Conversing with guys help

LegacyUser

Well as the title suggests Im at a loss when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. Im a 30 year old woman so its not as if Im a teenager whos feeling shy. It all stems from back in primary school where I was bullied by boys for being overweight. Due to this I became more introverted around guys and as a result have no guy friends, and have never had a relationship. Around girls I can chat away and show my real personality but when it comes to single men I find it very hard to be myself. If I know the guy is attached its not as bad as I know there could be no romance there but whenever I talk to single men I just clam up. I end up feeling like im not pretty enough to be talking to them, especially if they are good looking, or I feel like they'll think ' who is she to be confident, whats she got to be confident about, shes not pretty' which I know is irrational but its there. This effects my work also as I work in a sales department and find it hard to converse well with male clients as I have this fear.
Ive been to a therapist about my confidence issues and I am now recognizing the fact that I am worthy and a good person, but I just feel like I'll never be able to have a relationship with a guy, something that's scaring me as I would love children. I get on well with my brothers, father, and my friends boyfriends but when it comes to single men I turn to jelly! Has anyone here got tips or been through the same? Thanks

December2012

Firstly, don't panic and worry that you'll never have a relationship or children. That's far too much pressure to be even subconsciously putting on yourself. You know what you want (a good man and kids), you're aware of the problem and you're taking steps to resolve it with the therapist and some introspection so it's likely you will eventually end up with what you want.

Secondly, these men you're talking to are not the bullies who you had before, so it's unfair of you to assume or worry that they are judging you or that they are thinking badly of you. For now, assume that they want to talk to you.

Don't change your behaviour based on how somebody else looks.

Now, some simple conversation techniques are to avoid asking questions that can be answered with a yes or a no, because that automatically stunts a conversation. Eg, in a bar instead of saying "do you like this song?" ask "what do you think of this song?" And the answer is more receptive to conversation.

Talk a bit about yourself, but ask questions too, and wait for answers.

Keep a few staples in mind, weather, sports (I suggest avoiding politics because it's too personal and passionate).

And don't be afraid of the odd silent moment.

Eeden

I think that people who have problems relating to the opposite sex are always, always thinking about having a relationship with that person. This definitely comes across and puts some people off straight away - they feel as though they are being interviewed.

You should focus on the fact that other people that you speak to are just that: other people. Don't put them in a box (single man, single woman, attached man, attached woman).

Don't think that every time you speak to an unattached man that it could lead to a relationship. I know it's not easy, but you need to lose the desperation.

pharmaton

Same here OP but in my case its the other gender, I've had therapy too but I'm genuinely terrified of women. I realise it might sound funny but I was taught to fear them from the moment I popped out of the womb and aside from a childhood based in that, there were other factors which contributed to the effect. (zero speech, and inability to communicate generally) It's self reinforcing too, I tend to only see the negative side of them and as that's all I can concentrate on that's generally what I tend to get, and so the cycle continues.

December2012 made some good points, and as I'm not really looking to make babies with women I don't have any advice to offer but I'm still working on confronting my fears as it affects every part of my life, from work to socialising and there really is only one way to do it. I'm still meeting some horrible women, I still go through the same processes, I think I'm just learning to get a handle on the actual feelings of fear and finding coping mechanisms to try and control it but the fear never actually goes away. (my friend says that's the description of courage) I don't know if I'll ever get over it completely, but even just acknowledging that takes a huge amount of pressure off.

Jenneke87

pharmaton wrote: »

Same here OP but in my case its the other gender, I've had therapy too but I'm genuinely terrified of women. I realise it might sound funny but I was taught to fear them from the moment I popped out of the womb and aside from a childhood based in that, there were other factors which contributed to the effect. (zero speech, and inability to communicate generally) It's self reinforcing too, I tend to only see the negative side of them and as that's all I can concentrate on that's generally what I tend to get, and so the cycle continues.

December2012 made some good points, and as I'm not really looking to make babies with women I don't have any advice to offer but I'm still working on confronting my fears as it affects every part of my life, from work to socialising and there really is only one way to do it. I'm still meeting some horrible women, I still go through the same processes, I think I'm just learning to get a handle on the actual feelings of fear and finding coping mechanisms to try and control it but the fear never actually goes away. (my friend says that's the description of courage) I don't know if I'll ever get over it completely, but even just acknowledging that takes a huge amount of pressure off.

Derailing the thread, but this just struck a cord with me. It sounds so very sad. I don't know if it was consciously done by your father/parents but it sounds like they severly impacted your ability to form healthy relations with the opposite sex and that's just so wrong and sad. I hope you will one day get over it and if there are any women in your life that behave less than pleasant, please cut them out and (slowly) try to find those who do. Take care.

pharmaton

Jenneke87 wrote: »

Derailing the thread, but this just struck a cord with me. It sounds so very sad. I don't know if it was consciously done by your father/parents but it sounds like they severly impacted your ability to form healthy relations with the opposite sex and that's just so wrong and sad. I hope you will one day get over it and if there are any women in your life that behave less than pleasant, please cut them out and (slowly) try to find those who do. Take care.

Op requested others share their experience but I won't derail by going into details other than to say I'm female. I do all those things but I still have to work and live with them so running away from the problem is never going to be a solution. Thanks for the encouragement though.

Lou.m

shygirlfff wrote: »

Well as the title suggests Im at a loss when it comes to talking to the opposite sex. Im a 30 year old woman so its not as if Im a teenager whos feeling shy. It all stems from back in primary school where I was bullied by boys for being overweight. Due to this I became more introverted around guys and as a result have no guy friends, and have never had a relationship. Around girls I can chat away and show my real personality but when it comes to single men I find it very hard to be myself. If I know the guy is attached its not as bad as I know there could be no romance there but whenever I talk to single men I just clam up. I end up feeling like im not pretty enough to be talking to them, especially if they are good looking, or I feel like they'll think ' who is she to be confident, whats she got to be confident about, shes not pretty' which I know is irrational but its there. This effects my work also as I work in a sales department and find it hard to converse well with male clients as I have this fear.
Ive been to a therapist about my confidence issues and I am now recognizing the fact that I am worthy and a good person, but I just feel like I'll never be able to have a relationship with a guy, something that's scaring me as I would love children. I get on well with my brothers, father, and my friends boyfriends but when it comes to single men I turn to jelly! Has anyone here got tips or been through the same? Thanks

Just talk to them as you would any other human.

Work on loving yourself. Guys can be just as insecure. I am sure you are a wonderful person.

Maybe try out a male orientated hobby something with mostly guys there to get you over it.

Not to flirt or meet anyone (but if you did thats fine).

It is the emotion that is in the way. Guys are just normal humans.

Jenneke87

pharmaton wrote: »

Op requested others share their experience but I won't derail by going into details other than to say I'm female. I do all those things but I still have to work and live with them so running away from the problem is never going to be a solution. Thanks for the encouragement though.

I meant that I was kind of derailing the thread, not you of course I hope things will be okay in the end for you and the OP.