Partner still resents me for not having an abortion

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I'll start with a bit of a background - myself and my partner were together a couple of years when I unexpectedly fell pregnant. While I was both shocked and upset when we were looking at all our options I knew that an abortion was something that I just couldn't go through with, and I wanted to keep the baby. He on the other hand felt we were not ready and was pushing for an abortion. He eventually came to accept my decision and he was given the opportunity to walk away if that's what he wanted, but he chose to stand by me and our child.

Fast forward 2 years and we now have a beautiful 2 year old son. The last 2 years have been tough both emotionally and financially, we have struggled through but it has taken a toll on our relationship. I love our son more than anything in the world and have never for one second regretted having him. My partner however has admitted that he resents me for not having an abortion as he feels his life would be very different and a lot easier if we had not kept our son, he tells me that he didn't sign up for any of this. Also as a person he has changed so much, he used to be so chilled out and easy going, now he is moody, very difficult to live with and has issues managing his anger and stress. His tantrums are worse than our son's.

Initially I felt so upset when he first admitted to me that he resented us, however when I pushed him a bit further about it I felt sorry for him as he didn't want to feel this way and was really cut up about it. It must be so horrible feeling that way about the 2 people you care most about and not being able to do anything about it. I was extremely understanding about it all. I pushed a bit further and he finally admitted to me that he is depressed. We had a long conversation and I told him I will do whatever I can to help him and he agreed things needed to change and that he was not ok. He agreed that maybe he needs help, especially with managing his anger and stress. However since then any time I have brought it up or showed him different options I found for help he just brushes it off and says we can't afford to pay for counselling etc, even though some of these services are free!

This has gone on for a while and I feel like I just can't take it anymore. Every argument comes back to how this life he has isn't what he wanted. He blames me and our son for everything that is wrong in his life - if things go wrong in work he takes it out on me because he feels he wouldn't be in the job he is in if we hadn't had our son. Don't get me wrong we have our happy times too but I just don't think I can continue like this. I am sick of being his emotional punching bag, it's like walking on egg shells. I love this man and we have talked about getting married but I don't think I can marry someone who resents me like this, I mean will this resentment ever go away? I feel he is always going to mourn this "amazing life" he would have if I had had an abortion.

I'm not entirely sure what I hoped to gain by posting this, I'm just wondering am I right to feel that he's being unfair? He didn't have to stay with me and I told him that. I'm just looking to see what people outside this situation think.

newtoboards

I think that you both need to sit down and have some open communication possibly with someone mediating. I would again offer him the opportunity to walk away and allow him to still have time with his son so that he can take some time away from the situation he feels he is in and get some perspective.

You are right that it's unfair that this has come up so many years after you first got pregnant but having a child is the biggest and most life changing event anyone can do with themselves. For some people there is a grieving process that needs to be gone through, mourning the life they had before child. He may have that and need some support getting through the grief which may be why he feels depressed. It's also possible that he looks at friends and family who are not in the same situation and feels jealous that they are living the life he should be living in his eyes. Is there someone that keeps reporting what a great time they are having back to him that don't have any children? You won't know this without a frank discussion with him to see what is at the root of this really. The fact that he never walked away could just be a part of it.

Big Bag of Chips

I understand he is depressed, but that does not excuse his appalling attitude. You (both) had a son. He chose to stay. He cannot continue to keep throwing that in your face whenever he feels life is a bit tough. Your boy is 2. Very very soon he will start picking up on his Dad's attitude towards him. And he will grow up feeling responsible every time Dad gets angry or throws a strop. Or worse, thinking/knowing he wasn't wanted.

Your partner needs counselling as a matter of urgency to deal with these feelings. And you need to consider if having him and all his issues in your life is better than not having him.

He is sick. He needs help/medication/counselling whatever. But you can't fix him. What you have to decide is what's best for you, and your son, going forward.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry but I could not stay with a man like this. His not loving our son enough to be thankful I'd never had that abortion would kill me every day, and his emotional bullying and abuse would tell me all I needed to know about his feelings for me. I'm sorry OP but in your shoes I can only hope I'd have the strength to leave him get on with his wonderful family-free life.

Big Bag of Chips

guest555 wrote: »

I don't think I can marry someone who resents me like this

I didn't see this line earlier... Do you not realise how messed up that line is? He resents you, your son and this life that he never planned. You never planned it either, but you got on with it. You marry someone because you love them, respect them and as a couple you feel you enhance each other's lives.

You don't marry someone who feels they're "stuck with you". Why settle for that life? For you, or your child? Would you like more children? Would he?

December2012

Don't get married until this problem has been properly fixed and no longer an issue.

I do have "some" sympathy for him, but he needs to face this problem and not ignore / accept this is the way it is.

You could approach the problem this way -
Ask him to go for counselling for his problems
If he goes - great! If he refuses - move to step 2;
Now ask him to go for relationship counselling for both of you so that you can both deal with the problem of him refusing to deal with his problem.
If he doesn't go, and is refusing to do anything about it, you can go and see a counsellor without him, or you can consider ending your relationship.

CaraMay

So his two year old son is living in the house with him and he wishes he had never been born? Why would you ever consider marrying him? Why are you living with someone who wishes his and your child didn't exist?

AulBiddy

This is not love if there is no trust and you are stepping on eggshells - something needs to be done before it can possibly escalate.

Like one of the above posters said, it will start taking a toll on your son very soon.

You need to sort out the problems between the two of you quickly but successfully whether it be communicating together on a calm basis or going to counselling together, regardless of the cost, its costing yours and his wellbeing.

If he is still refusing you need to take your son and leave - you do not deserve someone who hurts you and mistreats you and your son.

diveout

He is unhappy with his life and it's easier to blame you and your son than to respond to his circumstances and take appropriate responses.

If I were in your shoes, I would lay it down, make a choice before one is made for you, because we cannot continue to live like this.

I suspect ultimately he wants to leave but does not want to be the bad guy so will push you into doing it so he doesn't have to take responsibility for the outcomes.

But if you are passively waiting for change, then you too are also avoiding action and responsibility.

Something has got to give.

FurBabyMomma

Your poor poor son. Imagine the psychological damage growing up knowing your dad didn't want you? Your first priority should be your child, if this man refuses to get counselling then you are both better off without him.

Neyite

How convenient to blame you and your son for him being a failure. Much easier than taking responsibility for his own actions, his own life, and his own destiny. Because I suspect he knows deep down that the wonderful life he believes he would have had would not have materialised either. Because to have an amazing life, you actually have to go out and get it. And this man is far too lazy for that.

Much easier to be emotionally abusive to you and your son. He can try and dress it up as depression, but that is bollocks. Many, many people have depression and dont use it as an excuse to make their partner their emotional punchbag. Most depressed people are respectful and considerate of their partner.

I have a two year old too. And if for one second there was a person in his life that would blame him for a failed life, or openly state that they wished he was aborted, they would be out the door, and would not be allowed around my child again. I dont need that toxic, damaging behaviour around my child, and neither does yours.

Do what is right for your son and protect him from this horrible man. He wishes that you both didnt hold him back? Well, 'dont hold him back' any longer, and cut him loose.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Reading through your post, my reaction was "that could have been me" - like your situation, when we found out that my gf was unexpectedly pregnant I didn't.. take it well. Having kids of my own was something that was never really a requirement and I just wasn't ready for it.

I was worried about a lot of things - mostly practical things like distance (we're not in the same county nevermind same city), money, and mostly about the prospect about being a dad myself and all that would mean. Like you, my gf was very understanding and patient and gave me the chance to walk if I wanted but, in the end like your partner I stood by her because I loved her.

I guess the main difference is that (a few years later) while things are still not ideal in practical terms, it has changed me for the better I think. Because it's not just me I've to think of anymore, I've found I'm no longer willing to settle or put up with some of the same stuff I used to - especially in work and this has worked to my advantage in terms of role and money etc which in turn has helped out with the practicalities that worried me so much initially.

I'm more focused generally and, cliché though it may be, I now couldn't imagine not having them both in my life. Hearing them call you Daddy and come running for a hug/kiss really does hit home about what's important.

So I guess my point is that maybe it's not too late for your partner either if he can find a way to get over the resentment he feels, and "use it" in the same way as I did.

Hope things work out for you either way.

diveout

Neyite wrote: »

How convenient to blame you and your son for him being a failure. Much easier than taking responsibility for his own actions, his own life, and his own destiny. Because I suspect he knows deep down that the wonderful life he believes he would have had would not have materialised either. Because to have an amazing life, you actually have to go out and get it. And this man is far too lazy for that.

Much easier to be emotionally abusive to you and your son. He can try and dress it up as depression, but that is bollocks. Many, many people have depression and dont use it as an excuse to make their partner their emotional punchbag. Most depressed people are respectful and considerate of their partner.

I have a two year old too. And if for one second there was a person in his life that would blame him for a failed life, or openly state that they wished he was aborted, they would be out the door, and would not be allowed around my child again. I dont need that toxic, damaging behaviour around my child, and neither does yours.

Do what is right for your son and protect him from this horrible man. He wishes that you both didnt hold him back? Well, 'dont hold him back' any longer, and cut him loose.

I really disagree with a lot of that you say here. For one thing, depression can manifest in a myriad of ways, and yes it can lead to hurting others, no point in pretending otherwise.

Secondly, I wouldn't necessarily think this man is horrible, none of us met him, OP loves him, he may just be lost and stuck in a victim mentality.

Thirdly, I'd be careful of advising a mother to shut the door and never allow him around the child again. People change for a start, and should they break up and she feels validated in doing this, she will be guilty of parental alienation and also denying the father access to his child should he decide to try and sustain a relationship with the child.

FurBabyMomma

diveout wrote: »

I really disagree with a lot of that you say here. For one thing, depression can manifest in a myriad of ways, and yes it can lead to hurting others, no point in pretending otherwise.

Secondly, I wouldn't necessarily think this man is horrible, none of us met him, OP loves him, he may just be lost and stuck in a victim mentality.

Thirdly, I'd be careful of advising a mother to shut the door and never allow him around the child again. People change for a start, and should they break up and she feels validated in doing this, she will be guilty of parental alienation and also denying the father access to his child should he decide to try and sustain a relationship with the child.

Well I would expect this man to demonstrate change before he be allowed around his son again - the long term psychological needs of the boy are more important than that the father's parental rights atm. And let's be honest, it's the father who is alienating himself right now.

Yes depression can manifest itself in many ways. Been there, worn the horrific, life-altering tshirt. But the fact is depression generally does not resolve itself. Depression cannot be wished away by the love of a partner. Depression requires the sufferer to admit to themselves there is an issue first and then to take steps to resolve it - usually with the help of a professional. To allow this man to continue to emotionally abuse his partner and son until he takes those steps is damaging and just plain wrong. OP needs to take a step back, support him in getting his act together if that's what she wants and THEN let him have a more stable, healthy relationship with a son who asked for and deserved none of this.

Neyite

diveout wrote: »

I really disagree with a lot of that you say here. For one thing, depression can manifest in a myriad of ways, and yes it can lead to hurting others, no point in pretending otherwise.

Secondly, I wouldn't necessarily think this man is horrible, none of us met him, OP loves him, he may just be lost and stuck in a victim mentality.

Thirdly, I'd be careful of advising a mother to shut the door and never allow him around the child again. People change for a start, and should they break up and she feels validated in doing this, she will be guilty of parental alienation and also denying the father access to his child should he decide to try and sustain a relationship with the child.

I know lots and lots of people with a medical diagnosis of depression (which, I might add the OP's partner hasn't, just self diagnosed himself, and is doing nothing to deal with it) and NONE of those were verbally or emotionally abusive to their family. When he has an ACTUAL diagnosis of Depression from his doctor, and is being treated for that, then you can actually say that he is depressed and cant help how horrible he is. Even so, I still think that atmosphere in the house is damaging to a tiny child.

I never said she should keep the child from his father, but if the father is too 'ill' to be safely around the child without resentment, bitterness, moodiness and temper, then he should go off and get himself treated to ensure that he is a good father going forward.

A diagnosis does not give us a free pass to treat people badly. And even if they cant help it, as you suggest, nobody should have to tolerate it just because they are ill.

diveout

Neyite wrote: »

I know lots and lots of people with a medical diagnosis of depression (which, I might add the OP's partner hasn't, just self diagnosed himself, and is doing nothing to deal with it) and NONE of those were verbally or emotionally abusive to their family. When he has an ACTUAL diagnosis of Depression from his doctor, and is being treated for that, then you can actually say that he is depressed and cant help how horrible he is. Even so, I still think that atmosphere in the house is damaging to a tiny child.

I never said she should keep the child from his father, but if the father is too 'ill' to be safely around the child without resentment, bitterness, moodiness and temper, then he should go off and get himself treated to ensure that he is a good father going forward.

A diagnosis does not give us a free pass to treat people badly. And even if they cant help it, as you suggest, nobody should have to tolerate it just because they are ill.

No one ever said it gives you a free pass. I dispute your claim that most people with depression behave a certain way. And that is all I said. I did not apply any moral judgements to the relationship between mental illness and how it is manifest. But yeah depression can hurt the other people and often does.

And this is exactly what you said.
"I have a two year old too. And if for one second there was a person in his life that would blame him for a failed life, or openly state that they wished he was aborted, they would be out the door, and would not be allowed around my child again. "

And sure, if you'd want to do that then you'd do that, I'm just saying that is not a stance I would want to take, and if a mother chooses that stance she should have a heads up the consequences, two of which I gave her.

Neyite

diveout wrote: »

No one ever said it gives you a free pass. I dispute your claim that most people with depression behave a certain way. And that is all I said. I did not apply any moral judgements to the relationship between mental illness and how it is manifest. But yeah depression can hurt the other people and often does.

And this is exactly what you said.
"I have a two year old too. And if for one second there was a person in his life that would blame him for a failed life, or openly state that they wished he was aborted, they would be out the door, and would not be allowed around my child again. "

And sure, if you'd want to do that then you'd do that, I'm just saying that is not a stance I would want to take, and if a mother chooses that stance she should have a heads up the consequences, two of which I gave her.

I stand by what I said thanks, no need to quote. And yes, I will not tolerate anyone abusive around my child whatever 'rights' they think that they have. The right of the child to a safe and happy childhood trumps any badly behaved adult with a dubious self-diagnosed illness any day. If he wants to get himself better, then work on a relationship with the child, great, but the boyfriend is showing no signs of that

And as for Parental Alienation, I think the OP's boyfriend is doing a pretty good job of that all by himself without her assistance.

diveout

Neyite wrote: »

I stand by what I said thanks, no need to quote. And yes, I will not tolerate anyone abusive around my child whatever 'rights' they think that they have. The right of the child to a safe and happy childhood trumps any badly behaved adult with a dubious self-diagnosed illness any day. If he wants to get himself better, then work on a relationship with the child, great, but the boyfriend is showing no signs of that

And as for Parental Alienation, I think the OP's boyfriend is doing a pretty good job of that all by himself without her assistance.

I was quoting it because you claim you never said it. And yet you stand by it.

Either way it still warrants noting the consequences of that decision should she take that route and I have noted them accurately and they have very serious consequences. At least let it be an informed decision.

To say you'd never let them near the child again is extreme. He has been a provider and the child has been living with him. If he wants to get better or change his life, while he has at least a few hours a week with the child who has known him through his two - nearly three years, should be ok, should he want that, but to force him to just disappear is really not ok and if they did split and end up in a family court would look really bad on her part. His behavior is cause for concern, but not necessarily a reason to shut the door forever.

If he doesn't drink, do drink, nor is violent, but has provided for the child and lived with him, the advocacy of shutting the door forever is irresponsible imo.

PucaMama

i wouldnt consider staying in the relationship, let alone getting married. he is going to do emotional damage to that child with his selfish carry on. i do believe ye should split up, but let HIM do the leaving. and like someone else said he should have to show he has changed before he gets to see the child. what a disgusting attitude he has.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend sounds very immature. He is blaming you and the child you had together for stopping the life he planned for himself. I know an unplanned pregnancy can be hard for any couple but he needs to realise that it is time for him to grow up and accept that his life has changed.

At this stage your child is 2. Your boyfriend is taking his bad form out on you and his child. It is only a matter of time before your child knows that his father resents him.
What he has said to you and what he is doing to his son has to stop now.
My feeling is that your boyfriend wants to be on his own. He is saying these things and acting this way so you will tell him to go.

At this stage I would tell your boyfriend that your so called relationship is over and that you want him to move out. You deserve to live in a peaceful/happy place with your son and not the life you are having at the moment due to boyfriend.

DoctorBoo

I think you are being far too understanding of his position. As others have said, being depressed does not excuse his attitude to you and your son. Why is he constantly focusing on the life he could have had? In doing so he is missing out on the joy your son undoubtedly brings.
Maybe it's a bit of a chicken and egg debate, but if you're constantly thinking about what you don't have, then you're bound to feel down...
However, I must agree with other posters and say that your son's wellbeing is paramount. You cannot allow him to grow up with a father who resents his existence in the house. You need to protect him somewhat from that. I'm not suggesting you stop all contact with the father btw.
Maybe you could do with some time apart from your partner. It might just be that some time alone could help him realise how futile and destructive his way of thinking has been and give him a chance to miss you and your son. He might just realise what he is putting at risk with this behaviour.

ManOfMystery

This is a strange scenario. I've known (and heard of) lots of men and women who have gone through unplanned pregnancies, and all the stress and trials and tribulations that comes with them. And in most cases, there is usually the initial shock, then the indecision over whether to go ahead or not, then preparing for the birth and then accepting the changes in life that will inevitably occur.

In almost all cases however, people who were initially against idea of a child end up being absolutely bowled over by the little bundle of joy when it arrives. I've never before heard of someone still resenting the child 2yrs after it was born. I have a son who will be 1yr old soon and whilst it's been hard work and changes have had to be made since he came along, I would never dream of doing things differently - he brings a lot of joy to our lives. It would absolutely kill me if he somehow grew up feeling guilty because his existence impeded on mummy or daddy's lifestyle.

To put it mildly, your partner needs to grow up. There is a little boy now who is dependent on both you and him, and if his life hasn't gone exactly the way he wanted it to - tough. Life doesn't go according to plan for the vast majority of us, yet we still get up and get on with it. He also needs to accept that this little boy didn't just appear out of the blue; your partner was 50% responsible for his being here, and it's time for him to man up and stop whining about it. He's had 2yrs + 9months to adjust to the idea, which is way more than enough.

So he might have travelled a bit - is that more important than his son? He might have been in a more enjoyable job - is that more important than his son? He might have had more nights out - is that more important than his son? Or he might have done nothing at all. His whole attitude is reminiscent of those 'I could have been a contender ..........' dreamers who we encounter in every walk of life; they blame the world around them for their life not going the way they would have liked it to, and fail to recognise that we are all in charge of our own destinies and our lives - by & large - will go how they go because of decisions that we make.

These formative years are incredibly important ones for your son as you know, and it is absolutely not fair on him growing up with a father who resents him, especially when children his age love their parents so unconditionally. I'd suggest that if your partner is not willing to work on his mindset and improve the situation, it will be more healthy in the long run for your son to live with one parent (you) than to grow up with a misplaced sense of guilt over something he had absolutely no control over.

kunst nugget

Neyite wrote: »

I know lots and lots of people with a medical diagnosis of depression (which, I might add the OP's partner hasn't, just self diagnosed himself, and is doing nothing to deal with it) and NONE of those were verbally or emotionally abusive to their family.

Actually, it seems to be a common symptom of depression in men.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_men_male.htm

The three most common signs of depression in men are:

Physical pain.
Sometimes depression in men shows up as physical symptoms—such as backache, frequent headaches, sleep problems, sexual dysfunction, or digestive disorders—that don’t respond to normal treatment.

Anger.
This could range from irritability, sensitivity to criticism, or a loss of your sense of humor to road rage, a short temper, or even violence. Some men become abusive, controlling, verbally or physically abusive to wives, children, or other loved ones.

Reckless behavior.
A man suffering from depression may start exhibiting escapist or risky behavior. This could mean pursuing dangerous sports, driving recklessly, or engaging in unsafe sex. You might drink too much, abuse drugs, or gamble compulsively.

http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/4446/114449/depressed-abuse/

Neyite wrote: »

When he has an ACTUAL diagnosis of Depression from his doctor, and is being treated for that, then you can actually say that he is depressed and cant help how horrible he is.

This is very dismissive. Essentially, telling someone that you're not going to believe he is depressed until they get a proper diagnosis is not going to help anyone in this situation. That said, he needs all the encouragement he can get to be persuaded to go to the doctor and receive medical help.

OP, can you talk to his parents or siblings to try and get them to help you. Explain that you're concerned about his behaviour and that you think he is suffering badly from depression. I don't think you have to go in the nuts and bolts if you think that could be a problem for them.

Neyite wrote: »

A diagnosis does not give us a free pass to treat people badly. And even if they cant help it, as you suggest, nobody should have to tolerate it just because they are ill.

This seems utterly reductive and takes no account of interpersonal relationships. People with depression may act horribly to their partners but many partners will try to understand what is happening to the person they love and do what they can to help by supporting and standing by them. It's not about giving a person a free pass.

Neyite wrote: »

Even so, I still think that atmosphere in the house is damaging to a tiny child.

Agreed. He needs to understand the negative implications of his behaviour on your child and why it is so urgent that he gets help.

Neyite wrote: »

I never said she should keep the child from his father, but if the father is too 'ill' to be safely around the child without resentment, bitterness, moodiness and temper, then he should go off and get himself treated to ensure that he is a good father going forward.

What's with the quote marks around the word 'ill'? It's horribly dismissive and very mean spirited.

PucaMama

kunst nugget wrote: »

Actually, it seems to be a common symptom of depression in men.
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_men_male.htm



http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/4446/114449/depressed-abuse/



This is very dismissive. Essentially, telling someone that you're not going to believe he is depressed until they get a proper diagnosis is not going to help anyone in this situation. That said, he needs all the encouragement he can get to be persuaded to go to the doctor and receive medical help.

OP, can you talk to his parents or siblings to try and get them to help you. Explain that you're concerned about his behaviour and that you think he is suffering badly from depression. I don't think you have to go in the nuts and bolts if you think that could be a problem for them.



This seems utterly reductive and takes no account of interpersonal relationships. People with depression may act horribly to their partners but many partners will try to understand what is happening to the person they love and do what they can to help by supporting and standing by them. It's not about giving someone giving a person a free pass.



Agreed. He needs to understand the negative implications of his behaviour on your child and why it is so urgent that he gets help.



What's with the quote marks around the word 'ill'? It's horribly dismissive and very mean spirited.

since i suffer from anxiety and depression myself, and i am on medication for it, i dont like the idea of his depression used as an excuse for his abusive attitude

diveout

PucaMama wrote: »

since i suffer from anxiety and depression myself, and i am on medication for it, i dont like the idea of his depression used as an excuse for his abusive attitude

No one is saying it is an excuse, what people are saying is that it can, like other mental illnesses, it can manifest in abusive symptoms. It doesn't mean there is no accountability or a series of consequences.

kunst nugget

PucaMama wrote: »

since i suffer from anxiety and depression myself, and i am on medication for it, i dont like the idea of his depression used as an excuse for his abusive attitude

I'm not excusing his behaviour - it is very unpalatable. I'm pointing out it's a common symptom of depression for men.

Neyite

kunst nugget wrote: »

I'm not excusing his behaviour - it is very unpalatable. I'm pointing out it's a common symptom of depression for men.

But this is all moot if he is refusing to get help for his illness. I've had two bouts of depression, both times diagnosed. So I understand the condition very well. I also understand emotional abuse very well and it's also a common theme in a domestic abusive partner to blame everybody for their problems, to hide behind a perceived illness or stress when challenged for their behaviour.

This man has not been diagnosed with depression. When he is, he would get my full empathy and support but until then you have a person creating a horrible toxic atmosphere for their partner and a tiny child in a home that should be happy and tranquil.

Something has got to change here. The op cannot help someone who does not take help. She cannot fix his moods and behaviour, irrespective of the source. Only he can do this.

The only way that I can see that might spur him on to get help is to give him what he wants- his freedom. To do whatever he wants with it. He may see the grass isn't greener, and appreciate what he stands to lose- a gorgeous loving son and a loyal partner. And it has the added benefit of protecting a vulnerable child.

We are never obliged to put up with someone treating us badly in our interpersonal relationships and to suggest otherwise to the op because her partner gives a reason- whether it's depression, or even something like alcohol or substance abuse is damaging to all of them. It enables his behaviour and damages his partner and son.

I'm saying, remove the toxic atmosphere from the home, then work can begin on a solution that is best for all of them, whatever that might be.

kunst nugget

Neyite wrote: »

But this is all moot if he is refusing to get help for his illness. I've had two bouts of depression, both times diagnosed. So I understand the condition very well. I also understand emotional abuse very well and it's also a common theme in a domestic abusive partner to blame everybody for their problems, to hide behind a perceived illness or stress when challenged for their behaviour.

This man has not been diagnosed with depression. When he is, he would get my full empathy and support but until then you have a person creating a horrible toxic atmosphere for their partner and a tiny child in a home that should be happy and tranquil.

Something has got to change here. The op cannot help someone who does not take help. She cannot fix his moods and behaviour, irrespective of the source. Only he can do this.

The only way that I can see that might spur him on to get help is to give him what he wants- his freedom. To do whatever he wants with it. He may see the grass isn't greener, and appreciate what he stands to lose- a gorgeous loving son and a loyal partner. And it has the added benefit of protecting a vulnerable child.

We are never obliged to put up with someone treating us badly in our interpersonal relationships and to suggest otherwise to the op because her partner gives a reason- whether it's depression, or even something like alcohol or substance abuse is damaging to all of them. It enables his behaviour and damages his partner and son.

I'm saying, remove the toxic atmosphere from the home, then work can begin on a solution that is best for all of them, whatever that might be.

Men are notoriously bad at getting help for mental illness - it's one of the reasons suicide amongst men is so prevalent. The emotional abuse is inexcusable but like I've said, for many man, it's a symptom of depression. He needs to get encouragement to get help as soon as possible. She needs to get help from family and friends if she can. If she can get him to move back in with his parents for a while to get the space both of them need, even better. If they feel the relationship is not salvageable, then they can work out everything else from there.

I've seen a lot of people say that he should grow up. It's very odd to hear people say this. Imagine saying to a woman with post natal depression that they need to grow up.

PucaMama

kunst nugget wrote: »

Men are notoriously bad at getting help for mental illness - it's one of the reasons suicide amongst men is so prevalent. The emotional abuse is inexcusable but like I've said, for many man, it's a symptom of depression. He needs to get encouragement to get help as soon as possible. She needs to get help from family and friends if she can. If she can get him to move back in with his parents for a while to get the space both of them need, even better. If they feel the relationship is not salvageable, then they can work out everything else from there.

I've seen a lot of people say that he should grow up. It's very odd to hear people say this. Imagine saying to a woman with post natal depression that they need to grow up.

but this isn't a woman with post natal depression its a man who is possibly depressed

kunst nugget

PucaMama wrote: »

but this isn't a woman with post natal depression its a man who is possibly depressed

So it's okay to tell him to grow up?

Dolbert

Mental illness or not, the child needs to be taken out of that situation as a matter of urgency. If my partner spoke about our child like that even once, he wouldn't see me for dust.

PucaMama

kunst nugget wrote: »

So it's okay to tell him to grow up?

but hes not even diagnosed?? He does need to grow up in his attitude towards his child

kunst nugget

PucaMama wrote: »

but hes not even diagnosed?? He does need to grow up in his attitude towards his child

Okay, so if you suspected that a friend might be suffering from depression or post natal depression but she wasn't diagnosed, would you tell her to grow up?

Big Bag of Chips

You would tell them to get help as a matter of urgency, and if they refused to get help then yes, you might tell them to grow up and seek/accept the help that they need.

Softly softly sometimes works. When it doesn't people need to be told that if they are not willing to at least try to get themselves out of the situation they are in then you are not willing to stand by "supporting" them in not getting that help.

PucaMama

kunst nugget wrote: »

Okay, so if you suspected that a friend might be suffering from depression or post natal depression but she wasn't diagnosed, would you tell her to grow up?

unless they are doing the same harm to their partner and child i would get them help

kunst nugget

PucaMama wrote: »

unless they are doing the same harm to their partner and child i would get them help

Sorry, I don't really know what you mean by this.

kunst nugget

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You would tell them to get help as a matter of urgency, and if they refused to get help then yes, you might tell them to grow up and seek/accept the help that they need.

Softly softly sometimes works. When it doesn't people need to be told that if they are not willing to at least try to get themselves out of the situation they are in then you are not willing to stand by "supporting" them in not getting that help.

Getting them help and treatment is a matter of urgency and the OP needs to let the partner know the detrimental effect he is having on their child and their relationship and why. That's without question. There are ways to do this without causing an argument and a call to someone like the Samaritans will help you to get advice on the best way to deal with this.

I think telling someone that is most likely suffering from depression to 'grow up' is never, ever going to help.

diveout

Sorry but yes he could be depressed, he could be a narcissist, no one knows here for sure, so I think this road of trying to figure out or even judge someone no one here has ever met is not productive.

What is productive, is for the OP to take a direct response to the manifestations of his behavior and how it is affecting the family and what to do about.

Skimming the dsm v is not going to get anyone anywhere.

PucaMama

kunst nugget wrote: »

Sorry, I don't really know what you mean by this.

if i thought a friend had depression i would support them in getting help. However if they were being abusive towards their child or partner my first advice would be for the partner to leave them. Then go for help.

LegacyUser

Hi OP here, thank you all for your replies.

I just want to clarify, maybe I should have said it in my original post, but my partner does not act resentful towards our child. On the surface to anyone watching he looks like the perfectly happy father and partner, which is why I haven't talked to anyone about this - no one would believe me! He does genuinely adore our son, from what I can gather it's not that he resents our son but rather he resents the fact that he felt like he had no choice or say in the life changing decision of keeping our child.

However I am well aware that this does not excuse his behaviour. It was an argument over the usual crap that caused me to post here. We had the argument before he went off to work and I had finally stood up to him saying I am sick of his tantrums and how he has been treating me. We parted on that note and later on when he came home he was like a different person. He acknowledged how horrible he had been to me lately, how unfair it was and how sorry he was. I think the fact that I finally stood up to him took him aback. As we had visitors coming over that was the end of the discussion for that evening.

However I had been reading the replies here and that gave me the confidence I needed that I was not in the wrong and the following day we had a long talk and I laid it all out for him. I again gave him the opportunity to leave if that's what he wanted, told him that the prospect of marriage is completely off the cards until we sort our relationship out, and that his behaviour has been totally unacceptable. It definitely helped open up lines of communication between us about how we are feeling, something which we used to be really good at but had kind of fallen out of the habit of doing. So for now that is where we are at. He knows that if this becomes an issue again he will be asked to leave, however I'm not sure now if this is the best course of action - will this just mean that he won't mention it and bottle it up until it all comes out again some day?

diveout

It sounds like he needs to learn how to express his anger without hurting others. He can get help for this pretty easily.

Having a child is a really big change, and and change always means loss, and in this case the loss of a former self, a former life, and like any other kind of grief there are stages, he may still be in the anger stage and needs a little help getting towards acceptance.

kunst nugget

guest555 wrote: »

So for now that is where we are at. He knows that if this becomes an issue again he will be asked to leave, however I'm not sure now if this is the best course of action - will this just mean that he won't mention it and bottle it up until it all comes out again some day?

Good to know you talked, OP, and the lines of communication are open - no relationship can survive without honest communication. I would still think that it is important that he is encouraged to seek treatment if he is suffering depression. Good luck in the future.

Neyite

That's really encouraging OP, sounds like the chat cleared the air a lot and made him think. Which is excellent. He took on board what you said, apologised to you for his behaviour, and acknowledged that he was out of order.

That's good progress. Maybe there could be practical ways he can manage his moods. I have a temper, but I know that I do so when I see red, I deal with it two ways - I either find humour in the situation, make a quip or crack a joke which diffuses it for me, or sometimes I need to just potter around myself usually doing some spring cleaning. Himself knows that if I'm pulling out cupboards for a massive tidy, to leave me at it and when I'm ready to talk about what is on my mind I'll surface and he will offer me tea and we will chat. I like to sleep on something too sometimes. I find that processing a problem overnight helps me put things in perspective. Maybe he needs to identify his triggers and put in place distractions like I do so that the impact on the family from his moods is minimised. Note though that I said he needs to find ways to deal with it, though.

Do you think he would be open to seeing his GP?

stickybookmark

OP are there any practical things that you/ye could do to make him feel less resentful about his life. Like when you say he's only in the job he's in because ye had your son, do you mean he had to take a higher paid (and hence more stressful) job because he needed the money to support your son or is more to do with the location of the job, he's tied to this location and hence this job, because of your son? Is there any room for manoeuvre there, is there anything you could do or offer to help him to realise his career ambitions?
There's no reason in theory why having kids should hold you back careerwise or financially, in fact it usually makes people more ambitious (particularly men) as they are driven by the fact they have a family to support.
And what about other things, could you encourage him to take up a hobby or to see his friends more often? I know it's hard when there's a 2 year old to be looked after and you don't want to be left at home minding the baby all the time on your own but if he went out once a week to play squash/tennis/go swimming/join a cycling or running club, have a few pints with his mates it might help him not to feel so dissatisfied with his life.