Want to Move Out But Afraid Mam Will Be Hurt

LegacyUser

Hi,

I read this section often (I'm finding a thread which is basically the complete opposite of mine so interesting) and would love some advice.

I'm going on 20 and have been dying to move out since I was 17. I'm the only child of a single mother. I was in fifth year when I asked what would happen if I got into a great course in the UK. My Mam said we would both get loans to pay for it, and I could get a job. The next week I said that I wanted to move out after school (over to Scotland or Wales for college) and my Mam was so annoyed and upset. She said I couldn't leave her, because she'd be alone and it was almost too late for her to have another child. She hasn't dated in years. Her sisters have young kids so they don't get to pop down too often. She visits my grandparents every day and spends more time with them than me, to be honest.

I've been trying for a long time to get a job, and recently got one part-time which will pay €50 a week during the summer. I don't get a grant so I've been reluctantly accepting €100 from my Mam to cover bus fare (€80) and lunches each month. I just want some independence. Financially I've been dependent on her for the year, which I hate. When I try to be less dependent on her (do my own washing, making dinners), she doesn't like it. She tells me to go watch tv or do assignments/work (I'm looking to get into media, so I do a lot of writing online, unpaid radio/tv work for experience, etc). When I insist I do it, she tries to help me. When I tell her to sit down because I want to do it, she complains that there's no point because she can do it quicker/better and she has nothing else to do. She'll stay in the kitchen in her mood while I do whatever it is. If I let her help me, she complains that I'm in her way and gets me upset by giving out. The same thing happens if I try to help her with something. I cannot win.

I want to save up to do an internship abroad in the summer of 2015. This year I was in the final two for the one I want to do, but the program was cancelled and is being relaunched after this summer. They recommended I reapply for it when it is relaunched. When I said I wanted to do it this year by saving Christmas/birthday money and that it was a reason for why I really wanted a job, my Mam got angry and said she would stop giving me money so I couldn't go to college anymore. Now I'm afraid to bring it up again in case she just freaks at me.

I once overheard her mention to my aunt that I'm not ready to move out, as I'm too dependent on her. However, she never lets me not depend on her. She makes it impossible. She knows that I intend to move to LA/London when I'm finished college (I would have gone straight there and skipped college, but financially I couldn't so I may as well get a degree while job hunting). I hate staying here, knowing that I could be living independently somewhere else in a job I love. My Mam doesn't seem to get that and accept that I want to move out.


TL;DR
I want independence. My Mam babies me. I want to move abroad for a summer and my Mam got annoyed/upset the first two times I mentioned moving. I don't know how to bring it up again.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

the simple problem here is that your mother doesn't want you to leave her. For a long time now, you have been the only constant in her life, and despite the comments to your aunt, she is simply frightened of being alone and having to face the fact that she will need to fill her life with other things than simply taking care of you, even though she may not have had to "take care of you" for quite a few years now.

However, at risk of being blunt, it's something that your mother is going to have to learn to deal with. You are 20 years old now, and she needs to realise that one of her responsibilities as a parent is to prepare you for the outside world (which she has done admirably), and let go when the time is appropriate. Telling people that you aren't ready to leave her is her way of hiding that, and I can only imagine that the comment about not giving you money so you can't go to college is her lashing out in desperation.

Avoiding the conversation is only prolonging the inevitable - you need to talk to your mother, calmly but resolutely about your plans. Explain to her that this internship abroad is important to you and your future, and you intend to work towards that goal. Also let her know that this doesn't mean that you are turning your back on her. Reassure her that you will stay in touch regularly, that you will still need her emotional support, and that while you appreciate everything she's done for you, you want to be more independent. You might find that she'll still be upset while she comes to terms with this, but you need to live your life without being dictated to how to live it.

retro:electro

Your mother is basically manipulating every situation into suiting her in the hope that it will make you think you cant live without her. You're an adult now OP, if you wanted to leave in the morning there isn't a lot she can do about it. It sounds like she's the one who is dependant on you rather than the other way around; you sound more than capable of managing on your own.
Don't let her stop you from fulfilling your passions, she should be encouraging and supporting you but she's doing the opposite.
Have a chat with her and tell her how you feel, or maybe you could speak to your aunt and tell her what has been going on?

Boombastic

Surely your mother's aim was to raise to you be a strong, independent person, able to look after yourself and stand on your own two feet to make your way in life - maybe she just needs gentle reminding of this



I say gentle because as a previous poster has said, she is probably frightened of being alone after having you as a constant in her life. This is something you mother will have to (and will be able to) deal with. It will take a period of re-adjustment for both of you. it is not your responsibility that your mother will be lonely or too old to have another child and it is selfish of her to stop you progressing with your because she is finding it difficult to cope with change.


You are nearly 20, you don't need to ask your mother if you can do something, just sit her down and explain this is what you are doing. No permission needed.

kylith

Apply for your internship and keep looking for a job, then you can simply tell her 'I have gotten a job and will be moving out by such-and-such a date'. She is afraid of being left on her own as you move on with your life, but you simply cannot give up your life to keep her company. When you do move out make sure that you keep in contact with her.

Tramps Like Us

Go easy on her. You should have a chat with your grandparents about it.

Obliq

Yes, go easy, but I'd suggest gently sowing a few more seeds at home, as well as mentioning this to some of her supportive family members. I'd say let her do some bits of housework for you if she insists, but qualify it with "Ok mum, I'll let you do it - you need to get in practice for the 3 loads of washing I'll be bringing home every week" or something that equally indicates that she'll still have a role in your life when you leave, and yet warns her to prepare for it. When she cooks your favourite tea "You'll have to leave off cooking that till weekends when I'm back for it Mum", or something. "I'm going to have to find out how to cook like you"?? She will take all these hints, and may well go off to the kitchen with a mood on her, but she's a grown up woman and will have to handle it. Try not to take her moodiness about it on board, but don't be shunted into dropping the subject. Little comments about how you'll miss this place, so you'll have to be back to raid the cupboards every week.

Don't wear it out like, but dropping hints will let her know that the subject is not to be ignored, and if she wants to talk about it, there's little opportunities all the time.

ash23

Hi OP. By the way you said that your mother mentioned she was nearly getting too old to have another child, I'm assuming she was pretty young when she had you and is now late 30s, early 40s?

Which means she basically spent her whole adult life being a mother. Now she's facing into a place where she is no longer needed as a mother and probably just doesn't know what to do with herself which must be quite scary.

It's unfortunate that she centered her life around you but there is a lot of judgement out there about young single mothers and if she'd been off with her friends or dating, people would have looked down their nose at her. so she obviously threw herself into being a mother and that has now become her life.

Really, she needs to get more of a life for herself so she has something to fill her days and you leaving won't be nearly as scary. Does she work? If not, then you leaving will also result in her losing her income (I'm just speculating here) which might also be a concern to her. She may have to switch from a one parent family payment to jobseekers and if she hasn't been working, the prospect of trying to find a job might be daunting and scary for her also.

Obviously her happiness is not your responsibility. However, I do think if she had more of a life outside of you, it would be easier for her to let go. Maybe check out local classes with her or you could suggest that you both volunteer somewhere or that she join the local ladies club or some social club.

If she hasn't been working, help her look into computer courses or night classes.

again OP, I know this isn't really your responsibility but it just sounds like she has become entrenched in being a parent and needs someone to help her find her interests and hobbies again.


PS - I say this as a single parent who had a child at 20 and spent the first few years trying to "prove myself" as a parent and totally lost who I was in the process. Luckily it wasn't long before I got back to work and made friends etc and I have a lot of stuff outside of being a parent which I know will help me when my daughter eventually flies the nest.

Rubberchikken

could you have someone else explain the situation to her.
you want/need your independence and she knows that, but fear of losing you is driving her to behave like she is.

keep doing your study/work. once you're 18 you could legally leave, but imo i think it would be nicer/healthier all round to leave with your mom's blessing and encouragement.

i hope things work out.

Emme

OP, you need to get out. It would be better if you could do it with your Mum's blessing but even if you don't get that you need to strike out on your own.

Your mother says she doesn't want you to leave. You are 20. What age was she when she had you? What age are your grandparents? If they're fairly healthy now it's another reason for you to leave. If they get sick in the next few years your mother might rope you into caring for them. I've a feeling that's why she wants you to stay.

Your mother will always find excuses for you to stay. If you continue to listen to her you will wake up at 35 or 40 alone, with no qualifications, no life and living with her. By then you will be well and truly trapped because you could be caring for her. That's fine if it's by choice and you have qualifications. Not so if you don't have a choice and no qualifications.

I know you don't want to hurt your mother but she doesn't seem to care about hurting you by hanging onto you and crippling you in the bargain. You need to be selfish. It's easier to be selfish now than at 25 or 30.

Have you any uncles or aunts you could talk to?

Alf. A. Male

ijustwantindependence wrote: »

I want independence. My Mam babies me. I want to move abroad for a summer and my Mam got annoyed/upset the first two times I mentioned moving. I don't know how to bring it up again.

I would suggest bringing it up again when there is something to tell her. "I got that internship I mentioned" etc. You've already told her something will happen, so she's already getting used to the idea, even if she doesn't like it too much. At this stage, just telling her you're going someday probably just sounds to her like you don't want to be there and you'll go anywhere to get away, whereas telling her when it's looking like a proper plan sounds more like you're getting on with life and taking the right steps.
The evidence of this thread says you've a good head on your shoulders, you're considerate of her feelings and you're generally good to her. Keep remembering you got those qualities from her, so you're both equipped to manage this change and you'll be fine, even if there's a few tears to begin with.

ashes79

I am your mum! By that I mean that I am a single mother who has a son who will be leaving home and at that stage I will be alone. Thankfully for me that wont be happening for another 6 years but it will happen & I have to accept it.
While I agree you need to move out, you need to get a job first. You say you will be earning 50€ per week and want to save. How do you expect to do this with no income? You can't expect your mum to be happy with your plans to move out if she cant see how you can do it without her financial support. Yes you are 20 but you are not in a situation to move.
You could be putting an extra financial burden on her by moving now.

Get a job then move but explain to her in a way that she knows that you love her & are thankful for all her help but that you need to move to learn how to cope on your own.

aquascrotum

OP - my O/H is still dealing with the consequences now of letting the situation you're in now persist for another 10 odd years.

You're going to have to be strong and know that even if it hurts your mum (and hurt yourself knowing that your hurting your mum) it is the right thing to do in the long run. A dependency is not a healthy parent-offspring relationship - it is toxic and if you don't nip it in the bud early it will inevitably lead to greater guilt and hurt down the line. Do it now while your mum is still young enough to reestablish a social life.

Big Bag of Chips

Your mam will be upset when you move out. But she would also be upset if you were one of 3 kids and taking your first steps into adulthood. It's an emotional time for parents. Your kids are becoming adults, but they are still your kids. So she will worry about you. She will miss you. She will probably cry a bit when no one is around to see....

But she WILL get over it. She will get used to it. And when you start doing well for yourself and forging your own life, she will still miss you, but she'll then bore everyone to tears with talk of you and how well you're doing in London/LA/Longford.. wherever you end up!!

It's not easy, and she is making it more difficult for you by loading on the guilt. It's not your job to entertain your mam for the next 40 years. You need to have your life, and she needs to find something to do with hers.

It's difficult. It'll be emotional for both of you. But by trying to keep you at home she is being terribly unfair on you. And I'd say she does know that. So talk to her to get her used to the idea. Because she knows it's coming. She just wants you to put it off - for as long as possible.

Idle Passerby

What she's doing is emotional manipulation. She sounds like she might be quite a lonely woman and is probably afraid to be on her own but you have your own life to live and cant stay at home for your mum's sake.

You mention she's 'almost too old to have another child' so I'm guessing she cant be much older than her mid 40's, its not like she's helpless, fragile old woman, she is I assume perfectly capable of looking after herself. It's frankly selfish and unfair of her to curtail your life at this age just because she feels lonely. It might actually spur her into becoming more independent when her idea that you are dependant on her is debunked.

LegacyUser

At this stage your mother needs to know that you are growing up and that you will be leaving home within x period of time.
Are you close to any of your aunts or your mothers friends who you could chat about what your mother is doing/saying when you tell her that you are planning to leave home if you get the internship or when you finish college?

It could help you if one of your aunts or your mothers friends was on your side re the internship and with the fact that you want to leave home once you finish in college. I would have them with you when you tell your mother that you are applying for the internship and that once you finish college that you will have to leave home in order to get work. At this stage she need another adult to tell her that you are doing the right thing applying for the internship and making plans in regards to your career.

A good number of years ago I was doing contract work near to where I lived. When my contact was coming to an end I decided to move away. My mother had some concerns at the time but she knew I was serious about this. Long term this move helped me grow up, mature as a person and gave me good work experience.

I have a friend who was in a similar position to you. She decided to stay at home after getting a job locally for a few years to save some money. Next thing they were some family issues. After this my friend should have made plans and stood up to her mother about leaving home but never did this. She watched all her friends leave home, travel, buy houses, get married ect. She is still living at home and listing to her mother complain about the hours she works ect.

You need to remember as an adult you can't stay at home for the rest of your life to please your mother. You can't put your life on hold to keep her happy because long term it won't be the right thing for either of you. At this stage I would be willing to stand up to her and make plans to move on with your own life.
The internship you told us about could give you great experience which long term would be of benefit to you.

mrsbyrne

My brother was born when my mother was 41 10 years after her next youngest child. My father died suddenly 5 years later.
From then on it was just he and she as we the elder ones had flown or were about to fly the coop.
She absolutely devoted herself to him. He did his Leaving in the June and headed to UCD in October. He came home for a few weekends but then only sporadically after that until he left for the continent 4 years later. Her heart was breaking. You could actually see it breaking. He's been home tops 12 times in the last 18 years and only twice at Christmas.
But she had to let him go. We don't "own" kids . We guide and mind them till they can mind themselves. Our kids are not there to fill a hole in our lives. Our kids are not our friends. Our kids don't owe us anything. Your mam will survive you leaving. Go and live your life. Don't feel guilty. Its easier to keep in touch now then it was when my brother left. Tell her you love her. I wish you the best.

ivytwine

Hey OP, I too am an only child and as my parents separated I grew up with my Mam mostly, although my dad was always in my life, it was her that I lived with.

The bond between parent and child in this situation in very, very tight, it's hard to describe to people with more traditional family set ups.

I love my Mam to bits and in fairness I know it broke her heart in someways when I left home, I went to college nearby and was home lots. It upset me too at times. I've never told anyone this but when I waved bye to head off on my study abroad I got through security at the airport and I BAWLED.

It's a tough situation because it hurts both of you, but it's like ripping off a plaster. You need to do this for you. Your relationship with your Mam will be so much better for it.

There were clashes I remember in my last year in college with my mother and I because I felt she treated me like a kid, but once I moved out properly and came up here for work things have been much better. I lived at home for a year after my masters, like all millennials, I couldn't get a job. It worked ok because our relationship had changed and we were adults.

After I moved out around 6 months ago for work and it became clear that I wouldn't be able to afford to come home that often, it seemed to really galvanise her. She's off meeting friends for coffee; off to the local theatre; she's writing again; she's no longer beating herself up for buying a handbag! None of which seem major but a couple of years ago her life was probably too centred on me.

My mother's a lot older than yours and there's no way she'll be having another kid unless one gets left on her doorstep! Her life is no way over, and your mother's isn't either. But she won't see that until the plaster gets ripped off and she sees she can survive.

Mam came up to Dublin today and we had a lovely day around the shops. Yourself and your mother will be able to meet as friends too but the distance needs to put before this can happen.

diveout

ijustwantindependence wrote: »

Hi,

I read this section often (I'm finding a thread which is basically the complete opposite of mine so interesting) and would love some advice.

She said I couldn't leave her, because she'd be alone and it was almost too late for her to have another child.

Look, I totally understand the intensive bond that exists in single parent households with only children, but seriously this is emotional incest. That may sound like alarmist language, but I would seriously call her out on her ****. Eventually its too late for all of us to have kids, but that does not mean you can keep your grown up ones on your tit forever.

ijustwantindependence wrote: »

I've been trying for a long time to get a job, and recently got one part-time which will pay €50 a week during the summer. I don't get a grant so I've been reluctantly accepting €100 from my Mam to cover bus fare (€80) and lunches each month. I just want some independence. Financially I've been dependent on her for the year, which I hate. When I try to be less dependent on her (do my own washing, making dinners), she doesn't like it. She tells me to go watch tv or do assignments/work (I'm looking to get into media, so I do a lot of writing online, unpaid radio/tv work for experience, etc). When I insist I do it, she tries to help me. When I tell her to sit down because I want to do it, she complains that there's no point because she can do it quicker/better and she has nothing else to do. She'll stay in the kitchen in her mood while I do whatever it is. If I let her help me, she complains that I'm in her way and gets me upset by giving out. The same thing happens if I try to help her with something. I cannot win.

I want to save up to do an internship abroad in the summer of 2015. This year I was in the final two for the one I want to do, but the program was cancelled and is being relaunched after this summer. They recommended I reapply for it when it is relaunched. When I said I wanted to do it this year by saving Christmas/birthday money and that it was a reason for why I really wanted a job, my Mam got angry and said she would stop giving me money so I couldn't go to college anymore. Now I'm afraid to bring it up again in case she just freaks at me.

She doesn't want you to go to college? Well, many would say this is bad advice, but if I were in your shoes I would just carry on, say nothing and plot my way out of there. Seriously, who doesn't want their kids to go to college?

You are not financially in a position to move out so why even broach it? Save up, get a job and when you can move, then just move out. Don't even discuss it.

Skidfingers

I agree with the poster who said to talk to the grandparents. You could also talk to her sisters. As they seem to be the people who know her best. But you should be fairly confident they won't go back and tell her what you were talking to them about.