not sure where we are going

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years, and we are living together for 2. We are both late twenties and working full time. Although he says things like "i want to be with you forever" i feel he won't ever talk about what that might actually entail (getting engaged, married, buying a house etc). whenever i try and say it to him he just changes the subject or says "lets not think too far ahead" or "enjoy the moment now instead of thinking ahead".

So i have started to feel like maybe i'm the one with the problem and i should just relax about it, or maybe see a counselor for my self esteem? at the same time though i think i'm entitled to know where/if we are heading anywhere. any advice appreciated thanks

Merkin

No, you do not need counselling for asking your long term boyfriend where the relationship is heading, why on earth would you? You've been with him SEVEN years, you both should have a pretty clear idea of what direction you are headed in, collectively or otherwise. I don't think his answers are acceptable really, sounds like you've been living in the moment for seven years now, it's important that you both establish what you both hope for and expect.

LegacyUser

so i tried to talk to him tonight. got nowhere, ended up getting really really really upset and fairly panicky. he said the same thing really, that he wants to stay together forever but that there is no point talking about the logistics until we could fully afford to do them. now i feel like **** because i feel so pathetic and needy! thanks for your reply, i dont feel as crazy now!

bee06

You're definitely not crazy! He should still be able to talk about your future in real terms even if you can't afford it now.

handlemaster

He's avoiding the issue. You spell out what you want and see what he says. Assuming you know what you want !

December2012

advicepleasethanks wrote: »

he wants to stay together forever but that there is no point talking about the logistics until we could fully afford to do them!

You don't know what you need to "afford" until you know what you are doing.

Do you know how he feels about the concept of marriage and parenthood?

What are his personality values?

His life aims?

I think it's unfair of one party to refuse to discuss a problem, but I also think it's unfair of you to panic and get emotional.

You have to stay calm, not be emotional, or manipulative or dramatic - I'm not saying you are but it's best to stay calm and cool.

LegacyUser

hi eveyone thanks for replying. i understand i shouldnt have gotten emotional or panicky but i wasnt trying to manipulate anything, i was just frustrated. if it was up to me we would be engaged a few years by now, and probably nearly married! Definitely saving for a deposit on a house too. and i would like kids too. i don't want to break up as i love him so much but i dont know what to do now.

Merkin

advicepleasethanks wrote: »

so i tried to talk to him tonight. got nowhere, ended up getting really really really upset and fairly panicky. he said the same thing really, that he wants to stay together forever but that there is no point talking about the logistics until we could fully afford to do them. now i feel like **** because i feel so pathetic and needy! thanks for your reply, i dont feel as crazy now!

But what ARE these logistics? Does he want to get a mortgage with you? Does he want to get married and when does he have in mind? Is he hoping to have children with you? When? How many?

It's a bit of a cop out bandying about a term like logistics when you have no idea if you're even on the same page and want the same things and are going to do so together.

It is OK to want to discuss your future together. It is important. And after seven years this should be pretty clear.

You really do need to thrash this out. Him taking a unilateral decision that this topic is now closed isn't at all acceptable. Write down very clearly what you want to say and what YOU hope for in your future and then arrange a serious, sit down, no distractions conversation over the coming days.

Big Bag of Chips

advicepleasethanku wrote: »

if it was up to me we would be engaged a few years by now, and probably nearly married! Definitely saving for a deposit on a house too.

Ok, so I'm guessing you are not yet saving for a deposit? So if he is waiting until you can afford the big things, when does he see that happening? Saving for something is the first step, and that doesn't require any long term plan. You just start putting away a bit of money.

It's not unusual for women in their late 20s to start thinking about these things. Nor is it unusual for fellas in their late 20s to resist them a bit But after 7 years you should at least be capable of discussing it with each other. I can understand if he is constantly dodging the question and telling you there is "no point" in discussing it why you would get upset and emotional. You are talking about your life, here, not what take-away you're going to get.

These are big conversations that need to be had, and not dismissed with "there's no point talking about it". Talking about things costs nothing. And it is the first step anyone needs to take, even before you start saving. You need to know what you are saving for and when you need to get the money together. Because that dictates how much you need to put away and for how long.

Sit him down. Talk to him again and lay it out in simple terms. After 7 years together you shouldn't feel worried or panicky about talking to your partner about your future.

LegacyUser

After 7 years you are more than entitled to ask him about a timeline for you future life together.

The main thing I would be thinking of is children. Do you want to have children? If so, does your boyfriend understand that once a woman hits 35 it becomes more difficult to have children? It would be no harm checking that because a lot of people don't realise this until it is too late.

Think about what you want. Ask your boyfriend in a calm voice what he wants and what timeline he sees for your future together. It is all very nice to 'live in the moment' but there comes a time in most relationships when the future has to be discussed. This time has come for you. And your boyfriend has to realise this.

Tread softly, though. He has a lot of thinking to do and having to think about all these things for the first time is very freaky. I am hoping to get married and have kids in the next year or two and although I am extremely happy with my partner I still get these moments of panic when I wonder if I am doing the right thing!

LegacyUser

After 7 years together you are entitled to know where your relationship is going.
Your now in your late 20's and after living together for 2 years at this stage you expected to be saving money and making plans in regards to the future ie marriage, children and buying a home.

You have tried to talk to him but he is brushing you off.

At this stage I would tell him that I am sick of you brushing me off when I ask you about our future. I want you to talk to me about where you see us long term - are we going to buy a house, get married or have children?
I would then say to him do you know that a woman's fertility declines at 35 I have to consider this if you don't want marriage or children.

I know that the above is blunt but at this stage he needs to know that unless you both start making plans for the future you are not going to be part of his life.
I knew a few woman like who were in long relationships. Eventually they had the chat about the future to be fobbed off or be told I don't want marriage/kids.
They ended these relationships and went on to meet men who wanted marriage and children.
I know it is hard to end a long relationship but if you want marriage and children and he does not you deserve to meet some one who wants the same as you.