Advice please.

Elephant shoes

Hi all, ok here it is.

Background. We are both in our early 30's and have two kids under ten and are married nearly ten years. I work days and she works nights. We are in the middle of building a house as well.

Her father deserted her family 16-18 years ago. She hates her father for this and has or never will speak to him. She told me all this early on in the relationship and I vowed to myself never to do this to her.

I cough my wife cheating on me 18 months ago with someone from her work ( he has since moved on) they only passionately kissed once and were flirt texting is what I was told. I was heart broken, after what her father did to her family I didn't expect her to do it.

I forgave her and life went on but I can not trust her anymore.

Example; yesterday morning we had a small argument as she got into bed, I was going to work and as I walk out the door I got a text saying "completely naked" first thing I thought was that was the answer to a sext question because I never asked. I confronted her asking was it for me and are you cheating on me, here reply is "no I'm not cheating, it was for you, to get you to come back to bed."

It's not the first time this has happened, that a text or comment has got me questioning. She says hand on heart that it's only me she wants.

I'm a very trusting person but Ive lost that trust with her.
What do I do?
What are my options?

I hope it makes sense, it's late, and I can't sleep. Thank you in advance

Obliq

Sorry for your hurt OP. My only advice would be to talk to your wife and tell her you're still having trust issues - that you wish you hadn't, but you're really struggling with this. If you were willing to go and talk to a counsellor about what happened, it could really help you come to terms with your feelings of betrayal and the problems with trust that you're still having, and it would probably help your relationship to bring this up with her and tell her you want to work on it. For the sake of your relationship, she'll surely see that you're not trying to rake up hot coals for a fight, but are genuinely having difficulties that you can't address on your own. Hope you do talk to someone OP.

Ps. If she was amenable to the idea, perhaps couples counselling would be best as you will probably need her input. This would include some individual work, I'm sure. Couldn't hurt, especially as you're going through the stresses of house building and working opposite shifts - you must be wrecked tired, you poor thing!

boomchicawawa

I have to say, my heart sank when I saw the different work schedules. That's tough...I presume there is no way around it? But if there is, I'd try and change it so that you are actually not just ships passing in the night.

The thing with the work mate may just have been boredom or an escape from the lack of attention that you both are unable to give your relationship. You have kids, work different hours, building a house...its not enough to keep a relationship on an even keel. Do you have nights out together when you are not working, do you spend any quality time together?. You both need to give each other time and attention, perhaps then you wouldn't feel so insecure. I think she was def texting you that time...probably her way of trying to make up with a joke and hoping you would come back to bed.

The advice on counselling is sound, you may need to tell each other things, you may be surprised that she is feeling a distance between the two of you that she finds upsetting.... Don't shy away from her or become reclusive, book time away from work and building and the kids and spend some quality time together, and plan for the future.... I'm sure the love is still there on both parts, I know its hard to forgive the cheating but a woman and man's head can be turned by someone just giving them attention, there may have been nothing more than an ego boost in it, hurtful to you I know but if you give the attention, your relationship will be the better for it..... Best of luck x

Elephant shoes

Thank you both for the advise. No we probably don't give enough time for each other, we really only see each other for about 3 hours a day and alone together for 1h. There is nothing we can do work wise at the minute , maybe when we settel in the new house. We had a chat last night and got some stuff off our chests. Hopefully we can work this out.
Thanks again

seenitall

Hi OP,

Just a quick warning to you that this particular reply will be coloured by my own, less than pleasant experience, so of course take it or leave it as you wish.

Your post struck such a chord with me, because I had the same thing happen to me once; I got a short message from a boyfriend once, which was couched in such terms that my gut immediately told me the message was not meant for me. It was something similar enough to the text you got.

There's nothing wrong with feeling sexy or sexting your partner, but when this is something that comes completely out of the blue, and is completely outside your usual spectrum of communication, something is up; and so it was. He denied it at first, swore the message was meant for me etc, etc, but I went with my gut and I didn't believe him in the slightest. I turned out to be right. He was sexting another girl.

You have a marriage and two kids, and that's a very valuable thing, so I am sure you will tread carefully. At the same time... don't be taken for a fool.

Best wishes.