Alcoholic girlfriend

Shelarusky

Hi everyone i need advice!

My girlfriend of 10 months has admitted 4 weeks ago that she has a drink problem. I knew she had, as she drinks almost every night and never knows when she has enough. she has blacked out on numerous occasions in my company so i can only imagine what happens when shes at home drinking on her own! one month ago, after she blacked out again in my company she admitted she has a drink problem and needs help. i told her id stick by her as i love her 110 % but since then she has stayed off the drink only 2 weeks and has been having the odd sociable one in my company the last two weeks! she said she will start councelling (which starts tonight) but doesnt need to go to AA meetings. i love her dearly and will help her every way i can, but in the last two weeks she has become very distant and rude, which is completely out of character for her. I think she regrets telling me her problem and is keeping her distance as she knows im watching her drinking now! I really dont know what the answer is, do i take a step back to mind my own feelings???

Zaph

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m'lady

Shelarusky wrote: »

Hi everyone i need advice!

My girlfriend of 10 months has admitted 4 weeks ago that she has a drink problem. I knew she had, as she drinks almost every night and never knows when she has enough. she has blacked out on numerous occasions in my company so i can only imagine what happens when shes at home drinking on her own! one month ago, after she blacked out again in my company she admitted she has a drink problem and needs help. i told her id stick by her as i love her 110 % but since then she has stayed off the drink only 2 weeks and has been having the odd sociable one in my company the last two weeks! she said she will start councelling (which starts tonight) but doesnt need to go to AA meetings. i love her dearly and will help her every way i can, but in the last two weeks she has become very distant and rude, which is completely out of character for her. I think she regrets telling me her problem and is keeping her distance as she knows im watching her drinking now! I really dont know what the answer is, do i take a step back to mind my own feelings???

Well you seem very supportive which is great, but she's an adult and is aware she has a problem so you watching her won't help, and could possibly hinder her.
I think you need to allow your girlfriend to help herself and ask her what role she wants you to take, as your not together that long on the grand scheme of things.
However I would suggest to try avoid situations where she is having this 'social drink' with you, try and think of other things that you can both do that doesn't involve drink.. that could help a bit. Try and not take it personally when she's being rude, she's possibly stressed out and snapping at the person closest to her.

Good luck and well done for being a caring and supportive boyfriend,and don't forget to look after yourself during all this too!

Tetra

Well, I have been in your girlfriends shoes. I am now over two years sober and happy.

Speaking from experience, alcoholics cannot just drink one or two beverages and stop. If you have seen her do this, she is not an alcoholic she is a binge drinker. Binge drinkers may have an underlying painful reason that "gives them permission" to get totally out of control.

You are in a tough spot. If she gets to the root of her behavior and it turns out to be a serious repressed memory, she will either get professional help or get worse. If she intermittently remembers some horrific memory (post traumatic stress) and tries to drown it in alcohol, her reaction will remain the same until she chooses to get professional help. Either way, you have a difficult decision to make.

Worst case scenario: (1) she lies to you about everything to keep you in her life which is a cry for help but not your problem (2) she chooses to get help but sneaks around to avoid being caught (3) she gets help but gives up anyway which is not your problem either.

My suggestion, if you are capable of backing off your relationship to strong friendship the outcome will be worth the wait if she seeks help. Let her know binge drinking is a deal breaker for any future involvement together. She will need a strong man to protect her from herself in the very beginning of therapy, someone who can remind her of HER choice to get better. Make no mistake; this is very hard work which is why the reward is well worth it. In the end, your relationship may not stand the test of time but your friendship will endure.

I am sorry, but I do not believe that she has been "having the odd sociable one in my company the last two weeks"! Do you think she could be hiding bottles? Because there was no way I could ever have "just one".

Well I also said that I didn't need to go to AA, but I was kidding myself.

It is good that you have opened up the lines of communication with your girlfriend by acknowledging her drink problem and making it clear you want to support her. It is important to be persistent with her, as she may deny she has a problem. Many alcoholics either do not realize their drinking has become problematic or are too worried about admitting their problem for fear of being labeled an alcoholic. It is important you show your concern and love for your girlfriend, your moral support will be a comfort to her and will give her the confidence to be honest. Talk to her about what you have researched, including the different treatment options. Make it clear you will support her, in any way you can.

It is important you do not enable your girlfriend to continue drinking. This includes making excuses for her if she has a relapse. Accept that while you can be there to support her, it is down to her to seek and continue treatment. If she does have a relapse, do not cover it up from other loved ones. While you may think you are saving her from embarrassment, you are actually making it easier for her to continue drinking.

I recommend that you join a self-help group, such as Al-Anon, which is designed specifically for the friends and family of alcoholics. Supporting an alcoholic can be tiring and your girlfriend may have frustrating setbacks throughout her treatment. Having the courage to admit my girlfriend is an alcoholic is the first step towards you accepting your girlfriend’s condition. Meeting up with people experiencing similar things to you will give you the encouragement and confidence to continue supporting your girlfriend.

Remember, it is important to put your mental health first. All relationships require hard work and communication. Nobody can boast about being perfect relationship material. However, some relationships are just not worth pursuing no matter how good they seem at times.

Taltos

OP - don't forget yourself in all of this. Maybe reach out to Alanon, they are there specifically to help those impacted by the drinking of others.

Shelarusky

thanks so much everyone! since i posted this she went to councelling, told me all about what they were talking about and got very upset, she told me the counceller was so nice! unfortunately i checked her phone and found out that she never went to councelling at all, she is lying to me about everything, i cant let on i looked at her phone, so now i really dont know what to do!

Merkin

How maddening. It's very hard to deal with someone who is not being honest.

Al-Anon as suggested above really is your first port of call. Lying and deceit is unfortunately an integral part of addiction and I think maybe talking to other people who have experience of the illness would be a really good starting point for you.

You sound like a very loving and supportive partner and this may just be too big to deal with on your own.

maria34

You are a very young person am i right? So why u want that mess and drama?
Liar is a liar, let her go and drink if she wants.

Tetra

I have been thinking about you a lot OP. I hope you are doing okay.

Your girlfriend reminds me of me two years ago. I lied then that I was attending AA meetings when I wasn't. I do attend them now though.

I know exactly how bewildering and shocking the outbursts must be for you - the whole "Where did that come from??!?" thing as the evening turns from being fun to suddenly being one where you're pinned to the wall by a torrent of abuse. And then the morning remorse and yet, and yet... she'll still do it all over again.

Are you at the stage yet where you start to feel tense before a night out with her at a friend's house? You know she's likely going to drink too much, but you're walking on eggshells around her and not mentioning it in case doing so annoys her and that's the reason she drinks too much...? You will.

Here's how it seems to me. She knows she's got a drink problem. She knows that she behaves badly. She also knows that she treats you badly - the man she presumably professes to love - when she drinks too much. And yet... she's happy to continue drinking and lying. Whether she's an alcoholic right now is impossible to say and, to be honest, beside the point. That's her business. Whether it will get better or worse is, again, impossible to say. All I can say is that over the years my drinking got worse and eventually my boyfriend and I split up. It was the best thing we ever did. We are both much happier now. I attended therapy for my addiction and I am the best I have felt in years. My ex has also met someone else and I hear he is blissfully happy.


The reason alcoholics lie so much is because we are filled with shame. Have you ever known someone who when they were a child said they wanted to be an alcoholic when the grow up? Of course not, no one sets a goal to be addicted to some type of drug or substance. The alcoholic thinks and feels as though “they” are a mistake. For that reason they will lie about countless matters.

But let's turn the perspective from what's up with her to what's up with you. You're in a relationship with a girl who will, on occasion, treat you appallingly. She blames the effects of alcohol for this, but she continues to drink. In effect, then, she's saying that she's more willing to continue to risk offending you and hurting your feelings by being awful to you than to do something about her self-confessed drinking problem. Actions most definitely speak louder than words in these situations and that is what her actions are saying. Is this the kind of relationship you want?

I'd really recommend going to a few Al-Anon meetings to see if they're appropriate for you. Being in a relationship with someone with this kind of Jekyll and Hyde personality is really hard work and can seriously dent your self-esteem. Or, some counselling may help you to identify what it is that you really want from your life and aid you in setting boundaries for what you consider acceptable behaviour from others, and what to do when those boundaries are transgressed.

You can't do anything about her drinking; nobody can force someone to stop drinking too much if they don't want to. She'll either continue to drink or stop drinking entirely for her own reasons and at entirely her own pace. That's her business. Your business is if you want to be around that or not.

I also suggest that you get your girlfriend to read "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. The best book on alcoholism I have ever read.

NipNip

She doesn't sound even near ready to address her drinking yet. She quite simply does not want to.
Just a word to the wise. Don't get sucked in to snooping on her. Checking bins, checking her whereabouts etc. That will drive both you and her mad. It will compound her lying.

You need to ask yourself - can you accept her as she is now? Can you continue in the relationship with her as she is now - i.e. drinking. Can you? If not, you're going to have to make a tough decision. Either you accept her drinking and all that goes with it, or you end the relationship.

Frustrating and all as it may be, you can not change her behaviour. You can threaten and control and cajole and manipulate all you like. You'll get nowhere.
You have to accept the situation as it is. She is drinking. She feels she has a problem. She can't yet stop. She does not yet fully want to commit to stopping.

As things stand, as far as she's concerned, I'd be willing to bet that she is thinking 'If only he'd stop annoying me about my drinking, there wouldn't be a bother on us'. And you're thinking 'If only she'd give up the drink, we'd be perfectly happy'. Am I right?

The strops are a direct result of you being seen as a party pooper. Controlling her. Annoying her about drinking. "How dare you suggest I quit entirely? Sure, I'll quit, but I'll make you bloody well pay! How dare you take away the only bit of enjoyment I have in the world?"

You need to ask yourself the questions I have highlighted in bold. Then you need to communicate your decision to her.

Good luck with it all.

Obliq

NipNip wrote: »

The strops are a direct result of you being seen as a party pooper. Controlling her. Annoying her about drinking. "How dare you suggest I quit entirely? Sure, I'll quit, but I'll make you bloody well pay! How dare you take away the only bit of enjoyment I have in the world?"

Agree with all the above except I'd say the strops could be happening as nobody likes to have their problems pointed out to them when they're blanking them out/not admitting they have one. Being in denial (about anything you are majorly messing up in your life) is a crutch to avoid having to look at yourself, and people can react very strongly to the point of having a proper go at their loved ones for having the denial pointed out to them.

I agree with the above posters who said she has to realise for herself - no amount of pointing it out to her will help if she is actively in denial to protect herself from self examining the issue. And that's why it's for sure up to you to decide if you can take this relationship the way it is now - she might not come to the personal choices she has to make without being shown how her actions have ended your relationship. I don't fancy your choices OP, best of luck and sympathies to you.

Shelarusky

ok so the update is, she went to councelling last night because i drove her & sat outside! (remember she told me she was there last week but she wasnt) she was out within 30 minutes which i found quite bizarre and she told me the councellor doesnt think she has a drink problem & that she thinks im too controlling. that i shouldnt have given her an ultimatum not to drink for 3 months that thats unfair of me & its only going to push my gf away. The councellor thinks we do too much together and we should do our seperate things. the councellor also thinks because my gf has a busy job that its ok to go home from work each night and unwind with a glass of vino! now obviously this is my gf telling me all this! she didnt make another appointment to go back as she said there really is no need, but she might go back in a few weeks. i cannot thank you all enough for your advice, it really is helpful.

NipNip

Can I ask how much she drinks nightly? By black-out, I assume you mean that she forgets part of the evening the following day?

Merkin

Shelarusky wrote: »

ok so the update is, she went to councelling last night because i drove her & sat outside! (remember she told me she was there last week but she wasnt) she was out within 30 minutes which i found quite bizarre and she told me the councellor doesnt think she has a drink problem & that she thinks im too controlling. that i shouldnt have given her an ultimatum not to drink for 3 months that thats unfair of me & its only going to push my gf away. The councellor thinks we do too much together and we should do our seperate things. the councellor also thinks because my gf has a busy job that its ok to go home from work each night and unwind with a glass of vino! now obviously this is my gf telling me all this! she didnt make another appointment to go back as she said there really is no need, but she might go back in a few weeks. i cannot thank you all enough for your advice, it really is helpful.

Lies lies lies. This is all absolute bullsh1t and your girlfriend left the session prematurely because it was most probably not going her way. She does not want help and is obviously not ready to a. recognize she has a problem and b. seek help accordingly.

You really have to ask yourself whether you want to stay with her - she is not telling you the truth.

Obliq

Yes, it's hard to believe that a counsellor would have said all that and then declared her good to go within half an hour. In my imagination it went more like your girlfriend telling the counsellor about the ultimatum, all her thoughts about how controlling you are to give a clear indication of her drink problem, and then avoid all attempts by said counsellor to get her to engage or admit to how much she drinks.

Even if the counsellor had said any of that OP, I don't think she would have been out of there in 30 mins - she'd have been talking that through for the full hour, the poor controlled and confined thing :rolleyes:, and arranging for another appointment to address how she might work on her own confidence in the relationship. I smell a rat, big time.

Just as an aside, and off topic a little, but when my ex husband was "voluntarily" signing himself into a psych ward on the advice of doctors and gardai, he sat in with the counsellor saying "I don't know why I'm here, I haven't got a problem, she has". Until they interviewed me, discovered his history of abuse, drinking and violence and signed him in immediately.

So I'm still saying your gf is in denial and may have said WHATEVER got her off the hook. In other words, she said it's all your fault.

Magicmatilda

I think at this stage you really need to look at why you are staying in this relationship.

Have you gone to Al anon?

You are only together 10 months and you are driving her to counselling to make sure she goes, whether or not you can see it, this is controlling behaviour, I can understand that you are trying to control her for her own good but you are none the less trying to control her and the situation. This is the sort of stuff you would learn about in al anon. Not her drinking but your reaction to it.

Honestly I think you would be better off by attending counselling yourself to try and understand why you want to be in a relationship with someone who blacks out most evenings, lies to you, clearly doesn't love you, what in you is attracted to that? Why do you not want a loving, calm relationship? This is the stuff you need to figure out.

She is not going to stop drinking and may never stop. she is not ready. So you either accept the situation as it stands or you leave. You need to figure out why you haven't left

LegacyUser

My God, OP, I could have typed that post myself. I broke up with a girl last year after 13 months of heartbreak. I was crazy about her, but soon realised drink was an issue for her.

I thought it was getting worse, but it turned out she had been really bad all along, she was just excellent at hiding it (pretending she was home asleep in bed, but actually drinking 10 cans kind of thing).

I tried everything, even resorted to a discussion with her mother (which I hated doing, but I knew something had to be done). Anyway, she lied that she had seen a GP, seen a counsellor, was attending CBT sessions etc.

She had a knack of making me feel guilty if I wouldn't go for a pint with her (she'd get hammered), so I knew I had to call it a day when I accepted I was enabling her. I tried everything to help her, but she wouldn't help herself, so I just had to remove myself from the equation. It was very difficult for the first couple of months, but I know I made the right decision.

Incidentally, I bumped into her mum a while back, and she's still doing the same craic. You can't help someone that doesn't want to help themselves.

Shelarusky

Ok so the update is..... as you all know i have sat back and watched for the past 3 months, knew she wasnt going to councelling, but noticed she was smoking weed aswell...! she was avoiding me all the time as she just wanted to stay at home on her own drinking & smoking behind my back, she thought i didnt notice. she was arriving at my apartment stoned, i was arriving in hers, she was stoned. so basically she started smoking because she could only have the few drinks in front of me, so if she was stoned when i arrived and then had just a few drinks well then she was happy out! two weeks ago i told her i knew about everything. she denied it all at first but then admitted to it all, she agreed she needed to sort her life out & was disgusted with herself for all she has done to me. she will go to AA and change her life. so i told her i will again stick by her 100% and support her as i can see a great future for us if she is sober. Two days later all has changed again. she rang saying the reason she lied about councelling is because she felt she couldnt tell me the truth. she said she can sort out the problem herself that she doesnt want to go to councelling or therapy. she reckons i am controlling her & that she is in her prime and likes enjoying herself, that a life with no drink is a boring one! so basically after everything she has put me through, she has now put it to me that she is not willing to change. needless to say after all i've done, and all the worry she has put me through im devestated. i have a choice: A. i can see will she sort herself out by herself and stop her ways or B. i can just walk away (which will break my heart).

Merkin

I'm afraid I think you have to go with Option B my dear. Because as much as you think that is going to break your heart, it doesn't even compare to the protracted heartbreak and devastation that is an inevitable part and parcel of supporting a lying addict unfortunately She will not accept she has a problem and can't be cured by proxy. You need to walk away.

username123

You absolutely need to walk away. There is nothing stopping ye getting a relationship back on track a year or two down the road if she is clean and sober then, but as long as she is still drinking, that will always come first for her.

iusedtoknow

As someone that had a drinking problem (never knew when to stop, blacked out, could turn verbally abusive depending on my humour) there are a lot of red flags that leave you with little option but option B.

She can only get sober IF she sees that she has a problem AND she actually wants to stop. Her denial is off the charts, and as such - she will simply not stop drinking. People with drinking problems are adept at denial, blaming others or just blaming others in order to get their fix.

I stopped drinking as I had reached rock bottom, and saw that I could very quickly lose everything (my job, my relationship). My GF (now wife) was supportive but was not pushy. She barely drinks which made my life a lot easier, and I also realise how much harder my life could have been without her.

It's sad...but you need to walk away, and hope that she sorts herself out.

thefeatheredcat

Walk away. It's the only option. I was involved with someone who turned out to be an alcoholic, I walked away and was the best decision I made. I've had friends with major drink problems from binge drinking, drinking alone, turning up on your doorstep at 6am on a week night with a few bottles looking for somewhere and someone to drink with. I've an uncle who has been an alcoholic for 30+ years, a couple of years ago he ended up in hospital after injuring himself through drinking, had to stay several days/nights and was sobering up... he was given the choice of drying out in their rehab centre across the hospital corridor, he agreed, he got in and guess what? He gave that chance up, left the hospital and straight back on the drink.
She is not ready to see she has a problem, be it the drink or being stoned almost all the time. To her it's perfectly fine and it is unlikely she will make changes, if she feels that's what she wants to do. And that is never going to change until she wants it to change. Your best option is to walk away.

Shelarusky

Hey everyone! Just thought id finally let you all know i have walked away. its heartbreaking but i cant deal with the lies anymore. Last week i gave her an ultimatum, she is so devastated she lost me she told me she will do anything to get back with me. i asked her to give up drink for 4 weeks and live with me for that time so i know shes not drinking, she declined saying she has too many parties to attend. Then last yesterday i missed 7 calls from her, she text asking can she see me. I arranged with her to call to my home at 8:30pm, she agreed. At 9:30 i got a message to say she was at a party and it was too hard to leave that she will have to arrange for another time. needless to say after everything she has done, all the lies and the hurt i have finally walked away! I should have done it months ago but i really wanted to help her. I am going to alanon myself tomorrow for my own piece of mind. i cannot thank you all enough for all the advice, its been such a good help. Fingers crossed she see's sense at some stage & doesnt ruin her life completely.

Penny Tration

Hey op.

I really think you've done the right thing here. You've done everything you can, but you can't fix her, and she doesn't want help.

For your own sake, block her number and block her on social networks so she doesn't have the opportunity to guilt you back and make more false promises.

Time to focus on you, and looking after yourself, because I'd say the last number of months have taken their toll on you.

Shelarusky

well the funny thing is she has actually blocked me on facebook & deleted all our pictures and memories of each other, says its too hard to look at them! apparently its all my fault, she says i dont know the meaning of love if i can walk away from our relationship. its horrendus because as we all know i didnt want to end it, i wanted to make her better so we could have a very happy future together. its horrible how shes turning it all around on me.

CaraMay

Op you have done all you can. I feel sorry for the girl but not enough to recommend you stay. She would end up dragging you down (mentally and emotionally) with her.

There is no point meeting her. She isn't ready to change. Do her family know?

Shelarusky

to be honest i reckon they know but cant catch her, her mother calls to her apartment when shes in work but my gf has the place cleared every morning going to work, she carries her bottles out to the bin every morning. she will never leave a scrap of evidence around the place. her mother is an ex alcholic and tee total 30 years now so she would be ideal to help her but my gf has threatened that if i tell her mother she will never forgive me and in fairness if she wont help herself her mother may not have much luck. its so frustrating as i know she has told them we've broken up because we want different things, but if they knew the truth maybe they could help her.

CaraMay

I think you need to tell them the real reason you broke up. It's not being vindictive, it's to get help for her. So what if she never talks to you again?!?!?

LegacyUser

To be honest, at this stage your ideas of "catching her out", or tagging her mother in, or getting her to stay off drink for short periods while you supervise her or anything else, no matter how well intentioned, are totally futile. She has an addiction and each time it has been pointed out to her and she's been offered support to address it, her response has been the same and she has defended and continued her drinking. That will not change until she hits whatever brings her to sense and she decides herself to stop. Do not fool yourself or waste your time by imagining you have a solution for her - you don't, only she does and only time will tell if she has the resources to overcome her problem.

Shelarusky

I know, i do want to but for some reason I am living in hope she will realise whats she's lost and sort herself out. If I do that i have lost her forever. Silly as it sounds I went to a really famous fortune teller and she's telling me she will sort herself i just have to take myself out of the equation and she will hit rock bottom. I know she is totally in love with me (im not fooling myself i really do know that). Oh I know i probably sound really silly but im trying to clutch onto all hope here :-(

tinz18

Tbh you sound like you're still enabling her. Her family need to know and who knows maybe when she realizes what a problem she has she'll thank you for telling her parents and getting them involved.
This "I'll never forgive you" crap is pure manipulation. If she loves you that much she'll forgive you especially when she realizes its done with the best intentions.
Think of it this way.... she could continue to skate along another few years, do irreparable damage to her health or you could get her mother involved now who can help stop the damage done early.

CaraMay

Shelarusky wrote: »

I know, i do want to but for some reason I am living in hope she will realise whats she's lost and sort herself out. If I do that i have lost her forever. Silly as it sounds I went to a really famous fortune teller and she's telling me she will sort herself i just have to take myself out of the equation and she will hit rock bottom. I know she is totally in love with me (im not fooling myself i really do know that). Oh I know i probably sound really silly but im trying to clutch onto all hope here :-(

But she loves booze more than you. As dr phil says 'how do you know an addict is lying? Their lips are moving'... Her lips are movîng.

You need to tell her family before she kills herself.

power pants

Shelarusky wrote: »

I know, i do want to but for some reason I am living in hope she will realise whats she's lost and sort herself out. If I do that i have lost her forever. Silly as it sounds I went to a really famous fortune teller and she's telling me she will sort herself i just have to take myself out of the equation and she will hit rock bottom. I know she is totally in love with me (im not fooling myself i really do know that). Oh I know i probably sound really silly but im trying to clutch onto all hope here :-(

Sounds like she probably needs/depends on you more than loving you as blunt as that may sound

As for the fortune teller, I wouldn't pay too much attention to them either

Tell her mother or don't tell her mother, id be very surprised if an ex alcoholic cant read the signs particularly from her own daughter even if all the evidence is in the bin

Best you cut all contact and get on with your own life

good luck

Chucky the tree

i wouldn't tell the mother. It's just going to be another reason to stay in touch/find out what's going on. Cut all contact and don't look back. If you tell the mother she might try and drag you into helping the daughter.

Big Bag of Chips

Shelarusky wrote: »

apparently its all my fault, she says i dont know the meaning of love if i can walk away from our relationship.

My friend has recently left her alcoholic husband. And this is word for word the line she has heard almost every time she has spoken to him. I wonder do addicts get a handbook of phrases to say to their partners? Because it's amazing how they all seem to follow the exact same script!

Al-Anon will be great for you. It will open your eyes to so much. You will hear the same story over and over from different people, from different backgrounds, but all with the same experiences.

robindch

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I wonder do addicts get a handbook of phrases to say to their partners? Because it's amazing how they all seem to follow the exact same script!

Emotional manipulation is the same in every language and for every situation and it's a deal-breaker for most people.

Shelarusky

ok so I have an update! I totally broke up with my GF and cut all ties, i even had to block her number because of the abusive & manipulative texts messages. it was so hard to do but i knew i had to do it for her. Anyway two days ago she turns up at my door admitting she has a problem & needs to sort it. She told her mam that night and joined AA last night. She claims that she wants to sort this addiction & will take it one day at a time. She is also goin to go to an addiction councellor also. so fingers crossed she gets herself sorted. I cannot thank everyone for their words of advice! You have all really helped. Al Anon is helping me also so i will keep that up to keep me strong to help her. :-)

ZiabR

Shelarusky wrote: »

ok so I have an update! I totally broke up with my GF and cut all ties, i even had to block her number because of the abusive & manipulative texts messages. it was so hard to do but i knew i had to do it for her. Anyway two days ago she turns up at my door admitting she has a problem & needs to sort it. She told her mam that night and joined AA last night. She claims that she wants to sort this addiction & will take it one day at a time. She is also goin to go to an addiction councellor also. so fingers crossed she gets herself sorted. I cannot thank everyone for their words of advice! You have all really helped. Al Anon is helping me also so i will keep that up to keep me strong to help her. :-)

She is a serial liar. You are again back in her life, is that really a good idea? You are going around in circles, every few months she admits fault and promises to change only to go back to the way she has been. Has she actually told her mother and is she actually going to go to AA?

I know the saying goes "love is blind". You are still in love with her and have always been in love with her so she knows you will most likely take her back every time she comes back to you.

You need to be careful here OP, for your own sake.

power pants

when an addict is down on their luck, first port of call is to their nearest soft touch.

Its less than 2 weeks since you finished it for "good"

Harsh words maybe, but you need to snap out of this nonsense and move forward and leave her behind, if not the cycle will keep on continuing and what do you get out of it? nothing but trouble

disengage

OP, I can speak from the POV of your girlfriend as I'm a similar situation, albeit I'm a few years older. Alcoholics by definition are liars (usually very good ones) and their promises mean nothing. While it's possible that she means it this time, I'd very very careful about taking her back or believing anything she says.

I have spent most of my 20's lying to family, friends, gf's, workmates.. I would say anything to get what I really wanted - drink and money for drink.

I've been there, talked to family, seen doctors, promised I'd go to AA and never drink again, at least 10 times in 10 years I hit rock bottom but was back drinking in a few days. From memory I think she's in her early 20s and it's pretty rare that someone tackles alcoholism at such an early stage.

It will be a long road ahead. I know from experience that it's very difficult for an alcoholic to identify with a non alcoholic and vice versa. Good luck to you and your gf. Look out for yourself though.

Big Bag of Chips

You can't help her. She needs help away from you. She needs to sort herself out and only then can you consider getting back in touch.

I mentioned my friend who left her husband. She walked out 6 months ago.. Left. Took the kids and is not physically in the same house as him anymore. She still gets drawn back to him every single week. Every week there's a new promise. Every week there's a bit of progress and then a week or 2 later he reverts to the same old same old. And she decides that's definitely it. Definitely his last chance.... And then the new promises come etc etc etc etc etc and on and on the cycle continues.

She has a long road ahead, and regardless of what she tells you, you can't really help her. This is something SHE needs to do.

Keep up your Al-Anon meetings, and treat everything she says with a certain degree of suspicion.

Shelarusky

no its two months since i finished it for good, she has totally told her mother (who is a recovering alcholic 25 years & works for the AA), her mother contacted me to thank me for guiding her in the right direction. So her mother is going to AA with her for the first few times until she finds a class that suits her. I really do believe she wants to do it this time. Now im not defending her but something tells me she really has turned a corner. Now dont get me wrong, im no fool and know she can fall at any stage but surley I hav to give her this one last chance to sort this.

Big Bag of Chips

Of course you can give her one last chance.... Just keep an eye on how many last chances you give her.

Chucky the tree

Personally I'd cut contact at least for another few months. If she's simply doing this to get back together than the worry is once that's achieved she'll start drinking again. I'd give her the space to sort her live out for herself.

CaraMay

She needs to concentrate on getting herself better and have nothing other than that yo worry about. You should take a step back to allow her do this.