How do I handle this?

LegacyUser

Hello, I need some advice please...

I met my current boyfriend at a Christmas party last year and we’ve been together since. He was really keen and seemed to be mad after me and did everything in his power to win me over and go out with him.

I thought he was the sweetest, nicest man I had met in forever. After a string of dating disasters, I was extremely cautious of getting involved too fast and just feared getting my heart broken again, so we took it slow in the beginning and everything was fantastic.. I felt so lucky, happy and alive!

He quickly introduced me to his family, closest friends, took me to his local bar and they had all already heard about me and were excited to meet me. They all said how lovely my new man is and I couldn’t have met a nicer person and they were actually saying the same to him about me! So I was delighted, I thought we were off to a great start and things could only get better.. For the first time in a long time I was so happy and completely smitten.

He’s a very sociable person and has lots of male and female friends. He has confessed to being popular with the ladies and I could see it myself when I walked into the local bar and the looks I was getting from some of the ladies there, would burn holes in you. But I didn’t mind, I am not the jealous type and just as well, because later on one girl had the cheek to invite herself back to his house and tried to make a move on him even though I was sitting right there beside him!

The thing is, he has every app on his phone you can think of and is always using snapchat to chat to friends etc.. which is fine and I use it myself. But one of these girls from the local bar, was a barmaid in that local pub and they seemed to be good friends. He introduced us and she seems like a nice person. But she has recently moved abroad for a year travelling and since she’s been gone I’ve noticed that he has been getting loads of snapchat messages at all hours of the night and morning. These are the messages he looks at but won’t read infront of me.

He opens it away from me, or tries to cover it.. I don’t think he knows that I know he’s trying his best for me not to see it or know she’s sending him snapchats, but I know he is and I know their from her, I recognise the name when he had the phone open and a message came through.

Its the fact he’s trying so hard for me not to see it that it makes it obvious he don’t want me to see the message.. it’s probably just harmless, but it’s really starting to get me down. I try my best to ignore it and get on with things because we’re great otherwise.. but this is just nagging me at the back of my mind the whole time and its starting to ruin things for me. It makes me feel bad.

He doesn’t send me as many texts/pictures or cute messages like he used to either. Sometimes he doesn’t answer my texts at all during the day, he just calls me at night when he’s in bed, even though he never leaves his phone out of his hand.
He hardly sends me a snapchat at all, but when I saw the list of his top snapchatters, shes top of the list!

He says he loves me and when he’s really really drunk, he tells me he wants to marry me. He has invited me to all his family weddings this summer, goes on about moving abroad or travelling together in the future and he seems proud to have me on his arm when we are around his family... but what i can’t understand is, if its harmless stuff that their sending each other, then why hide it and why is he chatting to her so often anyway?

I saw pics of them on his face book page from about 4 months before we met and it looks like they had something going on.. a picture tells a story as they say. So maybe there’s still a bit of chemistry there..? she’s only turned 21 this year, he’s 11 years older.. but then again, age don’t matter.

I don’t know if i should say something or what to do. I don’t want to come across as an insecure jealous girlfriend, but i don’t want to keep feeling like this either. There’s nothing on my phone that i would be trying to hide on him.. i wish it was the same with him.

With snapchat, its the perfect way to be carrying on with someone, as theres no record! So i can never see or hear what was sent or said.. Now theres another snapchat thing that allows you to skype... thats what he’s trying to use now and guess who already uses it.. her!

Maybe I am just over reacting? Should i mention it at all? My head is wrecked...

Any advice or suggestions, so much appreciated.

Thank you for reading..

retro:electro

Now I may get shot for this but isn't he a little old for this snapchat Craic?? Anyhoo..He seems to really like you, but I can see why you have your concerns. She could be sending just general snapchats to her "story" and not directly to him and he's viewing them that way? But the fact that she's top on his best friends list would mean that there must be some corrospendence there... Just ask him straight out, "who's the snap from? Oh give us a look", causally enough like, and if he still won't let you see then you may be right to have suspicions. There may not be necessarily anything going on with them, but I do know that a lot of flirting takes place over snapchat.

Alf. A. Male

undercoverlady wrote: »

He says he loves me and when he’s really really drunk, he tells me he wants to marry me. He has invited me to all his family weddings this summer, goes on about moving abroad or travelling together in the future

After less than 6 months? I'd be more suspicious of this if I were you. Combined with the waning commmunication during the day, it sounds like a fairly common bad pattern; coming on strong, bring you into their world, speak like it's forever, make promises and talk about the future, then cool off having over-committed and be gone when something else catches their eye. At the start of something new and exciting, couples do talk through plans and set out where they'd like to go, nothing wrong with that, but this sounds like more than that and I would be wary of him if I were you.
This "confessing" to being popular with women is really bragging and it's often a smokescreen for the kind of behaviour he's showing now, so that he can say it's hardly his fault woman want to talk to him if you object. If these were just normal friendships, he'd have no problem telling you and it'd be apparent to you there was nothing untoward in them. He hasn't though and I think your suspicions are well-founded, just focused on the wrong thing and it's a deeper problem with the relationship.
My guess is that he chased that girl and she strung him along, or they started something and she ended it, so now he's chasing her 'cos he won't acccept it's not going to happen. She may be enjoying the attention and the feeling of stringing him along again, so she keeps it going. The age gap adds to the excitment for him rather than making it less likely to go anywhere, so don't be fooled by that.

m'lady

It seemed to get pretty intense very quickly OP and that would concern me, the meeting of friends and family and then talking about marriage, though I know you said it's when he's very drunk I still think it's a bit strange during the first six months of a relationship.. Hell I'm in a relationship just under two years that has moved fairly fast but only now is marriage even spoken about!

I would jokingly comment next time he gets a snap and tries to hide it, and see how he responds, then if your not satisfied I'd sit him down and tell him how you feel. The fact that he doesn't seem to be making as much of an effort now also could indicate that his intentions are elsewhere.

The only other piece of advice I can offer is to NOT invest too much time thinking about this situation and try and resolve of ASAP, it will be less heartache in the long run.

Merkin

undercoverlady wrote: »

I don’t know if i should say something or what to do. I don’t want to come across as an insecure jealous girlfriend, but i don’t want to keep feeling like this either.

To be honest I think you have no alternative BUT to say it to him. Simply because he is, through his actions, turning you into an insecure and jealous girlfriend (and I don't blame you by the way!)

For the record, in my own EXPANSIVE experience, the guys that move at lightening speed like that, often disappear just as quickly. The grand gestures, the heady declarations all mean nothing if he is hiding his phone and in daily correspondence with someone he was/is romantically involved with.

I think you need to have it out with him. You met him at a Christmas party so you're seeing him six months max? I personally would rather know if you have grounds for worrying NOW rather than ignore it, spend the next couple of years suspicious, only to find yourself dumped anyway. Have it out with him and ask for 100% disclosure, you deserve that.

Obliq

Ask him how she's getting on abroad? That you've noticed the number of texts, etc. and wonder aloud if she's missing him? Next question is obviously is he missing her? Ask him if this is something you should be worried about, and if not, why not?

Tasden

Honestly, if my boyfriend of 6months was questioning my correspondence with my friends I'd be a bit put off tbh.

I would never open a message with somene looking over my shoulder purely because its private. Not only for me but for the person sending the message. You never know what could be in the message so I don't open them if someone else is able to see them.

Myself and my boyfriend both have friends of the opposite sex, some of which we have had a history with, but we respect each others privacy and would never expect to look at their message history or ask any questions, we just have to trust that the other is being trustworthy, if it turns out that they're not so be it, but no amount of checking up and asking questions is going to deter them if they're going to be unfaithful.

I keep in regular contact with a friend of mine who is away travelling, we have a history in that we dated for a while but realised its more platonic between us than anything, he sends me photos of his travels and whatnot. I don't go out of my way to show my boyfriend because he'd have no interest in seing some randomers holiday snaps, nothing sinister at all.

Don't get me wrong, I have my insecurities in the relationship like everyone else, its only natural but I think you're focusing too much on this girl and his contact with her rather than on what your concerns are about the relationship in general- his feelings towards you/whether you trust him. Maybe if you felt more secure in the relationship generally then you wouldn't feel so worried about him messaging friends.

But you know your boyfriend and this girl more than I do, maybe it is purely about them and his behaviour is genuinely suspicious/ inappropriate, but if it is then is he really going to be upfront and honest if you ask him about it??

strobe

If someone was staring into my phone every time it bleeped with a message I'd probably not open them in front of them either...

You say he's big into his apps and he's constantly snap chatting friends. So its not just this girl, he's just like that apparently, some people are, constantly whatsapping or snap chatting or whatever away.

So what if she's top of the list? She probably is a mad snap chatter too and messages him a lot, so if he replies she's obviously going to be. You said they appeared to be good friends, so it makes sense they'd be keeping in touch when she's away. She's probably always messaging away lots of people back home.

Seems to me these are the facts as you've presented them:
:You're boyfriend sends lots of messages to his friends on his phone.
:A girl you describe as a good friend of his is abroad and they message each other.

Honestly I think your probably making something out of nothing here, and all this talk of knowing who he's messaging and when and with what frequency comes across pretty overwhelming. I certainly wouldn't be going quizzing or interrogating him over it.

Your jealous of him messaging one of his friends like he does with his friends and she's not even in the same country as him. If this was a male friend of his would you be reacting the same way? If she was 11 years older than you and him would you be? Ease off big time would be my advice tbh.

From what I can see he's given you absolutely no reason to distrust him and seems clearly mad about you.
If you really can't just give yourself a good hard slap and get over it, maybe do as someone suggested and just ask 'how's Jane getting on in England/Australia/the US'? some time when she texts, and hopefully if he's open and comfortable about the question that'll help put your mind at ease. But thread easy I'd say, you're already peeking over his shoulder at who's messaging him and when, and keeping abreast of who is top of his snapchat, looking through old Facebook photos... that kind of thing's probably not gone unnoticed by him. Its still early enough days in the relationship, regardless of how mad about you he is at this stage, a progression of the kind of stuff above could have him rethinking things big time.

Seems to me to be a simple case of you being jealous of a young pretty girl tbh.

I seem to be in the minority here, so take other peoples views onboard too and weigh things up, but that's my take on things.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here.

Thanks so much for all your advice, suggestions and opinions. Very helpful indeed.

It's not that I am in any way jealous or insecure as such, I think the face that he has so many friends both male and female, is great and is a positive trait. The fact that he is a sociable individual is one of the reasons I like him so much.

The thing that's getting to me is the face that it seems there is something going on that he doesn't want me to see or know about. And if it is harmless chatting / sharing stories from abroad, then I have no problem whatsoever. The last thing I want to do is ruin a friendship, It's not my intention. But if it does turn out to be inappropriate behaviour, then how can he really have any love or respect for me. There is no way I'd do that to him.

I'm just going to approach it in a relaxed / jokingly fashion and hope to God my suspicions were wrong as hell, because this has shown me that I have actually really fallen for him..

Fingers crossed and thanks all, so much!

Big Bag of Chips

Is there a chance that there's nothing untoward going on, that it's all completely platonic and innocent. That they've always messaged each other like this, before you came along. But he gets the impression that you're not happy about it. So he's hiding it... Not because he has anything to hide, but because it's "easier" to pretend it's not her than to tell you it is and risk an argument?

I know lots of people who tell stupid lies. Because they are afraid of the reaction if they tell the truth. But don't realise that the lying just makes things worse than they need be, as it builds even more suspicion.

It's difficult to tell where he falls... Up to something, or completely innocent but thinks you wouldn't understand that.

Pippy1976

undercoverlady wrote: »

It's not that I am in any way jealous or insecure as such ... it seems there is something going on that he doesn't want me to see or know about.

Kind of a contradiction here. You clearly are insecure and a little bit jealous. It's a huge thing to admit to either of those traits but I think you should as it could help solve your woes.

As someone else posted, these could merely be platonic messages but the fact that you're seeming jealous / insecure about them in front of him is making him not open them in your presence.

Stop reading so much into things. And if you're curious as to what the messages contain then the simplest thing is to ask him straight out. That's the only way you'll know the real story, if indeed there is one!

LegacyUser

undercoverlady wrote: »

The thing that's getting to me is the face that it seems there is something going on that he doesn't want me to see or know about. And if it is harmless chatting / sharing stories from abroad, then I have no problem whatsoever. The last thing I want to do is ruin a friendship, It's not my intention. But if it does turn out to be inappropriate behaviour, then how can he really have any love or respect for me. There is no way I'd do that to him.

Have you considered OP that he might be talking about something that is none of your business? I don't mean that to sound mean or anything but consider that he may have a friend, this girl, whom you are jealous of regardless of wither you accept that or not, or some other friend who are sharing information with him that they don't want shared to another person even his GF? I've several friends of both genders who I go to when I'm having issues and they in turn come to me, as we don't leave in the same country it can often times be via email/skype/snap chat, a lot of it isn't massive things, just needing a sounding board to hear things out similar to what some people use boards for but it's also conversations that I want just between us. I know these friends don't share this information with anyone else which is why I feel comfortable talking with them via the net and I know they feel the same with me.

I had one friend whose BF went through all her messages without her knowing, she told me when she found out and I found it difficult to share anything with her again, not her fault but I don't like the idea of knowing someone else is reading private convos between myself and my friend. All it was was girl talk but if I wanted it public I would have posted it publicly.

Please don't try and play games by trying to ask in a round about or joking way, just tell him straight out that your finding it uncomfortable and deal with the issue like adults.

CaraMay

Agree with last poster. A friend of mind is going through a hard time and we would often chat about her word over whAtsapp. I don't think that's anyone else's business and certainly couldn't want anyone reading it.