Is this a bad sign or am I unreasonable?

LegacyUser

A little background: My boyfriend and I are in our late twenties and have been together for over three years. Two and half of those have been long distance. We met through mutual friends in our hometown in the west of Ireland. We have made the effort to see each nearly every weekend and we get on really well. We have talked about the future and we do see ourselves getting married in the future. I love him so much. He is smart, funny and kind and he makes me so happy.


So my bf has been working in Dublin for the last year. He has a full time job which he likes, a good manager and good opportunities for advancement. For the last few months I have been aware that there was a position in my company going in Dublin. I was really hoping to get this because it was a really good opportunity for me as well as being in the same place as my bf. Double luck! I interviewed for it and was lucky enough to have been offered it a few weeks ago. I was absolutely thrilled and so was my boyfriend. We discussed how nice it would be to be in the same city and actually get to see each other during the week and not have to travel hours at the weekends! I brought up the possibility of moving in together and he said that he was tied into a lease but we could look at it when the lease ran out. I was disappointed but I could also see the benefit of getting used to seeing each other more regularly before moving in. It also gave me some time to establish myself in a city I had never lived in before.

The issue is that a job near our home town is currently being advertised and my bf wants to apply for it. It's at least three hours way. My bf has always been a homebird and only moved away because he couldn't get a job. We even discussed moving back in the future and I agreed that would be our goal because I knew it meant a lot to him. I just thought we would make that move together...a joint decision.

The reality is I am going to be in Dublin for the forseeable future. I'm just gutted and I'm frustrated that he has decided to do this. I told him this and he told me that he never would stop me making career choices and it was unfair to do this to him. He also said that I knew that he wanted to move home. I told him I did but I didn't think he would choose it over me! The thing is though, this is a side step for him at most and would actually be a step backwards career wise. He current position offers more opportunity for training and promotion. If it was a good opportunity (career wise)I would be the first person to encourage him to go for it.

He talks about moving home and saving money and looking forward to his old life.

I don't want to force him to stay because of me but I just feel deflated at the idea of long distance when it isn't necessary. It also makes me question when will we actually get to live together! I guess it would be dependant on my moving home and/or commuting.

I just feel so worn-out and I'm thinking that maybe I have lost perspective so I would value your opinions!

Tokyo

To be honest, if you've been together for three years, and he's still making life decisions for himself, rather than for you both as a couple, then it doesn't bode well. It's easy say the words when it comes to planning a future together, but after three years I'd want to be seeing actions too, otherwise I'd be asking myself serious questions about the viability of the relationship.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with him about where he really sees his future, where he sees your involvement in all of it, other than following him back and forth across the country, and then decide if it's going to be enough for you too.

Tigger99

He said that he can't break his lease to live with you, but presumably if he got the job and moved back home he'd have to break his lease then? It sounds like he just does what suits him without much regard for you.

I'd second the need to have an honest chat with him. Also, after 3 years he should be dying to live with you

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. We have talked about living together and he says he wants it and wants to marry me - eventually. Everything is just so vague which I find difficult because I like structure. I know plans don't always work out but it's nice to have a rough guide. I just feel like I'm pushing too hard when I have these conversations. Everything is going so well otherwise I keep thinking why rock the boat about the future? Which all sounds silly when I read it back to myself!

That's a good point about the lease. I'll be interested in his reply on it!

I think you both are right. I we need to have a chat and I'm actually going to have to get some proper answers!

liz lemoncello

Just to be clear, your boyfriend has a job you refer to here:

donewithtravel wrote: »

He has a full time job which he likes, a good manager and good opportunities for advancement.

Then, soon after you are offered a job in the same city he wants to move away to take this job:

is a side step for him at most and would actually be a step backwards career wise. He current position offers more opportunity for training and promotion.

The timing sounds strange to me, OP.

An Bhanríon

Have a think about what you want in the future. And what your time scale is.

Maybe it's now time to 'rock the boat' and find out if that future is going to be with this man or not. There's nothing like having to make difficult decisions to find out if you are meant to be with someone for life or not!

Gongoozler

Tigger99 wrote: »

He said that he can't break his lease to live with you, but presumably if he got the job and moved back home he'd have to break his lease then? It sounds like he just does what suits him without much regard for you.

I'd second the need to have an honest chat with him. Also, after 3 years he should be dying to live with you

Was with you up till the second paragraph, nobody 'should' be dying to live with someone after any amount of time, that's a ridiculous standard to set.

OP it does sound like he doesn't really see you as a big part of his life. But maybe the job isn't so much because of progression but a nicer company, like you said closer to home etc, there are many reasons a person could want to take another job. But the whole thing you would expect would be something he'd need to consider, after three years together, and it meaning cutting off the chances you had of seeing each other more.

strandroad

Looks like you took being close to him as big part of your decision but he didn't. For him you come after hometown and career (and the lease).
I'd say move to Dublin and see if your relationship fizzles out when he's back with his hometown gang... It very well might.

LegacyUser

I can understand how you feel at the moment. The reality is that you are both in your late 20's and have been doing a long distance relationship for over 2 years.
You have talked about living together and getting married.
You got a job in Dublin so you could spend more time together. He won't move in with you as he does not want to brake his lease.
After doing this he tells you about a job near where he is from that he is going to apply for.

I would ask him what will happen to his lease if he gets the job at home?
Ask him does he know what this company is like to work for/ do they have a high turnover of staff? Could he find out why this job came up?

I would then ask him how long does he expect you to spend a few hours every weekend traveling to see him? Ask him when do you see us spending time together as couple? Then ask him when will we move in together and when do you see us getting married?

You took this job in Dublin to spend more time with him but he seems to expect you to row in with what ever he wants. He know that you will be in Dublin for the foreseeable future so why does he suddenly decide to apply for a job near home.
At this stage he needs to know that you are no longer going to put up with a long distance relationship that is going no where.
I had family and friends that were in long distance relationships but they know by x period of time they would be living in the same area, moving in together or getting married.

Dellnum

He misses home and this opportunity means a lot to him. He probably was happy with seeing you at weekends and feels that this can still continue if he gets this job. So he can see no problem with the move. You, on the other hand, are disappointed that he wants to move just as you want more in the relationship. He could probably see it that he always wanted to move back home and has told you this from the start and now there is an opportunity to do this and he wants to take it. He feels that it isn't that easy to get jobs close to home so he needs to strike while the iron is hot so to speak. He may feel that it is easier for you to move around than it is for him and that is why he wants to try for this job. I can see his point.

I would not analyse him wanting to wait until his lease was up before he was prepared to move in with you. He just wanted to keep things simple.

It would appear that you want this relationship to move on faster than he does but it doesn't mean he is getting tired of you. That is how I see it. I can understand your disappointment that the Dublin situation did't work out the way you hoped it would, but I can also see his point too.

Have a chat with him as to how he feels about you and the relationship and you might feel better about all of this.

Stavro Mueller

Dellnum wrote: »

He misses home and this opportunity means a lot to him.

^^This. Reading your posts it's coming across to me that you're both coming from different places regarding your careers. You're more driven than he is. He's a homebird who'd never have moved in the first place if a job had arisen locally. It's interesting that you say that if the job back home had been a good opportunity career wise, that you'd have encouraged him to go for it.

If where you come from isn't bursting at the seams with job opportunities in the area in which your boyfriend works, the chance to get back home is the equivalent of winning the lottery. He has always told you he wanted to move home and this is his chance. He's probably seeing it in terms of getting that job first then worrying about the rest.

As for this lease business, I think it was an excuse not to have you move in together. Perhaps after doing the long-distance thing he just wanted to see how the relationship would work with the pair of you seeing much more of each other before he took things further. Or, he just wanted to keep his options open. He didn't want you moving in with him because it'd make it harder for him to move home.

Where you fit into all of this I don't know. Talk to him.

LegacyUser

I think Dellnum and cymbaline have hit it on the head.

I absolutely understand why he wants to go home. It is important to him. I should say that jobs in his field are easier to come by nearer our hometown when you have experience. It's not the first time a job has come up, it's just the first time he has enough experience to stand a chance.

I think you all have highlighted the issue I've been finding it difficult to pin-point, where do I fit into his plans.

I'm not going to get a chance to talk to him until tomorrow but I definitely have a much better idea what I want to say.