Is there hope for this marriage?

Soaring hawk

Brief history, married for 17 years 3 great kids. Wife is two years off drink and dealing with other issues with a councellor which I am very grateful for and I appreciate how difficult this is for her.
For years I have felt unimportant to my wife and when she drank I was made feel like dirt, now that she is off the drink I have asked if she loves me and the answer is that she doesn't love herself, we have not had sex or any form of intimacy in 4 years . Before this sex was always with drink on her behalf I understand why due to her past. We sleep in separate rooms and I am at a low point now.
I'm staying in the relationship for our children and I still love my wife but I feel so lonely in the relationship
We are going to a marriage councillor but it's going nowhere .
I don't think we will ever have an intimate relationship again

nc19

Soaring hawk wrote: »

Brief history, married for 17 years 3 great kids. Wife is two years off drink and dealing with other issues with a councellor which I am very grateful for and I appreciate how difficult this is for her.
For years I have felt unimportant to my wife and when she drank I was made feel like dirt, now that she is off the drink I have asked if she loves me and the answer is that she doesn't love herself, we have not had sex or any form of intimacy in 4 years . Before this sex was always with drink on her behalf I understand why due to her past. We sleep in separate rooms and I am at a low point now.
I'm staying in the relationship for our children and I still love my wife but I feel so lonely in the relationship
We are going to a marriage councillor but it's going nowhere .
I don't think we will ever have an intimate relationship again

You already know the answer to this i think

Soaring hawk

nc19 wrote: »

You already know the answer to this i think

Yes I suppose I do, I was hoping someone might have gone through a similar situation and their marriage survived and could give me reason to hope. I don't want to leave my children and I know if I stay in the marriage I will not survive the lonely ness

Magicmatilda

Have you raised all of this in your marraige counselling? You say it is going nowhere but it is up to you to drive that. What does your wife say in counselling when you raise it.

Have you attended Al anon? If not I suggest you do as it is full of people who live or have lived with alcoholics.

Overall it doesn't look good really.

There is no point in staying in a relationship purely for the kids though.

December2012

I think there is hope. For these very important reasons:

1. you love your wife
2 your wife has stopped drinking and is seeking help
3. You are seeing a marriage counsellor
4. The fact you stayed with her while things were presumably worse and are posting here suggests you want things to get better.
5. You are acknowledging your problems.

I think you need some help too to heal and gave a safe place to vent at the problems your wife's drinking brought to your marriage. Have you ever been to seek professional / group support? Your children might need some help too.

Only you and your wife know but, for what it's worth, it seems to me that it's not over yet.

Merkin

Soaring hawk wrote: »

We are going to a marriage councillor but it's going nowhere

People can be unlucky in the counsellor they find themselves with. If you don't think counselling is benefitting you or the relationship would you consider finding a new counsellor?

Soaring hawk

Merkin wrote: »

People can be unlucky in the counsellor they find themselves with. If you don't think counselling is benefitting you or the relationship would you consider finding a new counsellor?

The counsellor is not the problem,my wife says that she will not be intimate with me and cannot say if she wants that in the future, our oldest is going to counselling and it is helping him.
I have gone to alanon however it is the future that is worrying me the past is past.

Colser

Would you think of suggesting a night/weekend away for just the two of you?Maybe a break from kids and the fact that ye would be sharing a bed might help the situation.

Ann84

This may be a stupid question, but have you laid your cards On the table?

Have you explained that your marriage will end if you cannot have a fulfilling intimate element to it? That you are lonely and would like to try to reignite the spark?

Sometimes counselling can get bogged down in day to day issues unless the core objective (ie - getting the intimacy back) is not clearly outlined upfront.

Best of luck

Soaring hawk

Weekend away is not an option, cards have been laid On the table numerous occasions. Because Of her past I can ndrstand her issues with intimacy now but her not able to see it in her future is what scares me

The Princess Bride

Almost a quarter of the marriage spent without intimacy,OP.
That's a lot.
I can't see how any weekend away would reignite a spark-sexual attraction doesn't work like that.

I'd imagine that no amount of counselling will tell you what the future holds.
The children will grow up & in time,move out.
Then it'll just be both of you.

Your wife has probably enough on her plate with the alcohol dependency/addiction & these other issues from her past.
Could it be, that you just aren't high enough on her list of her priorities?
That she is too bogged down with her own recovery, to consider your needs?

As terrible as this might seem to you & to us,she just might not be able to go there.
Perhaps not ever,certainly not presently.

Do you need to be honest with yourself & consider the reality of a separation?
I wish I had the answers for you,take care & look after your needs.

_Kaiser_

I think you know that it's over I'm afraid. Fair play to you by sticking by your wife though all this, but you have needs too and she's not giving you ANYTHING back by the sound of it - merely the vague hope that it might change someday.

Of course the problem for you will be that if you leave the marriage, she'll almost certainly get the kids (despite her issues) and depending on how she takes the news, may use that against you in terms of access. There's also the mortgage, maintenance etc to consider as well as the expense of running a 2nd household for yourself.

I'm not trying to be negative but I tend to be very practical and unfortunately it's not as simple as walking out the door for men in this situation. At the same time though, I agree that there's no point in staying just for the sake of the kids - they'll pick up on it anyway if they haven't already.

If you've accepted that it's highly unlikely to get better, the best advice I could offer would be to talk to a lawyer and see what your options are.

LegacyUser

So sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm going through much the same , but not because of drink I understand fully the lonelyness and it breaks my heart to see our children suffer too we are all living in limbo at the moment. the only advice I can give you is not to let yourself go down hill try to be strong for your children , after all its not their fault. if I were you I would be asking myself how long you are willing to put yourself on hold to see if things change for the better in my case I know I won't last the longterm solitude life is to short .I wish you well whatever you decide.

December2012

If there has been some sort of sexual assault or abuse in her past and she is only now starting to come to terms with it and get treatment for it I don't think you're being supportive of your wife if you're going to leave because of lack of sex.

Your feelings I'm sure are valid, but I think it would be better to talk them out with a professional who has specific experience in dealing with these issues.

Soaring hawk

I don't think If we seperate it would be like that. She is not a vindictive person and I will do what ever I have to for the kids. I suppose if I'm honest I'm afraid of what the future would be for me if I leave and what effect it would have on the kids

Soaring hawk

December2012 wrote: »

If there has been some sort of sexual assault or abuse in her past and she is only now starting to come to terms with it and get treatment for it I don't think you're being supportive of your wife if you're going to leave because of lack of sex.

Your feelings I'm sure are valid, but I think it would be better to talk them out with a professional who has specific experience in dealing with these issues.

I agree, I'm am not thinking of leaving because of the lack of sex, I'm thinking of leaving because of the lack of any feelings towards me and because it has been like this for years. I have stayed in this marriage through thick and thin and I'm at the lowest I have ever been. I do not want to leave but can I stay and survive the lack of intimacy . Please do not read intimacy as sex I'm talking about hugs, kisses, even sharing a joke. I agree with what you say and I know I'm been selfish but sometimes it really does look like she can't stand me and when I express this at the councillor she doesn't accept .your right she is going through so much there is no room for me and it is time for me to accept this

December2012

There might not be any time for you right now.

Nobody can predict the future though.

I know what you mean about the intimacy and affection associated with sex, it is an important part of marriage.

It would be my opinion that making a drastic decision is not a good idea when your relationship is in a state of positive transition.

Dellnum

My heart goes out to you OP. You are in a terrible predicament. It seems totally unfair for you to have to sleep in the spare room and get no positive feedback from your wife. That must be an intolerable situation for you. I know she is going through a lot and maybe she is not able to show affection. She probably does appreciate you but just cannot show it. I know that is not good enough for you though. You might have to bide your time until you children are a bit older before you leave her because she might fall to pieces altogether if you separate and then where will the children be ? If you could just concentrate on the children as being your reason for being in the marriage you might be able to cope better and get your positive feedback from them for the time being and then when they are a bit older you might think of leaving your wife if things don't improve. Knowing that you will have options in a few years time might see you through the difficult times you are going through at present. Sorry I can't be more helpful but I do feel for you.

Soaring hawk

I have thought about how she would react to me leaving I also have thought about if she left and I had the kids what that would do to her, I am trying to stay in the relationship because I want it to work I just don't know if she wants it to work. Again I understand why she is where she is,
Maybe she'd be better off if I left it would take some pressure off her. She told me one time she wished I'd have an affair but that's not who I am.

December2012

Can you bring any if this up in your marriage counselling?

Soaring hawk

December2012 wrote: »

Can you bring any if this up in your marriage counselling?

Have done, made no difference. I am going to stick it out as long as I can I hope there is some improvement but when I climb those stairs to go into an empty bed nite after nite it really gets me down and that might never change

_Kaiser_

Sorry OP, but if she's gone so far as suggesting you have an affair then I can't really see a way back - particularly if you've already exhausted the counselling option as you seem to have.

I don't agree with the idea of talking it out endlessly when there seems to be not even the slightest willingness on her part to work on it. How long are you supposed to wait - a year? 5? 10?

Don't get me wrong, I understand that your wife is going through some tough times and I do sympathise, but it's not just her that you have to think of - you have a right to be happy and fulfilled in your relationship too and she just doesn't seem to have any real interest in working with you on it, and this seems to have been a long-standing situation given what you've said about how she was before the counselling/when still drinking:

For years I have felt unimportant to my wife and when she drank I was made feel like dirt, now that she is off the drink I have asked if she loves me and the answer is that she doesn't love herself, we have not had sex or any form of intimacy in 4 years

Others here will likely not agree, but if things aren't likely to improve (and unfortunately I don't think they will given all that you've said) your options are to leave and deal with the consequences of that as I alluded to previously, or agree with her that you start living seperate lives (but keep it discreet for the sake of the kids).

All the best no matter what you decide, but this is a situation where I think it's fair and right to put yourself (and the kids) first. As I said above, they won't be blind to the situation either.