advice

LegacyUser

Hello,

I'd like some advice. Long time poster of boards, I'm going anon for this.

I've been in a LDR with a guy for 6 months. We're both mid 30's and get on very well. It's a serious relationship. We see each other about once, sometimes twice a week.

I have a long-term condition that for the most part I have under control. However I did have surgery last year. There was an info session about this condition (doctors would be speaking about it) held close to the place where he lives. It was about 5 hours long. I thought he would attend it with me- to learn more about it and also it was an opportunity just to be in each others company. He refused to attend saying it would be boring and he would sit outside/be close by. He said he would just meet me before and after it. I was so hurt. We had a big argument on the phone that lasted 2 hours. The next day he said he nearly broke up with me because of the 'drama' and that I made him feel guilty over it. We had reached an impasse about it and haven't really mentioned it since.

It was his birthday a couple of months ago. I bought him presents nearly 60 euro and booked a room for 2 nights. A few weeks ago I paid for concert tickets to an artist he likes. I sent him a card saying I missed him after the above mentioned argument. Sometimes he stays in my house- I treat him v well- I give him breakfast in bed every morning and make him meals etc. He still lives at home (he's unemployed) so I can't stay at his house. We have an arrangement where I call him every night (I'm fine with that as I have free calls) but I realise he never really initiates communication like messaging etc.

In light of this and his refusal to attend the info session mentioned above, I feel a bit sad and worried that he doesn't really appreciate me. Though he says he loves me and that I'm beautiful etc.
If I bring this up he'll get all defensive and argumentative so I don't know what to do as I don't want to upset the cookie cart so to speak?

jane82

He doesnt sound like hes much use in fairness. Why you wasting your time?
He doesnt seem to bring anything to the relationship.

Lou.m

wondering woman wrote: »

Hello,

I'd like some advice. Long time poster of boards, I'm going anon for this.

I've been in a LDR with a guy for 6 months. We're both mid 30's and get on very well. It's a serious relationship. We see each other about once, sometimes twice a week.

I have a long-term condition that for the most part I have under control. However I did have surgery last year. There was an info session about this condition (doctors would be speaking about it) held close to the place where he lives. It was about 5 hours long. I thought he would attend it with me- to learn more about it and also it was an opportunity just to be in each others company. He refused to attend saying it would be boring and he would sit outside/be close by. He said he would just meet me before and after it. I was so hurt. We had a big argument on the phone that lasted 2 hours. The next day he said he nearly broke up with me because of the 'drama' and that I made him feel guilty over it. We had reached an impasse about it and haven't really mentioned it since.

It was his birthday a couple of months ago. I bought him presents nearly 60 euro and booked a room for 2 nights. A few weeks ago I paid for concert tickets to an artist he likes. I sent him a card saying I missed him after the above mentioned argument. Sometimes he stays in my house- I treat him v well- I give him breakfast in bed every morning and make him meals etc. He still lives at home (he's unemployed) so I can't stay at his house. We have an arrangement where I call him every night (I'm fine with that as I have free calls) but I realise he never really initiates communication like messaging etc.

In light of this and his refusal to attend the info session mentioned above, I feel a bit sad and worried that he doesn't really appreciate me. Though he says he loves me and that I'm beautiful etc.
If I bring this up he'll get all defensive and argumentative so I don't know what to do as I don't want to upset the cookie cart so to speak?

You are totally being taken advantage of.

Initiating communication should just feel natural. He is not making any contribution to your relationship.
The 'Drama' is all being caused by him.

Do you have low self esteem?

Why do you stay with him? He is not going to get any better.

You remind me of myself a little.

maria34

So he doesnt do anything just enjoys bed and breakfast and free dinners plus treats in hotel etc. what he is doing for u?

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the replies

In response to the questions-
He contributes roughly the same amount as me for cinema, dinner when we go out etc.
I have lactose intolerance and he got a suitable egg for me at Easter.
He also said he's saving so we can go away on a mini break to England. (I will still have to pay for half the cost of this, he couldn't afford all the cost).

What little things does he do for you on a day to day basis? Does he clean up when you cook dinner? Does he bring you a cup of tea in bed? Does he help out with an chores like mowing the grass or do little things to make your life easier? You sound lovely, make sure he's lovely back to you. Life's too short to be taken for granted.

Penny Tration

Hmm. It's a tricky one.

I can understand where you're coming from, I really can.

However, personally speaking, I probably wouldn't want to go to a 5 hour conference on a medical condition, either! My bf has a medical condition (raynaud's) and I have two (pcos and a globular heart). But we just speak about it if it comes up in conversation. Like, he may ask me something about pcos and I might ask him about raynaud's, but neither of us would go to a 5 hour conference on it. Surely if there's anything he needs to know, you'd tell him and he'd take you at your word? He did offer to see you still, so while I understand the disappointment, I don't see why a fight should have ensued.

With regards to the rest - if you choose to bring him breakfast in bed, book hotels and so on, that's your choice. They're lovely things to do, but I wouldn't expect them in return either.

He's obviously fairly thoughtful because he bought you an easter egg with no dairy (which can be difficult enough to source, my bf spent ages trying to find one for me!), so he does put some thought in.

Initiating contact - I agree that it should be fairly equal, and he could easily make more effort there.

If these issues are upsetting you, talk to him. He might get defensive, but so what? Tell him you don't want to argue, if he gets annoyed. Ye should be able to talk about issues without fighting, and you have a complete right to voice concerns.

I do think you're being too harsh in some respects but you should both be able to easily solve it with some talking.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

wondering woman wrote: »

Hello,

I'd like some advice. Long time poster of boards, I'm going anon for this.

I've been in a LDR with a guy for 6 months. We're both mid 30's and get on very well. It's a serious relationship. We see each other about once, sometimes twice a week.

I have a long-term condition that for the most part I have under control. However I did have surgery last year. There was an info session about this condition (doctors would be speaking about it) held close to the place where he lives. It was about 5 hours long. I thought he would attend it with me- to learn more about it and also it was an opportunity just to be in each others company. He refused to attend saying it would be boring and he would sit outside/be close by. He said he would just meet me before and after it. I was so hurt. We had a big argument on the phone that lasted 2 hours. The next day he said he nearly broke up with me because of the 'drama' and that I made him feel guilty over it. We had reached an impasse about it and haven't really mentioned it since.

It was his birthday a couple of months ago. I bought him presents nearly 60 euro and booked a room for 2 nights. A few weeks ago I paid for concert tickets to an artist he likes. I sent him a card saying I missed him after the above mentioned argument. Sometimes he stays in my house- I treat him v well- I give him breakfast in bed every morning and make him meals etc. He still lives at home (he's unemployed) so I can't stay at his house. We have an arrangement where I call him every night (I'm fine with that as I have free calls) but I realise he never really initiates communication like messaging etc.

In light of this and his refusal to attend the info session mentioned above, I feel a bit sad and worried that he doesn't really appreciate me. Though he says he loves me and that I'm beautiful etc.
If I bring this up he'll get all defensive and argumentative so I don't know what to do as I don't want to upset the cookie cart so to speak?

Actions speak louder than words OP, and his actions would suggest he's not invested in this relationship.

The present buying wouldn't bother me too much, it's tough being unemployed and in a relationship. However, that should mean he'd make up for that by being more thoughtful and showing he cares for you in other non monetary ways. The lecture on your condition being a perfect example. The fact that he was just too bloodly lazy to sit through something which was obviously very important to you pretty much sums up how little he seems to actually care for you. There was nothing in it for him so he couldn't be bothered.

Being frank, he sounds like a lazy man child. A mid 30s man who still lives at home and allows his gf to bring him breakfast in bed, and maks her call him would have serious alarm bells ringing for me tbh. (As an aside, Presumably he has internet access at home? theres loads of apps that allow him to make free calls to you)

The feeling I get is that he sees you more as a prospective replacement mammy, than an actual girlfriend, so i'd be asking myself some serious questions before deciding to continue the relationship,


How long has he lived at home? Has he ever actually lived independently on his own?
Has he he ever actually had a job or held one down for any reasonable length of time?
Has he made any effort to actually search for work?

If the answer to any of these questions was no, i'd be gone in a heartbeat.

ElleEm

wondering woman wrote: »

Hello,

I'd like some advice. Long time poster of boards, I'm going anon for this.

I've been in a LDR with a guy for 6 months. We're both mid 30's and get on very well. It's a serious relationship. We see each other about once, sometimes twice a week.

I have a long-term condition that for the most part I have under control. However I did have surgery last year. There was an info session about this condition (doctors would be speaking about it) held close to the place where he lives. It was about 5 hours long. I thought he would attend it with me- to learn more about it and also it was an opportunity just to be in each others company. He refused to attend saying it would be boring and he would sit outside/be close by. He said he would just meet me before and after it. I was so hurt. We had a big argument on the phone that lasted 2 hours. The next day he said he nearly broke up with me because of the 'drama' and that I made him feel guilty over it. We had reached an impasse about it and haven't really mentioned it since.

It was his birthday a couple of months ago. I bought him presents nearly 60 euro and booked a room for 2 nights. A few weeks ago I paid for concert tickets to an artist he likes. I sent him a card saying I missed him after the above mentioned argument. Sometimes he stays in my house- I treat him v well- I give him breakfast in bed every morning and make him meals etc. He still lives at home (he's unemployed) so I can't stay at his house. We have an arrangement where I call him every night (I'm fine with that as I have free calls) but I realise he never really initiates communication like messaging etc.

In light of this and his refusal to attend the info session mentioned above, I feel a bit sad and worried that he doesn't really appreciate me. Though he says he loves me and that I'm beautiful etc.
If I bring this up he'll get all defensive and argumentative so I don't know what to do as I don't want to upset the cookie cart so to speak?

I can see why he wouldn't want to attend the medical seminar too. Like Green_Screen, I too have a medical condition, and in eight years, I haven't inflicted a medical conference on my boyfriend! Anything he needs to know, he can learn from me or the internet. Did you assume that your boyfriend would want to go as it is close to his home? Did you explain that it was important to you that he show an interest in learning about your condition? The whole drama thing would really depend on how the conversation was had. I find it strange that you could argue for two hours about it!

You seem to have allowed the issue of him not wanting to spend a day at a conference to spur on all of these thoughts of feeling like he doesn't care at all about you. You really should be communicating this to him. You are obviously feeling a bit taken for granted, so tell him. Begin the conversation calmly, and tell him that you want to talk properly, as to prevent him getting defensive.

CaraMay

Why would you seriously expect him to sit through a 5 hour conference on your illness?

How long distance can it be if you are each other twice a week? Sound to me that he is making an effort but you are trying to create drama

woodchuck

I'm having trouble seeing what the issue is to be honest. You've said yourself that he compliments you, makes time to see you and pays his way when you go out where possible despite being unemployed. Apart from that one fight I don't see the problem. And even at that (as other posters have said) it's a bit much expecting someone to sit through a conference about your condition.

Is the issue that you feel you do more for him than he does for you? It doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong to be honest and if you want to go above and beyond the norm then that's your decision, but you shouldn't expect the same standard back from him. If making him breakfast in bed, buying expensive gifts etc is making you feel taken advantage of, then you should just stop doing those things. Do nice things just to be nice, not to expect them in return.

josealdo

woodchuck wrote: »

I'm having trouble seeing what the issue is to be honest. You've said yourself that he compliments you, makes time to see you and pays his way when you go out where possible despite being unemployed. Apart from that one fight I don't see the problem. And even at that (as other posters have said) it's a bit much expecting someone to sit through a conference about your condition.

Is the issue that you feel you do more for him than he does for you? It doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong to be honest and if you want to go above and beyond the norm then that's your decision, but you shouldn't expect the same standard back from him. If making him breakfast in bed, buying expensive gifts etc is making you feel taken advantage of, then you should just stop doing those things. Do nice things just to be nice, not to expect them in return.

whats the medical condition ? if it was some sort of vaginal yeast infected 5 hour info night . i would have turned that down too .

josealdo

figs666 wrote: »

whats the medical condition ? if it was some sort of vaginal yeast infected 5 hour info night . i would have turned that down too .

Also remember ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS

Neyite

figs666 wrote: »

whats the medical condition ? if it was some sort of vaginal yeast infected 5 hour info night . i would have turned that down too .

figs666 wrote: »

Also remember ALL MEN ARE BASTARDS

I see you are new to this forum.

Please read the charter before posting again in Personal Issues, as we issue infractions and bans for posts that are not constructive, civil and helpful to the Op. Also blanket generalisations are not allowed by the charter.

zozo339

In reply to the communication side of things - this should be natural as someone stated above...it shouldn't be hard work or just coming from your side either! He should feel excited and thrilled at the thought of ringing you or giving you a quick text every now and again, or just randomly, on the spur of the moment, call you just to say how was your day, or he loves you, or that he has a surprise in store for you...anything. But please be careful, don't be unappreciated, you do a lot for this man...make him everything, why can't you be treated like a queen just for a day or two...

Best of luck with everything.

God bless

missjm

Do you really want a partner who is not going to be supportive? What happens if you were living together and you fell ill? What if one of your family was seriously ill and you needed somebody to sit in the hospital and hold your hand? As you get older - these are the things that become important in a match.

woodchuck

missjm wrote: »

Do you really want a partner who is not going to be supportive? What happens if you were living together and you fell ill? What if one of your family was seriously ill and you needed somebody to sit in the hospital and hold your hand? As you get older - these are the things that become important in a match.

I don't think there is any evidence here to suggest that the OPs partner isn't supportive? Attending a conference and looking after someone when they're ill are absolutely worlds apart.

OP, to me it doesn't sound like either of you are doing anything wrong, but that there might be a misunderstanding/incompatibility when it comes to both of your needs and how each of you express that you care about each other. If you feel there is a problem, then a serious conversation is needed. From my own experience, I'm not one for expressing my love through overt gestures such as flowers, poetry, expensive presents etc, but I show I care in other ways and am absolutely 100% there when the chips are down. But if you're the type of person who needs the big showy gestures, then that's something that needs to be addressed sooner rather than later. Either your partner tries to meet your expectations or you learn to recognise and appreciate the other ways in which they show they care.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies, they are much appreciated.

As regards the birthday presents, breakfast in bed etc I never expect things like that in return. I did those things because I really love him.
Woodchuck- I certainly don't need showy gestures like flowers or expensive presents- Simple things like a thank you txt after he leaves my house after spending the weekend here is enough for me.

Like emsprettylazy said, when the conference came up I presumed because it was important to me and he knew that, that he would want to attend. It's not even a conference, it was an information session for patients and their families. I understand what people are saying that it's 5 hours but there was a break in between and a chance to meet others. Also, since we are in a LDR, I didn't want to waste a chance for us to be together for the day either.
I thought relationships are about give and take. In light of the stuff I do for him I thought he would take the opportunity to show he cares by attending with me.

I spoke to him yesterday and said I felt he takes me for granted a bit. He got defensive.. I mentioned that he never initiates communication, he said since we talk every day on the phone he doesn't need to.
But It's me that calls every day (arrangement we have since I have free calls) and I think it would still be nice if he could msg me the odd time. In the last 2 months he did txt me twice but that was just purely for 'sexting'.
Anyways he grudgingly agreed to msg me the odd time to 'see how I am'. I guess I'll just wait and see what happens.

Stavro Mueller

I wonder are you a bit too wrapped up in your illness? Like other posters here I've got a chronic medical condition that's controlled by medication. I've never been to any meetings or conferences about it and couldn't think of anything more boring to sit through. Even if I did decide to go to one, I'd not want my partner or anyone else to come with me. Why should they? It's something very personal to me and I've a tongue in my head if there's anything they need to know about. Without being horrible, maybe you're a bit self-obsessed with it comes to your condition and think everyone else should be as interested in it as you are. I also wonder why the row with your boyfriend raged for two hours. Wow.

Is what happened over the conference clouding your judgement when it comes to the other issues? As has been pointed out, nobody's forcing you to bring him breakfast in bed or buy expensive presents. Does he do any nice things for you? Does he help around the house etc? Maybe he doesn't initiate messaging because he knows you'll be calling later on anyway? Who knows? Talk to him. And for god's sake, don't keep bringing up the issue of the conference. I'd go as far as to say you were being unreasonable in asking him to sit through 5 hours of listening to boring speeches about an illness he doesn't even have. There's nothing more boring than listening to anyone banging on about their health..

Neyite

Presumptions and assumptions in a relationship always cause contention. You making assumptions that he would go somewhere with you, and finding fault with him when you find out he isn't going.

I had many ante-natal appointments. Prior to that I was getting fertility treatment, and I NEVER presumed my partner of 9 years would come with me unless he was also getting examined. I always just let him know the time and date of the appointments and if he could manage to attend, or wanted to, he did, if he didn't, I went on my own, and it was no biggie. And this was to have our baby.

I heard a 'relationship rule' some years ago I try to keep in mind: Never demand as a right, what you can ask for as a favour. And it works both ways, if people ask me a favour, grand, I'll help, but if they start demanding or assuming that I do something because they expect me to then they don't get very far.

Merkin

wondering woman wrote: »

Like emsprettylazy said, when the conference came up I presumed because it was important to me and he knew that, that he would want to attend. It's not even a conference, it was an information session for patients and their families. I understand what people are saying that it's 5 hours but there was a break in between and a chance to meet others. Also, since we are in a LDR, I didn't want to waste a chance for us to be together for the day either.
I thought relationships are about give and take. In light of the stuff I do for him I thought he would take the opportunity to show he cares by attending with me.

You know you really have to pick your battles and I cannot, for the life of me, understand why you have made this into such a contentious issue. It would be totally unreasonable to expect a long term husband let alone a chap you've been dating for a few months to attend a five hour session on an illness you suffer from. It's YOUR illness, surely any information YOU glean that you think would be in any way relevant to him could be condensed and imparted in a matter of minutes rather than expecting him to sit there for five hours listening to people harp on about something that doesn't directly affect him? Do you generally make a big deal about your condition and expect others to do so also?

LegacyUser

I think people are making a lot of assumptions about me. I never talk about my condition to anybody. I also don't talk about it all the time with my boyfriend either. I have been through an awful lot with it last year though when I had surgery, he knows about the surgery and I have had to attend for day procedures every 2 months since.
I just needed him to show a little support and interest.

Neyite

wondering woman wrote: »

I think people are making a lot of assumptions about me. I never talk about my condition to anybody. I also don't talk about it all the time with my boyfriend either. I have been through an awful lot with it last year though when I had surgery, he knows about the surgery and I have had to attend for day procedures every 2 months since.
I just needed him to show a little support and interest.

Did you tell him that you needed him to show a little support and interest, or did you assume he should? I'm not having a go by the way, just wondering. It may have simply gone over his head, y'know?

Realistically, when medical stuff happens to us, it happens to US. Not those around us, they may sympathise and be supportive, but don't really 'get' what you go through. I had a parent joke about my ongoing infertility issues in a room full of relations recently. I told them because I expected support but all I got in return was flippancy, so from here on in, I'm not going to discuss it ever again with them.

Talk to him, tell him what you need from him. If, after taking on board what you want, he still ignores your needs, then you can rethink the relationship. But to go in guns blazing because he planned something else during your conference, of course he will get defensive.

LegacyUser

I think I have all the advice I need. I'm just going to draw a line under all this now.

I'd like this thread to be locked now, thank you.

Tokyo

Thread closed as per OP's request.