My boyfriend told me this out of the blue

LegacyUser

He said "though out our relationship, I never stopped to think about our future properly. I knew that I loved you and took it day by day. But then two weeks ago when I sat down and started to think about two years, four years later, ten years even, I kinda realised that I wasn't sure about how I actually felt, I thought that if I was in love, I'd know it for sure" He was crying his eyes out saying this and saying how much he loved me and that I'm thebest thing that ever happened to him and that I make him a better person. It was a two year very solid, totally affectionate, supportive, committed, loving relationship. His friends always said how amazing I was for him. This came way out of the blue. I am in total shock.

I said "For now, zero contact is what I need, we can't stay friends, but after having some space, feel free to get back in touch with me if you'd like to discuss some things or try again, I do think that you and me are very, very special, the door is always open if you do realise that you miss me and want to be together. Being in love isn't starry eyes and poetry, its adapting and growing and working together because we love each other and make each other happy, thats being in love. If you feel differently about after having some space then we can talk about it. We are in our twenties.

Not sure why I'm even writing this and what outside perspective will do for me. It's seems cut and dried. I know that all I can do is accept it, cut contact, move on with life. I guess I'm just hoping that he's having a phase of reflection and needs space, that he does love me and will return one day, but maybe he's right, that if he was really in love me, he'd see his life in ten years with me in it?

ongarboy

Sorry OP to hear that - it's a rotten situation to be in. I'm trying to think how I'd feel if my OH said that to me. I think I'd fear that even if we did get back together, the seed of doubt would have already been planted so that you would always be thinking, what about the next time he decides he needs more time out? Or that, not finding the ultimate dream partner while on "his break" he would come back and "settle for you".

I think people don't even have to be madly in love currently to want to stay together as liking another person, wanting to spend time with them, having fun with them is enough to keep the momentum going and evolve into a deeper love and connection and solid future.

It sounds like he may have committment issues. He supposedly loves you, you're the best thing that ever happened to him, you make him a better person yet that is still not enough for him? They sound like words rather than feelings. If he really felt that way, he would be dancing with joy that he got to spend his future with someone who made him feel that way.

In fairness to him, he is being honest not to string you along by bringing this up now rather than when you got married and had kids. You and he both need to move on and find the right persons for both of you. I'm not sure it's wise you saying you will leave the door open for him as that is preventing you from moving on. Yes, you thought he was right for you but really, he is only right for you if the feeling is mutual. Best of luck.

MugMugs

ongarboy wrote: »

In fairness to him, he is being honest not to string you along by bringing this up now rather than when you got married and had kids. You and he both need to move on and find the right persons for both of you. I'm not sure it's wise you saying you will leave the door open for him as that is preventing you from moving on. Yes, you thought he was right for you but really, he is only right for you if the feeling is mutual. Best of luck.

This !

Close the door OP.

I know that may not be easy but don't be seen as a fall back.

You said and did all the right things. Now it's time to grieve and grow stronger from this

Linka

I agree that it is better that you didn't find this out further down the line. Although what he has said was devastating to hear, I think it's for the best in the long run. I also feel that you should NOT have left this open ended. You can't be expected to sit around and wait forever for him to return to you, when this may have just been an easy let down. As another poster said, even if you did get back together I too would always feel like he'd have doubts again. It's not a very solid foundation for a relationship. If I were you I'd tell him you're retracting your offer to wait, you have a life to get on with.


Take care TS.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for the advice and support everyone.

When I meant that the door was open, I meant that he is welcome to have space from the relationship to reflect and process these things, we are very young and a few things have happened recently in personal life that may have caused him to get freaked out, panicked and philosophical. If he decides that he would like to try again that he can inform me and we can talk, but in the meantime I will be getting on with life. I guess because it came so out of the blue and so out of character, and genuinely only in the last two weeks, that I just want to give him some space from the relationship to reflect on things, I think that that is healthy but if he did return we would need to really discuss and explore a lot of things and I agree that it may not be feasible.

I am going to get on with life regardless because I know full well that I may never hear from him again and I won't be holding out on that and waiting.

Thanks everyone, feel a bit more logical and settled with it now. It's out of my hands.

boomchicawawa

I think you did everything right here.... You have put your stall out, and now its up to him to see how this affects him. I know its a risk that he'll suck it up and move on, leaving you with a broken heart. But its the best thing, better to face this now and not 5 years down the line.

He sounds like a lovely guy who is suddenly growing up, its breaking his heart too by the sounds of it, but if you don't go cold turkey, he won't be able to fully appreciate what he's losing. He may think the grass is greener but it rarely is.

Do you remember when Kate and Wills split up, she was photographed going out laughing to nightclubs (even though she must have been heartbroken) There was hunky guys escorting her and talk of a new career. He on the other hand was falling out of nightclubs looking like he was dragged through a hedge backwards ! He had finished it for the same reason, he wasn't sure if she was the one....and look what happened, he can straight back, couldn't stand seeing her with someone else and they got over it and became stronger.

You need to give this relationship a real break, go out with girlfriends, take up a new hobby, have fun....if Mr right sees you surviving, it will give him pause for thought...who knows, you may not want to resume the relationship instead of him..... Keep the faith, what's for you is for you, I remember my first broken heart, it was a very unhappy time but it makes you stronger..... Best of luck xx

LegacyUser

I would agree with what the other posts have said here.
It is time for you to move on with your own life, met up with your friends and spend some time doing the things you like or doing something you always wanted to do.
See if you could get involved with some group or organisation to make more friends.

I would agree with the posts that you are not seen as a fall back for him. Some guys think they can play the field but expect you to put your life on hold waiting for them to come back. Your worth more than this.

Move on with your own life and if he comes running back to you in 6 months time you may want to tell him you have moved on with your life.
It is better things ended now rather than braking up after you had a child, children or got married.

ILikeBananas

I know it sounds dishonest but you certainly shouldn't have given him the safety net that you did. Even if it's true it's better to leave him with doubt that if he makes this decision that he's potentially risking a future relationship with you. Now he effectively has free reign to go and experience some other relationships safe in the knowledge that you'll be waiting for him. When Prince William dumped Kate Middleton her mother's advice to her was to dress herself up as well as she possibly could and be seen out on the town knowing full well that the pictures would get back to William. They did and he realised he couldn't risk losing her to someone else and they ended up back together.

Edit: jut noticed that the poster 2 above me also referenced this story so yeah it's a good example of how to react in this situation.