen therapists in the past 5 years and I always quit because I feel that it's not helping me at all. I'm only sticking with going to see this one because I heard that people like me tend to give up when they begin to address the fundamental underlying problems in their lives. My parents have been trying to help for years but they don't know what they can do anymore. Neither do I. There is no release for me at all from feeling really profoundly sad and lonely.

I have so many issues that I feel that I need to mention that I don't know how I'm going to explain them all here. I spend all my free time by myself apart from the odd night out with people that I know. I'm exercising, reading and working to pay my rent and trying to live a normal life but my mind just won't let me be OK.

The depression and the way that my mind berates me consistently doesn't let me achieve growth of any kind. I am literally the exact same person I was when I started experiencing these neuroses 5 years ago. I don't know how to move on. Nobody calls me anymore. I've stopped contacting people because I feel that I make people uncomfortable by contacting them (via facebook, text or whatever) and they're just happier without me.

All I want is some friends but I feel that I make people uncomfortable in my company. I think it's got to do with the fact that all that's on my mind when I'm with someone is how miserable I am and I obviously can't talk about it or people will want to hang out with me less. I go through periods of near complete social reclusion for months on end because when I stop contacting people to find out about social happenings (and I really have to force this), nobody contacts me at all (apart from maybe 4 friends) and my social life cease to exist. I seem to be able to get on with people in alot of social contexts but I feel it's not just my imagination that people don't want me around. A group of people that I had been spending alot of time with for the past year or so (despite the fact that I've known them for years) didn't seem at all bothered when I dropped off the social map completely- no contact whatsoever. I guess I slipped into social reclusion because I got depressed by how easy it was for me to do so and not be missed. I find it unbearably hard to form close relationships with people.

I feel that there is a different set of rules for me socially. I feel that it's not just in my head that people behave like they're really uncomfortable interacting with me. Conversation doesn't seem to flow and people just really don't seem to enjoy my company. I feel that I am an embarassment when I'm around some people and cringing at nearly everything I say. But in other situations I can be really socially charming. I know quite alot of people but I feel that I have hardly any friends. I feel like such a coward because I'm just living my entire life forced into this horrible place by my anxiety and fear of what people might think of me if I try to live my life any differently. I'm convinced that

I've posted posts like this all over mental health forums on the internet trying to get some advice but I feel that there's a very american mentality encased in each of the responses that doesn't seem to understand my issues from a perspective of irish social culture.

I'm well aware that nearly everybody experiences problems like this to some degree but I can't deal with the pain that mine are causing me any longer. I've been in the same boat for years and I need to start moving in a different direction.



It's a bit of laundry list of problems but does anybody have any advice that might help me to solve some of these problems?

I'm not looking to feel on top of the world but the depths of these moods and my sadness just won't let me accomplish anything in my life. I just want to feel some relief from this pain.

littleblackDRS

Hi OP,
Am just wondering if you have seen a GP about getting referred to see a psychiatrist? I know when I was in counselling, my counsellor told me my issues were well beyond what she could help me with as a therapist, and that I would probably need medical care. It could be something to think about if you feel like you aren't getting enough out of therapy. I know a lot of people swear by CBT, have you tried anything like that in therapy?

Edit: ah apologies, I just reread your OP and seen you have. Sorry, my advice isn't much good then, my only advice would be to try to stick in out in therapy!

harbtibes

Yeah, I've tried going to see 2 psychiatrists before and was prescribed antidepressants which helped for maybe 6 months before there was a steady 6 month decline back to exactly how I was. It's very related how I think and the poor things that I believe about myself. I get the impression that the 2 psychiatrists that I saw really didn't think my ailments mattered that much and just put it down to a slightly anxious personality. Seeing them, I felt that I was just whinging when I complained about how miserable and really deeply sad I feel nearly every minute of every day.

I really don't understand when people talk about depression as STRICTLY a numb lack of feeling inside but my depression is very acute mental pain. I feel that sort of apathy and numbness when it comes to doing things; I have no motivation and I just think- "what's the point?".

I am seeing a psychiatrist at the moment irregularly who takes a drug-free approach. I have been in and out of so many mental health professionals' offices though that I feel that I've just lost faith that I can be really helped anymore.

Colser

Hi Op...Can I ask why you stopped taking the antidepressants when you felt that they were helping? Also do you feel that anything in your upbringing may have caused how you are feeling?

littleblackDRS

Ah i understand. It gets real easy to start slipping into the mindset that it wont get better. How did you find CBT? It's supposed to be very effective with intrusive thoughts like that.

Just thinking about it, a lecturer of mine does ACT therapy, it seems to be doing fairly well, she's massively antimedication, but apparently it does get results. Something to maybe look into perhaps?

harbtibes

Colser, the antidepressants only worked for about 6 months in making me feel better and I was on them for 3 years, and my psychiatrist kept on upping the dose. By the time I had finished I they were having no effect on my mood whatsoever.

I was bullied quite a bit in secondary school. It ranged between being kind of vicious and me just being the butt of every joke. I just tried to act like it never happened and don't talk about it at all. That and the fact that I had a stepfather (who turned out to be a complete sociopath) who really belittled everything I did are probably the reasons I have such low self-esteem. I just think of myself as worthless and a complete and utter loser- one of the reasons I can't convince myself to invest time and love in anything because I believe that it will just turn out as worthless as I am.

harbtibes

Littleblack, I tried CBT with a therapist but I didn't find it to be overly helpful. It's my depression that just undermines everything and makes me go "what's the point?". I don't know whether to feel that I truly tried and it didn't work or that I didn't really try- my mind has this horrible way of making me second guess everything to the point that I just feel utterly lost and hopeless about it all.

Leilak

Have u heard of a group called Recovery ? l was in a similar position as you are now and through going to meetings l must say l am a different person, by sharing your problems you would get enormous relief and gain great insight into your mental health - look them up there are meetings all over the country

littleblackDRS

Ah I see. I think you really need to know that you tried your hardest with it. I know it's so clichéd, but nothing will change unless you do. You really need to throw yourself into the process, and be actively trying to recover, or else its just could be just going through the motions really.

A group, like the other poster mentioned, could be helpful, even just for the support.

Colser

harbtibes wrote: »

Colser, the antidepressants only worked for about 6 months in making me feel better and I was on them for 3 years, and my psychiatrist kept on upping the dose. By the time I had finished I they were having no effect on my mood whatsoever.

I was bullied quite a bit in secondary school. It ranged between being kind of vicious and me just being the butt of every joke. I just tried to act like it never happened and don't talk about it at all. That and the fact that I had a stepfather (who turned out to be a complete sociopath) who really belittled everything I did are probably the reasons I have such low self-esteem. I just think of myself as worthless and a complete and utter loser- one of the reasons I can't convince myself to invest time and love in anything because I believe that it will just turn out as worthless as I am.

Hi harbtibes...Therein obviously is the root of your problems but Im not sure where you need to go to get help with this.I know that when you grow up in an enviroment like that it affects you for the rest of your life and medication really only masks it in my opinion.

I have seen the MOds putting up a link here now and again for a councellor which is free afaik could you ask them to send the link to you as it might me worth a try.

I honestly feel when you grow up in a house where you get no back up support it leads you to feel really worthless and people are really quick to pick up on this which is probably what led to the bullying in school. I wish i knew the answers to rectifying or reversing the damage but I dont so I hope some professional/qualified person can give you the help that you need. Take Care..

Ande1975

OP,

Nothing affects me more on boards when I read posts like yours. It just breaks my heart. You are a worthwhile, capable, intelligent person who needs to realise that people want you as their friend.
How we are treated as we grow up has a massive impact on us as individuals.
I'm nearly 40 and I look back now and see how my parents have shaped me (for better and certainly for worse) who I am as a person BUT I am my own person.
Like you are your own person. I know you said you hate the american shmalsy talk but there is truth in it.
Our minds and how we feel about ourselves are our own worst enemies.
Our 20s are the years where we come into our own as adults and form adult relationships and by God its hard. You learn the best and worst about people and yourself but you are not better nor worse than the person next to you.
Do you have any evidence that people don't want to be around you? Do you have any evidence that you are loser? No! You got into Trinity!
I seem to be all about the books today but I came across a pdf online called the New Psycho- cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Its a pdf of a book written in the 60s I think. Now don't let the title put you off.
Its very interesting that this guy was a Cosmetic Surgeon in the 60s and he found that people came to his surgery looking for external change to fix the internal problems. Read a few chapters if you can as its all about self image. If you really believe you are a loser, you will look for proof that you are a loser but in reality its not who you are.
I wish I'd seen this book when I was in my 20s but then again, I may not have 'gotten' it but perhaps you will.

xzanti

OP I've heard good things about Aware www.aware.ie

They have many different meeting locations, maybe there's one in your area.

I really hope you find comfort, it is a terrible affliction.