Chasing leads - How far is too far ?

jos28

I've been trying to fill in a missing piece in my tree. My Grandad and his brother both fought in WWl. My Grandad returned to Ireland after the war while his brother apparently stayed in England. My late Dad knew very little about his uncle, he remembers meeting him as a child but that's it.
I found out that he married an Irish girl and they settled in the UK. They had children and I found 2 of them on FB. I sent them a message a couple of weeks ago and when I got no reply I wrote to them.
The letters have gone in the post and now I'm nervous in case they think I am stalking them
Have I gone too far ?

Jellybaby1

I'm in precisely the same situation. You never know how contact will be received. At the moment its the deafening silence I can't stand. Did they get the letter/email? Do they think I'm scamming them? Maybe they know I'm legit but still don't want any contact? I'd love to know the connections, the dates, the where, the why, the family story, if they would just share what they know of it with us, even if they don't know anything, any reply would be better than nothing.

jos28

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

I'm in precisely the same situation. You never know how contact will be received. At the moment its the deafening silence I can't stand. Did they get the letter/email? Do they think I'm scamming them? Maybe they know I'm legit but still don't want any contact? I'd love to know the connections, the dates, the where, the why, the family story, if they would just share what they know of it with us, even if they don't know anything, any reply would be better than nothing.

I'm glad I'm not the only one Jelly. Just one email could answer SO many questions for me and fill an entire branch of my tree. I kept the letter short and friendly and assured them that I wasn't looking for money ! I'll wait and see if they reply. I may have to accept that some people just aren't interested in their family tree !!!

Jellybaby1

A previous letter I sent a year ago still remains unanswered. Now I'm gearing myself up to contact another person. I keep editing it hoping that my wording with convey the truth, that I'm searching for my own family history and that they are part of that. It bothers me that some stranger may know more about my family than I do, because the story could have been handed down in a particular family and down through the in-laws and their children to whom it matters not a jot. But to me, is precious.

contrary

Contact with various connections in my family has resulted in about a 50% success (or failure!) rate. But the replies have led to some very interesting information and in two cases, new friendships. It's no harm to contact people but with respect for the recipient's right not to respond ....

pinkypinky

I think you just have to hold off and wait to see - you can't know what's going on in their lives. I like to think everyone has a natural curiosity about these things and eventually it will pay off. I've had some people not respond and other respond positively.

KildareFan

I've found long lost cousins through ancestry.com who have helped enormously in filling in gaps, and correcting red herrings. They've already indicated their interest in the family by being on Ancestry [although it costs!] and generally are glad to share information. I have contacted other members of the family tree outside of Ancestry, and the response is hit and miss.

It might be useful to send them what information you have on your branch, if you haven't done so already. If they don't respond, maybe someone else in the family will get in touch.

pinkypinky

Actually, I wouldn't send your hard-won research on spec. By all means, send an extract but wait before you waste your time to see if they're interested.

Jellybaby1

Yes Pinky, I was wondering what information to send. I've worked on this for years and don't want to give it away to people who would keep it for themselves and still not respond, that would be most unfair. Not only have I done the hard slog, but I've spent a fortune what with certificates, right ones and wrong ones, plus subscriptions to genealogy websites. I really don't want to give it all away without some interest from the other side. Maybe someone who may have received contact from a family member doing research might read this thread and feel a little remorse for not replying and get in touch. (Pleeeeeze, get in touch!)

OU812

Recently found out details about my great aunt on my dad's side. She went into a home in 2001 & passed away in 2006. The house was sold in 2002.

I emailed the home but they destroy their records after 7 years so I just missed it. I know she had kids (who in turn would have kids my age), but I've no way of finding them now .

My mother chased up some detail with a great aunt (my g.g. Aunt) in the UK a couple of years ago. She invited mom over & spent the weekend filling in about a hundred years worth of detail including copies of certs & photos etc.

She passed away about a year later so luckily the information was passed on because she'd no family of her own.

desbrook

Before anyone jumps down my neck I know this scenario is not the SAME but it has similar problems/challenges. I think it may be useful to take some aspects.

When an adopted person is trying to contact their birth mother this is the procedure that the convent/agency follow . They write to the person stating the fact that contact wishes to be made etc and give some info to prove bona fides.

If no reply a month/six weeks is allowed to lapse . Another letter is then sent with a simple form . The covering letter apologises if there has been an error and reiterates that the persons right to not get in touch will be respected either way . It states there will be no more unsolicited letters. Perhaps most importantly it appeals for the person to return a simple form enclosed . The form merely consists one question - basically "are you the person the mother of xyz?" - two boxes yes or no , one to be ticked .

The second letter doubles the "success" rate I'm told .

pedroeibar1

Jellybaby1 wrote: »

Yes Pinky, I was wondering what information to send. I've worked on this for years and don't want to give it away to people who would keep it for themselves and still not respond, that would be most unfair. ...

I agree with Pinky. People are protective of their privacy and are more prepared to share what is old/common. The key is to give sufficient information on the family background (particularly as it could be ‘new’ to them) to catch their interest and then hope that they will volunteer more in return. I have had good success by writing on the lines of ‘Doing family research, suspect that XYZ was a brother of ABC. If so there were X other siblings, the family did/went/worked/ whatever, etc. It would be helpful to know if you have any stories in your family that could confirm or deny these links.’ Give an email, not social media and provide a little more than you expect to receive in return. It is a mistake to mention stalking or money. Usually there is a genealogist in every family and the letter if good gets passed to them. It has happened to me, and always was worthwhile.

jos28

Very interesting replies from everyone. I suppose I was a bit surprised went I noticed that my FB messages had been seen and yet they hadn't replied. If I got a similar message I'd be straight onto them. That's just me though. Those of us who have dedicated so much time,effort and money in research may find it difficult to believe that everyone else does not feel the same way about their ancestry. My own family is a clear example, there are 4 siblings, 2 of us have the genealogy bug and the rest couldn't give a monkeys.
Most of the nieces and nephews are not interested either. I bet they will be someday
I'm going to try sending one more letter to a suspected offspring and hopefully they will be the one to reply. I think I will have to keep repeating what Contrary pointed out - have respect for the recipient's right not to respond ....

Wyldwood

I, also, have had very mixed reaction to contacts. The most successful ones have been through Ancestry.
The ones I got no response from are close enough relatives.
One is a 1st cousin of my mothers who I wrote to over 10 years ago, I know she has a lot of family information and is the last of her generation alive, unfortunately, it looks like it will go with her.
The other is living in the old family homestead of my maternal g.g.grandfather and I'm pretty sure there must be lots of letters, photos, certificates & other documents in the house as it goes back through so many generations, but she won't share. Although, she does regularly ask me for a copy of my research, cheeky!!

I wouldn't push the contact too far as some people just aren't interested and others. particularly some elderly folks, seem to resist digging into the past in my experience.

On the other hand, I have an upcoming meeting in June with some distant Australian relatives who responded to my Ancestry contact. Looking forward to all the photos and letters they've promised to bring.

shanew

I've established several contacts through Ancestry and GenesReunited and exchanged details that we would never have been able to find out about otherwise. Through follow on searching based on our combined clues found out a few more details to these lines, and also was sent a few photos I'd never seen, including my favourite photo of my gtgt-grandfather.

Not really cold calls as such as they had put the details online to match. I've never tried a cold call letter yet, but have one line that I think still have a branch in or near Dublin, I'd love to try and make contact with once I figure out a few more clues. Dont think that between us we would get any further back in time, but would be good to make contact and meet up to fill in the details.

I had to give up GenesReunited eventually, as there were too many vague queries coming in with no reference to a location, but it was useful for a few months.

jos28

Yep, it's great when someone contacts you through Ancestry and you make the connection but I suppose if they are on Ancestry they are like minded individuals. I just have to keep reminding myself that some people are just NOT interested in delving through their family history.

As an aside, Shane just reminded me of a contact I had through Genesreunited. A woman in the UK contacted me as she thought I might have been related to her husband's family - as it turns out we were quite closely connected. I had a box of old photos belonging to my late Dad and had no idea who the people in them were. One was a photo taken in the 1950s of a gorgeous little boy holding his Mam's hand standing beside a VW beetle.A really iconic photo with 1950s clothing etc. Anyway it turns out that her husband was that little boy and this was the ONLY photo of him with his Mam. She died shortly after it was taken and he was taken into care in the UK. He spent all his childhood in orphanages and foster homes. The woman actually rang me that night to say he sobbed like a baby after seeing the photo. She got it enlarged and framed and it is his most precious possession. So, contact does pay off sometimes......

pinkypinky

I had a recent sub (now expired) for Ancestry and contacted 3 people based on their hint system.
I'm certain that all three are distantly connected. And they must be interested, as others have said, because they've bothered at some stage to put up a tree on Ancestry.

Results:
One woman in Wales - very enthusiastic, we are now emailing. Lots of information swapped.
One man in England - related by marriage. I was able to share some stuff with him but he hadn't anything I didn't already know. We're still emailing.
One further individual who did not reply --2 months since I sent the message. Dying to know what happened her branch of the family, as they had just disappeared in Ireland.

jos28

Yay !!! Just spent the last hour emailing my newly found cousins !! One of the people to whom I sent a letter to this week responded and was delighted to hear from me.Our Grandfathers were brothers. Even better, his Mam is still alive, she is my late Dad's 1st cousin. She knew very little about her Dad who died when she was a baby so I have sent on lots of information for her.
I am absolutely delighted. A huge piece of my jigsaw completed ! A lead well worth chasing !

Jellybaby1

jos28 wrote: »

Yay !!! Just spent the last hour emailing my newly found cousins !! One of the people to whom I sent a letter to this week responded and was delighted to hear from me.Our Grandfathers were brothers. Even better, his Mam is still alive, she is my late Dad's 1st cousin. She knew very little about her Dad who died when she was a baby so I have sent on lots of information for her.
I am absolutely delighted. A huge piece of my jigsaw completed ! A lead well worth chasing !

Congratulations! Very satisfying for you. I'm so jealous!

Alicat

I was just going to say, I'm super jealous! I contacted a person vital to a mystery in our family and he doesn't seem to want contact He has a (small) tree on Ancestry but still nada

jos28

Alicat wrote: »

I was just going to say, I'm super jealous! I contacted a person vital to a mystery in our family and he doesn't seem to want contact He has a (small) tree on Ancestry but still nada

Sorry to hear that, hope he changes his mind

looksee

My sister has been following up ancestry through Ancestry and eventually had an interesting correspondence with someone in New Zealand who had a lot of information that we didn't know. Meanwhile there is a mystery on my father's side (he is long dead) which we have pieced together to a large extent but our mother (usually an entirely reasonable and open person) refused to discuss it at all, and now she cannot speak as a result of a stroke, so we are never likely to get to know the final details.

KildareFan

I found some long lost cousins in Canada, via Ancestry.com. They had great information on my great grandfather's sister, even a photograph. That's the only photo I have of that generation. They're coming over ancestor hunting in a few weeks & staying with me.

I've found a lot of information via contacts on Ancestry.com & most people are happy to help out. Still, there are some who don't want to know and keep their family tree private.

jos28

KildareFan wrote: »

I found some long lost cousins in Canada, via Ancestry.com. They had great information on my great grandfather's sister, even a photograph. That's the only photo I have of that generation. They're coming over ancestor hunting in a few weeks & staying with me.

I've found a lot of information via contacts on Ancestry.com & most people are happy to help out. Still, there are some who don't want to know and keep their family tree private.

Staying with you !! Fair play to you, don't know if I would take it that far
Ah no seriously, delighted for you. You will have a great time showing them around

pedroeibar1

jos28 wrote: »

Staying with you !! Fair play to you, don't know if I would take it that far

Had the very same thought when I read that!
Back in the mid 1990’s I wrote to a local historian in England with a query –he had written a piece on a branch of my family - and he passed on my letter to a charming elderly lady with the same surname. She then wrote to me, enclosed some information (I already had it, but it was a nice gesture) and after sporadic letter exchanges and Christmas cards I wrote saying that while on a business trip I would be near her home. Invited to afternoon tea, we could have stayed talking for days, with information flowing both ways, some of it extremely useful and some I believe she never would have committed to paper. She told two ‘nephews’ of our meeting and I remain in contact with them – strangely, one of them has the same Christian name as I, same birthday but born exactly one year later, same profession and their father had the same profession and Christian name as my father. My family never had contact with them before. She is the ‘furthest out’ contact I have had, the seventh great granddaughter of my tenth great grandfather (he was baptized in 1559 and is a gateway ancestor).

On a separate line in the US (there since the mid 1800’s) I have a 9th cousin once removed – our common ancestor was born in the 1650’s. I also have had several other contacts but our connections are lost somewhere in the murk of Ireland in 1700 to 1800 and we do not know the exact relationship (but same surname, from same Barony, often from same or adjacent townlands.) The same Christian names are repeated with monotony every generation; only recently have I been able to attach same-named cousins to the correct fathers. That came from a follow-up to a contact letter a relative had received and passed to me.

Locations and ‘grade’ of contacts have been South Africa (poor), Australia (great), New Zealand (ok), UK (great), US (great and a couple awful) and Canada (ok). And one in a Pacific Island from a native with a similarly sounding name who claims descent from my family via an American whaler who jumped ship there in the 1800’s!

enfield

Jos, if you PM me the lads who were in WW1 and where they were born/lived I may be able to help.
Cheers.
Tom.

cnoc

enfield wrote: »

Jos, if you PM me the lads who were in WW1 and where they were born/lived I may be able to help.
Cheers.
Tom.

Are you in Co.Meath? My father's people are from Meath, and a relation of his was KIA in WW1.

enfield

Post his name or pm it if you like.

jos28

enfield wrote: »

Jos, if you PM me the lads who were in WW1 and where they were born/lived I may be able to help.
Cheers.
Tom.

Thanks Tom, PM sent