How do I handle this situation

LegacyUser

Hi I had a bit of an arguement with a close male friend of mine last week. He was under alot of pressure do to an illness. I was tring to help him and give him a shoulder to lean on. But it backfired on me and he told me to give him space, which i have for the last week, I have made no contact with him. I am worried about him. I dont really know what way to turn. We live in different cities I dont have any numbers for his friends. Basically what i want to know is should I give him a text or email, just to checkin and see how he is. Also to let him know I'm still here if he needs me.

Thanks for the advice in advance.

Tokyo

Seems like he's told you pretty clearly what he wants you to do - to give him some space. It's quite possible that what you think of as 'helping him' is in his eyes crowding him, and he might very well want time alone to deal with it himself.

IF you have his number, then a quick text to say that you hope he's okay, that you are happy to give him space but you're there if he need you is fine, but after that I'd leave him alone.

JeffKenna

From the sounds of it you went overboard, no doubt in a well meaning manner. Your friend told you to give him space so i recommend taking that on board while trying to not be insulted. A week seems like an adequate time, throw him a quick text regarding something neutral and definitely not his illness.

LegacyUser

Hi all op here thank you for your replies. I think i will make contact with him tomorrow. I probably did go over board and crowded him. Which is something i never intended to do. Hopefully it will move things forward.

Ham Sambo

I think you should at least txt him, I suppose he is trying to get his head around this illness, just tell him you are there if he needs you.

LegacyUser

Hi all I just sent him a message there. Hopefully he will get back to me & we can sort the situation out. I said just basically said to him I was here if he needed me.

Rubberchikken

You did the right thing in txting him.
Hopefully he'll see it in the spirit it was sent.

LegacyUser

Its a day and half since i sent the message and no reply so far. I think I may give up at this stage. This has really got to me and I'm feeling quiet down over it.

LegacyUser

Hi all had a reply to my message. Me and him are going to be ok. But we have a fight on our hands with his illness. Hopefully we will be able to over come it sooner rather than later.

LegacyUser

Dontnowhattodo wrote: »

Hi all had a reply to my message. Me and him are going to be ok. But we have a fight on our hands with his illness. Hopefully we will be able to over come it sooner rather than later.

I'm glad the outcome is that the friendship will be ok.
However, the wording of your post seems strange to me...HE has a fight on his hands and HE has to overcome it. You can be a big support surely, but your use of the word WE instead makes me think that you might be (without meaning to) bombarding him and hence the original argument when he asked for space. It is not your battle, it is his, for you to be a support at a level he is happy with.

Merkin

Dontnowhattodo wrote: »

Hi all had a reply to my message. Me and him are going to be ok. But we have a fight on our hands with his illness. Hopefully we will be able to over come it sooner rather than later.

I find your language disturbing and odd. You are not his boyfriend or girlfriend or husband or wife. What's with this "we have a fight on our hands etc"? You are a friend living in a different city and while it's admirable that you want to be supportive, your level of contact and input must gave been very overbearing indeed for him to actually request that you give him some space. Have you experienced issues with personal boundaries before? I'm not being harsh here but if the man has asked for space, eventhough you are on talking terms, you have to comply with his request and keep a respectful distance too.

LegacyUser

Hi op here thank you for your replies. Sorry for the delay in getting back. The reason why i said the word we is because he has asked me to help him in what every way i can, being someone to lean on etc.

Have you experienced issues with personal boundaries before?

In response to the above question the answer is definitely no. This is being handled the way he wants us to handle it.

Tokyo

He has asked you to be someone to lean on, and you are willing to be that person, which is commendable.

There is a big difference however, between being a supportive friend, and "we will overcome it" or handling how "he wants us to handle it", and I feel that you may not be seeing that. He is the one who is ill at the moment, he and he alone has to deal with the consequences of it, telling his family about it, depending on the illness having to deal with the possible outcome of it. If you have been acting as such in his presence, I can see how he might be irritated by it.

To be honest it does sound like you have strayed across the line here and have become far more invested in the situation than you should, to the point where even your friend has become uncomfortable enough to ask you to back off. Be a supportive friend, sure - be there when he wants you around and leave him be when he needs space, but ultimately, this is his fight and his alone, not both of yours together.

iusedtoknow

Agree with the above response. If someone has a longterm illness, you seem to be overstepping a little bit. People with longterm health issues sometimes want to forget about it and be "normal" for a while without mentioning or thinking about their health concern.

When my father in law had cancer (which he ultimately died from), there were days where he was bright and active and wanted nothing more than to go for a swim, or a drink, or go to a football match. While the cancer was at the back of our minds on those days (and I'm sure at the forefront of his) we didn't even talk about it, and only bought it up when he did. Sure, we rearranged our schedules around his appointments when asked, or helped him out when we asked - but otherwise, we were just there for him if he needed and didn't mammy him as that was not what he wanted. Even his wife didn't talk about "our fight" against cancer - they viewed it as being between the doctors, the disease and my father in law. The only thing we could do was support them.

I think it's the same with your mate - you'll need to take your lead from him rather than anything else. If he wants to meet up for a pint or whatever you'd normally do - let him take the lead. If he wants to talk about his health, so be it - but if not...just be normal.

Merkin

Dontnowhattodo wrote: »

The reason why i said the word we is because he has asked me to help him in what every way i can, being someone to lean on etc.

I feel you're missing the point. I also feel that it won't be long until your friend has to ask you to back off again. Something like illness is such a profoundly personal journey - regardless of support networks and helping hands it is something that the sufferer, and them alone, has to go through. While your friend has asked for your support, you have already overstepped the mark and your language is nuanced enough to suggest that you haven't really gotten the message. Regardless of you thinking that it is a 'we' situation, it most assuredly is not. On that basis, let him ask you for help when he needs it. Be kind, offer lifts to appointments and other practical things (he already knows you're there) but for goodness sake don't crowd him with talk of 'we' will pull through this when it's not a 'we' situation. Give the man space like he asked for initially. There's a big difference between being someone he can lean on and crowding him to the point of feeling suffocated.