Those three words

MauraTheThird

Hi, this probably seems like such a small problem in the schemes of things but;
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year (a year since April) and he still hasn't said those three words (sober, I should add). He said it to me whilst drunk on our birthday in November and since then, I'd been saying it to him although, I did notice he hadn't been reciprocating.

When I asked him what was wrong, he said he felt like it was too early to say it and didn't remember saying them to me in November. It's just that now it is getting to the stage where I am starting to feel very insecure in our relationship because I don't know why he doesn't want to say them to me. I understand the fear of saying them, as he was burned by an ex-girlfriend in the past but I am not her.

Just looking for any advice in order to stop me overthinking this issue and possibly wrecking what is a great relationship despite this one thing.

otnomart

Not sure what age are you both, but maybe focus on other "indicators", like: do you discuss your future together? have you talked about what you both want from a relationship?
Some people don't say those three words, but still mean them and it shows with actions and facts

LegacyUser

How is your relationship in general OP?

Do you get on well? Go out a lot together? Normal relationship in general apart from this issue?

I have a good friend who's with her bf 5 years, he just has such a hard time saying those words, it's like a mental block with him, she will say it to him and he mumbles it back everytime. And it's not that he doesn't love her - he's besotted with her, they're getting a mortgage and all right now. He just seems to find it a hard thing to say, which is HIS issue, nothing to do with my friend.

It's obviously hard to know if your bf has the same kind of issue! I know you've said you spoke to him before but I think you need to have a little chat again about it. It's a tough one because you don't want to feel like he's forced to say it to you. But my honest opinion OP is that I think I would feel exactly as you are now, especially as the year mark just passed.

Did you do something together for your anniversary?

MauraTheThird

otnomart wrote: »

Not sure what age are you both, but maybe focus on other "indicators", like: do you discuss your future together? have you talked about what you both want from a relationship?
Some people don't say those three words, but still mean them and it shows with actions and facts

We are only in our early twenties, and are in college so we aren't at that stage of life yet.

My boyfriend is very awkward with gestures and displays of affection which is probably why I am finding this hard. I'm quite romantic and would be fairly thoughtful so when he isn't, in both action and speech, I find it a bit hard. He has a different kind of affection, mainly ensuring that I'd ever go hungry considering the amount of tea, breakfasts, lunches he makes me.

Hey OP wrote: »

How is your relationship in general OP?

Do you get on well? Go out a lot together? Normal relationship in general apart from this issue?

I have a good friend who's with her bf 5 years, he just has such a hard time saying those words, it's like a mental block with him, she will say it to him and he mumbles it back everytime. And it's not that he doesn't love her - he's besotted with her, they're getting a mortgage and all right now. He just seems to find it a hard thing to say, which is HIS issue, nothing to do with my friend.

It's obviously hard to know if your bf has the same kind of issue! I know you've said you spoke to him before but I think you need to have a little chat again about it. It's a tough one because you don't want to feel like he's forced to say it to you. But my honest opinion OP is that I think I would feel exactly as you are now, especially as the year mark just passed.

Did you do something together for your anniversary?

We have a pretty good relationship bar as I said above, he is really awkward and closed with his emotions which I find difficult but I am trying. We see each other every day because we live very close due to college, have many mutual friends, many of whom have said to me that we are a great couple because we get on so well.

We went out for dinner for our anniversary in a restaurant he'd been in before and wanted to go with me to. So I don't know. I'm wary of saying it to him again as I don't want to push him on it, but I do get a bit sad when people bring up "love" etc because I know he doesn't feel that way about me. It's getting to the stage of the summer that we will be moving like two hours away again back to our own homes for the summer, so I think this is making me feel more anxious about it.

LegacyUser

Totally understand you being anxious OP, but he really does sound like someone who just finds it hard to say those words out loud, and as above poster said actions are sometimes better I was with a guy before who used to say it all the time, but honestly his actions were dire, never actually showed me he loved me, just thought he could dish those words out anytime and I'd melt and be happy with that. Obviously it didn't last because I knew deep down that it wasn't real love. He wasn't too bothered when we broke up either so that will tell ya how he really felt!!

Just from the information you've given I feel like he has an issue with saying it, not an issue with you. Some people are like that! And believe it or not I'm with my bf 3 years and I couldn't say it to him for months, then I was drunk one eve and said it, after that I was able to say it easier.
If your bf treats you well and looks after you well then that's a very good sign it could be just that he's finding it hard to say the words aloud!

bee06

Some people are just less comfortable with displays of affection. I'm like that and my fiancé is more like you and it took me a good while to get used to it to be honest. I love him to bits but showing it took a while. For me it was how my family was whereas his family are very affectionate. Maybe it's the same for him?

Based on what you say he is showing his feelings towards you in other less obvious ways so you don't have anything to worry about.

MauraTheThird

Hey OP wrote: »

Totally understand you being anxious OP, but he really does sound like someone who just finds it hard to say those words out loud, and as above poster said actions are sometimes better I was with a guy before who used to say it all the time, but honestly his actions were dire, never actually showed me he loved me, just thought he could dish those words out anytime and I'd melt and be happy with that. Obviously it didn't last because I knew deep down that it wasn't real love. He wasn't too bothered when we broke up either so that will tell ya how he really felt!!

Just from the information you've given I feel like he has an issue with saying it, not an issue with you. Some people are like that! And believe it or not I'm with my bf 3 years and I couldn't say it to him for months, then I was drunk one eve and said it, after that I was able to say it easier.
If your bf treats you well and looks after you well then that's a very good sign it could be just that he's finding it hard to say the words aloud!

bee06 wrote: »

Some people are just less comfortable with displays of affection. I'm like that and my fiancé is more like you and it took me a good while to get used to it to be honest. I love him to bits but showing it took a while. For me it was how my family was whereas his family are very affectionate. Maybe it's the same for him?

Based on what you say he is showing his feelings towards you in other less obvious ways so you don't have anything to worry about.

I think ye are both right to be honest. He isn't one for displays of affection but he does subtle things which I know are just for me.

Thanks for reassuring me that I am not crazy. I guess I was just getting caught up on a small issue and wasn't seeing the wood from the tree.

Obliq

MauraTheThird wrote: »

I think ye are both right to be honest. He isn't one for displays of affection but he does subtle things which I know are just for me.

That's it OP - better to feel loved than to hear the words overused with no substance to them. My fella never says it either, but I couldn't feel more loved than I do so it's fine. Took a bit of trust from me though, because I think we're all (maybe mostly women?) hardwired to need reassurances that the love is there as much in each of a couple, and it's obviously clearer if it's said out loud. I got my head around it by actually feeling like he'd said it every time he made dinner, took the kids off my hands, washed up, made me laugh to cheer me up, brought a present, dug the garden.....

MauraTheThird

Obliq wrote: »

That's it OP - better to feel loved than to hear the words overused with no substance to them. My fella never says it either, but I couldn't feel more loved than I do so it's fine. Took a bit of trust from me though, because I think we're all (maybe mostly women?) hardwired to need reassurances that the love is there as much in each of a couple, and it's obviously clearer if it's said out loud. I got my head around it by actually feeling like he'd said it every time he made dinner, took the kids off my hands, washed up, made me laugh to cheer me up, brought a present, dug the garden.....

I guess I find it difficult when people start talking about love etc because I do have an element of being anxious about it because he doesn't say it to me and isn't extremely affectionate.

But there is the times he has picked me up from trains/buses, has minded me whilst sick etc etc so I shouldn't feel down about this. It does get disheartening to get a "thanks" to an "I love you" though

Penny Tration

I think you should talk to him about it.

It's one thing to not be the type to say it. As long as you know he feels it, that can be fine.

But does he feel it? It's been a year, so tbh I think he should be able to say yes or no if you ask.

Obliq

MauraTheThird wrote: »

I guess I find it difficult when people start talking about love etc because I do have an element of being anxious about it because he doesn't say it to me and isn't extremely affectionate.

But there is the times he has picked me up from trains/buses, has minded me whilst sick etc etc so I shouldn't feel down about this. It does get disheartening to get a "thanks" to an "I love you" though

So stop saying it, and just be loving/loved? Maybe you quite often say it so as to get the answer that will reassure you ( I know I've done that before), but honestly it sounds like you've got a lovely man there, who loves you in action, thought and in deed, if not in word.

An Bhanríon

This used to bother me too. But now I realise for sure that actions speak louder than words.

It took myself and my boyfriend two years to say that to each other. But when we did, it meant an awful lot and was totally from the heart...