Anyone care to give feedback on a poem I wrote?

ChemHickey

Hi Guys, quite new to this forum (and even newer to the whole creative writing life). I just thought I would give expressing my mind a go and see what the results would be. I wrote this poem earlier and I would just like a few opinions/reviews/critiques on it. I was quite happy with it but I don't know how to judge if something you've written yourself is good or not



Kairos


I am my alpha.

I am the apple which falls.

The gift to the unsuspecting, self-fashioned from love and reason.
All that was still is.

I will shape the future.
My future. My outcome.

The Hands deceive me, however.
Forcing Their will. Their
legacy. Testing me.
I must concede to nature and purpose.

Blessed and burdened.

Diamonds crack under the pressure.
Lead fills my veins and heavies me.

The clock ticks.

I am drowning.

I can’t just leave, can I?
Can I not finish my test now?

No


I wait for the test to end.
The clock ticks.


I am my omega.

Oryx

I know little about poetry, except what I like, so these are just my uneducated thoughts on it.

The themes seem a little mixed up. Alpha/omega, apples, diamonds, lead, clocks, tests. What ties them all together? As individual phrases they are fine, but for me they don't work together as a narrative of what you are trying to say. I would love you to interpret it for me, so I can understand how it all belongs under your title 'Kairos'.

ChemHickey

Oryx wrote: »

I know little about poetry, except what I like, so these are just my uneducated thoughts on it.

The themes seem a little mixed up. Alpha/omega, apples, diamonds, lead, clocks, tests. What ties them all together? As individual phrases they are fine, but for me they don't work together as a narrative of what you are trying to say. I would love you to interpret it for me, so I can understand how it all belongs under your title 'Kairos'.

Thank you for your comment! I just wrote it for myself really but wanted to hear thoughts on it for the future (if I were to continue writing bits and pieces). The poem, in my mind anyways, is (abstractly) relating to academia and university/school stress. (I'm a Maths student so it's mostly a scientific poem really, basing around a child prodigy/genius and a struggle through school)

The alpha/omega parts are referring to the greek alphabet, the beginning and the end. Also, they tie in the origins of all things academic related really, the beginnings of maths, philosophy etc..

The same logic applies to the apple. Newton's apple. The fall is kind of representing being brought to life and the start of something new, like how the fall of the apple helped Newton in questioning gravity etc. I also imagined the subject of the poem being the apple as well. They will be the start of something more, something new. They could be born a child-prodigy which won't be known until they begin to develop "a gift to the unsuspecting". The self-fashioned part refers to the continuity of life. How we are made from cells of our parents, who were made from cells of their parents. Life never ceases to exist. We are made of indestructible atoms, and cells which are, figuratively, being recycled through generations of progeny. This is the part about the "All that was still is" (matter can neither be created or destroyed etc. etc.).

The subject of the poem is supposed to be a child "genius" or whizz-kid. They will shape the future, they are the apple which shaped the foundations of the theory of gravity. They may aid in someway to the future but they also should note that they are the shapers of their own future, their own "outcome".

Next in the poem I started talking about Time. I gave it a capital letter on purpose because I thought of it as sort of a deity really. The Hands refer to the clock and how they have played a trick with this child's life. The child (I'll refer to it as a he, to make things easier) should be doing ordinary childish things as he grows, yet due to his "gift", he is forced (maybe too strong a word) into more advanced work, like how Mozart was made into a materialistic type of thing by his father once he recognised his talent. This means that Time itself is robbing the child of his youthfulness and he is plunged into a more mature world of knowledge. Time is testing his character. The child must agree to Time (and his parents who are shadowed by Time really) as, like most children, they agree to their parents' wishes etc. The child has a purpose which he must fulfil (it seems).
He is blessed with a gift but also loses out on life because of it.

The next part of the poem, in my mind anyways, is set a few years later. The child now around 12 or 13 is now in the eye of millions, expected to do something with his life. The pressure being put on him by outside forces is something which, as happens quite often, makes or breaks someone. Diamonds (referring to the child's status/gift) can still crack under enough pressure. The lead is in reference to pencil lead as children would use in schools. It begins to poison the child from overuse.

The clock begins to strike now, it denotes a sort of countdown. The child must make a decision. Life or Death. He is "drowning" in all the "glory" of his ability. He starts to question life. Is it worth it, being left in the eye of millions. The expectations he'd have to live up to. Life has just become another exam in his eyes. He just wants to end it all. His life is just academics, nothing else.

But, he decides against it. His will to live powers through and the clock ticks on as he waits for his "test" to end. He feels indebted to live out his life. He is his own omega. He is his own end and he controls it (to some extent).

Also, Kairos is a greek word for time, but not specific time (chronos is used usually for time in general). It's a time where something of value/extent happens but an obstacle usually needs to be overcome. It's referred to as God-Time sometimes as well, I think.


It's REALLY hard to explain the poem properly here, sorry. I am leaving out a good bit of the more in depth meanings of things but hopefully it'll help to explain what it is about a bit more. It's mostly just academic related.

If you (or anyone else) have (has) any other comments on how to improve/reviews on the poem I'd be really grateful to hear them Sorry about my analysis, it isn't as clear as I'd hoped it would be. I'd probably be able to explain it more if asked to focus on a specific section and explain that really! :P

Thank you again though!

Fortheloveosod

I thought it was good. I had the same reäction in that I wasn't sure about all the themes, but your explanation made it quite clear. I do think it a bit difficult to analyse and me not knowing all that first, but that's common enough in poetry. I'll say I love most of it, and the end hits the way you must've intended. There's one line I'd say reads a bit awkward to me, and that's, 'The Hands deceive me, however'. Something about the rhythm of that one isn't right at least for my own part.

By the way, this is my first comment on Boards. I'm sort of lurking here for years, but I've just decided to post a bit more.

Carra23

I think it's a pretty good poem. Your explanation aside, I guessed it to be about life, maybe I was wrong but it seemed to be heading that way and then the line ' I can't just leave can I? Can't I finish my test now ?' made me think of life and how it is a test for all of us. I think that is the beauty of poetry, it's like song writing that has specific meaning to the author but can be interpreted in many ways.

ChemHickey

Fortheloveosod wrote: »

I thought it was good. I had the same reäction in that I wasn't sure about all the themes, but your explanation made it quite clear. I do think it a bit difficult to analyse and me not knowing all that first, but that's common enough in poetry. I'll say I love most of it, and the end hits the way you must've intended. There's one line I'd say reads a bit awkward to me, and that's, 'The Hands deceive me, however'. Something about the rhythm of that one isn't right at least for my own part.

By the way, this is my first comment on Boards. I'm sort of lurking here for years, but I've just decided to post a bit more.

Carra23 wrote: »

I think it's a pretty good poem. Your explanation aside, I guessed it to be about life, maybe I was wrong but it seemed to be heading that way and then the line ' I can't just leave can I? Can't I finish my test now ?' made me think of life and how it is a test for all of us. I think that is the beauty of poetry, it's like song writing that has specific meaning to the author but can be interpreted in many ways.

Thank you both for your comments (And welcome to Boards, Fortheloveosod!). I completely agree with the point made about their being a different meaning for each person and I'm really delighted you enjoyed it. I might motivate me to start writing a bit more now

lulu1

Hi I am sure your poem is very good but it would be beyond me to understand it, but that is your style of writing and well done. I have written a few poems myself but they would be completely different to yours. I have also started writing a short childrens book that I have asked for opinions on. Keep it up

Fortheloveosod

Why don't you share one? I've written quite a few myself. But they're very old-fahsioned.

lulu1

Fortheloveosod wrote: »

Why don't you share one? I've written quite a few myself. But they're very old-fahsioned.

Dont really want to make them public but i will pm you one if you are interested Why dont you put one of yours up. I wouldn't think a poem would ever go out of fashion

Fortheloveosod

I'm absolutely interested, Lulu.
Here's my one. Comes from a whole poetry cycle I've done. Some punctuation and spacing will be a bit odd here, as it's from a document which is meant to look as if printed in the 1890s, so with that font it looks right but not so much this one.
Here you are:
I. Mine Opiate Serv’th Me No Longer.
Mine Opiate serv’th me no longer,
I suff’ring this candle-lit room,
What pages I’ve written now burning,
I needing what Darkness will loom.

Serene, oh ! forsooth elemental,
What peace is the Magick of Night !
Though neither of Bliss nor of rapture,
Such Darkness may bear brief respite.

Such Shadow ! and in her I shrouded,
And whilst I within her now drown,
I find my Heart grieving and pounding
My Spirit till grey and a-down.

And whilst I within her be drowning,
This Heart will remind like a Knife :
I would she could thieve this thing swiftly,
This thing that some Men have call’d Life.

For should I forego thus my breathing,
Will I thus forget my such throes :
My Sins ’gainst my Dearest before her—
Before all this Dark was dear Rose.

And here is the reddest of Roses
A keepsake for her in my palm.
It bleedeth one drop, as dear Rose had,
To redden my page — but so calm !

In Sorrow and Anger, I bowing
My head as mine Eye-lids I close,
‘ Stay near, ’ cry’th my Heart-beat — ‘ Don’t leave us ! ’
I clutching — nay, crushing — my Rose.

I open my palms to see drifting
Her petals hence ground-wise like snow.
Her Blood dripping slowly and softly,
I look on red fingers a-glow.

The dripping crescendoing, madd’ning,
My corps* on its feet no more stands.
I kneel, for ’tis suddenly silent,
For Blood of dear Rose on my hands.

Mine Opiate serv’th me no longer,
I suff’ring once more her Unbloom.
The Life that I’d cradled now burning,
I pray thee, dear Dark, be my Tomb.

lulu1

That is just brilliant. While I did grasp most of what is was about I would need to read it another few times but I assure you it is myself that is the problem not your poem. What are your thoughts on my story A new puppy ps do not be afraid to say what you think

Fortheloveosod

Thanks very much. It's meant to be a bit opaque, as it's one of thirty-one poem that they tell a complete story. So, though the language is also a bit opaque and has been for about three century, you mayn't be missing any thing after all, as some of it's missing from the poem.
About your story, don't worry; I wouldn't dream of not saying what I think. But I've yet to read it as my internet's not working good just now. I'll be surprised once this actually posts.

Fortheloveosod

I have one called The Mill which I think is lovely but short. I want to know more about this mill. But I've no-thing about a puppy.

lulu1

Fortheloveosod wrote: »

I have one called The Mill which I think is lovely but short. I want to know more about this mill. But I've no-thing about a puppy.

Have a look at the thread good fair of downright rubbish