Perspective of future.

LegacyUser

I've been in my current relationship for the last 9 months. We are both in our 30's and I know that I want to share the rest of my life with him. My partner on the other hand, while he tells me he loves me and is a caring and lovely man says he is unsure of the future. To him, it depends on how we get along living together, whether we stay together or not.

Currently, we are in a long distance relationship and we have been seeing each other twice a month. We are in regular contact on the phone.

Am I wrong in thinking that, if you really love someone you would be committed to them no matter what? I'm just not able to comprehend his view that this relationship will only survive if we get along fine living together. If we were to encounter problems living together, we would both do our best to sort them out because we love each other and want to stay together.

I feel like once we start living together, I'm going to be put on a trial period. This is making me withdraw away from the relationship a little now as I'm feeling rather insecure and wondering how much he is actually committed to me.

Also, I know 9 months is a short period for me to be saying I want to share the rest of my life with him but, it really does feel right. No, it isn't because I'm in my 30's and wary of the clock ticking. He really is the right man for me.

loalae

I can see both points of view but I'd be more inclined to agree with your boyfriend.

You don't know if you can live with someone until you try it out.

Living with someone is a step in a relationship. Personally, I wouldn't feel comfortable committing to a life with someone if I didn't know that I could live with them.

He's telling you he loves you and he's saying that he wants to try living together before promising a life together. To me, that sounds perfect.

I wouldn't see this as rejection or YOU being put on a trial. Why don't you try to reframe the situations so that you see this as a step rather than an obstacle to overcome? This is also a chance for YOU to know for sure that you want to be with him forever.

Personally, I think it's a good thing that he feels secure enough with you that he can express his concerns and he really does have a valid point.

boomchicawawa

This is a hard one to call without knowing you both. But it's obvious that you feel he is not as committed to the relationship as you are. You feel he's the 'one' and his apparent lack of reciprocation in this is making you feel uneasy....

He could be the type to bide his time on a slow burn but commit to you for the rest of his life.... You on the other hand could be all loved up for the next six months and then after a year be eyeing up the office hunk !

To be honest, I've come across many of loved up couples who can't keep their hands off each other and are all starry eyed and nine times out of 10 they don't last the distance.

Mr steady Eddie is either cool about the relationship or just cautious, either way if your clock is not ticking, why not just enjoy the ride ..... he's committing to living together, so that's a big plus...maybe just chill and stop analysing, so what if you live together and you find it doesn't work,? At least you gave it a shot....what do you really want from him? Do you want him to say that you're the one and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you ?..... or do you want to finish it now without trying ?

The only thing that will finish you at this stage is this insecurity...my advice..... live together, see how that goes and if he's still dragging his heals by the time your biological clock does start to tick, then you have a real problem ! I hope it all goes smoothly ! Good luck..

whiskeyman

I'm sure you've heard the saying that you don't really know someone until you've lived with them... Your boyfriend obviously has!
You should still be in the honeymoon period to some degree and should be excited at the thought of living together. You didn't specify when, (if you know?) you've planned to live together?
Ill admit that saying was in my head prior to moving in with my GF, but I never mentioned it in a negative way. We were both too excited to just spend lots more time with each other.
Is he negative about other things? Has he had a bad experience with living with someone in a previous relationship?

ElleEm

Have you lived with a boyfriend before, OP? If you have, you know how much of a learning curve it it is. It is a trying time for any relationship, and there will be much more spats and bickering than usual. Right now, you are seeing each other so rarely that I am sure it is all lovely when you are together, but living together really will show you if your relationship is going to go the distance. I think your boyfriend was just being honest with you on his thoughts. It does certainly sound like you are moving faster than him in terms of your future though.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies and the reassurance.

I guess you're right that I should relax because it isn't long till we will start to live together-August but like I said before, I guess I just had this romanticised view that when you love someone, you stay together no matter what.

I have been in a 5 year relationship in the past and I was living with him for 4 of those years and we got on fine. The ex was committed from the start. I do take your point that my current boyfriend could just be a slow burner and I really do hope that is the case.

An Bhanríon

Don't worry, my boyfriend was exactly the same when we moved in together last year. He didn't want to get a year-long lease 'in case things didn't turn out'. That said, he was totally committed to trying his best to make things work. We had our dodgy moments after moving in together (lots and lots of them!) and gradually things got better and better. We are now planning our wedding.

I felt very much on trial and very vulnerable because of his approach. Just like you I thought there was very little chance that things wouldn't work out and I couldn't see why we needed to be cautious. I still don't understand his perspective but I accept that it is just the way he saw things.

My advice is to chill out and enjoy moving on together. Don't let this bother you. I did and it made me quite uptight. I was trying too hard to have everything perfect, having the housework in order, be a cheerful housemate, etc. It's not worth the stress. Put your worry at the back of your mind and enjoy moving in with the love of your life!! (And finding out what his quirky habits really are...)

Tramps Like Us

He's just being logical about things... sounds normal to me