Abusive 16 year old.

Penny Tration

Hiya. This is a query for a friend (I'm too young to have a 16 year old), so I'm sorry if the post doesn't have enough details.

Basically, the 16 year old son is abusive. By abusive, i mean physically as well as verbally. He hits his adult brothers, mother and sister. He goes out drinking and falls in the door at 2am,or just doesn't come home. When he does get drunk, he has attacked people. He attacked a woman locally while drunk, and was brought to the police station, but nothing came of it.

The kid obviously has anger issues, and is constantly being suspended from school for being verbally and physically abusive.

The mother has him in counselling. He lies to the counsellor that his mother and siblings beat him(tthey've never raised a hand to him).

So, where can the mother go from here? She's had him with counsellors and doctors, to no avail, he's just getting worse.

Should she be calling the police every time he hits them, or is there anything else she can do? His father is not in the picture.

tayto lover

Leather injection.

Penny Tration

tayto lover wrote: »

Leather injection.

If by 'leather injection' you mean hit the child, not going tto happen. She's raised all of her kids without hitting them, and they all turned into great adults, bar the 16 year old.


Forgot to add - she has stopped all pocket money, but he sneaks out and his friends provide him with weed and drink.

January

tayto lover wrote: »

Leather injection.

Unhelpful posting is not tolerated here, if you've nothing constructive to add then do not post.

January

green_screen wrote: »

If by 'leather injection' you mean hit the child, not going tto happen. She's raised all of her kids without hitting them, and they all turned into great adults, bar the 16 year old.


Forgot to add - she has stopped all pocket money, but he sneaks out and his friends provide him with weed and drink.

I reckon they meant lethal injection :rolleyes:

Anyways, at this stage I'd be calling in social services and yes, calling the Garda every time he is abusive.

LegacyUser

green_screen wrote: »

His father is not in the picture.

It's sad but I'd say this is the only reason he is acting up, and getting away with this behavior. I'm sorry I can't offer you any actual help.

Penny Tration

January wrote: »

I reckon they meant lethal injection :rolleyes:

Anyways, at this stage I'd be calling in social services and yes, calling the Garda every time he is abusive.

Oh right :pac:

Can social services be called in to help with these issues? I haven't a clue how it works, as I don't have kids. I've convinced one of the adult brothers to call the Gardai anytime violence happens. If they can call in the social, that'd be great.

The mother is just worried that if the social are involved, her daughter (14) will be taken into care because of the 16 year old's lies.

Thanks, January.

January

Yes, social services can be called in by the parents to help with a difficult child and I would tell the mother not to worry at all, if what she is saying is true about the 16 year olds lying then social services will be able to see that and the rest of the family will not be taken into care.

Penny Tration

January wrote: »

Yes, social services can be called in by the parents to help with a difficult child and I would tell the mother not to worry at all, if what she is saying is true about the 16 year olds lying then social services will be able to see that and the rest of the family will not be taken into care.

Brilliant. Thanks for that. I've just passed on a text saying as much, so hopefully they take that on board.

TheNog

I would advise to mum to speak with a solicitor about getting a Protection Order in her local District Court. If/when son breaches the order he can be arrested and brought before a court. Judge can then direct him to get the help he needs.

Flippyfloppy

Can they do family counselling as well?

I would be concerned at what is making him so angry. I wonder if he found a therapist that he was more comfortable with/felt more on the same wavelength with, would he be straight up with them?

I would be iffy about leaving him without pocket money. Obviously his actions must have consequences, however it's clear that without money he's still going out & becoming dependent on these guys for his weed etc.

Penny Tration

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

Can they do family counselling as well?

I would be concerned at what is making him so angry. I wonder if he found a therapist that he was more comfortable with/felt more on the same wavelength with, would he be straight up with them?

I would be iffy about leaving him without pocket money. Obviously his actions must have consequences, however it's clear that without money he's still going out & becoming dependent on these guys for his weed etc.

The mother wanted family counse, but he refused to do it. He says he likes his current therapist, presumably because he has somebody who is happy to listen to his lies. She has called the mother in to a session, so that may help.

They assume his anger is down to his father wanting nothing to do with him. They've tried to help him with this, and tried to encourage him to talk to his therapist about it, but he refuses to listen. Just today, he called ChildLine and made up some awful things about his mother because she asked him to sit down and do his homework.

The reason she leaves him without pocket money is to try to stop him spending it on drink. Obviously that's not working, though, as he's still regularly drinking and disappearing for the night.

Flippyfloppy

I totally get where she is coming from leaving him without money, what's concerning though is that he is getting into debt/ a situation where he 'owes' one to his 'friends' for the weed & drink - it will be very difficult for him to get out of that cycle/away from that group if he is tied to them. However, I know if she gives him pocket money he'll just spend it on drugs/drink anyway so it's a lose/lose situation.

The poor mother- my heart absolutely goes out to her. For what it's worth, he sounds quite angry towards her too. He seems to blame her, and is always ready to punish her for everything she does. He sounds full of resentment.

Often people seem to like therapists that allow them to stay stuck in a rut. Because he's going down a road likely leading to drugs, would he be able to see a drugs counsellor? I'm really not trying to generalize, but some drug counsellors a can really make young lads sit up and listen, as they can speak in a 'been there done that ' way.

In the mean time absoluely keep the gardai involved, youth liason officer, and the school if he is still attending.

Mr. Z

green_screen wrote: »

His father is not in the picture.

In my humble-non-parental-potentially-wrong opinion, this could be the root of all the problems. Maybe if this was seen to somehow, things might improve. Obviously in real life sh*t can be so complicated, that this mightn't be possible for one reason or another.

diveout

Mr. Z wrote: »

In my humble-non-parental-potentially-wrong opinion, this could be the root of all the problems. Maybe if this was seen to somehow, things might improve. Obviously in real life sh*t can be so complicated, that this mightn't be possible for one reason or another.

It's easier to hate your mother than to fully embrace the rejection by your father, it really is that simple.

No worse feeling than sad, and anger makes you feel powerful. He will one day see the error of his ways, but he has to face the hurt before he hurts too many around him. The drugs are just the anesthesia he feeds himself.

The family has to confront him with this so that he comes to accept that his father is not in his life, but not to take it personally. People make choices, and those choices have consequences for others.... he has to mature fast and come to realise too young that the only control he has how how he chooses to react.

WarOnDrugs78

Nice to see how the mother is getting all the compassion, sympathy and understanding in this thread. All the obviously disturbed, confused angry 16 year old boy is getting is admonitions that he be shopped to the law. And people wonder why so many young men in this country die by suicide.

Sligo1

WarOnDrugs78 wrote: »

Nice to see how the mother is getting all the compassion, sympathy and understanding in this thread. All the obviously disturbed, confused angry 16 year old boy is getting is admonitions that he be shopped to the law. And people wonder why so many young men in this country die by suicide.

If a mother was being physically abusive to her son or daughter would you be compassionate or sympathetic to her? I don't see how this is any different. The son needs therapy and the family members who he is abusing need to be kept safe.

Penny Tration

WarOnDrugs78 wrote: »

Nice to see how the mother is getting all the compassion, sympathy and understanding in this thread. All the obviously disturbed, confused angry 16 year old boy is getting is admonitions that he be shopped to the law. And people wonder why so many young men in this country die by suicide.

His mother, brothers and sister are being physically hurt. He attacked and injured a random woman in the street. So yes, my sympathies lie with the mother

mumatfifteen

hi ive read your story and it reminds me of a situation that we had few years ago if you want to pm me i may have some some sugestions that mite be helpfull

singledad80

I say there are real problems with the child that has effect him this way, I recommend getting in torch with your local Hse may be he is been bullied or pressurized into it, I say sit down and talk to him also you have to keep him away from those friends, get him into activity that will ear him out like running or family walks if you can some times kids just need to feel love my heart goes out to you my ex son no matter how hard I try kept saying to me f off not your dad, hitting is not the answer, I read a good book swell reason boys are different, worth a read

Time Now Please

She should consider calling the Gardaí when he disturbs the family home again, let the Gardaí take him away and the thoughts of spending a night in the cells might change his attitude.

draiochtanois

This post has been deleted.

Queen-Mise

Does the fella have a problem with drinking? Consider ringing Aisling, the treatment centre for 15 -21 year olds. Have a chat anyway and see what they suggest she do.

I'd also suggest the mother get in contact with Social Services and get help, advice, etc. If the fella isn't pulled in - he will be looking at jail time, fairly soon.

Support, Support and more support is what the family needs and there is tons out there.

Penny Tration

Queen-Mise wrote: »

Does the fella have a problem with drinking? Consider ringing Aisling, the treatment centre for 15 -21 year olds. Have a chat anyway and see what they suggest she do.

I'd also suggest the mother get in contact with Social Services and get help, advice, etc. If the fella isn't pulled in - he will be looking at jail time, fairly soon.

Support, Support and more support is what the family needs and there is tons out there.

His brother and mother think he has a problem with binge drinking, as he gets more drunk than your average teen would, which doesn't help with his aggression. I hadn't heard of Aisling, so I'll pass that information on, thank you.

Social services have been contacted. I don't know much else, but the mother contacted them. I also know she has been to therapy sessions to help learn to cope with him. So hopefully things will look up soon, as he's obviously miserable if he's acting so badly.

Thanks again.

Crann na Beatha

This post has been deleted.

Penny Tration

Phoenix wrote: »

Where is the childs father in all this?has the child in question a postive male role model who he can speak to?

The child's father has joint custody, but has refused to see his children for the past 6 years.

The child has 3 adult brothers, who are all mature, kind, educated and in good jobs. One in particular spends an awful lot of time with him, bringing him to the gym, films, etc. So although his father isn't around, he does have male role models.

His father ignoring him is of course an issue, and is being dealt with in therapy.

Although he has a great male role model in the form of one of his older brothers, when he gets into a temper, he punches the older brother, or throws chairs or something. The older brother doesn't retaliate, except to hold his arms back, if the child is punching him.