struggling with being alone

LegacyUser

I broke up with my ex in December after I found out that he had cheated on me multiple times throughout our relationship. To say I was devastated doesn't cut it. My whole life was turned upside down and even though it's 6 months down the line, I don't feel any better. In fact, I think I might just be getting worse.

One of my main issues is that I hate being alone. I don't think I had it quite as bad before I knew him but nowadays when I'm left by myself I just feel so awful and uncomfortable. So I've ended up trying to go to as many parties and nights out as possible. Any chance to be with friends or new people I'll jump at. When I am out I'll tend to meet guys and go home with them. Not to sleep with them, which I don't, but just because if all my friends are going home that means I'll have to the same thing, as in be alone, so I'd rather go to some strangers house than do that. I'm seeing someone at the moment as well but I think I'm in it for all the wrong reasons. I like him but I've no interest in taking it anywhere and I think I'm just keeping him around for the company more so than anything else. It just all feels so empty and I suppose if I had a word to sum up my life since the break-up it would be that... empty.

I don't know what I was hoping to achieve coming on here. I suppose the rant is somewhat therapeutic since I tend not to talk about the breakup with friends anymore. I guess I'd like to know if anyones felt like this after a break-up.

I know a break-up is supposed to the time where you learn to be alone and be happy being alone and in your own company but being by myself just makes me feel so anxious and awful and horrible. I'll do everything I can to avoid it. But no matter what way I play it I still feel so unhappy.

Merkin

I think you recognise your own mistake here, namely that you're looking externally to OTHER people and events to make you happy which I should imagine only compounds the feelings of loneliness. Why exactly ARE you afraid of being alone? Have you honestly given it a proper chance and just revelled in your own company at all? I'm very sociable but I also love having time to myself.

I'm happily married but both Mr. Merkin and I are very much self contained, discrete human beings who do spend a lot of time together but equally really enjoy the opportunity to do our own thing, it's essential. He goes off sailing and fishing and I love cooking up a storm in the kitchen or immersing myself in a good book or going off on random expeditions, it's essential as a human being to do that and be happy in your own company. If you look outward for validation and happiness you will ultimately simply magnify your own aloneness as it were.

Sounds like you need to plan your time better. Take next weekend for example. Get some delicious M & S treats on Friday, download a great movie, put on a face pack, have a nice bath and chill for the evening. Saturday, get up and go to the gym, have a sauna and jacuzzi and go and get the nails done or go for a long walk with the tunes pumping and get the adrenalin going. Meet a friend for lunch. Go to a bookshop and look in the Hobbies section and see what appeals. Knitting? Learning French? Mastering pastry? Go home, flop in front of the TV for the evening and watch some drivel or curl up with a good book. Lie in on Sunday, meet a pal for brunch or go to a gym class and then go to a free art exhibition or something that appeals, pick up ingredients on your way home and enjoy having a cook off in the afternoon, put on some music and prepare some meals or bake some goodies. Make the effort for one weekend to indulge, yes INDULGE in mostly solitary pursuits and you should relax into your own company.

You'll be a more interesting and well rounded individual if you do your own thing and can fill your own time. You'll have a lot more to talk about and bring more to your next relationship if you're not hanging on waiting for someone ELSE to do that for you.

Do you reckon you could try that next weekend to see how you get on?

Incidentally, you need to dump the guy you're seeing as you're merely using him which is unfair.

boomchicawawa

I think we have all been there. There are a lot of people who stay in bad relationships also because they fear being alone. I think we all have to find our reserves of strength in situations like this. You can sink or swim although it your case it appears to be more like you're out of the boat and desperatly threading water but getting nowhere.

While I agree with the previous poster, I would add that to give your time and energy to others is a win win situation for all. Sign up for voluntary work, something that you'll enjoy doing. I'm not thinking of the 'shaking the money box on the street' type...I mean the 'hands on' type of volunteering. Not only will it make you feel good that you are contributing positively but it will really make a difference to others. Its a way of filling your time and seeing that in fact your life is pretty good in comparison to others who for one reason or another have fallen on hard times. I think it will bring some perspective to your life.

You may also find that others who volunteer are the sort of people who will be true and deeper friends than those you will find in a shallower world of nightclubs etc.... (not dissin them really, but you know what I mean) !

Good luck !

LegacyUser

I would agree with both of the other posts here. At the moment you are sinking because your lonely. You ended your last relationship because he was cheating on you. You deserve to be treated better. The same thing happened to me a number of years ago. At the time I felt where did I go wrong but the reality is that it was his fault not mine. A few years after this I met him at a social event. I knew then that my life was far better without him.

At the moment I would end the relationship that is going nowhere. After a certain period of time you get to know a person and you know if you could have a future long term. If your not feeling this it is unfair for you to stay in a relationship that is going no where rather than moving on to find people that you would both be happy with.

I know what it is like to watch everyone you know in a relationship when your single. You need to remember that not all relationships as wonderful as you may think.
I think that you need to be happy within yourself and with your own life in order to met someone. If you are happy with your life you will see a relationship as an added bonus in your life and you won't come across as desperate (which is not good for either sex's).

In your case I would end this relationship which is not making you happy. I would then look into getting involved with some groups or organisations to expand your network of friends. I would be in no rush to get into a relationship but I would spend a few months improving your own life and self worth.

A number of years ago one of my friends was making the final plans for her wedding day when her oh told her he was not ready to get married. My friend was very upset at the time. She started to spend more time with her friends and got involved with a few new groups. She became happier within herself and with her own life. One night we went out and this man asked her to dance.
She introduced me to him. The next day I told her if he rings you go out with him.
Within a short period of time I could see how happy she was with him and I know he felt the same about her. She is now married and is expecting her second child.